Do Aspies miss their partners?

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Oh I have missed my fiancé when he goes out and we aren’t together and he misses me when we aren’t together. We both have Aspergers and we are very loving people towards each other and live together and I could not imagine not living with him. I am thankful we live together so we don’t have to miss each other. The longest we were apart was for more than two weeks and I definitely missed him so much during that time. Also with him gone I don’t get any sex so the thought of no dick for a period of time would definitely make me miss him. Thankfully I get to live and share a bed with him which is awesome.

Do Aspies miss their partners?

I don't miss my partner, family or friends, out of sight out of mind.

That’s what I was trying to say but I thought he might read it.

Whoops.

My partner was a little upset at first when she found out, but now she knows this is just how my mind operates and doesn't take it personally any more.

He knows it too, but I’m not sure he’d appreciate me advertising the fact online.

I think the difference is that autistic / ADHD brains are too busy microanalysing specks of dust and other irrelevant mitochondria to notice or achieve any semblance of lull.

I overshare, what can I say

When my partner is away, I go through analysis paralysis on all the things I could do while she is away and end up doing nothing.

Agreed. You say this much better than I did. My speak of getting that sorted out involved that. In my mind anyway.

We all have to know for ourselves what we can and cannot handle in relationships and then express it. No one should have to be miserable in a relationship where their needs aren't being met and suffering as a result. And yeah, we can all try until we're blue in the faces but at some point reality has to kick in and we must accept that part of loving someone is walking away from them.

Me? I'm hard-headed and need to try with all I have in me. In my last relationship (married over 15 years) the ex and I were separated (living apart) and going to therapy for almost 2 yrs trying to find a way to make it work. We lived together for less than a year before I said it was done. We tried and I would have regretted not trying with all I had in me. I would have been weighed down with what ifs. Now, I walked away without regrets. It was brutal ending that relationship, but I know we both gave all we could and there's a certain peace that comes with knowing that.

You know what's messed up though? It wasn't me and my jerky tendencies that did the relationship in. It was my ex disregarding my boundaries and what I need to feel okay in a relationship. I know what I can and cannot handle in a relationship and I could not handle with they were doing so I said go. My mental health wins every time. I have to wake every day in my body and skin, not theirs. I encourage others to do the same in those cases. Life isn't worth living when you are miserable and being treated poorly. I will never do that again and I hope no one else will either.

To the OP:
"YMMV", it seems.

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Hello Nyx001, thank you very much for your insightful words. I think this is exactly the problem in a ASD-NT relationship. I have no theory of mind for him. I have mostly learned not to read my own intentions into his actions and this works often. But there are these times, when things built up and it gets to much and I'm thinking that this has nothing to do with ASD and he just does not care and I'm not willing to see it.[/quote][/quote]

For your sake, I hope your worries aren't true. It can be difficult for anyone to express their feelings, especially negative ones. Though whether he actually doesn't care or is just unaware of how he is coming across to you, that is something you'll never be able to figure out without an active and open discussion. If he says he cares about you, and your relationship is generally good, then I would trust that he does. I can only speak for myself but it doesn't seem to me like being with someone we don't care about is something many people on the spectrum would do. I have never been able to stay in a relationship with someone that I wasn't feeling it with, and I never let it drag on. Social interactions take enough work as it is, never mind maintaining a romantic relationship without someone you don't have genuine feelings for.

Last edited by Nyx001 on 08 Jan 2023, 1:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

I’m not an Aspie because I had delayed speech.

Most autistic people are not Aspies.

Thanks for your encouragement, Nyx001. I am sure he likes me very much but romantic … not sure.

Thank you for your insight...

Thank you! So I understand that Aspies are very different in this regard and him not missing me might or might not be an Aspie- thing.

IMO it is simply not reasonable to expect "butterflies" or romantic "obsession" in any relationship, at least in the long run. Many people do experience these things during a brief "honeymoon" phase at the beginning, but then evolve into a more relaxed kind of intimacy longterm. Other people never go through a full-blown "honeymoon" phase but end up with a worthwhile longterm relationship nonetheless. IMO what really matters is what you have in the longterm, which CANNOT reasonably be expected to be an extended "honeymoon," with anyone.

Being "in love with love," i.e. being in love with highly emotional feelings of being "in love," is a recipe for disaster IMO.

What IS reasonable to expect, in a romantic relationship, is a combination of (1) close and deep friendship, (2) mutual erotic attraction, and (3) longterm loyalty and commitment. Does your partner show evidence of these things, at least?


Sounds to me like he indeed cares deeply about you and has put significant effort into caring for you. And that is what matters most, in my opinion.

Of course his kids and his job are important to him too. You certainly shouldn't expect him to sacrifice them.

Hello Mona, yes, I'll have a think about wether I'm expecting too much romance after two years.
And no, I don't expect him to sacrifice kids or job, that's not why I mentioned them.

I had speech delays and got diagnosed with Aspergers. Since its all levels now you can move through them at any stage of your life