Tips for aspie guys to get their first date

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Note: I have edited this post from the original based on the suggestions posted below.

There are a lot of young guys on here that have said that they are having trouble finding a girlfriend, getting a date, etc. NT's don't have to think about these things as stuff just happens automatically, but aspie guys frequently have to work very hard at it and some never do succeed. Because of that inequality, I am posting this to hopefully help aspie guys achieve their relationship goals. This is not a rule book, but a list of suggestions to help you be more successful. As usual, your mileage may vary.

One major problem that seems to hurt aspie guys is that they have no idea when a girl is attracted to them. Most girls will not say anything to guys they find attractive and instead will leave it up to the guy to read her mind and make the first move. (huh?) Ok its not really mind reading, but here is how it works. When you are around other people, you need to constantly scan the girls and look for ones that are looking at you. Do this in a covert way. If you catch one looking at you, and she smiles at you, then you have found a hot prospect. Note that she could be 100 feet away from you if you are in a school cafeteria, ball field, church or restaurant so don't ignore the ones that are more than a few feet away. In any case, you need to go up to her and introduce yourself at the earliest possible time and assert your confidence.

Confidence is a major attraction for women. Don't confuse confidence with cockiness. Women do tend to be attracted to confident guys. When you talk to a woman that has been flirting with you, do you talk to her like you have something she wants or like she has something you want? Confidence improvement is not something I am going to cover here in detail, but just know that the right kind of confidence perceived by a woman in a man can trump everything said here.

I have heard women claim that a male's physical appearance is not that important. While it clearly isn't the only factor, it is still very important. For example, one study I saw had two guys, one hot, the other very plain, talking to women in a controlled setting separately. The women did not know what was going on. Both guys used almost exactly the same rude language and behavior towards the women. On average, the women complained about the plain guy's 'attitude problem' far more than the hot guy who did and said the same things. As such, physical appearance is very important to an aspie and will help offset perceived 'attitude problems'.

I have been studying female attractions for years now. Physical appearance is extremely important. My observations say that the physical attraction breakdown goes something like this:

40% Face
20% Body Language
15% Hair style
15% Physique
10% Clothes

Its pretty obvious that a guy's face is his most important physical attribute. This also includes his facial profile which is often overlooked. Unfortunately, its also the most difficult to improve short of surgery. Guys can improve their facial appearance by avoiding things that detract from their looks. Facial hair and piercings should be considered very carefully. A nose ring would be great if you are trying to attract a cow, but it doesn't seem to work that great for humans. Facial hair is usually bad, but in some cases it can be used to cover a flaw.

Body language is where a lot of aspie guys fall short. Eye contact and smiles are probably the most important body language that a guy can have when it comes to attracting girls. When a girl flirts with a guy and he doesn't look directly into her eyes when she speaks, she interprets that to mean that he finds her unattractive or that he is unavailable or otherwise uninterested. Guys that smile nice seem to do a lot better than guys that don't. Teeth are important, but not as much as one would think. As long as a guy isn't missing any front ones, he's probably just fine. When talking to girls, aspie guys should make a conscious effort to smile a lot and look into their eyes as much as possible when you are talking to each other. Some practice in the mirror may be helpful to avoid tensing up, over-smiling and looking stupid.

Body odor and bad breath will cause you significant trouble when trying to talk to women. For most guys, this is probably the easiest detractor to get rid of. A little cologne is good, but is not a substitute for good hygiene.

For younger guys, hair style is often overlooked. What kind of hair style are the hot guys wearing? Would that look good on you? Unless you have a perfect head shape and profile, a shaved head is not the best option. Longish hair that parts in the middle with good styling is optimal. If nothing looks good on you, then a buzz cut is OK in a pinch. Hair straighteners and colorings are also an option. Don't be afraid to ask some girl (or gay guy) you meet at the store for advice (that means another customer and not a sales clerk).

