sex and the aspie woman

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Seems to me like (str8t)aspie women really dont have as much trouble finding men who want them as their (str8t)male counterparts. But seriously, WHY? Perhaps "social tactlessness" really doesnt matter much to most men or something.....

I think for women it more socially accepted to be a bit quiet and introvert, whereas men are facing the stereotype of being extrovert people with a bit of a macho side and who are socially easy going. I think that stereotype has something to do with it. Also, in lot of environments it is still the habit that men have to take the first step when it comes to romance, so in case of aspie men that first step often does not happen spontaneously while some girls just are not comfortable with approaching a man they like themselves.

After reading many posts, I have to say you're partially correct. It's easier for ASpie women to find a sexual partner, but no easier for them to find someone who really loves them. There have been some heartbreaking posts regarding how (certain) ASpie women let men use them sexually, hoping it would lead to greater intimacy, but didn't.

Not having to take the first step of course takes one aspie difficulty away but of course this does not automatically lead to a fulfilling romance. I read somewhere that there is more Aspie women having a good relationship (I mean romance, not sex) than the nr of male aspies that have a lasting romance. I am not sure if it is true though.

Very keen observation, Prof. Aspie women appear to have a lot of difficulty distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy social interaction. Men do, too, but women generally pay a higher price for the same brand of mistakes. New Zealander aspie and author Jen Birth tells in her memoir Congratulations! It’s Asperger Syndrome of the times in which she accepted very poor (or even overtly abusive) treatment in relationships (both hetero and homosexual) because she didn't know better or didn't know how to stick up for herself. It was a heartbreaking read and from what I have heard and experienced myself, I doubt such stories are uncommon among the aspie population.

Obviously this isn't just an aspie phenomenon, but I do think that our social difficulties place us in greater danger. It's not just that we're vulnerable to being used for sex or being sexually assaulted, I think we run a greater risk than NT women of being manipulated or mistreated in variety of ways, or consenting to dysfunctional relationships. Since all social interaction has a scary side to it, our radar isn't very good at picking up signs of danger.

Back to the original question... a subset of aspie guys complain way too much about being single. They are much less successful with women than their equally socially inept comrades who focus on the things that they find interesting and fulfilling rather than on their lack of a love life. That subset seems to assume that the reason they whine more is because they have worse luck, but I actually believe that they have worse luck because they whine. To me there are few turn-offs greater than a guy who is desperate to date. Some of the guys on this very forum waste a lot of time bemoaning the fact that they have no girlfriend, when that time would be put to better use discussing interesting topics and thereby making themselves more intriguing and attractive to women. Aspie guys need to understand that they cannot get a woman's positive attention by saying, "I want love! Take me now!" But such guys can pique curiosity and attraction by being visible and showing that they are interesting and have depth.

Sorry if that's too blunt.

im willing to nibble on the concept that it's easier for women to get dates in general

i have empirically found that i have gotten myself stuck in relationships that are not healthy for me.

i often times blamed myself for them not being happy, and indeed, perhaps that was so...

but ive always been hardpressed to just give up... so i've probably taken an emotional beating or 10+

It's not too blunt. That was well put and it needed to be said.

I have met many men who do that (aspergers or not). In those cases I assume that they want the sympathy more than the relationship.

As far as "women" with aspergers having an easier time with romantic relationships. Hmm, I myself can say from experience, that it may be true in some way. We might appear more emotionally detached which may incites men's "chase instincts". It works as long as the woman doesnt turn obsessive/compulsive and scare the man away.

The "emotionally detached" look probably has the opposite effect on women. Since female breeding instinct looks for strong males with good communication skill. This is evident with natural selection. The leaders of the tribes and most desirable/attractive mates were also the storytellers of the tribe. Still true, politicians, musicians, people in the spotlight appeal to women as desirable mates.

Some men with aspergers just have to mechanically learn to manipulate their body language and verbiage in a way that appeals to female breeding instincts if they want to attract a woman.

In the case of either gender, it would depend on the extent of that person's AS. There are guys with AS who can easily find dates, and girls who struggle.

For me, it's finding someone I would actually be interested in dating that's difficult. For me to be interested, she would have to be interesting.

Tim

I'm sorry, but it's just not fair to act like guys are just "whining". Plus they may not ever say a word about it in real life.

It is *MUCH* harder when you have to make the first move. I mean women can do either way, and I think that would be a big help in finding someone. But girls almost NEVER ask guys out.

I don't know what flirting is, I'm not involved in social situations, and I have no idea if a woman has ANY interest in me, so I have to assume that no one does. I basically CAN NOT in normal life find someone to date, let alone find a relationship that will lead to a successful marriage. And I WANT those things very much.

