Relationship with AS Gf

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hi,

im just wondering.
in a relationship with an AS, what can you do to make her feel loved and make her attracted to you? and how would you know if you are making her feel loved? im 17, and shes 16

because we've been together for 10 months now, and, ive just noticed that every time i say something from the bottom of my heart - she seems to be 'emotionless' and she cant look me straight in the eye and has to stare at my posters on my wall lol and once (i will never forget this) she even made aeroplane noises and started jerking my hands up and down after i told her that i love her so much and she is the only girl i want to be with in a long time haha!

this is the same when we do sexual things, she just stares at the walls and keeps quiet.
sometimes, i feel good because im telling her what i feel, but sometimes i feel like im talking to a brick wall.

like, im trying to make her feel really loved and closer to me, but it seems like no matter how much i tell her i love her, she seems to stay the same and doesnt react, and it makes me feel worthless.
and the thing is i cant just 'take it as it is' until i know she feels loved and can somewhat show me she acknowledges my feelings.

any input would be really much appreciated,
thanks.

Sounds as if you really love her
I'm sure she feels the same, but she just doesn't know how to react. Sometimes we just don't show any emotion even if we feel it. I have been scolded for not showing any emotion or enthiusiasm to things even if they interest me and I find it easier to concentrate on what someone is saying if I am looking at the environment around me. Maybe she's the same.
If you hold your breath until she gives you clarification you may miss out because she may never give it to you, but if she didn't feel the same would she spend time with you, or do things with you?
She clearly feels comfortable around you and that is very difficult for some of us, so I'd say she just doesn't know how to let you know she loves you to, but I'm sure she does.
And it's lovely that you're giving someone whose actions would be considered 'weird' to others a chance. Shows not everybody is shallow and that there is hope for all of us! Keep up the good work, you will be rewarded I'm sure

When you ask her how she feels, she feels that you've put her on the spot. Being unresponsive during intimacy; she probably doesn't have a better thing to do, so she does that. Airplane noises are probably her way of changing the subject.

The creed of the aspy in matters such as this seems to be that actions speak louder than words. We have free will, and we certainly won't do anything we don't want to.

Since some of the nonverbal cues like looking other people in the eye, facial expressions and the like seem difficult for her,it may be helpful to keep your eye out for other ways that she could be telling you she loves you.

*literally-plainly and verbally saying things "I love you" and "I enjoy being with you"

*giving gifts- it doesn't need to be expensive. Even little things are ways some people communicate their love.

*acts of service/doing things for other people- A friend of mine has trouble with the nonverbal cues as well, but he fixes my computer. Even if he had a hard day and people are constantly asking him for tech support, he still offers. And I let him because I know it's one of his ways of saying he cares when he has a hard time with non-verbal cues and saying the words.

*and there maybe others I haven't listed or experienced. Keep an eye out for those too.

The fact that she made aeroplane noises and started jerking your hands up and down in and of itself speaks volumes to how much she trusts you. In my own experience, I never share my special interests and obsessions with other people unless I'm damn sure they won't reject, ridicule and/or cause me physical harm because of my quirks.

Bravo,orangesun! Your patience and understanding will take you far in any number of arenas but most especially in love. I wish the two of you every happiness.

Thankyou kissmyarrrtichoke, Apera and Dark_Red_Beloved for your support, it has made me feel a bit better knowing that I am not completely deviating from track. I love her so much, and even though my dad is a bit judgemental of her - I love her for the way she is.

Well, the thing is, I am very blind - and she has told me I am as well - like once I got frustrated 3 months because I was very insecure and confused and she wasn't able to say anything to me to make me feel better.

Sometimes I just find it hard to point out the things she does that shows that she cares/loves me. Being generally a pessimistic person, I try not to assume the best of things because I have been hurt before.

But I just sort of need some indication of what should I look out for when I need to feel reassured. I'm not insecure or anything, but being an NT, you often wonder what they feel if they have only said I Love You in person once in 10 months.
What kind of questions could I ask, What kind of actions should I do/look out for?

And also, please anyone, provide personal stories as well. Anything is much appreciated
Thanks

Ask her to write you a letter and tell you in writing how she feels. She won't respond in person because she's probably getting anxiety and perhaps even a mini panic attack when you are together. Those feelings will make her lack for words to describe how she feels. And yeah the stimming and the noises are her way of dealing with anxiety and stress.

