Do Aspies miss their partners?

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Rexi
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07 Jan 2023, 12:57 am

In response to the title-question: yes, eventually. But the more important thing makes this fact pretty insignificant, unfortunately.

The truth of the matter cannot be ran forever from.

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Mona Pereth
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07 Jan 2023, 3:41 am

Europegirl wrote:

Yet sometimes something small (like not wanting to see me) tips me over and I feel this is just a friendship for him and I should quit my wishful thinking and end it.

What, exactly, is your personal definition of "just a friendship" vs. a romantic relationship?

Personally, I think the most important question to consider is what he would do for you in a serious crisis. For example, if you were suddenly to become seriously ill or injured, would he visit you in the hospital, contact your family, and do what he could to help you keep things under control on the home front?

Have the two of you ever been through any kind of serious crisis together, so far?

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Europegirl
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07 Jan 2023, 5:07 am

What, exactly, is your personal definition of "just a friendship" vs. a romantic relationship?[/quote]

Mainly the feeling of being "in love" (romantic) versus liking/loving someone. Butterflies, attraction, finding someone cute, being extremely interested in their world, being slightly obsessed at times…

Mona Pereth wrote:

Personally, I think the most important question to consider is what he would do for you in a serious crisis. For example, if you were suddenly to become seriously ill or injured, would he visit you in the hospital, contact your family, and do what he could to help you keep things under control on the home front?

Have the two of you ever been through any kind of serious crisis together, so far?

Not as serious but when I was ill for quite awhile, he was helpful about my illness which took a long time to diagnose, and he called, not daily, but more often. He was interested in how I am. He would visit me in a hospital, albeit probably not daily. He has a demanding job, a dog and two kids from a previous relationship. I'd have to tell him what I expected and he'd try to do it best as he could. So yes, he's reliable, he's interested but he has his own things to tend to.

Last edited by Europegirl on 07 Jan 2023, 5:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

Europegirl
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07 Jan 2023, 5:09 am

Rexi wrote:

In response to the title-question: yes, eventually. But the more important thing makes this fact pretty insignificant, unfortunately.

The truth of the matter cannot be ran forever from.

Thank you! Could you explain this a bit, please?

Europegirl
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07 Jan 2023, 5:12 am

Last edited by Europegirl on 07 Jan 2023, 5:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

Europegirl
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07 Jan 2023, 5:13 am

Nyx001 wrote:

Hi, I am a woman with ASD (Aspergers) and I don't know your boyfriend, or how his autism affects him, but I think the problem is you are putting your evaluation of his actions based upon what your own intentions would be. As in, if you forgot someone's birthday, especially someone you're dating, that would mean you don't care that much?

[/quote][/quote]

Hello Nyx001, thank you very much for your insightful words. I think this is exactly the problem in a ASD-NT relationship. I have no theory of mind for him. I have mostly learned not to read my own intentions into his actions and this works often. But there are these times, when things built up and it gets to much and I'm thinking that this has nothing to do with ASD and he just does not care and I'm not willing to see it.[/quote]

Europegirl
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07 Jan 2023, 5:21 am

Rexi wrote:

For example I have a dysfunction to connecting with my partner and I have to work hard to achieve it. It's frustrating but it pushes me to need more time with my s\o before the intimacy is achieved. I'm also not interested in sex as much as emotional stuff, a mix of things including significant trauma in my childhood and later in many relationships. Took me a long time to realize it.

When we're talking about someone expressing to someone else they're 'clingy' we're talking about a position of superiority. There are varying degrees of needs. Commonly people fall in love and get intense. Narcs, antisocials etc. won't understand this fact when explained, for example. You would not be having your own needs or personality in their view, and they could not accept they're flawed because it would severely complicate their view of themselves due to deep insecurities, so you must be the wrong one (for them). Self preservation, mechanism of reaction\adaptation.

Hello Rexi, thank you for your answer. Could you please explain a bit how this disfuntion to connect feels like from your perspective? He seems like this, too, and it is so hurtful.
Luckily he never calls me clingy. He would not devalue a need of someone but rather try to find common ground, which is one of the things that has been healing for me in this relationship.

Europegirl
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07 Jan 2023, 5:27 am

Nyx001 wrote:

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about your feelings?

Yes, he know certain things make me doubt his feelings. He says what I think is not true and tries to work on things to make things better, which I appreciate. Like answer to texts I send him, which has has not done in the past. But at the same time, he knows I've been feeling very insecure since about August and he'd never come up with anything on his own to make me feel better. Like bring a present. Or send an extra-nice text. Or make plans for my birthday for an outing. Things I would do if I wanted to reassure someone. But of course these things come natural to me.

amykitten
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07 Jan 2023, 5:28 am

Europegirl wrote:

Nyx001 wrote:

[/quote]

Hello Nyx001, thank you very much for your insightful words. I think this is exactly the problem in a ASD-NT relationship. I have no theory of mind for him. I have mostly learned not to read my own intentions into his actions and this works often. But there are these times, when things built up and it gets to much and I'm thinking that this has nothing to do with ASD and he just does not care and I'm not willing to see it.[/quote][/quote]

I've also found some NT guys not to care either. Or at least not as excited as I am to see them. So I think its down to the person as a whole.