I'm basically dependent on some woman coming up to me and flat out saying "Hi, I'm interested in you and would like to go out on a date with you, is that okay?"
Do you know how likely that is? Basically zilch. I probably have a better chance of winning the lottery. On top of that, while I do think I have many qualities that would be great, I'm also eccentric in other ways, and not interested in parties, or social stuff, etc., which would make this all the harder.

Basically I have ZERO chance of meeting someone, despite being (apparently) good looking and having at least some things to offer. It's just not fair to act like I'm not allowed to complain about it on the only place on Earth where other people might understand it.

Yeah, in addition to having a girl drop out of the sky on me and pretty much ask me out, I'd *also* have to have a one in a million girl who's interested in what I am, AND has compatible moral values. The odds of all that are a trillion to one.

True. Maybe sometimes there is a girl liking this Aspie guy but she waits for him to come to her while he does not feel courageous or comfortable enough to make the first move. And that way a possible romance is ended before it has even started.

I think it is unfair that us men always have to take the first step. Women want equal rights ; fair enough but that involves equal duties (please don't take this statement too serious before accusing me of sexism of any kind)

For me, making the first move is easier. But it's the part about finding someone who I feel is interesting enough that's difficult.

Tim

Well, for the record, I've always found your posts interesting and insightful, not whining. When I first came on WP, a handful of posters immediately won my respect and you were one of them.

There's a difference in tone, I suppose. You talk about problems and ponder possibilties and solutions. The sort of guy I am talking about just complains and complains. That's really fine with me. No skin off my nose and I don't really mind hearing/reading it. But I think they do themselves a disservice by complaining so much and so hopelessly in an environment where they might otherwise be attracting women.

I think lotus_sprout9 (welcome to WP by the way!) makes a very good point about women being interested (both romantically and/or intellectually) in guys who express themselves well. This doesn't have to be in an emotional way, especially if the woman concerned is an aspie. I maintain, as I've said before in other threads, that aspie guys have a great asset in their special interests! You can attract women just by being yourselves, and you can make up for a lot of social deficiencies just by being knowledgeable and genuinely confident about the subjects you already like. Plus, any awkwardness is likely far more endearing to women than the aspie guy might guess.

I love it when my aspie guy writes to me about anything at all! As for the rest, I wouldn't change a single thing about him. I wish that a lot of you guys could see that its often the very qualities you worry about that will be most lovely to the right girl.

Welcome to WP, LS9!

Tim

Good advice Gwen.

The difficult part, at least for me... is that once someone is showing some interest in me the AS troubles come front and center. I don't know what to do... deer in the headlights situation.

It's like if I am just being casual and funny... and someone comes up and says... tell me a joke. All that pressure makes me choke...

AS women, being shy and not putting forth the right signals can still get a guy interested. If a woman is interested, and a guy does the wrong things... you can ruin your chances even if her initial interest is high.

And if you keep on doing your interesting thing, without showing any interest in her... women being so fickle, you'll still mess up.

There has to be some action on the part of guy. I think guys here often think up and exaggerate just how hard it actually it is, just out of fear of failure. Some effort would be viewed as nice to the right girl, knowing who is the right girl... and actually being attracted to her yourself... tricky.

But whining is definitely not the way to go. If I've learned anything... you have to believe that you would make a good boyfriend and go with it. Be honest about what has happened in the past, but don't assume that's your path for the future. In the end it may not even be about what you do, much of it just comes down to chance...

I can only answer this question based on what I have experienced:

Assuming that most guys think like me(Again, ASSUMING) males are only attracted to girls at first because of they way they look.

I could say that I care about what friends she hangs around with or what kind of personality she would have; but I would be fooling myself.

When I see a beautiful girl on the bus ride or while walking on campus I am going to immediately be attracted to her.

So, according to how I think, as long as a girl is hot- Men will be attracted to her. It doesn't matter if she is socially withdrawn and honestly most guys would probably like that even more because they think they would be able to take advantage of her.

Yeah, guys like girls who are not confident.

And this of course means that a lot of guys will make a move on her regardless of everything else as long as she is attractive.

Turning back 180 degrees in a reverse the reason girls hit on guys is the exact opposite:

Okay, girls definitely do like guys who look good, but they will not go out of their way to hit on him if he doesn't have a high status and/or the right mentality.

Looking good does help you for a guy, but all it really does is make girls talk about you.

It pretty much ends right there- Girls will talk about you with thier friends but they won't go out of their way to hit on you(Unlike in the example before).

In order to be successfull as a guy you will have to have the personality and the status to back up the way you look.

In fact, I don't think it would be too far out of context to say that personality and status are more important for guys than they way they look.

Women are going to hit on confident males; looks do help, but they aren't a necessity.

So the reason it is easier for a girl to get a boyfriend than a boy to get a girlfriend is simply because all the girl has to worry about is looking good.

Guys have to worry about everything else.