It's not me it's her HA!

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Hey guy's I dont know how long you have been here or whether you even remember me or not but a while ago I made quite a few sad posts saying that my relationship with my current (and first) girlfreind was not going so well, for years i wondered why we where not as close as others that where dating at the time and though the only reason of this is because I was doing somthing wrong. e.g not hugging, kissing ect.

But a while ago i started thinking "hey i HAVE been showing her attention and i HAVE been kissing and hugging her the only reason that i feel so different is that SHE isn't doing any of this stuff back!"

It's true though that i have spent many a night very upset and wondering what my girlfreind is feeling about me not kissing her and stuff well instead of moaning about it (for too long anyway) i started to kiss and hug her more and more frequently and now the situation appears to be that it's just me that does all this stuff and honestly now that i think back she has NEVER once kissed me it's always had to be me to initiate all of this stuff with her i mean yeah i struggle at this stuff but a little input from her would have made a HUGE difference and made it so much more easy for me.

I used to think it's me having AS and all just missing the signs that she is putting out and now that i think about it [i]there where never any signs int he first place!![/i] so how was i to know what she was thinking.


But yes that is the current situation im in at the present time so what can i do? I have talked to her about this i have told her that "we need to be more close with each other" and she agree's but im not going to do all the work while she just sits there!

Now let me just check somthing a realtionship can only work if the two people work together right? So if all the work is left down to me to even hug for frigs sake! then how is this relationship going to work out??

If you havent read my other posts me and my GF have been together for 4 years now and really have been best freinds through it all i mean we havent even (im not sure what they call it near you) French kiss? snog? smooch? i dunno' but 4 years down the line and no intamacy! ( i dont mean sex god no!) it's starting to wear away my love for her (i cant beleive i just said that)

But i find it ironic how [i]Im[/i] the aspie and [i]Im[/i] the one who is trying to get a reaction out of my GF im pretty sure its meant to be the other way around

But really i find it sad how im being as "frendly" with her as i can and im gettin no response just a smile after i kiss her i need at least a kiss back? a hug maybe? SOMTHING!! !

The only time i know she loves me is when we are online and she says she loves me but am i being greedy for wanting my own girlfreind to hug me once in a while instead of me having to hug her?

And YES we are girlfreind and boyfreind we are she knows it i know it.

She also seems to have been really intimate with her other boyfreinds aswell but not me!? what the hell and she's been with me the longest! and says im the best boyfreind she's ever had!? this makes no sense! and it's driving me crazy to keep going over the same puzzle over and over again!

I haven't seen your other post Mouldy. I'm kind of new here but I was sort of in a similar situation years ago with a girl online. I wanted intimacy that she was not providing. Could the issue be that she thinks of you more as a friend instead of a boy-friend It sounds like there's not much romance either in the relationship at least on her part. Maybe she's not attracted to you in a romantic way

The answer is probably shes just not that into you sadly, I know it sucks, we've all been there though.

I've been on both ends, My first boyfriend I was like with because I really wasn't that into him. Another time s guy did it to me as he wasn't into me. Most recent guy I was really into and couldn't keep my hands off him.

take one for the team.
The fact that she's still with you says something doesn't it?
& maybe she was more physically intimate with her exes because she wasn't as comfortable with them & thought that's what they expected. If she's more comfortable with you (and especially since you say you guys have been best friends), maybe she doesn't feel as pressured to try as hard. You said you've told her, "we need to be more close with each other," but did you actually tell her exactly what you meant by that? there's a couple different kinds of "closeness". Maybe she didn't know you meant specifically physical. & besides all that, relationships between different sets of people just vary. & at different times in a person's life they will also vary. Maybe at the time in her life when she was with those other guys she wasn't feeling as secure and did things the way she did because she felt she needed the physical closeness as much as she did for reassurance in the validity in her relationships.

I have an interest in psychology, but i probably actually have little idea what i'm talking about.
but these kind of things sound plausible to me anyways

Sorry, all I'm seeing here is a big honkin' friend zone. She's with you because she enjoys your company (and why not? you're a good guy), but her reluctance to do anything physical with you sets off more red flags than Moscow in the 1980's. Got more questions, though. When you initiated the kisses, did the actual kissing (lip/tongue contact) happen? Or did she turn her head to take it on the cheek. I'm seeing a lot of similarities to Lucas and Maggie from the 1986 movie Lucas (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucas_%28film%29). Hugs are different; girls usually are OK with hugging their platonic male friends, although it'll be vastly different from the way they hug their boyfriends.

