Never good things in a social situation, and especially not together...
This is probably more of a 'tell me how you think this will end' than anything else, but all comments welcome, as always.
The best place to start, of course, is the end. Because by then you know everything. But I don't have that luxury, and therefore, start with the start !
University started four weeks ago. Suddenly, nobody I really knew around to support me any more. One of my hallmates (we live in a corridor of 6 in a student house. About 30-36 people on three floors. not roommate, not flatmate, hallmate, I have decided) decided to introduce me to the world of going up to the local bar and getting drunk, and at the same time socalising.
I met someone called Vicky briefly at a jutsu martial arts session on campus. She evidently remembered me more that I remembered her, because when people I had met socalising managed to get me to go to my first nightclub (I am getting over my noise issues, I just need *breathing* breaks, like a smoker needs smoking breaks... ), she said hello to me there. She made the mistake of asking someone already fairly drunk (Turns out im a lightweight... damn) to make sure she didn't drink anymore. So I kept reminding her of what she said. I was hammered(?) and taken home buy a couple of friends (the getting locked out is another story).
Anyway, in the morning, I get a text from Vicky that went along the lines of "Hi, I'm Vicky, remember me from last night? the one you kept calling drunk? How are you?". I met up with her later that day (us both living on the university campus) and we became best friends within about 3 days. Unusually, I also at this time started liking being hugged and hugging others, and the 'touchy feely' stuff I had always avoided. We hugged a lot, bickered in the way a couple that is used to each other do, and generally appeared to be a couple. Ask the people who saw us, when we told peopl we met, they were surprised. Most people who know us now at Uni either think we are a couple, or will be one at some point. And I guess this is where the trouble starts.
I started feeling very much in need of her company. I needed her to be happy. I was being like a big brother, or so I though, (my brother not actually getting along with me much) and I wondering if I was attracted to her, or if I was just being affectionate and caring. Within a couple of days, it was eating me up. I talked with some friends online a couple advised mind over mind, making it affection, as opposed to attraction, regardless of what it was. For I did not want to change our friendship, because we had become best friends. She asked me the next day if I fancided her, probably as a joke, and I said no, because I had decided I wanted it to be a freindship, not a romantic friendship, if you know what I am saying. She said good, cause she didn't fancy me. Still in a joking manner.
Over the next couple of days, she started obsessing about a guy called Ben. It got a little repeatative, but it was amusing. When she made her take her up to the Student Union bar (I say made, she asked me to take her, and I said no once before saying yes when she asked again.) to meet him. My gut instinct was to not like this person, not that I judge on it, seeing as how wrong I could be. Anyway, after a few days of her trying to get his attention (happened just over a week ago) he finally noticed her enough to hold her arm when we (as a group) went somewhere.
Problem is, about the time she started obsessing about Ben, I started to realise that I actually DID fancy her. (fancy is such a horrible word, but I've been told love is too strong....) Being who I am, I would never plan to tell her until she was over him and over not being with him. Problem is, I started feeling REALLY bad. It go to the point where I got so depressed that my only response was to go very manic to counteract it. Which left me hyperactive and depressive at the same time, so fast was I switching (litterally, seconds passed). I had an arguemnt with myself, like Smeagol (sp?) from LOTR. Including head twitching. About weather I was going insane or not. I met up with her and I was crying, being with her calmed me down. This was thursday.
In the evening, we drove (she drove) over to where she wasnted to pick up her Takwondo again, and I along to help navigate. We got to the place it was 2 minuites walk from. Unfortunatly, we were not told that the place was actually off a road that was on a 1 way road that came towards us. Got there 15 mins late (1 hour class) and she was too embarresed to go in. We went back to the car and just phones people, plannign to see the instructor afterwards. We went back inside 10 minuuites before the end of the lesson, and sat outside in the corridor. We got round to her going "Why were you upset this morning?". It went like this:
" I can't tell you. "
" Tell me. "
" I won't tell you. "
" Tell me. "
" No. "
Then, she jokingly goes "Do you fancy me?"
" Yes! "
" ..You do? "
" Yes.... s**t...didn't mean to say that. "
She was more concerned about the creepy crawlies on her car though, she said. She was annoyed for not realising (her friends had already worked it out, well, our friends? we got on well) and annoyed at me for saying no last time she had asked. Apart from the fact that I am now not going insane. Our friendship has not really changed. When she complains about men not liking her (she has doubt about Ben, despite wanting him) she still asks me why men don't like her. Now I get to say "Asking the wrong person", or when she goes "I like ben" in a soppy voice, I can go "I know how you feel." And I am not feeling like I'm going insane.
She confessed that she has really bad taste in men (romantically), since her past four romantic interests ended badly. She doesn't have feelings for me, and we kind of discussed the situation a bit. She wants to keep our friendship, and we do, but she still wants this other guy, and she isn't sure how it will turn out...
I have no idea how to handle this... and I don't want to start worrying about it. I've been taking anti-stress medication for two days (publicly avalible, not pescription) and worried that I may start getting depressed again.
This evening, after a few drinks, she fainted in her bathroom (not from being drunk, we think dehydration) and then told me via IM that she had and felt like she might be havign a panic attack (having had one the day before that I only just managed to control... not good). I immediatly phoned our friend whos room is next door to check she was alright. Then Vicky said again she felt like she might have one, and I said I wanted to go over. She said that she couldnt come down and let me in, and that our friend was asleep (this is the one who I spoke to not 5 mins ago). I rang our friend (Lorraine, might as well name her) and said I wanted to come over as I was worried about her. I RAN all the way (not a long distance, being close, but I have never run over before like that) and was let in (I'm over so often that most the people there let me in if they see me, she being in a differnt student block, near mine.). Anyway, I stayed with her for half an hour while she was talking and such, and then sat next to her desk in darkness for an hour and fifteen minuites, in case she woke up and had one. It struck me how much I care for her... I wouldn't have insisted(?) on going over for anyone else, I would have worried, but not insisted.
I'm just hoping that something a friend said will be true. Although I think it sound redundent, because she knows I will drop anything for her. Apart from maybe lectures. Anyway, a few people have said this, and I don't really understand it, but it was:
'One day she will realise that you have been there for her all along. ' (or similar).
Thank you for reading, I feel like I had to get something off my chest. I do like a ramble.... *sigh* I'm acting like a lovesick puppy... Thanks again. Damned emotions, eh?
EDIT: It is probably worth adding the following. She has Fibromyalgia (I think thats its name), meaning Chronic Fatigue, Chronic Pain, and insomnia (among others). She has apparently been on the best phase for a long time for the past 6 months. A friend with it online said that it can make someone bedridden for months, or in such agony that... well, imagine. At its worst, that is. And I would be here for her through all this, I spend all my time in her room listening to music and watching moves with her anyway... I would just do less interesting things if I were alone.
Went clothes shopping with her (well, she went, I just kept company), and we have a scarily similar taste in clothes. New look had a nice seat in the changing room where I practiced my sign language (I wanted to learn).
14 Oct 2007, 11:42 pm