Weird hair styles like mohawks, spikes and blue coloring are generally not the best. They will cause girls to look at you, but not necessarily in a positive way. But then that also depends on the type of girl you are trying to attract. The bottom line is that a guy with an attractive hair style is going to do better with the girls than a guy with messy hair.

A guy's physique is also very important. Working out at the gym and having well toned muscles is optimal, but simply not being fat is also good. If you are fat, consider diets, exercise and maybe surgery depending on how bad off you are. Having too many muscles is really overkill and can work against you. Too much muscle can make you look fat with your clothes on. So a toned physique with well defined muscles is where you want to be. It simply doesn't matter if you can bench press 500 lbs. What matters is that you look good.

I should point out that guys that work out and become well toned before age 18 will have an easier time keeping their physique than guys that started after age 18. This is because working out at a younger age builds more muscle cells and working out after 18 builds bigger muscle cells. Muscles cells that become swollen due to constant workouts can very easily become small again when the workouts cease. So if you are reading this and you are under 18, now is the time to start working out regardless of your reasons for doing so.

Also, if possible, try to get a tan if you are white. A good tan tends to give guys an extra edge. I live in Florida so tanning is simply a matter of walking outside, but in some areas, a tanning bed may be necessary. Some skin types have a problem tanning. There are artificial tanning products, but with these you run the risk of unknowingly looking fake. Also, an overdone tan can actually work against you and may also have health risks.

If you already have a good body, do whatever is necessary to keep it that way. Avoid high carb meals and sugar soda as much as possible and try to stay physically active. If you find yourself developing love handles or belly fat, take action to get it back down. That is, more exercise and less carbs and fat. Even after you get married, you are still an aspie and can't afford to give your significant other another reason to dump you.

Clothes are the easiest thing to fix, but not so easy to pick out. Its best to have someone go with you that will give you a non-biased opinion when buying new clothes. You can also watch what guys are wearing on TV. Those guys have professionals to pick their clothes out and are constantly on top of all the latest fashion trends. Something similar may also look good on you as well.

Great looking clothes can cover up not so great looking bodies. Its important because very few people have perfect bodies. But if you do have a good looking body, try to wear clothes that accentuate your positive physical attributes. Things like stretch shirts and short sleeves help show off your good physique. Muscle shirts tend to make a guy look trashy even if he is well toned, so avoid those if possible. Maybe go shirtless when outdoors playing sports or working in the yard. When I say shirtless, I mean bare chested and not wearing one of those silly undershirts. Undershirts should never be worn unless you are trying to hide something.

When it comes to clothes, the bottom line is that you should always dress appropriately for the occasion, don't hesitate to seek advice from others that are more knowledgeable, and always dress in a way that maximizes your appearance. Also, you should NEVER ignore someone who says you aren't dressed properly. Especially an NT because you have to be pretty bad off before they will say anything.

Now after having said all that, the one thing that trumps a guy's looks is his money. Girls want a guy that can take care of them and guys with money can always do that. If you are unemployed, you are going to have a harder time finding a girlfriend regardless of your looks. Some guys do lie about such things, but eventually they do get caught.

I have seen actual psychological studies whereby girls were handed a stack of photos of guys to rate from 0 to 10. Expectedly, they rated the hot guys as 9's and 10's and the ugly guys as 0's and 1's. But when they added captions with fake incomes, the guy's looks were ignored. Consequently, the hot guys with captions that said "Grease Monkey - $15K/yr" got rated low and the ugly guys with captions that said "Neurosurgeon - $500K/yr" were rated high. So if you are physically unattractive, all is not lost if you can manage to make, and keep, a lot of money. This is a good reason to have a college education.

An anomaly is the current US recession and the divorce rate. Despite the fact that overall personal finances are down, women are electing to stay with their now poorer husbands. Researchers claim that this is due to the fact that women find it harder to do better with other men and also the high cost of a bitter divorce. It has long been known that a leading cause of divorce has been arguments over money, but what is now known is that the killer arguments are not about the lack of money, but rather about how to spend money they already have.

