Is this possible?

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I'm NT guy and my girlfriend of 3 years is clearly on spectrum. Long story but there are so many indicators. We have a great relationship but she does super weird things from time to time that make me wonder. Here is the latest. Is her explanation possible ? A little background....So she is home all day and I'm working from home. Months ago a really good girlfriend of hers asked her to go to her daughters high school picture photo shoot tonight at 6pm. And they might get some pics of all three of them. I also had a contractor scheduled at 3pm to come out and look at a few things on our deck that need repair (I told her about the appt a couple days ago). Whenever these contractor guys come over she wants to come out and talk to them with me (I still don't understand why. most women are happy to let the guy take care of it). So I come downstairs from my work office at 2:55pm to go out and meet this new contractor. Never met him before. she found his contact online somewhere and sent it to me to set up an appt. So I walk downstairs at 2:55 and I smell major essential oils (like perfume). I knew exactly what that was. She puts it on herself. It's wafting through the house she put so much on. So then she comes out from the kitchen and she is fully dressed up. Make up. Lipstick. Her nice necklace that she only wears on occasion. Nice blouse that she only wears on occasions. Nice skirt etc. I'm like blown away thinking why in the heck would she get all dressed up for this contractor that is coming out? Clearly she could have at least waited to put the makeup, lipstick and necklace on at 5:30 before she leaves. He shows up and I say "oh He's here I'm going to talk to him". And of course she says "I'm coming right out!". So he looks at our deck she is fully involved in talking to him, asking questions etc.

I ask her after why she got all dressed up for this guy? Of course, she tells my I'm crazy. She says she just got ready for the 6pm thing and wanted to be all ready. blah blah blah. HOW could you think it was for any other intention? I try to explain that logically it makes no sense. Why would you be in full makeup and skirt and blouse and all this for this 3pm appt with the contractor? Again she treats me like I'm insane and cannot even begin to understand how I would think that. She can't believe I'd think there is some other intention. It has nothing to do with him it was just a coincidence because she is going to the photo shoot later etc etc. She doesn't have a bone in her body that could do anything deceptive to me etc etc. She is super convincing but my logic tells me it could have other flirting intentions.

I always give her the benefit of the doubt because of ASD but I just can't believe she is that clueless. That that might arouse suspicion in me. For the life of me, I don't know what she is doing or what her intention is but it's odd to me. Most women would just stay away from that and certainly wouldn't plan their day around being ready in full make up, and clothes when this contractor comes over. Could she be telling the truth about her intentions? Could this odd behavior just be part of the ASD?

Honestly. I don't follow your logic.

You never know how long it will take with a contractor. She wanted to be ready and not rushed so she got ready in advance. She was out there with you so I am not sure why you seem jealous.

Also I find your point about most women leaving it to the man to be vaguely sexist ( I don't mean you are just saying it came across that way). She seems to have an interest in what is going on so she can understand it and be involved, that seems like a good thing.

All phone communication was between you and him and she acted consistent with her previous behaviors as you explained them. So yes I think she was acting perfectly logically.

Now to the real question how to resolve this tension in your partnership.

I think you need to have a direct conversation with her. Tell her that what she did made you jealous, confused etc and why. Let her say what she was doing and then agree to something to happen in the future. I.e. if she is dolled up you would prefer that she not go talk to the contractors, or that you would prefer to for her to wait. Explain why it is important to you. As the ND partner I. My relationship it helps to know why something is important to my partner. Chances are it is not a big deal to her and you can avoid future problems by communicating directly that it is a problem for you.

On a side note you may want to spend some time thinking about why it does bother you. Do you not trust her? Do you not trust contractors? Are you jealous? Have you had past trama that favors in?

This could be an experience that makes you closer and better able to communicate it out may drive you apart depending on how you handle it.

Seems logical to me.
She got ready early and who knows how long the tradesman could have been there for?
So that makes sense.
I don't think its weird that she takes an interest in what's going on.
Why shouldn't she?

I think your mistake is in expecting her to be like 'other women'.

How come women on the spectrum would rather date NT guys?

I’m on the spectrum and wouldn’t rather date NT guys. I’ve not come in contact with as many with ASD, so it makes dating them less likely. I dated one.

My ex and my first boyfriend had ADHD, so they weren’t NT, either. I don’t think I ever dated someone who was fully NT. That wasn’t intentional. It’s just how it worked out.

I doubt that women on the spectrum in general would rather date men who are NT. That’s never been proven. They are probably more likely to date NTs because there are more NTs. It’s unlikely they are intentionally excluding people who are on the spectrum.

(Let’s not derail this discussion further.)

To the OP,

I'd be very careful repeating that type of behaviour with your partner. You became upset with her, accused her of duplicity, inserted your personal, nefarious narrative onto her actions, shamed her for looking pretty, and invalidated her interest in helping you with home repair decisions, all because it caused you to feel a bit insecure, and all before she needed to go have her picture taken for someone else's lifelong high school photo memories?

