Flirting boundaries

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In this thread one provides examples of either:

1. Attempts of men to flirt with you that were OK/not OK (especially if you're a woman), and explanations for why they were OK/not OK.
2. Attempts of people (especially men, possibly but not necessarily you if you're a man) to flirt with women that were OK/not OK, people you refer to were men), and explanations for why they were OK/not OK.

The purpose is to have a good approximate feeling of what reasonable boundaries would be with women one does not know very well in a social setting, and alternatively with women one is on speaking terms with in a friendly setting.

It's all really one huge double standard.

If a guy I'm not interested tries to flirt with me it will be annoying at the least and uncomfortable at the worst, and I won't like it, but not if it's someone I am interested in.

Differs for different people, some aren't comfortable with any touching or people, I don't mind, I just don't like people standing too close.

You'd be better off trying to find how how to tell if someone isn't interested, which someone summed up very well in another thread.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBVuAGFcGKY[/youtube]

I know that it's more likely than not the other party just won't be interested from the beginning, but I'm asking about what sort of flirting or advances are acceptable and what would be a turn-off.

But surely not all advances are within the realm of acceptability for a man just because the woman in question has not ruled out the possibility of dating him.

In a way, nothing is out of bounds. It's very dependent on the situation, setting, frame, and follow-up of the person doing the flirting. Real complex. The boundaries are incredibly vague, it's an utter minefield.

There are some good guidelines out there though, I guess.

If you pay attention to how your actions factor into the process of making/allowing the person to feel comfortable with you, then that will help. Feeling uncomfortable is much of what prompts a recipient to shoot a flirting person down, while feeling comfortable is what generally prompts the recipient to allow it to progress.

Consider that women (as I understand it?) have a highly keen wariness for the potential stalker/rapist, and for good reason. That first link is a good read, btw - controversial but good.

It's a hypersensitivity that guards against, frankly, the vast majority of ways a guy could approach a woman. So basically, you cannot effectively flirt with a lot of women unless she feels okay enough to bring that wariness down. That said, it's not an off/on sort of thing, I don't think. So while she at one point she may be more receptive, it still doesn't quite mean you can say anything. So, taking the above Saturday Night Live skit as an example, the difference between the two guys wasn't entirely their first-impression attractiveness, it was also because the less attractive guy could not lower the woman's wariness(not necessarily because of his looks, but possibly).
I know, it's just a stupid skit, but I'm simply trying to make a convenient, if imperfect, illustration.

So, anyways, at the moment I can't think of something specific, but perhaps it's at least a useful perspective to have on how or when you can avoid crashing. From this perspective, the focus is not on what you say, but how you are perceived, if/when that perception changes, and what range of options exist at a given point.

But, ladies, please correct me if I'm wrong on any of this.

The boundaries are as flexible as jello and you will never realize where they are.

Sorry.

That's life

Vanilla_Slice

I will give examples only of men I was not interested in. That's to keep it a little more objective so that I don't skew the examples into it looking like anything is ok if I'm interested and nothing is ok if I'm not.

OK: a man in a store showed interest in a CD I was buying. He liked that band too. This band was going to be at an outdoor concert in the near future at (...). Was there any chance he would see me there?
No. There was no chance. However, had I been interested, that was a very good way to ask for a semi-date: non-commital, didn't require me sharing my address or phone number, building on shared interest. I didn't feel at all put out and it was just fine. A woman who was interested would say "yes, maybe I'll see you there. I'm going with some friends. Maybe we can meet up."

Not OK: a man said I had sexy thighs. It made me uncomfortable. I sat down and tucked my legs under a table. He said something to the effect that I shouldn't try to hide them like that because really, they were sexy, no need to hide them.
Ewww Ewww and Ewww again. Even if I had been interested at first that interest would have evaporated instantly after that icky come-on.

Well a few weeks back, I was going for a walk on my break at work, and I was approached by a guy who asked if I had a boyfriend (i'm a 23 year old female, by the way). I told him I did and he asked if I was sure, which I giggled and told him "yes". He then asked me if I would give him a hug since he made the effort to come talk to me. I was reluctent, but decided to give him a "one arm, half hug" to which he put his arms around my waist and pulled me close to him. That was a little "out of bounds". The guy seemed harmless and I wasn't threatened by him at all, but it was just kinda unappropriate, I guess you could say. Getting a little too familiar with a stranger.

So I guess I would say a guy (or girl) flirting in a way that I would say was inappropriate would be asking things that are too personal or making physical contact too soon. I have to admit, I was flattered and it made me smile because it was such an odd encounter, but I was definitely uncomfortable having a strangers arms around my waist.

Janissy, I agree with you. Even if there is mutual interest, there should still be boundaries, at least in the beginning or "flirting" stage. Overly sexual is a big no-no. While flirting is supposed to be fun and playful, and a means to get to know eachother, there has to be a level of respect for the other person's boundaries. Basically, if you are questioning whether something you want to say or do is inappropriate, you should probably hold off on that for the time being.