BUT the attraction of a girl to a guy is just the first part of it. So basically, your looks will get you the first date, but its your personality that will get you the second. A lot of aspie guys have a problem here so its always best to get the girl to talk about herself as much as possible. Telling her that you are an aspie is like telling her you have the plague, HIV, and regularly hear voices telling you to mutilate cats, so don't mention it until she is serious about you.

Avoid phrases like "Oh, you're wrong about that" and "You have to be really stupid to say something like that". You would think they would be grateful that you were paying attention and caught their error, but no, they aren't like that and tend to count such observances as a mark against you. So if the girl says that she believes the world is flat, just stay silent or if you must, disagree covertly by saying something like, "Are you sure about that?" Of course, if she is really that dumb, YOU might not want the second date.

At the same time, you need to learn to lie to her when appropriate. If she ever asks how she looks, the answer is always "You look awesome" regardless of what you really think. The same thing goes for questions like "How do you like the new car I picked out by myself" and "What do you think of my new dress?"

When it comes to her physical flaws, don't even think about pointing them out. Chances are, she already knows what they are and wont appreciate you reminding her. The exception is temporary abnormalities such as mustard on her cheek or a piece of anchovy stuck to her teeth. Even then, its best to say such things as quietly and with as few words as possible.

Also, when you are eating at a restaurant and sitting in a booth, sit next to her on the same side and not across from her. But as always, if she has a preference for seating arrangements, do what she says regardless.

Lastly, I frequently hear fellow aspies saying things like "The girls just wont give me a chance and go out with me". While this is often very true, what those same guys tend to ignore is that they themselves aren't giving less attractive girls a chance either. I have seen a lot of really hot guys married to not so great looking girls. If girls like that are good enough for them, why aren't they good enough for you? One thing for sure is that a hot girl is more likely to cheat than an ugly girl - simply because she can. So if you are interested in stability, definitely consider the less attractive girls.

Well, that's it for now. I hope this advice will help some guys that are having problems.

Good luck!

Last edited by n4mwd on 25 Jun 2010, 8:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

Good post overall, definitely helpful, etc... I've heard most of this already though, and it's still not working

That's a hella large document! When I went on my first date I just turned up and tried my best, and I went out with that girl for about half a year after that so I must have done something right!

Everything in the original post is excellent, but there are a couple things I'd like to point out and that is HYGIENE!! ! There are many wonderful guys out there that are not being noticed by girls (even if they do all you've said) because of things like:

greasy hair
body odor
green, gunky, seriously disgusting teeth
long dirty fingernails and toenails

I know that sounds perhaps a bit harsh, but seriously, what girl wants to kiss a guy that hasn't brushed his teeth in, oh, never? Or one that smells bad?

Many Aspies/ASD seem to not care about basic hygiene so I'm pointing out that it's important (actually, this works on both sides... girls should make sure of this stuff too). You also have to make it a deliberate habit... it's not natural most likely. I have to harp on my 13 year old... now he does it by himself, but he wasn't before and man... stinky!

There are super easy fixes for this!

~Take a shower every day and wash your hair with shampoo.
~Scrub your body with actual soap and a scrubbie puff (no, you cannot just spray on AXE deodorant and try to hide the stink factor... doesn't work).
~BRUSH YOUR TEETH. To that end, see a dentist.. especially if you look in the mirror and your teeth are covered with crud (ew!).
~And lastly, trim those nails and keep them clean and neat.

So, you can be super wonderful and also follow the advice of the original post... and yet... you miss any of THESE and likely you will not get anywhere. Take my advice

So how do you rate your individual attractiveness (face, hair, physique, etc)? Is there anything you can do to improve any of that if it needs it?

Has an NT ever said anything negative about your looks, clothes, etc? If so, it's probably significant because NT's generally stay quiet about such things. A sure sign you may need to work on something.