Europegirl
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07 Jan 2023, 5:39 am

FleaOfTheChill wrote:

Unless I'm told what they expect, things like that don't occur to me. Yes, I am that stupid in relationships. I am that person who thinks, "I'm fine" really means I'm fine when everyone else in the room knows it means the opposite. It sucks. I hate it that I've accidentally hurt people who have meant the world to me.

So, I have to ask... does he know that this is a problem for you? Does he know he is making you feel like you don't matter to him? I have to gently remind here that he is not a mind reader. If you've had this conversation a million times before and he keeps ignoring you, run. .

Hello Flea, thank you for sharing your world, not rambling at all

.
Yes, he knows about my feelings. And we have this conversation every six months or so. We then find a work-around, like him sending images, when texting back is too cumbersome. So we both try and it is often successful. But he also knows that in the last 5 months, I've doubted his feelings a lot. We both chose no to talk about it as we had a project and needed to use the little time we had to get it done. Also, sometimes things get better on their own. But during all of this time, even though he knows, how insecure I feel right now, there was no extra little effort, no present, no extra "good night text", no plan for like my birthday, no dinner-invitiation. Just him being his friendly, dependable self, but nothing extra. And it is so hard to just chalk that up to his autism. Often I think: Maybe I am simply not someone for him who is special enough for him to make this effort. Maybe he want me to leave but is afraid of telling me.
(By the way, I'm not just expecting things, I initiate a lot of loving contact, like I'll massage him, help him with work stuff, get him things he needs without him asking me. I adjust to his ways. And tell him how amazing and special I find him, whenever it occurs to me. I've stopped writing love letters as he does not answer them 90 % of the time.)

Last edited by Europegirl on 07 Jan 2023, 5:49 am, edited 3 times in total.

Pepe
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07 Jan 2023, 5:40 am

kitesandtrainsandcats wrote:

A general trend is that we don't hint, we don't speak between the lines, we don't read between the lines, and that what we say is what we mean, it is not less than we mean, and it is not more than we mean.
It IS what we mean.
Plain language.
Face value.

Well, I CAN read between the lines and I am very good at times, but usually only after the event.
I am hopeless at predicting how someone responds, however.

What I will say is that most autistics heavily lean towards being straightforward and honest.
Most of us prefer not to lie.
I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

Pepe
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07 Jan 2023, 5:45 am

kitesandtrainsandcats wrote:

Now, another factor could be that thing about transitions and changes.
We aspies, autistics, frequently need time to process and digest changes and transitions; a different and often greater amount of time from the typical neurotypical person.
Sort of "My ways of doing life were disrupted while I was on the trip, let me get them reestablished and then I will have a reestablished foundation from which I can do other things."

Never a truer word has been said.
I often need "space" to sort out my emotions and changes to an environment.
I am a very slow thinker.
I have no problems with this, btw.

Europegirl
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07 Jan 2023, 5:50 am

Europegirl wrote:

FleaOfTheChill wrote:

Hello Flea, thank you for sharing your world, not rambling at all

.
Yes, he knows about my feelings. And we have this conversation every six months or so. We then find a work-around, like him sending images, when texting back is too cumbersome. So we both try and it is often successful. But he also knows that in the last 5 months, I've doubted his feelings a lot. We both chose no to talk about it as we had a project and needed to use the little time we had to get it done. Also, sometimes things get better on their own. But during all of this time, even though he knows, how insecure I feel right now, there was no extra little effort, no present, no extra "good night text", no plan for like my birthday, no dinner-invitiation. Just him being his friendly, dependable self, but nothing extra. And it is so hard to just chalk that up to his autism. Often I think: Maybe I am simply not someone for him who is special enough for him to make this effort. Maybe he want me to leave but is afraid of telling me.
(By the way, I'm not just expecting things, I initiate a lot of loving contact, like I'll massage him, help him with work stuff, get him things he needs without him asking me. I adjust to his ways. And tell him how amazing and special I find him, whenever it occurs to me. I often wrote love letters (but stopped, as he does not answer them 90 % of the time.)

Pepe
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07 Jan 2023, 5:51 am

kraftiekortie wrote:

I’m not an Aspie.

Sometimes, I “miss” people. But a yearning for companionship is rare, though I feel delighted when I hang out with friends without argument.

If I feel secure in my loving relationship, I don’t “miss” her when she’s gone. Although if we break up, I mourn the breakup.

You are autistic but not an aspie?
This may confuse newcomers.
Perhaps you would like to explain this differentiation.

Joe90
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07 Jan 2023, 6:10 am

I usually refer all people on the spectrum as Aspies.

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Pepe
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07 Jan 2023, 6:23 am

Joe90 wrote:

I usually refer all people on the spectrum as Aspies.

I do the same.

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