Married people: do you feel like you are faking it?

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I am married and I mask heavily. Most days I am good at it, but maybe once a year it becomes too much for me. I let my real feelings come out. Result: deep depression on both sides. After a few days I get past it. I manage to mask again. Then we are fine for the nexy year or so. I think our marriage is better than most. But it's hard. And I wish I could be a better husband. But I can't mask 24/7, 365 days a year. Can anybody relate?

What are you faking?
Is it your commitment to the person, or your functioning abilities as an adult?

Maybe all of the above?

Being sociable.

I spent my life finding solutions to the world's problems. I began by digging deep into economics. That led to studying the nature of existence. I enjoy exploring ideas. But not in real time. A single idea might take a month or a year to mull over. I come to conclusions that are opposite to what most people think on most topics. So any kind of interaction is a struggle: I pull in opposite direction to other people. But I still need to eat, and I have family commitments. So I cannot simply walk away and live alone as I would like. I need to be friendly. I need to fit in with the people around me. I need to make my wife happy. Most of the time I manage it, but it is very hard.

Hi trappedinhell,

How long have you been married? I am the same age and have been married 32 years. Only recently have I stopped trying to be “normal” when it is just me and my Dh. He sometimes wishes I would try harder. I spend a lot of time explaining myself. We have three adult kids who don’t think I’ve changed that much, so I guess I was always mostly myself raising them.

We visited my in-laws this weekend. I took a three hour nap.

I asked my dad this as he's been married to my mum for 44 years. They were dating since they were 13, bare in mind.

He said no. Although my parents have been together since secondary school, my mum is a very patient and understanding person. My dad has plenty of alone time though. This will be when he's doing DIY or gaming or getting hardware supplies or food shopping etc. My mum gets hers knitting, watching tv, ironing or generally cleaning. They run a B&B and its pretty busy from March onwards until end of October. So although they spend all day together they also don't and just works for them. But again they've had almost 50 years of getting to know each other by now so it might just be habit.

I have a hard time being "sociable" whenever in-laws come to visit.

i'd rather just hang out with my tablet.

You sound like my kind of person. I'm much the same way with exploring ideas and living in my head.

Yes, all interactions are a struggle -- to the point I often feel like I'm not truly there. It's not really dissociation, but I'm so far in my head it's hard to connect to the physical world around me even when I'm alone.

I'm not married but that's why. I wouldn't be able to live with someone 24/7. I've tried it and it nearly killed me. I have a hard enough time sharing the house with my adult children, or visiting my mum. Those interactions are extremely draining even though I don't really "fake it". I think people can tell I'm drained because I barely speak or make facial expressions when I'm with them. My energy output is at a very bare minimum.



Do you think she spends time thinking "I need to make my husband happy", or asking people online how to make you more happy?

I notice a lot of interabled marriages consist of the ND person ruminating over how to be a better partner or how to make their partner "happy", whereas the NT partner expresses displeasure but doesn't put much effort into accommodating autism or making their ND partner "happy" in return.

The emphasis is usually on the ND making changes but not the NT. I think this is considered acceptable because everyone assumes the autistic person will lead a happier life if they change and act like mainstream society.

I'm not saying this is true of your wife. She may be a lovely and accepting person. I'm just curious whether you've noticed this or not.

Thanks for the reply. Ten years. Mostly it's been great. But lately, for age related reasons, the ratio of faking versus relaxing has gone up.

Thanks for the reply. I don't want to share too much as that would be inappropriate. But a big part of the problem is that my wife grew up in a family where criticism and the silent treatment were normal. So the slightest disagreement, or worse, the wrong tone of voice, becomes a crisis. Add my autistic struggle with finding the right way to express things, and you can guess the rest.

I want to emphasize that she is kind and loving and does everything she can for me. She is wonderful in every way. But communication is our weakest area. Marriage is a beautiful idyllic minefield.

Sounds like the two of you might benefit from couples counseling, to learn how to communicate with each other in more productive ways. Perhaps both of you could also benefit by studying some tutorials on assertiveness (without being aggressive) and/or active listening.

Hi. I'm new here.

Sorry to post so long after but I am a 27 year old man who just got married a few months ago. I've felt the mental strain throughout my relationship due to masking and I am finding it increasingly difficult now we are married. My wife is amazing, she loves me and I know I love her but I am just constantly mentally exhausted. Her family are very close and we are always being invited to events which I find so difficult. I start to hate myself and want my brain to be removed. I was diagnosed with 'ASD' when I was 4 and then this was changed to 'Aspergers' when I was 17. I don't feel like I've had any help for it at all. I feel pressure to have a job and pay my way and her family is alot of that pressure but I never seem to fit in anywhere and I always feel on the precipice of something drastic. I have spoken to my doctor but its just meds meds and more meds. Which then kills my sex drive and general motivation for life. I feel pinned. I know I love my wife but I find everything so hard and my wife suffers with severe anxiety so approaching her to talk about my true feelings feel impossible. I don't know what to do. I wish I was born like my brother.

No way. Being myself around my boyfriend is just as natural as being myself around my family or even on my own.

I would be faking it if I were married to a guy I didn't feel romantically attracted to, which is why I wouldn't string any man along.

Yea that's fair enough. I am romantically attracted to my wife. It's more my masking and trying to be more 'normal' which is causing me an issue I guess. What is normal anyway i suppose!

Sounds like you need to draw some boundaries. I would suggest that you tell your wife you need to set a limit on the number of family gatherings and other social events you go to each year. You can agree to go to a relatively few really important family gatherings, like maybe Thanksgiving, Christmas, and her parents' birthdays, but set a maximum number per year.


Your wife has doubtless already noticed your lack of sex drive. Perhaps you could give her a choice: Either you can become better in bed again (by cutting down on the pills) OR you can continue going to all the social events she wants you to go to, but she needs to recognize and accept that you aren't capable of both.


Sounds like your wife needs a lot of reassurance. In my previous post in this thread, I included links to pages listing tutorials on assertiveness (without being aggressive) and active listening. Perhaps you might find these helpful too.

I used to feel like that when I got married. It took me about 4 years before I felt some kind of confidence and sense of control of the situation -- and then we threw a newborn daughter into the mix in the midst of the pandemic, and everything is total mayhem again.

Good luck.

Try being married with two children. The 11 month old is with mommy. The three year old spends every night trying to not sleep it seems. Nvm I have work at 8 am and he won't doze off most nights until after 10 pm. Not enough alone time in the world for me to feel like I am refreshed and energized. And I get to do this again tomorrow too. And the next... and the next.