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Is it "your fault" if you're 30+ and haven't found the One?

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nick007
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17 Aug 2024, 9:19 am

BTDT wrote:
No it isn't.
It takes longer for some people to grow up.
Taylor Swift is a great example of someone that has taken a long time to grow up.
She was busy learning how to be a great entertainer and businesswoman!
Those skills took a very long time to acquire! Most singers never get to her level of business savvy.
She also had to deal with a ton of gaslighting along the way. Maybe this made her stronger?
In any case Taylor Swift is a great example because the gaslighting and other stuff is all out in public.
In fact, many of us saw it live as it was occuring! Like the time the big man interrupted her receiving an award!

Aspies take a long time to develop socially. Many don't have relationships until their 30s.
I don't think is is anyone's fault.

In the big picture it doesn't really matter, as most of us will live to our grand children in our 70s and 80s.
Not like the not so distant past where we didn't live that long.
Good point. However if someone majorly wants a relationship they'll need to take some steps to make that happen. That may involve them trying to be more mature & independent & functiononal


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18 Aug 2024, 12:36 am

chris1989 wrote:
I seem to be waiting for the chance of seeing someone who attracts me and then make the move to initiate a conversation with that person and go from there. That's how I met someone before when I visited a charity shop she was working in and one of the occasions I approached her and we started talking and then we met up and went out but we never got into a relationship though, she seemed eager at the time but I wasn't much as I felt it was too soon and ended up as friends instead. She was a really nice person but I didn't think she was someone I wanted a long term relationship with.

I don't know if that's a good thing to wait for a chance like that again or if I'm just wasting my time but not always using other alternatives like dating sites, meetup groups, clubs etc. But again these places don't really interest me in going as I was never a club going person and some meet-up groups I've come across don't seem to interest me.


I can definitely relate. I don't recommend dating apps at all. It's absolutely nearly rigged against men. Going to places where others share your hobbies is a start, but typically for me the stuff I'm into will more than likely be seeing way more guys than women.


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18 Aug 2024, 3:13 am

chris1989 wrote:
. . . Tracey McMillan . . . who wrote a book called "Why You're Not Married . . . Yet?" . . . explained that for women, if they are 30 and still haven't found "Mr Right" it's not it's their fault . . .
Misandrist trash.  For some women, it always seems to be a man's fault, no matter what.

Some women are repulsed by men, while other women are repulsive to men -- appearance, attitude, background, beliefs, and many other factors play into any person's attraction and attractiveness to others.

Besides, some women don't need to have men in their lives -- they are perfectly capable of doing very well on their own.


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SarkayanSweden
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18 Aug 2024, 4:12 am

I am 27 and turning 28 soon, still unmarried and haven’t even landed a dejt last two years… I was having depressive sympoms and social anxiety which made it impossible to talk to anyone.
Now today I just can’t communicate…. Help!


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Brian0787
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19 Aug 2024, 7:19 pm

This is my first foray into this part of the forum but found this question interesting and wanted to give my thoughts. In my humble opinion I personally think if you're over 30+ and haven't found the right one it's not necessarily your fault. I'm 37 and never been in a relationship. Life is "messy". Life is "complicated". Life is "not black and white" and life is anything but "linear" with our development. Assigning blame to me as if this or that person "needs" to do something to find the "one" or hasn't "taken enough steps" or "got their life in order" is just not 100 percent accurate in my opinion. Some personal responsibility is involved I realize but there are also factors beyond our ability or control at that present time.

Some can say maybe that it's "rationalizing" your own lack of "progress" in life but we are all truly on our own path. For some that path may be quicker than others. Some take steps and still haven't found that person or had success in relationships. Life is just not "linear". Some take two steps forward, three steps back in otherwords. That's something I need to accept more in my own life instead of feeling shame about where I'm at and I think others should try to take it to heart as well. Society places expectations that you need to meet "x" milestone at "x" time and it's just not realistic for everyone unfortunately. I'm not saying that dosen't mean give up or not try but I would not feel shame about where you are at. You just do what you can and don't worry about what you can't control That's just my opinion. :D


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Last edited by Brian0787 on 19 Aug 2024, 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ColdFeetareCold
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19 Aug 2024, 9:32 pm

SarkayanSweden wrote:
I am 27 and turning 28 soon, still unmarried and haven’t even landed a dejt last two years… I was having depressive sympoms and social anxiety which made it impossible to talk to anyone.
Now today I just can’t communicate…. Help!


If you want a date, just ask a man if he'd like to go to dinner with you (or woman, whatever you're into). There's a mechanic I know and I consider asking sometimes, but most men, if they've got jobs and look nice, well they're usually married. Still, doesn't hurt to ask. If they are, you just apologize and carry on.



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21 Aug 2024, 4:31 pm

What if you never wanted to find "the one" in the first place?