Do you hang out in places where there are a lot of single girls? Places like church, school, malls, clubs, etc. And do you regularly scan the room for girls making eye contact? Ignoring opportunity is a big problem for aspies. If you are always at home, girls can't find you.

Sites like OkCupid are great for good looking people, but not so great for others. Women on those sites tend to judge your entire worth as a human being based on looking at your photo for 3 seconds. If you use something like that, use a really good picture of yourself.

Lastly, are you sure you really want a girlfriend? Is it possible that you might be asexual or gay? Not only that, but women tend to be a lot of work. Are you willing to do what is necessary? Is it worth it to you?

There were parts of it that were helpful. A lot of it was about looks, and the looks was just generalizations. For example-I've never been out with a guy wearing a suit That would feel way too formal for me. And the bit about going up to a girl, saying she's beautiful and saying hi...maybe this is just me, but in instances similar to that I feel very uncomfortable. It's much too aggressive of an approach for me.

meh, churches, cant go within a 1000 feet of those places without wanting to start trouble :/

as for facial hair, it really does depend on face shape and such. Some people can pull it off, others can't.

Piercings, it depends on WHAT you want to attract really. It can give a 'bad-boy' vibe if done right which can attract women.

same thing for hair style really. spikes and whatnot can WORK depending on what you WANT to attract. Main thing that comes to mind would be women who are more 'punk' or gothic. It all depends on what YOU WANT to attract really. Hell, some women like a man with messy, but clean hair.

I agree with tans BUT some people actually CANT tan due to health issues and whatnot. For example, I myself cant produce malanin in the skin at all, and cant "coerce" it to be produced. Tanning machines have been a very bad experience for me as well. Artificial spray tans I am allergic to, so I am generally screwed when it comes to looking tanned and s**t. What is funny though is that I wont really burn much unless out on a boat or in the water.

As for your physique stuff. some people cant get below 30 inches because of bone structure (Ive been trying to slim down further myself but cant get below a 31/32 because of my bone structure, and doctors tend to agree that I am in EXTREMELY GOOD health. Its a big reason why I dont support the media at all on what is good looking. And dont forget there is a genetic factor behind weight and stuff. You dont need to be overly toned and muscular but I still agree with the fact you should still have SOME tone. I also agree TOO MUCH muscle just looks terrible.

as for clothes, I partially agree. I agree with what you said about dates for one, but as for looking at what celebrities wear, that is a double-edged sword. Remember, YOU ARE NOT A HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITY. Stuff that would look awesome on them doesnt necessarily mean it would look good on you.

I agree with you DemonAbyss10, I am a size 30/31 and I am in good health. The only place I've ever seen clothes that go below 30 for guys was at American Eagle, and I still think that's a lil skinny. If you're a 36 or a 40 waist, then yes maybe you should think about slimming down. But 30-32 to me seems normal.

Puh-leez.


I have seen girls go head-over-heels stupid for guys who never saw a bottle of shampoo in their lives, guys with BO, bad teeth, a second-hand wardrobe - and BTW, bigot - some of the more interesting girls actually prefer guys with piercings and ink and even ::gasp:: facial hair. There's is no secret formula for dating, except the one that seems to leave young Aspies scratching their heads as if its the mystery of the Sphinx: BE YOURSELF. The reason that seems so difficult and inscrutable is that knowing who you are requires not only analytical insight and maturity, but brutal honesty.

The reason the neurotypical guys seem to have such an effortless time hooking up is not that they possess a magic power, though a natural knack with the social skills certainly helps - what helps even more is they're (most of them) pretty superficial, which is to say not that picky. An Aspergian guy, on the other hand needs someone whom he can relate to - someone who either shares his obsessive interests, or doesn't mind listening to him babble about them because he sounds so smart doing it.

