Risks of AS/AS relationships. Someone reassure me.

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I have AS minus obsession, I dated an Aspie with an obsession a couple years ago and it was really hard to deal with. I've met an AS guy on the same level as me, and we are inseparable. We wish we could be together, but we believe there are more risks than benefits. The understanding is great, but, first, and most importantly, we don't want to risk passing our AS genes to our children. Expecially if it turns into more severe autism. It's ok to BE aspie, but bringing a child into this world, possibly setting them up for a very hard life, its just too risky. Second, an NT could keep an Aspie safe and sane; help them cope. My Dad has AS and my Mom is NT, and she is all that keeps us from falling apart. But she is emotionally drained. She feels no love from my dad. I don't want to inflict myself on an NT, but I don't want to inflict my AS on my future children. What do I do?

adopt?

Totally hypothetical if you want children:

Adopt the child of a pregnant cheerleader.
OR
Artificially inseminate in vitro the genetic traits you believe will thrive in the future.

I think my own advice is foolish, but you judge it.

i do plan to adopt a child, but i want the experience of carrying my own child. And if they haven't figured out exactly which genes are AS genes, there's no use trying for genetic selection, and i don't think they have found it yet. Besides, an AS kid isn't so bad, I can deal with that, and relate to that. But what if AS plus AS equals low-functioning autism? I don't like those odds. My issue is, is a relationship with an Aspie worth the risk, and is an NT relationship worth the difficulty?

I think to not date someone because you might get married in, say, 3-5 years, and might have kids in another 1-5 years, is really, really looking down the line. The most important thing is if you get along well together and of course eventually fall in love each other.

You could date 20 NT guys and not get along with any of them, or 20 AS guys and not get along with any of them. It is really about finding the one individual who shares similar interests, who you feel comfortable with, and whom you get along with on a day-to-day basis.

There are always artificial ways to conceive, and/or adoption, and who knows what the future of medicine will bring.

Whatever happens, happens, yes, but i can and should give it some direction. My friend and I are really happy together, and want to date, but the thing that brings us together is what's keeping us apart. Should he and I go for it, or should we both look for NT partners? Aspies in relationships, plz weigh in!

Why don't you wait for a while.....

Unless you both are emotionally and financially prepared. There's a lot...a lot of responsibility that comes when bringing a child into the world. Trust me, if hadn't been for my sister having kids so young, I wouldn't know. Just by having to watch her children and seeing what's come out of it; a divorce, financial struggle and the loss of one child, I'd probably want one myself.

Albeit, I don't know you very well so I'm not suggesting that you wouldn't make a great mom but there's more to a child than just genetics and AS. If it were me though, I think I'd adopt. I really never understood this need to have children biologically except maybe to see who they'd turn out to look like in the family. Other than that, so many kids in this world already without homes.

we're in college, i'm just a freshman. We just aren't sure if a relationship is something we should eventually pursue?

There are pros and cons. The relationship, as you noticed, works great if you've met someone with AS who's similar in the right ways. The genetic issue I don't know about, as in there are statistical risks but if you were to say have three kids - one or two could just as well be NT. On one hand you have higher risk but at the same time, with the coping skills that you and a sensible aspie guy would have put together over your lifetimes, you may be able to impart enough wisdom with your kids and even more so teach them how to think in ways and on levels of participation that your parents never would have been able to give you, in that sense that may still be very functional.

You definitely know him better than we do, even more than those of us who have been in relationships with men with AS. The AS shouldn't be enough of a factor in and of itself to be an issue, more how the disorder and its traits manifest themselves in his behaviour.

As for having children, I think the phrase "you'll cross that bridge when you get there" comes to mind. Has there even been much significant ground broken on how genetic background could be a cause of AS? All I've heard is that there is a correlation between having a close relative with AS and having AS.

At any rate, AS runs in my family, gone straight down the line from my paternal grandmother to my dad to me. I just need someone to tell me how their AS/AS or AS/NT relationship is or was.

Why should that change your view of your prospective boyfriend? It's not the basis of a persuasive case to either start or not start dating him.

argh! He's perfect in every other way, but I wanna know if anyone else had problems with an AS/AS relationship or an AS/NT.

Edit: will be afk for awhile, continue to comment.

I had problems in my last two relationships. The first one was too lazy. He didn't want to work, he wanted more of a mom than a girlfriend. He wanted to spend his money on himself, he complained a lot about everything and anything he didn't like was "ret*d." He even thought the gas prices were "ret*d" because he didn't like to pay for the gas and he even thought it was "ret*d" to pay to live and "ret*d" to pay to eat. Plus he joked a lot and he knew I took things literal but he still wouldn't stop teasing. Plus he didn't respect my opinions and point of views so he argue with me and not shut up till I agreed. I always had to scream to shut him up or pretend I agreed. He didn't have AS but he had traits.

My other ex also had AS but he was very ignorant and judgmental. He had a prejudice mind and kept calling gays fagots. He also wouldn't listen when I correct his ignorant thoughts. Plus he acted like I was ret*d because of my childish interests. Plus he felt he had to tell his son everything between us. Like did his son have to know I thought hotdog and bun meant the actual hotdog and bun, not sex? Plus he was a big hypocrite and had excuses like why it was okay for him to watch immature TV shows but mine were not okay. Mine were more for kids under ten while his were for pre teens and teens. Plus he acted immature but yet he didn't like my immaturity because mine was "too childish" while his was more teens. He was just stupid and couldn't be educated.


My current husband accepts everything about me. He doesn't want to change anything about me and we hardly argue. He understands me most o the times. He has lot of aspie traits. Sometimes he will act irrational and silly and sometimes he will dig in his heels and our arguments aren't good.

I don't think AS/AS or AS/NT should make any difference at all.

I ended up with an NT, but seeking an NT wasn't a conscious decision because I didn't know anything about AS at the time to even judge whether I had it or not. We have two wonderful children who so far show no signs of AS or autism, although our oldest child is only 2. He and his sister both seem well-adjusted to social situations, though, and they have to deal with constant change. They are extremely physical and close to us, a bit shy every time they are in a new, strange place, but ordinarily make out just fine. I do some volunteer work every few weeks and I bring my whole family with me; everyone seems to manage OK.

I think some of the more unpleasant things my wife has to put up from me can be frustrating, but overall we communicate well and family life runs smoothly--all things considered, remember we have a 2-year old!

As an Aspie, I've always been afraid of small children. I never held a baby before I held my own, and I'm still skittish around other people's kids. But the little punks--I mean, the precious darlings--grow on ya after a while.

It's entirely possible that having children with another Aspie can increase the odds of having an Aspie or Autie child. And while that can be a pain, I say it's a risk you should take. Despite what Autism Speaks might have you believe, there's nothing wrong with us. With careful time and attention, an affected child can be expected to cope reasonably well with the rest of the world. Sure, I have my issues, like the inability to hold a normal job. On the other hand, I'm reminded almost daily how valuable I am to my community. Part of the joy of working one-on-one with little kids is finding little people who are all unique: Some who fit in with their classmates, and some who don't. It's like I'm half piano teacher, half counselor. Don't worry so much about the children you want but don't even know yet. Just be a good and loving parent to whatever monster, uh, I mean, ANGEL you are blessed to have!

I'm pretty sure my kids are both NT. I'll never hold that against them.

I think it's looking around corners - I don't think its a good idea passing up an opportunity to be with someone you like because of the risks of having an autistic child.

You child with an NT could be born with downs syndrome. It really is the luck of the draw with some things.