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23 Aug 2024, 8:50 pm

Brian0787 wrote:
Life is "not black and white" and life is anything but "linear" with our development. Assigning blame to me as if this or that person "needs" to do something to find the "one" or hasn't "taken enough steps" or "got their life in order" is just not 100 percent accurate in my opinion. Some personal responsibility is involved I realize but there are also factors beyond our ability or control at that present time.


this is really wise insight you have about life. When I was in my 20s I found it simpler and easier to attribute blame on females. "It's their loss" I would say. Not realising much of the time the issue had little to do with them but more to do with something about me. that something (for me) was carrying around high expectations for results with minimal effort on my part in terms of investing time on improving myself. this was not just the usual stuff red-pillers prescribe for a "quick fix" i.e. get fit (my problem was I was skinny so was obsessed with putting on weight) make more money, buy better clothes, use deoderant or aftershave etc...but neglected my own personal growth, growing as a human being makes you more calm/level headed and not likely to scare women away by saying something that makes you look like you are wearing a giant red flag.



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23 Aug 2024, 9:00 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Brian0787 wrote:
Life is "not black and white" and life is anything but "linear" with our development. Assigning blame to me as if this or that person "needs" to do something to find the "one" or hasn't "taken enough steps" or "got their life in order" is just not 100 percent accurate in my opinion. Some personal responsibility is involved I realize but there are also factors beyond our ability or control at that present time.


this is really wise insight you have about life. When I was in my 20s I found it simpler and easier to attribute blame on females. "It's their loss" I would say. Not realising much of the time the issue had little to do with them but more to do with something about me. that something (for me) was carrying around high expectations for results with minimal effort on my part in terms of investing time on improving myself. this was not just the usual stuff red-pillers prescribe for a "quick fix" i.e. get fit (my problem was I was skinny so was obsessed with putting on weight) make more money, buy better clothes, use deoderant or aftershave etc...but neglected my own personal growth, growing as a human being makes you more calm/level headed and not likely to scare women away by saying something that makes you look like you are wearing a giant red flag.


Thank you! We definitely need to invest in our own personal development as much as we can and we also have to realize we are not perfect. It can be easier said than done at times because I used to self-criticize myself after dates thinking maybe I shouldn't have said this or that and would analyze every little thing. It was really my OCD and it just pummeled my confidence levels. Now I am at a place where I realize I am doing what I can do and not to stress over it but just be me and hopefully the right person will maybe one day come along :)


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23 Aug 2024, 9:26 pm

Brian0787 wrote:
Now I am at a place where I realize I am doing what I can do and not to stress over it but just be me and hopefully the right person will maybe one day come along :)


this is the perfect way to be. Nobody (well at least on WP anyway) will pass judgement on your situation. Speaking for myself I have been there for the first 35 years of my life. With the wisdom of age I look back and realise a lot of my struggles (possibly 95% of them) with women were going on in my head. But I eventually got there. If I didn't it would not have mattered either.



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23 Aug 2024, 9:46 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Brian0787 wrote:
Now I am at a place where I realize I am doing what I can do and not to stress over it but just be me and hopefully the right person will maybe one day come along :)


this is the perfect way to be. Nobody (well at least on WP anyway) will pass judgement on your situation. Speaking for myself I have been there for the first 35 years of my life. With the wisdom of age I look back and realise a lot of my struggles (possibly 95% of them) with women were going on in my head. But I eventually got there. If I didn't it would not have mattered either.


Thank you! I appreciate that :) I sometimes have to remind myself to not worry about it. There's still some self-improvement things l like to do but I know it's just going to take time and I have to be content with where I am and not self-criticize :)


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23 Aug 2024, 10:20 pm

First of all I wouldn't put any stock in anything Dr. Drew or his guests say. I really dislike him and I think he tends to be full of himself and have pat answers that are just not true.

But I think the hardest part of meeting someone is the starting point. If you don't have a social circle, and it's not easy to get one, then you don't have a starting point from which to meet people and you are isolated, which makes you feel lonely and unaccustomed to interacting and it's just a difficult place to be. It's not your fault, but you can try to work on it. Nevertheless, it's not easy.



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23 Aug 2024, 10:27 pm

Brian0787 wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
Brian0787 wrote:
Now I am at a place where I realize I am doing what I can do and not to stress over it but just be me and hopefully the right person will maybe one day come along :)


this is the perfect way to be. Nobody (well at least on WP anyway) will pass judgement on your situation. Speaking for myself I have been there for the first 35 years of my life. With the wisdom of age I look back and realise a lot of my struggles (possibly 95% of them) with women were going on in my head. But I eventually got there. If I didn't it would not have mattered either.


Thank you! I appreciate that :) I sometimes have to remind myself to not worry about it. There's still some self-improvement things l like to do but I know it's just going to take time and I have to be content with where I am and not self-criticize :)


Definitely take your time, collect data, reflect and decide what's best for you.



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23 Aug 2024, 10:27 pm

bee33 wrote:
If you don't have a social circle, and it's not easy to get one, then you don't have a starting point from which to meet people and you are isolated, which makes you feel lonely and unaccustomed to interacting and it's just a difficult place to be. It's not your fault, but you can try to work on it. Nevertheless, it's not easy.


Very true