You're not clicking with the girls because the ones you think you want, you have nothing in common with (before you jump to argue with that, remember to apply the analytical insight and brutal honesty). Those girls are going to ignore you as if you're invisible (at least until you have gained a solid confidence, and by then they won't seem so interesting anymore). If we number one out of a hundred and the same holds true for females with AS, then finding someone who's like you may take awhile, and I don't mean you should only date others with AS - I'm saying you'll be happiest with someone who thinks differently than the crowd. And when you find her, I guarantee she won't be impressed by a suit.

+10

i'm a size 30/31 too and frankly, if my waist size was any smaller, i'd prolly be anorexic 'cause i'm already pretty slim. Though perhaps i might just have very slightly wider hips than the average guy?

I have a little bit of belly fat and some love handles still, but I am able to suck that in to make me look anorexic. This was just the way I'm built tho. Average height, and skinny. lol

Well personally I tend to look away and remain completely stoned face, but maybe that's just me. Unless I'm approached and spoken too, then I'll smile to be polite even if I want you to go away.[/quote]




Read the "How not to be creepy" thread before doing this. But most certainly do go say hello. You have nothing to lose.




This is not entirely true and in general is a big misconception that prevents many men from getting a girl. Men listen carefully. The most important thing to a woman in choosing a man is NOT physical appearance. You must understand your assumption otherwise is an incorrect male-centric bias which arises because most men are highly visually oriented. You must understand that women are NOT so highly visually oriented when it comes to choosing mate.

The absolute most important thing is personality for a woman. I'm not saying she's every going to be attracted to you if she finds you butt ugly, but if she would otherwise think you are average looking, your personality can bump you from just a guy she consider half decent but isn't interested in, to sexiest man in the world.

If there is something particularly special to her about your personality, she might even find you attractive even if physically she considers you below average.

Most people don't have personalities that potent though, so in most situations, she does need a small degree of physical attraction to you, and when it comes to physical attraction, face and body language tie and the rest of the list is generally correct.




I disagree with this. Many women find facial hair very attractive and many men look good with it. I think I would avoid a lone mustache or a mustache and sideburns but shortish sideburns can be very attractive as can a well trimmed beard or goatee. If you're a fairly young man you can pull off that stubbled rough look that women find attractive. If you're older it's best to shave stubble though.



This depends on the type of girl you are trying to attract.




But if you did have zits and do have scars from them, don't worry. Most women will over look acne scars. If anything, it will just make you look a little more rugged, which can be good in many occasions. Personally I'd never reject a guy just because he had acne scars.



Not being more than 15lbs overweight does help. I give a limit of 15lbs because a lot of you men will interpret "a few extra pounds" as 30...or 60.

Tone is a plus but average is fine too. As for the tan, this really depends on the girl. I'm not much for the over baked look. In fact, do wear sunscreen because men tend to neglect this and when they are older end up with sun damaged skin which women do generally find unattractive.



Because they either found the girl when they were younger and thinner, or had a very strong personality. A woman can think a man is attractive even if he is 30lbs over weight if he has a personality she finds particularly manly. In fact a lot of women might feel secure with the burly type...burly generally indicates big and a bit rugged looking, and generally engages in some constructive hobby that involves building something. Not big pillbury dougboy who spends all of his time reaching level whatever on WoW.

See, it relates back to personality again. How you act. What you do with your life, etc.



Possibly correct but yes, it is a bad idea.



I don't think girls actually put much weight on arms. But if you are going to take your shirt off, there are three things you must be thinking about. Skin tags, ugly moles, and back/shoulder hair. Women generally find all of these very unattractive.

"But a lot of men have back hair" Yes, and nearly all women have leg and armpit hair. They get rid of it, you can get rid of your back hair. Get skin tags and strange moles removed.




This is NOT TRUE. Kind of. There will always be some gold digging sl#t out there who will date you for your money, just like there is some sleezy guy out there who will date a woman only for her body.

Consider this.
1. Most men aren't rich and are still married.
2. Most women do not marry or date rich men.
3. Most rich men tend to have hot women.

