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dating a girl in a 12-step program

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Space
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22 Oct 2007, 10:53 pm

I am in a 12-step program for people recovering from alcohol/drug abuse, and I have been sober for ~2 years... anyways, there is a girl who started coming a couple months ago who I really like. We hang out (with friends though), and seem to get along well. She seems to be into me when we talk (eye contact, tone of voice, etc.), and we get along well. She has only been sober for about 3 months, and most people say you should avoid relationships in your first year of sobriety (I even said that to her once lol).

I would like to date this girl, and I am not interested in trying to get her into bed right away (even though I would love to sleep with her), but it seems like I am wandering into a minefield. She is new, and if things don't work out it may potentially mess with her recovery (not to mention my sanity), and people might look down on me asking her out when she is new. Also I am scared that we are in "just friends" territory, and we are not meant to be in a relationship. I feel quite awkward thinking about this, because I really like her, but would rather we just stay friends than have a disaster if that is what a relationship between us would mean.

Thoughts?



sinsboldly
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22 Oct 2007, 11:16 pm

Space wrote:
I am in a 12-step program for people recovering from alcohol/drug abuse, and I have been sober for ~2 years... anyways, there is a girl who started coming a couple months ago who I really like. We hang out (with friends though), and seem to get along well. She seems to be into me when we talk (eye contact, tone of voice, etc.), and we get along well. She has only been sober for about 3 months, and most people say you should avoid relationships in your first year of sobriety (I even said that to her once lol).

I would like to date this girl, and I am not interested in trying to get her into bed right away (even though I would love to sleep with her), but it seems like I am wandering into a minefield. She is new, and if things don't work out it may potentially mess with her recovery (not to mention my sanity), and people might look down on me asking her out when she is new. Also I am scared that we are in "just friends" territory, and we are not meant to be in a relationship. I feel quite awkward thinking about this, because I really like her, but would rather we just stay friends than have a disaster if that is what a relationship between us would mean.

Thoughts?


yeah, you with two years and she with a couple of months it is called Thirteenth stepping and it is considered rude and selfish to cloud up her first year of sobriety with a 'relationship'.
Please, if she really means anything to you, give her the grace of getting to know her self and give her a fighting chance with her sobriety.

Thank you,
Merle

PS what does your sponsor say?



Space
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22 Oct 2007, 11:27 pm

Never said anything to him about it. He once told me used to date a lot of women in the program but he "wouldn't recommend it."

You are probably right though.



sinsboldly
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22 Oct 2007, 11:58 pm

Space wrote:
Never said anything to him about it. He once told me used to date a lot of women in the program but he "wouldn't recommend it."

You are probably right though.


Well, I don't want to come off all mean and nasty. . but a little wake up call at what it means to her sobriety was what was called for here. You already realize that when boy meets girl on the AA campus there is more to it than if you met in the library or church. She is there for a reason, the same reason you came there, and now, you feel secure there and maybe even a little bored.
She has the right to be left to her own to get sober. She didn't come in to AA to meet men, even great guys like you!
So you, being the guy with the most sobriety, gotta step up and put her needs first.

Nine months can go by in a heartbeat, and by the time she gets her first year chip, just think of all she owes you! (that's a joke, son!)

in service,
Merle



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23 Oct 2007, 12:17 am

You could always mention that you like her but want to respect the first year thing... tell her you'd like to take her out after she's had that time if she's interested. That way she doesn't put you in the "just friends" pile but still gets her year to straighten things out.



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23 Oct 2007, 2:15 am

Been in recovery for 14 years and learned by bitter experience to not mix fellowship and romance full-stop, even after a year. But this is my own personal experience. I am in SLAA and we all have very clear bottom lines with regarding No intrigue or even swapping telephone numbers with those of the opposite sex.

I do find this hard, as I feel very attracted to people in my group, the sharing of one's soul is very connecting indeed.

However, you must find your own way and I hope you have a wise sponsor, that can help you, help yourself find your own way and NOT just his way to recovery.

