Connecting with women

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Getting a girl or woman to fall in love with you is one thing. Really connecting with them is another. After going over the past relationships and friendships I've had with women, I came to realise that my (lesbian) best friend is pretty much the only woman I've ever really connected with at a spiritual, intellectual and emotional level. Even with the ex-girlfriends I've had it seems we connected only marginally which is probably the reason for our breakup after some time. As I get older I find myself even further alienate from women, regardless of their level of education., their social background or other criteria. Do note, however, that I have far less problems connecting with men (especially intellectual men). Being a straight male, this bothers me a lot.

Does this sound familiar to any of you?

i have a couple very close lesbian friends.

Hardly any of the female peers in my life were people who I could consider as friends. Before I became interested in girls I mainly regarded them as strange and unfamiliar. After I became interested in girls, as far as I can tell most potential friendships with women were held back by sexual tension. Speculatively, I imagine most of that is of my own making; I either became interested in them, or I became edgier with them after considering the possibility (however unlikely) that they were interested in me.

Have you come to any conclusion why that is, and why you feel you have that connection with her in particular? I'd be curious to know...

But to answer your question, no.... I've felt deep connections with my best guy friends, girlfriends, and "let's just be friends" girlfriends.
Unfortunately, that depth connection has not been a complete impediment from drifting away from them, or ending a relationship with them. Really, I feel that deep emotional connections can exist independent of love, and sex. I don't feel any one of those 3 elements require the other.

...But perhaps all 3 are whats necessary for a successful marriage.

Sounds like my husband (and me as well, altough it was obviously men in my case LOL) before we met. Seems we needed to find another with our similar quirks in tune to find that. For me, I got along with men as friends OK but in romantic situations (really CLOSE ones) it wasn't really happening. As for women (as friends) forget it. I have hardly any friends and hardly any are women.

I think for anyone the key is to find someone who is just enough like you in important ways to click, but just diiferent enough to keep you interested (I get bored way easy).

JM2C though

Falling in love, if it works out, does eventually yield the kind of deep emotional, intellectual, and sexual connection you're talking about. The deeper connections comes after the euphoria of infatuation with time, trust, and openness.

Maybe it's because there's less sexual tension (even though we've been intimate once about 10 years ago when she still dated men and I've had a crush on her about three times). Or maybe it's because her thought processes are more similar to those of men than to those of other women. I've wondered about that a lot, but I can't really say for certain what it is that makes her different.

In my case, it was always the other way around. Once the euphoria of infatuation ended on my exes' side, we just drifted apart.

I recall you mentioning this earlier....do you think you've chosen partners who aren't completely capable of having a truly emotionally intimate connection? I don't know...romantic love does fade, and hopefully you'll discover a budding friendship when it does. The tending and growth of that friendship is really what tends to keep the relationship alive between bouts of lust.

As to @Sound's point about a deep emotional connection between two people not being enough - yes. Without effort, even deep emotional connections weaken over time. Often their strength ebbs and flows depending on the level of contact between the people involved, but a deep emotional connection is really just a starting point. I also agree that deep emotional connections can exist independent of attraction/sex, although it seems like an absence of love in the presence of a deep emotional connection could actually be a very scary situation. As far as having a successful marriage, I guess I'd add a fourth requirement to love, sex, and the deep emotional connection: friendship. You really have to genuinely like each other for a marriage to work.

Well, in my case my ex-girlfriends ended up having just feelings of friendship for me, making sexual intercouse uncomforable for them which inevitably destroyed our relationship. In a relationship, friendship is pointless when the physical/emotional attraction is no longer there.



Friendship is the easiest part. In fact, the ex before my latest ex (whom I've been with for 6 years) remains a friend of mine to this day. We just lacked the chemistry needed to maintain the relationship.

True that.



That's interesting. For me, it's always been the opposite - the chemistry is almost always the last part of the relationship to fade. It's very weird to still want someone that you don't truly care for any longer....but maybe that's just the result of some kind of psychological conditioning? I don't seem to choose men who end up truly liking me, like a good friend would. I always seem to pick the guys who are only interested in screwing me, controlling me, or changing me. Hmmmm.

I always seem to end up with women who use me to improve their own self-esteem. Once I make them feel secure enough about themselves, they seek for greener pastures or decide they don't need a man at all...

I guess both men and women have the tendency to abuse the other sex... they just do it in a different fashion.

Hey OP, no intent to male-bash on my part, okay? Women are equal opportunity heart-breakers. (All of 'em except me.)

Have you ever asked them if you could watch them make out? That would be so hot.

I think you're on to part of it, personally.

Although it's just a bit of conjecture, for the past say 5 years, I've had a little ethos when it comes to dating and getting to know someone.
"You don't really know your partner until after you've had sex with them."
It's very coarse, and it doesn't give room for situations like you've just described, by it's wording. But in reality, the spirit behind that idea is the same as what you just laid out: Sexual tension can get in the way of some things.

Most men subtly (or profoundly) change themselves in order to get sex. The do it without even realizing it. It's super subtle, but it's there. After sex is out of the way, their purpose for flexing to meet the goal is no longer there like it used to be - that particular need is met. Like holding your breath, you finally exhale and start breathing again after sex has been pushed out of the way. Or a mask that can finally be taken off as the man relaxes, lets down his guard, stops focusing on the goal he's had all that time(whether he acknowledges it or not).

I'm not saying it's a good thing, and I'm not saying it's sensible. But, so far as I've seen, it's usually the case. There's only one kind of straight guy I've met who doesn't fit the bill: Men who get down with a bunch of different women, or are otherwise highly pursued. They have no basis for 'casual' sexual tension unless it purposefully built or otherwise strongly imposed. Basically, sex isn't a big deal anymore because they feel secure in their ability to get, satisfactorily.

Incidentally, that mindset and feeling of sexual security comes off like a heightened degree of honesty when they interact with women, and is a huge part of what draws women to them.

Heh, but unfortunately, down here with the rest of us mortals, it's a bit of a 'Catch-22' to try and get to that level of unconscious honesty...

Women are likely a little different, but I imagine they feel many of the same pressures, and similarly put on certain acts, which ease down after sex.

It was hot 20 years ago, maybe 10 years ago. Now it's become so commonplace, it's not hot anymore; it's just annoying.