Dating profile, part 2

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Since nobody seems to have replied to my last post on my old thread about my dating profile because it's more than a month old. I think it seems best to start this new thread altogether. I've finally posted that profile up on OKCupid last night. I would like people to tell me what their opinion is of my profile and if there is anything that needs to be edited. Additionally, there is also one more thing I'd like to ask. The profile thing said that I should message someone to up the profile completion a bit more. However, I haven't found someone yet that I'd specifically like to contact except maybe one person who isn't looking for a relationship according to her profile and hasn't logged on since 21 August. How would I narrow down or determine who would be best to contact?

Here's the link to my profile:

Profile

My opinion is you need a happier picture. You look like a combination of angry and disinterested in that picture. If looking straight at the camera and smiling feels too unnatural, I recommend having a friend take many, many pictures of you while you are doing something you enjoy. One of those pictures is bound to convey a more positive emotion than the one in your photo now.

Yeah, picture. Need a less miserable look.

Also, I found your profile a little dry... I know I'm not your intended target, but I didn't find anything very interesting that drew me in. You gotta zing it up a bit somehow...

I thought it was plenty interesting. More so than the majority of girls profiles I read and that's sad coming from a straight guy.

Does need a smile though.

What else do think I should put in the profile? Do you think that I should fill in other parts of the profile that I haven't? Also, the photo was taken yesterday specifically for this purpose and it's difficult to get me to smile for a photo anyway. I don't show much facial expression in real life anyway, except in specific circumstances.

Thanks. I don't have other photos yet though.

I dunno Jono. The proof is in the pudding; i.e. if you get interest, if you meet someone through your profile...

Pistonhead liked it. *shrug* maybe you need to wait for more opinions. I just think that if I was a woman, I wouldn't be particularly drawn to you through this profile alone. There's no hook; think of it as being like a song.

I think Janissy's advice about the pictures up there is well worth doing ^

If there is anything else in the profile that you can fill out, you should fill it out. How about your political views? That is a lot more important to a potential partner than the fact you like sci-fi. You are advertising yourself mainly as a man that a woman can sit down and have a very deep and interesting conversation with. Since that is your main selling point, you have to sell it a lot harder. You say you are interested in science- so give a one sentence opinion on some hot scientific topics so she can get a feel for your life philosophy and values. You say you are interested in certain books- so give some review opinions on authors you think are wonderful and why and also authors you think are dreadful and why. You mention certain TV shows- give an opinion about them. Did the ending of Lost drive you crazy or did you think it was fitting? Say something about the books, TV shows and movies beyond the mere fact that you have partaken of them.

In short, since you are trying to attract an intellectual, you have to sell yourself as somebody who will have all kinds of wild and interesting things to talk about. "Science- mostly physics" is just not enough. "I think string theory is the most insane yet wonderful nonsense I ever heard" is better. (Not saying to actually put that in. I just made it up as a verbal "hook" that has more zing than 'science-mostly physics'.)She has to envision what things you might actually spend 3 hours at a pub wildly discussing.

As for the picture- you say you don't have much facial expression in real life anyway except for specific circumstances. Ok, so make those circumstances happen and have a friend there to take at least 30 photos. One will be better than what you have now. Do you look more animated when discussing your research? (Just a guess). Start discussing it with friend A while friend B photographs. You are selling yourself as someone that an intellectual woman could have a 2 hour discussion with and never get bored so you have to look engaged, not disinterested. The way to achieve that in a photo is to actually be engaged in whatever it is that qualifies as the specific circumstances and this will come across in a photo ,but can't take just one, any pro photographer will tell you that the chosen photo is chosen from among dozens if not hundreds that get taken and discarded.

One thing that struck me is that little of what you wrote describes how you would act in a relationship. You mention a lot of your personal interests, and you would presumably be able to engage someone through them, but you don't quite say how. For instance, do you like to comment on the films you have seen? Do you enjoy the idea of quietly watching the films with someone?

I think (though I have never used a dating site in my life) that it would help a potential lover to get a sense of how you would spend time together.

Off-topic, though, as far as working in academia is concerned, you seriously need a good back-up plan in case you fail to get tenure. Something with applications in industry will be particularly useful. I don't say this from experience, though, as I am just about to start a PhD myself; I have simply read a number of very relevant statistics and stories (PM me if you would like links).

Ok, I'll try to add some more information to the profile and then I'll post again to find out what you think. Are you sure that I should fill in all the fields in my profile? Some of them seem optional. I need some time to get more photos though because some other photographs I've got of myself from the Summer School I've recently been to aren't too great either.

How do you think I should put those things? I'm not exactly sure how I would act in a relationship because I haven't been in one before. If the other person is interested in what I'm talking about I could talk quite a lot, probably as much as they would let me. Of course, I don't want it to turn into a monologue, which I've done before. It would be best if we both could talk about the topic.