OP, you two are very young - is this her first relationship? The thing is that Aspies sometimes don't realize that a lot of us NTs like to hear "I love you" on a regular basis. Aspies can believe that because they've said, "I love you," and their feelings haven't changed (she still loves you), there's no reason to say it again. Since she's so young (and I'm assuming inexperienced), she may not realize that it's important to you that she tells you she loves you on a fairly regular basis. Why don't you tell her that you'd like to hear it more often, and ask her if that would be okay with her? It may sound less than romantic, but give her an idea of how often you'd like to hear it. Good luck.

compliments make me uncomfortable. saying you love someone over and over is not needed, either.

OP, if all NTs were as understanding as you, the world would be a much better place.

As others have said, we sometimes have trouble showing emotion. Maybe saying things like "I love you" via e-mail or IM would be better? She would have a chance to think about what to say, how she should respond, etc.

I wish you two the best of luck

Why gauge for a response? If you've been with her for 10 months, you should be picking things up with how she responds. Maybe the problem isn't her, but you for not understanding her fully.

The point of the matter is that everyone reacts the same when not interested. Usually ignoring, or changing the subject to something unrelated.

I'd take the whole grabbing of hands as a positive sign. After all, you know what they say. Actions speak louder than words

Mhm, I agree with pretty much everyone here.

I haven't ever dated [not really interested, so I don't flirt or let boys know I'm looking xD] but I have had a "boyfriend" [really just a boy who wanted a 'girlfriend' so he called us that]. We were in the pool one night and holding hands under the water; my idiots of siblings and his idiot of a brother were off in the hot tub yelling, "Kiss! Kiss!" which is the LAST thing you want to hear in an awkward moment like that >__> Anyway, so he says, "You know, the best way to make them shut up is to do what they say."

Aaaaand here comes the panic attack. I really, really wanted to, like, a lot. But I don't know what came over me -- I told myself I wasn't ready and I actually got kind of scared that we were moving so fast. So I go, "I don't kiss before the first date" [like that one hasn't been used a million times] and he got all pouty.

SO THEN I SWIM TO THE OTHER END OF THE POOL.

I have no fricking clue what I was thinking. I just kind of stayed in the corner and Aaron [BF's brother] and my own siblings came over and asked why I didn't kiss him, and I told them I wanted to take it slower. But then he 'broke up' with me a couple days later when I got annoyed over him checking out another girl.

Point being, I don't know why I did what I did. Because it was really childlike and I feel really stupid for doing it. But in the case of your girlfriend, I'd say this is probably how she's reacting -- she's panicking inside and not knowing what to do because she's not used to this. It's not a big deal and doesn't mean she doesn't love you, she just doesn't know how to express it. The letter thing is a good idea: I'm a writer and so every serious thing I have to say goes in writing. [Truth be told, I never even thought how strange it was that I write a note to someone to share something serious until now.] So maybe try that? It could work :]

You really are an understanding person and I love that. Especially with the airplane noises and such. Most people would be like, "...okay, I'm getting out of here." I think it's really sweet how you understand her :3

Hi guys,

I am so glad that I am gotten responses somewhat

Thanks for the encouragement, to be honest, it almost brought a tear to my eye when some of you complimented me and stuff.

But I guess, its just a bit weird now, cause Savannah, she was in the same situation - except she only realized she was going fast a few weeks ago, she said she had sort of regretted our first kiss and how it moved so fast. (been together for a year now)

I don't know maybe its because I'm going insane, but, we have had a lot less affection for about a month, we just only kiss once (when we usually make out and she doesn't seem to be open to hugging me when I ask for a hug.)

I don't know, I guess this is the point where I feel stress again after a whole 3 months of perfect sailing, but this time, I sort of consider just walking away, because she seems a bit unappreciative of me now, (in my feelings I guess) like - the sense that I'm always going to be there for her so she doesn't need to think about me sorta feeling.

Often its hard to deal with vocally expressing emotion. I know for a fact I never said "I love you" to anyone but the cat for at least 20 years. I've dealt with saying it a little bit more but still find it extremely hard over the past few years.

And you just don't know what to say to that.. it doesn't mean the love isn't there. She possibly just has a hard time expressing it. It has to be judged on a case by case basis, this also could be a sign that she isn't that into you but I don't know the situation.

You seem like a decent guy, whatever happens I wish you all the best.

I feel like maybe you don't know enough about her disability, it makes it hard for her to keep eye contact and to understand what you are feeling. She's not a brick wall, she just takes more time to understand what you're saying and how you feel. You just need to be patient and take your time with explaining things to her. She might not understand what you mean, and you should not give up because she is definitely worth the effort.