He/She's Just Not That Into You

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I've been noticing that there are many guys who have trouble knowing whenever a girl is interested in them because women give mixed signals.

But as I was talking to a friend we've noticed that women have it more bad. They seem to never notice if a guy is that into them. We also talked about that when a girl is not interested in a guy, we almost always know.
On WP there are more threads on here by women such as "Is he really interested" "does he really like me"
and guys have threads such as "how do I approach a woman" "I don't understand why this is a turn off"

the i don't understand why this is a turn off thread and why do girls seem attracted to jerks and not nice guys ...already in those titles, there is certainty from the poster that the girl is not already interested in him.
Whereas the girl usually has trouble figuring out if the guy is interested.
I know why guys are like this. they run into so many mixed signals with women, like saying one thing and meaning another, that they just eventually take the mixed signal and flip it around into a straight forward signal. like " Let's be friend for now" which really means, "I dont like you back off"....and no guys sorry, they dont even wanna be friends either.

But i think women are so use to giving mixed signals that they interpret a guy who shows interest or a guy who says "You're pretty, i like you" to "You're alright, but I may be interest in you, and I may be not, you just have to play my game to figure out". or they often wonder if the guy is after them for sex or a relationship.

To tell the truth people say women give mixed signals, but I think they make it pretty clear when they are interested or not.(through their mixed signals). and men often waste their time trying to figure out why the girl isnt interested, thats our main problem NT or not. because we think if we can figure out one, we can figure them all out (and thats not true)
Whereas Men on the other hand already expects the girl to play mind games or is afraid he will hurt the girls feelings if he says he doesnt like her, being that society potrays women as sensitive, or the fact that the guy knows how it feels to be blatantly rejected and has had it happen to many times b4.


what are your thoughts on this

Last edited by Travell on 22 Jun 2009, 10:25 am, edited 3 times in total.

I'd agree with you; it' equally hard for both genders to tell whether or not someone is interested in them.

I had to work at deciphering the clues. I think I've mastered it.

Well for once I agree with you here Travell. It is very hard...at least for me personally to read people and lean towards doubt. I think for most people doubt and the negative process of assuming those you can't figure out, is a defense mechanism. The fear of rejection is probably the greatest motivator behind prospective relationships especially if one is already struggling in the peking order of social engagement.

Or you have no clue and refuse to accept it.

I do it very simple, if I like a girl I tell her, otherwise I ignore her. Not much to figure out.

Please fill me in.... if you've mastered it.... explain it... I'm so tired of stressing over if a guy is really into me or not... if he's only after sex and if i give in he will be gone etc... please share your wisdom.

As a girl, I'd just like to say a collective thank you. Could you please offer your tutoring services to the ones that don't tell but don't ignore, either. Or at least, don't ignore completely...just enough to keep you wondering...

I just wish people would be more truthful and straight-forward when it comes to dating. Too many games, by men and women. NT's complain about this as well, so it isn't just people on here. Women do give mixed signals. I don't know if they are confused themselves, or they just don't know how to say what they mean. It could be that they don't like being pressured, or put on the spot, then try to weasle their way out of the situation, who knows. They talk around the subject, say one thing and mean another, sugarcoat things (which makes things even more confusing), and play guessing games.

Men, on the other hand, have a bad habit of lying, or hiding their intentions from women, and some can be pretty sneaky. It could be that they are afraid of rejection, if they are too open, or that they aren't really interested in having a relationship with them, just sex.

A typical scenario I have seen before:
A guy asks a girl out, and she isn't interested in him. She will kinda talk around the issue, and say something like "we can hang out as just friends, if you want to".

The guy is thinking to himself, "well, she is willing to hang out as friends, so she doesn't totally dislike me". "Maybe if I hang out with her more, do this and that for her, and be really nice to her, she might change her mind later on".

When he asked her, she should have said something like: "Your a nice guy, but I'm not interested in going out with you", and leave it at that. It would make things so much easier.



One way to tell if someone is interested in you (this goes for men and women), is if they go out of their way to see, talk, or be close to you in some way.

So, for you women out there, if a guy goes out of his way to see you, hang around you, or stops and talks to you more than what the usual person would, he is probably interested in you. Also, guys are a little more direct, when talking to women, and they usually mean what they say. So, if he says "can I call you tomorrow at 5:00"? , it usually means he wants to call you tomorrow at 5:00.

Are the guys interested in you for sex? Yes, pretty much all men want sex from women, it's just that some men want sex only, whereas others want a relationship first, with sex being an added benefit.

A very simple philosophy: What I feel has nothing to do with how the otherone feels.

