Aspergers and Marriage

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Hello,
I asked my girlfriend yesterday to marry me and she said yes. But I didn't tell her I have aspergers. I feel bad now not telling her that I have it. How do I tell her so she doesn't freak out and that she will understand me. So she will still want to marry me. For not telling her that I have it. I did tell her before I asked her to marry me that I suffer from depression and that I take meds. I don't want to hurt her. She was k with that:)

Your depression may well have developed from the difficulty of coping as an Aspie in an NT world, before you even knew about being an Aspie. If so, approach the disclosure from that angle, explaining how you have been coming to a greater awareness of the origin of your depression. Likewise, there are communication difficulties with Asperger's which would most likely account for the delay in disclosure. Try to explain the delay in light of that. A good quote is: "How do you communicate that you have a communication disorder when you have a communication disorder?" (That's actually the title of a chapter from the book, Asperger's Syndrome and Employment, though I'm using it outside of the employment context).

Imagine you're her... how would you want to hear it? You've observed her... how does she best hear surprising news?

I don't know how long you've been seeing each other, but if it's been a while, then she already knows at some level, so it will just give her a framework for better understanding. Bringing up some of your Aspie traits (social shyness, or needing to do things 'just so') and then letting her know their context... they're symptoms of a neuronal difference, a different brain wiring, NOT a neurosis to be fixed. (That's an issue I'm facing right now, sorry if it's not appropriate to your situation). Bring up all the wonderful Aspie traits you have... loyalty, logical thinking, honesty, clarity and straightforwardness.

Let her talk about what she sees, ask questions, and be willing to explore potentially difficult areas... alone time vs social time, sexual appetites, parenting... explore your mutual strengths and shortcomings together mindfully and lovingly. Together you will be a team, and if you both have courage and love you will be bringing something precious and much needed into the world... a vision of mutual support and acceptance, a partnership of joy.

And super-duper CONGRATS!

how you know someone well enough to marry them without having to tell them is what I want to know

Oh shoot, happens all the time... don't you read Dear Abby? People don't tell about some really incredible things... like kids from a previous marriage... previous marriages... previous homo affairs... previous bankrupcies... previous prison records...

Anything that a person thinks might mess up the chance for a relationship may not get mentioned, and then the more time passes, the harder it gets to bring it up, because now you've got something to lose.

So sooner is way better than later.

How long have you been dating? And it hasn't been a problem during the dating process? Wow that's awesome....

Yea, all that, and the stuff about how you know her well enough to get married without her knowing about the AS.. I know that people hide things like was pointed out but am wondering... does she know about all the traits you have but just not know that it's a disorder? It's likely that some of the traits of the disorder are exactly the characteristics that brought the two of you together in the first place.

Dude you really have nothing to worry about and I base this on two things:

1. She was cool with you about your depression and meds. Most people still don't think that asperger's is a seriuos condition anyway. So I'm sure she will understand.

2. I find it VERY impressive that ANY nt would tolerate any aspie enough to accept a marriage proposal. Heh i'm not trying to sound harsh at all. I think it's great that she's willing to accept your personality without having to explain yourself. It's a truth and a rare feat to find an nt who truly tolerates AND loves you. Congrats

I don't get the surprise in you not telling her you have aspergers.

You make it sound comparitive to someone who hasn't mentioned to their wife that they're a transgendered male or someone with a sever case of mental illness (not making fun of anyone w/ mental illness by the way, I'm just saying....) Aspergers isn't a mental illness and I don't see why not she'd marry you b/c you're simply on the autistic spectrum. I mean you've already spent a length of time together for her to know a little bit about yourself right?

Wouldn't be any different except issues you may have in living arrangements. You could bring the issues you're having with AS to her so that she isn't puzzled as to why you spend time alone or why you seem more interested in your hobbies than her or why you prefer the company of cats....

I don't normally bring up my diagnosis unless I'm struggling with an issue linked to some of the deficits involved with ASD like lack in communication or not being able to handle a certain amount of stimuli. Even then, I find it tough to explain to someone who usually doesn't know what it is...

Thank you all for replying to my questions:) We have been dating only for 9 weeks. I 'am going to tell her tpday. I will keep you posted. This forum is great!

To the people talking about "an NT girl dealing with an aspie" I'd like to point out that while the ratio of males to females diagnosed with AS is about 1:10, the actual ratio of aspies is closer to 1:4, and there's really no way to know that it's not even more than that. In other words, the vast majority of aspie girls are not diagnosed. Of course, most will have very severe mental problems from the general stress of being a completely unrecognized aspie, and traumatic treatment experiences from misdiagnosis... but that's beside the point. What I'm saying is that there are lots and lots of girls who have AS but don't know it.

HUH?! Whether or not you're of the view that it's a gift or something, it IS classified as a mental illness and cannot be diagnosed unless there is impairment associated with it.

Please, what the hell does *gift* have to do with this....

Maybe I need to explain myself better, it isn't a psychopathic disorder.

It is a neuropsychological disorder.

My first thought is that she must have some idea of your Asperger traits if she knows you well enough to accept your marriage proposal (although 9 weeks isn't a whole lot of time!). The problem with not knowing that you have Asperger's is that she may just think some of these things will just "go away" over time.

When my husband and I got married, I was concerned about a few things - clearly Asperger related. At the time, neither of us knew anything about Asperger's. In fact, I'd broken up with him two or three times during our time dating because of them. He always explained to me that he was working on them, and I assumed that he would "transition" out, especially since he expressed an interest in doing so.

Has your girlfriend mentioned any misgivings about your personality or habits? Is she thinkin that "love will conquer all"?

Obviously sense she said yes she wouldn't really care, Because she probably loves the little quirks autism can give, She loves you for who you are, A person with autism

Unless you've known her for some time before you started dating, at 9 weeks I doubt either on of you is seeing each other very clearly. Things probably feel pretty intensely wonderful, hormones raging, the joy in each other's company pretty fantastic.

You might want to set the wedding date a few months out... just to give yourselves time to come back to earth.

My partner and I were together for a year before she asked me to marry her. Then it was another 4 months before the actual ceremony. We're still together 9 years later and it just keeps getting better every year. But the time we took up front laid a solid foundation... we both deliberately waited for the heat of passion to wear off, having made rash and foolish choices in the past and not wanting repeats. We did a lot of talking about 'issues' and developed a way of working out our differences that strengthened our relationship rather than undermined it.

And the process continues still...

There are people around here who claim that AS makes them superior to NTs and stuff.. I thought maybe when you said it wasn't mental illness, that was what you meant..

So by your definition, depression isn't a mental illness either? It's certainly not psychopathic...
Since AS doesn't always show up in brain scans the way Kanners usually does, I'm hesitant to put the neuro part in there.. unless, of course, you put depression, anxiety, ADHD, and any other psychological disorder that's not "psychopathic" into that category as well. (I think depression, in a lot of cases, is a crock diagnosis, I'm not so into the whole "let's call a symptom it's own disorder" thing.. making a depression or anxiety diagnosis is usually a way out of figuring out what the underlying problem is. But that's besides the point.)

What exactly do you define as a psychopathic disorder?