If nothing physical happened between you and your "girlfriend" (that term is questionable here, because it doesn't seem like she's attracted to you), then the best course of action is to move on and find a different girl who is attracted to you. You don't have to cut off contact with her, you can keep things friendly (she already thinks of you as a friend), but stop thinking of her in a romantic sense, because it doesn't look like there's any potential.

I've been in a similar situation; not fun. Trying to stop a fellow man from going through the same.

^ He said hes in a relationship with her.

Its not some female friend he wants to start dating.

I know, but still. From the writing in the text, they haven't done anything physical beyond hugging. And dating without intimate (not necessarily sexual) contact is just friendship. After all, I use kissing as a benchmark of attraction. If a girl doesn't want to kiss me by the third date, then I decide she's not attracted to me and move on. (I used to believe those "I need to get to know you more" excuses many years ago, but not anymore.) There's a lot I'm willing to give in a relationship, but in order to do that, I have to be super-sure than the girl is attracted to me. Otherwise I'm giving without getting anything in return. No kiss = no attraction = no go.

no, "dating", even without physical anything is "dating".

I think attraction could develop over time. There's much more to intimacy than physical touching; things like comunication play a big part as well. Relationships change over time. When people 1st start dating; things can be really hot n heavy but after the same couple has been married for 10+ years; things are much less passionate usually. Maybe there's something the OP can do to make things more passionate like being more romantic & tring more communication than simple saying we need to be more intimate. Maybe telling her how much he loves her & cares about her would help with the spark. Tell her cute discussing things that would make everyone else nauseous

off hand shot...

but perhaps she was that way with other boyfriends out of expectations and is just more comfortable being herself with you? perhaps she's closer to asexual?

i dunno.

you say she agrees with you... but have you asked her why she doesn't seem to be reciprocating?

hope you guys can work through this.

gl

The only one with the answer is your girl. You got to sit down with her and ask her about this and let her know it is bothering you.

After being together for almost 4 years, friend or GF, and she still doesn't even want to hug you herself... I don't know. Something doesn't feel right to me about that.
You need to make sure she's not just not agreeing for the sake of agreeing on these things. Ask if she wants to be your girlfriend and let her know you feel she's not fulfilling her part of it. I know you already are, in your view, but you have to get her view.

Take it from me -- the writing is on the wall, she's not a real GF. I ended up in this unfortunate situation as well -- took someone who should have just stayed a friend, made her a GF, and realized that she wanted to do anything with anyone (well, not "anything"), as long as it wasn't me. She also was reluctant to get physical, didn't like kissing in public, didn't like spending that much time with me, etc. It eventually fell apart, and we went our separate, angry ways, both of us with some legitimate beefs against the other.

A real GF will love to kiss you, hug you, etc. -- heck, it will actually become annoying at some point how much she clings to you.

Get some peace of mind -- end this farce, and find a real GF (and by that, I mean meet a lot more people and let things happen organically). Somewhere out there is a girl (or multiple girls) who will be more than glad to return the affection you dish out.

Thanks all for your opinions and advice

Im also confused being that this is my very first girlfreind i have pretty much assumed that this is what a realtionship "is" y'know it's only a year or so ago that bells started going off and i was starting to question what people actually DID when they went out.

I will also say this yeah sure i hug her and everything and yes she stands there but still she says she loves me and wants to stay with me so i dont know what im doing that is so good?

Today i got a answer sortof my freind went up to my GF and questioned her as to why we are not intimate and she says she is making the effort and showing signs and that i should too! (and yes i have AS) but AS or not i know for a fact there are no signs! And i AM making them!! jesus how can i help this situation? if she is thinking all this crap she sure keeps a tight lid on it

Still thanks all for your advice and please comment cuz i need advice and your opinions give me reassurance

Maybe you are not aware of the signs she is giving off. People with AS can be prone to missing very subtle cues so maybe it could be that both you guys are both misinterpreting things Are you spontaneous when you try to be intimate/affectionate with her; like is it something she can see coming or is it like a surprise to her If your very predictable about it; being spontaneous mite would help.

which is why you need to ask her personally...

you are saying she's not hugging/kissing you back? are you misconstruing that?

she may be somewhat reticent to talk about very personal things to other ppl.

but you need to communicate to her the things you feel you are missing...

otherwise, i'm just confused cause you say she says she IS... and yet, you don't feel she is... and that's about all you can expect to discern.

I have asked her personally and she says that is willing to show more affection towards me

but the way she said it was "i'll do it if you want" but it's not if I want it's what she wants and anyways she should want to hug and stuff i mean we are BF and GF after all still friday is a time when we are all going out together so y'know maybe her affectionate side will show then i'll do all i can to help her show it

thanks all for your advice