People Say I Shouldn't Actually "Look"...wish I un

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This one's been confusing me for years. My single status hurts more and more with each passing year. Ten years since I first starting showing interest in the opposite sex and I've hardly made progress. But I'm still learning. Rounding down the options. Working out how to maximise the probabilities. Working out what 'My Type' really is. And people say "Don't Try", "You're Trying Too Hard", "It'll Happen When You Least Expect It". Erm....come again?

Nothing I've ever achieved has 'just happened'. Everything I do is characterised by squeezing fate by the throat - making things happen that otherwise wouldn't. It's my way of doing stuff. Sitting around at home isn't going to help. Meeting up with the same small ground of people all the time isn't. What exactly do they mean when they say "I'm trying too hard?". It's never made sense, they've never come up with an explanation that makes sense. But they don't have AS either.

Can any of you please explain this one to me in terms that an ultra-analytical but psychologically-inept Aspi like myself can understand?

Ditto for me. Going to class every day and taking photos of TV towers isn't going to get me anywhere. Girls don't just come to me.

Just remember not to tell them that when you start going out

Im terrible today

What they mean when they say you're trying to hard is that it appears you want it very badly. People of the opposite sex can sense when you really want them or when you're desparate, and it's usually a turn-off. So you have to do what the NT's do, and act as if you don't care. Does that help?

Well if its any consolution if you were a chick i'd go out with ya. Can't live with someone who doesn't dig my music, especially old fiendflug.

You clearly have had advice thrown at you but not explained. When you go out and about and socialise you need to adopt the attitude off going out to make friends of both sexes and not this mentality of going out "on the pull" as we would say in the UK. Sounds like you've already got yourself a reputation as being desperate because logically you have been persuing this attempt with vigor and determination that only your fellow aspie homies can appreciate as some of us have been there and done that and got the shirt. Afraid a reputation is a hard thing to reverse sometimes particulary if people know you to be "desperate" and it sounds like you've been tagged with the desperate label.

You need to adopt a more laid back attitude and look to make friends and not to simply think you have to do something in order for a relationship to happen. Be positive sir you've got some good traits already. You've got good taste in music...you maybe don't own an erasure or beach boys album for example...ok maybe an erasure album if your a sucker for synth like me...but back on topic your also a fairly good looking chap if i don't say so myself as a fellow hetrosexual male so really you've got alot going for you already...i mean fiendflug jeez you should be racking in the chicks if your down with that lovely peice of noise

Clearly we need to form the aspie rivethead coalition and find where these german rhythmic noise lovers are out there but until then you need to look inward and build on your strengths and learn to have some self respect and maybe even abit of esteem even if it is faked alittle (confidence is never genuine anyone who tells you otherwise is dillusional) i wish you luck in your endeavours to find a lady friend. When you end up in a couple (its not a question of if) We can for m a thread to b***h about the horrid musical tastes of our partners so until then best of luck

Is it a turn off for you though. Playing the devils advocate here?

No, I'm not playing the Devil's Advocate. I'm serious.

Extreme interest can be a turn-off or a turn-on for me, depending on how interested I am in the person. A sense of desperation is never a turn-on.

No i was being the devils advocate here. Get off my self proclaimed title get your own

A turn off/turn on for me....man don't get in the way of a womans ego. You little sadist you just like to watch them foam over you like thirsty rabbies infected dogs. Alittle boost to watch them crawl for your approval.....

Im only joking here by the way

aylissa, I totally agree with what you said off the start. The problem is, especially for an aspie guy, even showing the subtlest signs that your needy even when you're playing it cool 95% of the time and your eyes just jerk over in a girl's direction when she walks in the room for a second is an instant sign of neediness all too often. In fact its almost unfair how much it just resonates - its like if you have even a gram of neediness in you, no matter how well you think you're covering it over, it's like blood in the water arround a shark - women seem like they can smell like one part per billion and the second a passing thought like that even moves through your head (as a guy) you start noticing, real curiously, that you have a cold second with a lot of the women arround you (the nonverbals they give almost make is seem like you're very thinking it just broadcast the fact). That's one of the reasons why I've tried real hard to just iron that out of myself completely and do whatever I can not to even let myself feel the emotions that lend me to needy body language, no matter what my status is or has been or how I should feel if I were just taking reality as it comes.

As for jonny, if that's his picture at least he has one thing going for him for sure - he looks like a proper guy. Seems like if you have cute, fragile, or other non-verile features to your appearance, while it can do a lot for guys in respect to women, it's almost as bad of a turn of to women in respect to guys as neediness is on it's own. As for trying to hard here's what I really think it means: there is a certain feng shue to the way NT's move and think, it's like there's only one way to do the dance for one set of emotions thoughts, state of mind, etc. and if your outside that groove it's like your going directly against the flow, things seem deliberate because you made the event or the topic rather than it comming to you, and that's usually what people mean I think by 'trying too hard' - when people see that in you its like just for that second, even if it's just by a hair, you just dropped yourself in status with that group (especially if they ignored or disregarded you on whatever it was you were doing). That's why having a nonverbal disability is such a killer in the relationship world, it always starts with the superficials, whether or not you 'look' confident, whether or not you 'come off' like someone that the next person would want to know, and that's almost all nonverbal for the most part.

Personally, I've always been attracted to "cute, fragile, non-virile", androgynous men.

At least around here you'd probably be one in 1000.

I very strongly disagree that desperation is a turn-off to guys. When a girl acts desperate around me (happened only once or twice), my interest in her skyrockets exponentially, as opposed to the interest in a non-desperate girl. My friends think I'm crazy to think this way, but accept it to a certain extent.

Does anyone else here feel the same way?

That might work if he live in Melrose Place. but for me I don’t and most of the time I don’t show any woman any interest, I just do don’t think about it much until late it does not help at all. The girl I am going to meet is going to be a stranger, on the street or in a nightclub. If I show no interest, I will get nowhere.

Thanks for your comments so far.

I'm willing to discuss my 'desparation' (face it, it is that nowadays, isn't it?) on here, and with friends who I know I wouldn't have a chance with anyway. I have to be open about my state of mind to get any meaningful advice. It's almost certain that I haven't yet met my future 'significant other', and I just hope my reputation doesn't preceed me.

So actively searching isn't right? I can still act in a manner that maximises the probabilities. Wonder how that might be done? Go to gigs where the band has a predominantly female fanbase? (I'm OK with HIM and The Cure, if that counts). Ask my friends to keep introducing me to people I don't know? Gothicpersonals.com? Ask friends who are obviously hits with the ladies for advice (and maybe introductions to people)? If I don't outwardly look, can I at least work things behind the scenes to give myself a chance? Or would that also be too obvious?

LOL *bangs the gong*

I'm going to restate what I wrote because it seems you guys didn't read it properly (no offense, I just want to make it clear)

You have to ACT like you're not desperate or needy. Girls can sense it and it's generally a turn-off.

One piece of advice (I hope I don't get flamed for this) is to jack off before you go out where you know you will be meeting women. Might help decrease the sexual desperation. Just a suggestion.

If you ARE desperate, work on either camouflaging it some way, by changing your body language, eye contact or wear sunglasses or something. Or work on not being desperate. Plan on going out to have fun, not just to meet a girl.

About places to meet women?
1. Produce dept. of grocery store
2. In line anywhere
3. Bookstores/coffeeshops
4. Bars - especially nicer ones
5. Library

Anywhere out in public. If you see an attractive woman, take a moment to quench your desperation, put on your cool face, and go say hi. Women usually like that.

By the way, my BF and I met on match.com