Peace to you


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23 Oct 2007, 6:37 am

and forget your sanity... it also puts your sobriety @ risk


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0_equals_true
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23 Oct 2007, 6:50 am

I know of several cases of addicts doing this and there can be a range of reasons why addicts might peruse a relationship/sex. From self loathing to transference, etc, etc. I would say even you are not void of these kinds of reasons. Even if your intentions are more then honourable it might not be good for you.



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23 Oct 2007, 9:50 am

I'm sorry but what does a relationship have to do with sobriety?
I can't think of anything except for having to order a coke instead of wine on a date.


(I'm sorry if i sound rude, not my intention to do so, I'm just wondering.)



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23 Oct 2007, 11:07 am

AdrianB wrote:
I'm sorry but what does a relationship have to do with sobriety?
I can't think of anything except for having to order a coke instead of wine on a date.


(I'm sorry if i sound rude, not my intention to do so, I'm just wondering.)

Relationship goes bad, one (or both) of the two of them liable to become depressed.

Depression could lead to alcohol, and lots of it.

That's the exact opposite of the goal of being in a treatment program.



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23 Oct 2007, 11:19 am

It is not just that it is the reasons for going into a relationship in the first place.



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23 Oct 2007, 11:35 am

0_equals_true wrote:
It is not just that it is the reasons for going into a relationship in the first place.

Again, possibilities, but not ones I'm going to set any likelihood for since I don't have all the details of his situation, not that even that would be sufficient.



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23 Oct 2007, 1:17 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
Space wrote:
Never said anything to him about it. He once told me used to date a lot of women in the program but he "wouldn't recommend it."

You are probably right though.


Well, I don't want to come off all mean and nasty. . but a little wake up call at what it means to her sobriety was what was called for here. You already realize that when boy meets girl on the AA campus there is more to it than if you met in the library or church. She is there for a reason, the same reason you came there, and now, you feel secure there and maybe even a little bored.
She has the right to be left to her own to get sober. She didn't come in to AA to meet men, even great guys like you!
So you, being the guy with the most sobriety, gotta step up and put her needs first.

Nine months can go by in a heartbeat, and by the time she gets her first year chip, just think of all she owes you! (that's a joke, son!)

in service,
Merle


I think this is very wise advice indeed from Merle.

Be her friend, at least for now. If anything, this would drastically improve your future chances of dating and, dare I say it, both remaining sober - even if any ensuing relationship deteriorated.



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23 Oct 2007, 1:27 pm

shadexiii wrote:
AdrianB wrote:
I'm sorry but what does a relationship have to do with sobriety?
I can't think of anything except for having to order a coke instead of wine on a date.


(I'm sorry if i sound rude, not my intention to do so, I'm just wondering.)

Relationship goes bad, one (or both) of the two of them liable to become depressed.

Depression could lead to alcohol, and lots of it.

That's the exact opposite of the goal of being in a treatment program.


plus, it's a peer pressure thing, lame as that sounds.

she's new so is more likely to slip... if he's involved with her and she goes into a lapse... being that close to someone doing that stuff is more pressure on him... more tempation


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23 Oct 2007, 2:00 pm

Merle's advice is good. It would be a potential risk to her sobriety in the first year. I have known a few couples who have gotten married and met in AA meetings though (doubt it was in the first year). In addition to waiting a year you might think about how many meetings you go to a week that you see this woman. The reason why they tell you to not date people from AA/NA is the same pretty much as not dating people at work. If you two were serious and then had a bad breakup, would it be impossible to avoid eachother afterwards at AA meetings? Where I live there are tons of meetings all over the place, so that wouldn't be as big a problem.



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23 Oct 2007, 4:16 pm

shadexiii wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
It is not just that it is the reasons for going into a relationship in the first place.

Again, possibilities, but not ones I'm going to set any likelihood for since I don't have all the details of his situation, not that even that would be sufficient.

Isn't that the point? It is hard to know yourself, and you can't be sure about her either. Nothing special, but in this situation it might be better to be cautious.