Also, how does any of this prove she is "clearly on the spectrum", in your opinion? Is that just another judgment you've made about her? imo she doesn't sound like she's ND at all, based on what you've described, especially considering she doused herself in fragrance. Many autistic people can't stand chemical fragrance and they'd likely be sick for days if someone sprayed a strong scent in their home. Frankly I'm even surprised you could handle it. Perfume isn't allowed in my house because we are all so sensory-sensitive.

I hope you've apologised to your girlfriend for this outrageous overreaction.

I wouldn’t do this. It could make the OP seem possessive and controlling if he doesn’t already. He needs to work on his insecurities.

His GF should be free to talk to whoever she wants to whether she is dressed up or not.

In principal I agree with you. It seems like the current situation is toxic. My recommendation was for if they want to stay together they need better communication and both sides will need to make some accommodations for the other. That is how long term relationships work. She should be free to talk to whomever she wishes, but she should also be free to choose to limit herself slightly to make her partner happier. Ultimately both sides are free to do whatever they want, but unless they both want to communicate and work together to where both are happy then it won't work well long term.

This may be a deal breaker for her, but it also may not be a big deal and something she is willing to do. Only she can decide that.

I will completely agree that they ruined of the conversation needs to be watched carefully. The op does come across as controlling. Jellous etc .. that's why I recommended that he think carefully about why he is bothered.

Also I to was curious about the ASD thing. I've read a couple of the OPs post after this over and it usually boils down to I don't like what my girlfriend is doing and she is obviously autistic... But he never says why.

Honestly OP you should both go and get assessed, she may benefit from an assessment and I highly suspect you have some anxiety thing going on after reading a buck of your posts. We all need a little help anyways so it can't hurt.

I'm curious, genuine question, what would you recommend as a path forward to help improve the relationship for both? I've read enough to know your experiences are very different from mine and that means you probably have insights im blind to.

People do make compromises and try to accommodate their partners in relationships, but I don’t think that should involve limiting who they do or don’t talk to because of their partners’ insecurities. Having been in a longterm abusive situation, that’s a huge red flag. If my partner exhibited controlling, possessive behavior over something like this, the relationship would be over because such things often escalate.

It’s best for him to work on his insecurities now because it’s not her responsibility to modify her behavior so he doesn’t get jealous and such problems can worsen. She should be able to talk to other men and even have guy friends without being scrutinized by her partner for it.

I don’t know the OP well enough to have a firm idea of what he should do. Maybe he could work on his issues with a therapist. A psychological evaluation might be a good idea. Couples therapy could be beneficial as well.

^^yeah I agree with your completely.

I specially enjoyed my wife to finish her degree so she wouldn't feel trapped. I've always felt that if you have the option to leave it is easier to be happy if you choose to stay. Feeling trapped just makes things worse.

This is real role reversal. The sort of suspicions the OP expresses seem to me more typical of things of which women might suspect their male partners. Plus his GF is "clearly on the spectrum" (which to me seems to have a negative connotation when stated that way) like WTF anyway?

^ Such stereotypes are often inaccurate.

I experienced similar behavior from my abusive ex. I don’t think suspicion and jealousy are more common to one gender.

I think that, traditionally, men are more often accused of being out to "get something on the side", whereas women need to be driven to cheat, and if they do, they're probably done with the guy they aim to cheat on anyway. Of course this is "by tradition" so if your experience is different that doesn't really mean anything for a real-life situation.

Such an accusation from a male partner could well be intentional gaslighting which is a different scenario. The OP seems sincere though, just clueless.

As far as the role reversal, my brother-in-law's wife, one time when my family and theirs were driving together to a lake in NJ, suddenly went into a rant when she started accusing my BIL of having sex with some woman she know he'd be seeing on a business trip (in front of their young children). BTW they are still together 10 years after that, but I think this scenario is more typically "woman accuses man".

The worst part though is that he has these suspicions at least partly because he feels she's "clearly on the spectrum" and then tells US about it.

Generalizations based on gender are often inaccurate and haven’t been tested or proven. It’s not uncommon for supposed traditional views to be wrong.

Men and women engage in similar behavior, including suspicion and jealousy, more often than many would think.

I’ve never been suspicious or jealous, but my ex was. I’ve known women who’ve cheated, but I never would do so under any circumstances.

In any case, the OP needs to work on his insecurities if he values his relationship.

All people can have crushes outside of their relationship or even cheat. It’s not a gendered thing. I don’t think any person has the right to make unfounded assumptions about insincerity or infidelity based on the scenario the OP provided. Likewise it’s not appropriate to project one’s own insecurities onto their partner in such a passive-aggressive way.

If the OP was truly concerned for some reason he might have a rational conversation when she’s not heading out the door, and ask her point-blank if she’s interested in someone else. People who can’t manage mature and honest conversations like that shouldn’t be in relationships in the first place.