That's right, the rich man who will only date a woman for her body finds the gold digging sl#t who will only date a man for his money. They will be quite happy together because he doesn't care if she spends his money as long as she looks pretty and ignore his infidelity, and she doesn't care if he does run around and cheat as long as she has his money.

Thankfully the most of us are not that shallow and our average people relationships tend to have a good deal more substance.

But consider something. Unless they inherited the money, rich people are rich because they have AMBITIOUS PERSONALITIES.

Women find men who are ambitious attractive, even if that ambition is aimed at something which isn't financially lucrative. She wants to know you try to get what you want in life, because having the drive to get what you want also means having the drive to get what you need, meaning rich or not, you make things work out. That is the crux of it.

Now I'm not going to say money isn't an issue at all. It can be a big in the sense that people do need to eat and such. You should be able to make enough money to at least support yourself.

If she wants a family, you should be able to make enough money to support a family. This is not because she cares much for money but because families cost money to raise. These women who will only consider men who make enough such that they can support a family are not gold diggers and should not be thought of with feelings or hostility or resentment.



Any woman worth your time would actually be turned off by this. Trust me on this. My NT sister and her friends can vouche for it.



Actually none. He had a girlfriend even while Microsoft was a startup company and he was working days on end without sleep trying to get everything going.

Bill Gates is ambitious, and I also have reason to believe he's a fun guy to hang around with regardless of his money. His wife didn't marry him for his money because she already had money.

The rest of your post I generally agree with.

thats what I think too. my hips are fairly wide so even some 32s dont fit. Im pretty slim too which is funny. I just think I have the classic "big-guy/machoman" build. 6'3 and right around 200 lbs, BMI says overwieght, but BMI is a VERY INACCURATE system IMO. The body fat % is more or less what I look at instead. Mine is right around 11% which is very good. Yeah my body structure is meant for piling on muscle, but I just dont care about having large amounts of it. it is just an aesthetic thing I dont care for. Kinda hard for me to do really high impact exercise though because of bad discs in my lower back from sports injuries i never saw a doctor for because even though I had insurance, it refused to cover the surgery and therapy I would have needed.

sadly, i have no love handles to speak of.
possibly the smallest amount of belly fat though, if i really bend over, or maybe that's just skin.

Love handles and belly fat are a bad thing. You should not be sad for not having them. As far as waist size, take it as a generalization that you should try to keep your body fat percentage to minimum healthy levels. If your bone structure means that translates to a size 32, then go with that.

As far as working out at the gym and getting/staying toned, even if you don't believe it will help you find girls, do it for yourself just to be healthy. Even for people that have back problems, many kinds of exercises will strengthen back muscles and make everyday activities easier. There are a few that might be harmful, but the vast majority are probably OK.

As far as physical appearance not being that important, girls may say that it isn't, but it really is. For example, one study I saw had two guys, one hot, the other very plain, talking to women in a controlled setting separately. The women did not know what was going on. Both guys used almost exactly the same rude language and behavior towards the women. On average, the women complained about the plain guy's 'attitude problem' far more than the hot guy who did and said the same things.

So if you are an aspie guy like me, an NT girl can and will pick up on things, make assumptions, which are probably wrong. Being physically attractive helps offset those negative assumptions that she has. I mean, one time I was talking to a girl about going out, things seemed like they were going great, then all of a sudden she starts yelling "So you think I'm a player do you. I'll have you know that I'm not a player and you can just..." To this day, I have never figured out where she got that from. We are still friends, but I have yet to get her to go out with me.

As far as facial hair, piercings, etc, each case is different and you do have to use the right kind of bait for the kind of fish that you are trying to catch. The important thing is to look good and if that means a beard, then so be it.

I think that you should just be comfortable in your own body. I for one like my love handles as they're not large. I also like my girlfriends love handles. Granted there is such thing as too overweight/obese but I nor my girlfriend are there yet...