So I had an epiphany earlier yesterday....

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As some of you have noticed, I was beating myself up on not being in an relationship or ever having a girlfriend. Well, after talking to a few people online including several that have met me in person and had the chance to see me as well my interactions in the real world and I was able to draw to this:
a) I'm actually a smart, outgoing person that doesn't look all that bad - I come off as aloof but I'm also not that shy
b) One person actually said he thinks I might have been a subject to a few already
and the most damning and enlightening thing is
c) there was actually a girl who showed interest in me but either I didn't show interest in her or I was oblivious to hers!

So I'm been having trouble with body language all this time! Now, at the risk of opening up a can of worms is body language something an aspie can work on to a point where I can read it - not perfectly like an NT or not really due to how our brains work?

I wouldn't take sugar-coating talk for granted.....

They are not always true.

I think yea, some say nay. I guess it depends. Why not invest in a wee book and find out, or there's lots of websites devoted to the subject. Or if you like videos, there's a plethora of them on the youtube. Here's a very short one;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhU5QZPdZ70

Practice wouldn't hurt. Look for social skills groups in your area, especially if one is oriented towards people with AS.

Also, don't make the inference that if you can read everyone's body language, you'll begin a long-term relationship with the woman of your dreams within a few months.

very true!

I'm a strict learn by doing kind of guy. I'm going to talk to a professional about this. I can't learn by watching or reading - I need to play with it, explore it, and I want feedback.

First of all, forget what Boo said...if Boo were any more jaded, he'd be for sale in a Shanghai gift shop.

Ok, so you've *learned* that you're smart, outgoing, you 'don't look all that bad,' you're not actually all that shy, and that your biggest problem is that you can't always tell when a girl's interested in you.

The solution here is simple, my friend -- assume that EVERY girl who strikes your fancy is interested in you, too. Period. If you can't be sure if she is or isn't, just proceed to charm her as if she's totally diggin' it until she makes it perfectly clear that she's not interested. Yeah, it'll lead to rejection from time to time -- but at least you have a legitimate excuse for not being able to have "saved face" by bailing at the first little sign that she's not interested.. Right? I mean...you couldn't have known you were about to get rejected if you get rejected, so screw it! Who cares!? Move on to the next one and know that, more often than not, you WON'T be rejected.

If you do that...if you approach every girl you find interesting feeling 100% sure that she's also interested in you, you're going to be COVERED UP with women in no time flat. Seriously. The dirty little secret of dating is that most any guy can get most any girl and vice-versa, provided neither is just HIDEOUSLY UNATTRACTIVE. Reason being, most people -- MOST PEOPLE -- are too chickensh*t to get out there and approach one another. Confidence and charm are the keys to the kingdom, my friend, and you've got NO REASON at this point to believe you shouldn't be confident in your ability to win a woman's heart.

No reasons means no excuses...now, get out there and start hitting on some women!

interesting advice so far in this thread. seems like there is definitely stuff that can be gleaned here.

Zing. Good one.

Sounds like you want a 'hands on' course type thing... I think most of those are aimed at the PUA crowd, but you might find one a bit more neutral.

For how much? =p

It was just a cautious advice, sugar-coated compliments shouldn't be taken at face value.




nthach , did any of your friends point to anything wrong you were doing or to any negative trait you have?

and what are the proofs for point c?

I look like I'm emotionally detached or I just don't care - hence the aloofness. I guess it's a natural aspie defense mechanism for social situations.

As for point c, I was at a little gathering with a few other aspies and one of them noticed a girl was showing interest in me because of two things - my higher functioning and the fact I have a few NT friends. And I just looked uninterested or I overlooked her.

Best offer.



You're making two HUGE assumptions here, neither of which are justifiable based on the actual words in the original post..

Your first assumption is that he was given are "sugar-coated" compliments.. Other than being jaded and *always* choosing to see things in the most negative of all possible ways, what reason do you have to believe anyone "sugar-coated" anything? Personally, I see no actual evidence that anything was sugar-coated. In fact, the wording sounded pretty humble to me...

Your second assumption is that the OP came to this conclusion by having been complimented, which doesn't seem to be the case to begin with. If you read carefully, what you'll see is that the OP drew the conclusions on his own, after talking with friends. Sounds to me like his conclusions are the product of objective self-analysis.....not flattery.



I take this to mean that you believe it's necessary for the OP to have been given negative feedback along with the positive, in order to prove that the positive feedback was genuine.

If so....dude....conduct a little pathology on that, for yourself. Really think about it.. Doesn't it seem to you that making a rule to dismiss any positive feedback which isn't counteracted by negative feedback could be a recipe for NEVER feeling *good* about yourself? Isn't it obvious that living your life that way would only ever lead to a neutral self-image, at best?

We *should* feel positively about ourselves, Boo...it's really OK for us to like who we are.

I am so INTJ/ISTJ ...my J is so high ....damn me.




Well , there should be some balancing in the thread!! ...you always look to see things positively , then I should do the opposite!


The druid principal!! balance is good

besides, nothing is worse than being driven by false hopes ...in case they 're false of course (maybe they aren't!, just personal complex here)




ok ok fine...I withdraw.....

I'm willing to bet that option c happens a lot more to guys here than they realize. Sad to say, even NT guys have a hard time with this one. Yeah, brace up on the body language books, because women speak a very subtle language that is hard to decipher. Without some clue, it can be really hard going.

but the thing is....

did nthach really liked the girl in question ? or is he just regretting for not asking this girl out after finding out that she was used to like him?