I'm not sure. There is some pressure in the sense that South Africa is one of the few countries that actually gives ratings to it's scientists. However, I'm likely going to be working in more than one area of research which I think will increase my chances. The trouble with alternatives is that my finding a career path that would work for me is as much luck as it is hard work. It just so happened that I had talents in areas where my social deficits and idiosyncrasies are more socially acceptable, so to speak, if I had to pursue that kind of career. If it wasn't for that, then it's possible that I would be like one of many other Aspies who live at home and can't find a job. Additionally, over here there are many people who would refuse to hire someone simply because they have Asperger's and I think that would happen to me if I applied for a job in industry.

So to summarise: I don't think alternative careers to the academic one that I'm pursuing now is really an option. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

have you got any pm or any reply yet?

Not yet, but that's not surprising since I signed up on Sunday anyway. The profile versions I posted in my old thread were just drafts written on a document on my personal computer and only signed up on Sunday because I was away at a Summer School for about a month. I seem to gotten my first visits though. I think it makes more sense for me to fix up the details of my profile first before looking for someone to PM to start a conversation and then see how it goes from there. I can't expect to find someone within the first 2 days of registering on a dating site.

Fill in all the fields that are relevent to your life, even if they are optional. What the heck...fill in the fields that aren't relevent to your life too. This is also information. For instance if it asks for your favorite sport and you don't have one you could write, "does fielding questions in a lecture hall count as a sport?" or something whimsical like that. Whimsical and humerous replies are eye-catching. So are strong opinions. That's why I advised you to put in opinions about shows/movies/books (did you love the ending of Lost? Hate it?) You need something that is eye catching.

As to the photos, I think you really need to set up a photo session with a friend. Don't just go with whatever happens to be lying around the house. If your photo is miserable looking (and you look frankly unhappy in that photo) women won't even read the profile. I advise engaging in one of your special interests while a friend takes photos. This will give a photo that shows you looking engaged. Being an engaging conversation partner is your selling point so you can't afford to look disinterested in the photo (as your current one does- a terrible combination of unhappy and disinterested).

1) Smile! Smile in your pic! And include more pictures in various poses.

2) Remove the academic creds. Just say went to college or attending college. That's a dating profile, not a CV. I understand you are proud of your accomplishments. But a profile is no place to list a PhD. Instead when you go out on a date, steer the topic toward your studies and then bring in a PhD for a kill.

3) Your profile's sole purpose is to get you one (1) date with a compatible woman. A woman will not fall in love and be yours forever based on what she reads in your profile. It will all come down to chemistry on your date(s). So keep the info in the profile to a minimum. Simple and interesting! You can talk about the rest on your date.

4) Talk about what kind of a person you are, not just your interests. For example: are you more spontaneous or more of a planner/list maker? More logical/rational or more spiritual/religious? Attached to your family or more independent? You've touched upon this with a "have friends, prefer to be alone" line. You need a little more of the same... something to describe your personality.

5) As for your interests, be general. Just say you like SciFi! No need to list the shows, and certainly there's no need to have one paragraph for SciFi TV and second for SciFi movies! A girl of your dreams may love SciFi but hate BSG and so she won't e-mail you even though the two of you would be perfect together.

Like I said, keep the profile short and to the point. Less is more. The magic happens on the phone or on the first date. The profile is there to intrigue a woman enough to reply to your first message, or to compel her to initiate contact with you. The rest is up to you.

Good luck!

the best advice i ever saw was in quirkology: the curious science of everyday lives (richard wiseman):

a singles advert should have approximately 70% of the words dedicated to speaking of oneself, and 30% of the words dedicated to describing the target person.

using this type of strategy, you used 184 words in the 'My Self-Summary' 'My favourite books, movies, music and food' sections

you used 90 words in the 'I'm looking for' and 'You should message me if' sections

therefore, you spoke about yourself 67% of the time, and your potential mate 33% of the time. considering that some of the final section was sort of about you as well, which could slightly change this percentage, that is a bang-up job!

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i like your picture a lot, but since i presume you only have the choice of including a single snap, i should also tell you that a photo of you doing something you enjoy or posing with an animal will lead to a higher success rate, as opposed to a portrait-style picture. the lack of a smile will not hurt your chances, statistically.

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as an aside for any women reading... the same study study showed that both men and men were remarkably good at spotting good online profiles that men had written to attract women.

men were also good at spotting good online profiles that women had written to attract men. however, women did not have much of a clue when it came to spotting good online profiles of this type. women did not know what kind of profile would attract the most men. the conclusion was that women should have a man's help when writing these kinds of advertisements... interesting, no?