Most guys are for some reason afraid to lose their face and they think that liking someone that does not like them back is somehow to lose it. So they wrap it in as much as possible so that they have a little "lifeline".

That is the best advice ever, that's where the frustration just ends, I hope everyone is reading this.

OP - I think you are on to something...

It would seem that women are not as sensitive as they would claim to be, or they would know when a guy is interested, and what he is interested in.

Just the other day, I had to explain to a friend of mine that the guy who was calling her everyday on his way home from work and talking for hours but not returning her calls on the weekend, was just not that into her. He was bored from the drive home and called here to alleviate his boredom.

The main issue seems to be that our own bias gets in the way (regardless of gender) when it has to do with someone we're interested. When that happens, we ignore bad signals and over-emphasize good ones, and thus refuse to admit to ourselves the truth if someone truly does turn out to not be a good fit.

This is compounded by other factors, like someone being good enough to get homework answers off of or to unburden our problems to, but not good enough to sleep with or have a loving relationship with. Thus, we use certain people, knowing that their attraction to us keeps them available. When they go ahead and push for it all, they ruin this convenient but parasitic arrangement, because they finally make us draw the line.

In general, I think that women are better at judging who is or isn't interested, except when it comes to themselves (though studies find they are still pretty accurate at picking up signals, much more than men). They seem to be very good at spotting when a another girl likes a guy, and very good at spotting when a guy likes another girl. Men are already shown statistically to be 50% wrong when it comes to signals regarding themselves (some of the reasons why explained above). I do think guys can spot interest in both genders when it is outside of them, but in general men tend to be either much worse at it, or just too self-interested, to detect reliably or accurately.

Of course, all of the above is under NT rules and abilities -- if the person is an Aspie, we all know that this can make it much harder for either gender.

One thing that doesn't get brought up enough in this love and dating forum is self esteem. I think it may be the biggest key in confidence and getting what you want out of a relationship. I tend to notice that even people who are physically flawed like being overweight seem to have no trouble in relationships. Knew a girl like this and she went through one man after another. I think her biggest appeal was going right up to the men she wanted and charming them away. She also didn't express as much anguish as I would in rejection. My brother's the same way.

As for me, I always find flaws in myself which makes it even harder to be as bold as to show interest or recognize any given signals. Even then, it's too easy to only assume the negative.....I guess so I won't get hurt or look like a fool. That and then having poor communication skills which gets in the way of small talk...something that is vital in developing relationships of any kind.

I tend to think that a lot of heavy women who meet the description you make above are in fact overly confident. You don't see a lot of heavy guys with that overabundance of confidence, because heavy men just don't have as much of an opportunity to sleep with other people (at least at a younger age).

For women, it's different, and even very ugly women can find sexual partners (crack and meth prostitutes, case in point, are very heinous and still find people willing to pay them). I think a lot of heavy women take a "good enough" approach to their looks, are self-indulgent, but notice that they still have an abundance of partners and a low rejection rate.

However, I wouldn't correlate their success to their confidence, so much as their gender. Yes, their confidence opens doors and finds opportunities, but a heavy man with the same approach experiences a much higher ratio of failure to land a new sexual partner.

Conversely, many very skinny women (including anorexics and bulimics) and women with great bodies have very low self-esteem -- their self esteem issues and worries about "not being good enough" drives them to keep the good figure, probably because they are very averse to any rejection at all. The heavy woman has thicker skin, and is ok with some rejection (just as long as she gets to keep eating )

Interesting. I would agree on this one, it's very true - a phenomenon I have observed in society.

Guys are sucessful with women if they have confidence, good looks, are exciting, or have a charming personality. They are pretty much screwed, if they don't have these things. Women, on the other hand, don't really need much at all to be sucessful with guys. Sure, the good looking, good personality, or nice bodied ones have a great sucess rate, but even the unattractive, low self-esteemed, or ones with bad personalities get men. Why, because guys are basically like animals when it comes to women, and are hard-wired to lust after them, and reproduce. If they can't find the one they really want, they basically keep lowering their standards until they do find one, no matter if that's what they are looking for, or not. Women don't work like this, and that's why they have better sucess when it comes to the dating game. With the constant supply of guys lusting after them, women can cherry-pick the good ones out of the bunch, and throw away the bad ones (the low confidence, fat, ugly, boring ones).

Guys are in a catch-22 situation. If they don't have confidence to begin with (for whatever reasons), how are they ever going to gain any, when they get rejected all the time for not having it?

Last edited by SilverStar on 24 Jun 2009, 12:25 am, edited 1 time in total.