how can i handle my asperger boyfriend's anger?

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First time here, didn’t understand if i’m in the right section, i did my best.
I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend for six months. Since i am schizotypal and i have a personality disorder and i was depressed, it was not difficult to get out the speech of our psyches in one of our first dates, before getting engaged, so I know immediately that he is asperger. I stopped the percors with my therapist since months because of money and other stuff. He’s done a lot of psychotherapy for years, so he can handle many aspects of asperger, except for anger sometimes. We saw two days ago. We live in two different cities (15-20 minutes of distance). He was driving me home and the car had a problem. He was angry because the next day he ad a commitment and because of the car he didn't do that. Yesterday he send me voice messages because he had argued with his mother and i was very scared by those. But i always try to understand him, i listened to him and i never judge him. I am afraid of abuse, manipolation and the fact that when you are too involved it's difficult understand explicit manipolation and abuse (not his case, just my fear). He knows that and yesterday evening he apologized with me and said that with me he never would never do that because i don't deserve it. I knew that, but i like to hear it. This morning his dog scratched him and he was out of anger. Now, it was some years ago and he has calm down a little and me too. But his anger sometimes hurts me. Not in neurotypical way but in my disorder way, I think. It hurts me also because I don't really know how to behave and what I should do or help him. Whether i should indlge him in his anger (sometimes i think he's right), or not respond, or not respond but let him know I read it. Even because in real life when he talks of personal things i listened him and don't talk, and you know if i listened you in real life. But by texting you don't know. I want understand what to do and not to do. Thank you for your time (sorry for the bad english)

Welcome Queasiness! I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this.

Based on what you're describing it sounds to me like your boyfriend has issues with his emotional regulation. This is a common issue for autistic people. My brother is very similar in that he will explode with anger at anything going remotely wrong. It's like living with a powder keg. Therapy can help, my brother is much better than he was as a child, but in my experience this isn't something that goes away. It also isn't something you can avoid. It's impossible to know what will trigger anger, and constantly walking on eggshells sucks. The most important thing to remember is that their dramatic outburst is not your fault. It's on them to control their emotions.

My suggestion would be to have a serious conversation with him about his emotional dysregulation and how it is affecting you. We can't tell you the best way to respond to his outbursts of anger over text. Only he can tell you what he actually wants from you in those situations. You're going to have to talk to him and ask him what he wants. Also, don't be afraid to set boundaries!

It's not entirely clear from your post: but please, if this is negatively affecting your mental health, consider leaving if he does not put the effort into working on his anger issues. You deserve to feel safe and be with someone who doesn't have explosive outbursts that frighten you. Good luck!

My opinion: Tell him his anger is out of control and it is HIS problem to deal with. If he wants this relationship to continue he must show initiative and get help; he needs to find the root of his anger. It's not going to correct itself.

To Rhapsody: Hi, I am new here and excited to meet others. I would like to ask you to please not suggest people to leave there partners unless there is violence etc. It irritates me when women seem to have no problem doing this because men don't seem to suggest this unless there is something terrible going on because we know relationships are difficult for everyone. The OP did not mention violence and her bf seemed to be respectful to her and even apologized if I remember correctly. Hope you understand and appreciate you reading this with open mind.

The fact that it irritates you doesn’t bar people from saying it or from giving any advice here that seems appropriate to them as long as doing so doesn’t involve a rule break. There are many situations in which there is no violence where leaving may be a very good idea. It’s prudent to leave a relationship before it reaches the point of violence. Abuse doesn’t usually start with physical violence but escalates from less extreme behavior. Around 1 in 3 women experience domestic violence, so it’s worth both caution and understanding.

Rhapsody’s advice was on the mark here (as it typically is): “It's not entirely clear from your post: but please, if this is negatively affecting your mental health, consider leaving if he does not put the effort into working on his anger issues. You deserve to feel safe and be with someone who doesn't have explosive outbursts that frighten you.”

Notice that she didn’t say to leave him but to consider it if he was negatively impacting the OP’s mental health or wellbeing. That’s good advice.