Dealing with a meltdown in a long-term relationship

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Nevermind.

Last edited by Gigglesqueak on 20 Apr 2011, 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's not a simple meldown, that's outright abuse. Directing it AT you crosses the line into abuse. AS or not
you have no business taking that from him. Neurological impairment isn't a license to treat people like emotional
punching bags. .

Hey,

Not sure I can really help as I am in exactly the same situation so thought I would post to give you support. I have been with my AS bf for around 6 years and we often argue over the smallest thing which sets him off into a meltdown. It usually relates to very small arguments and when he thinks I'm calling him stupid or something.

He often shouts, calls me names, insults me and says very hurful things. He then leaves for a period or goes into another room to calm down. I am learning to just give him time to calm down.

However, it is incredibly difficult for me not to be come emotional in these situations and his hurtful comments really effect me. I am trying not to show it though and try to get out of the argument as soon as possible as I know that a few hours later I wont even know what the argument will be about as it will be about the smallest thing and miscommunication.

Hope my support helps you and if someone else can provide more help I'd also be very grateful.

odd

Last edited by Gigglesqueak on 20 Apr 2011, 4:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

but.

Last edited by Gigglesqueak on 20 Apr 2011, 4:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hey again....

I completely agree - all I want after one of these arguments is for him to say he loves me and to give me a hug. I know he will never be able to do this and you are right just to leave him alone until it all passes.

I'm sure when tomorrow comes he will have completely forgotten about it and you wont even be able to remember what it was all about.

Its so hard when these fights happen as I get emotional and need enotional support and the more I need it the more it brings emotion into the argument the more it spins out of control.

No one will ever understand our relationship and how much I have to go through because I love him. I just really wish he could somehow put himself in my shoes and understand how these flare ups effect me. We have spoken about it and he tries to control things but it is difficult for him especially if I lose my patience/control and become emotional.

From the aspie side of the fence, thank you very much for this thread. Sometimes you think you've considered all the possible interpretations and then there's this other one you hadn't realised was there, and of course that's the one the other person picks. Then the frustration hits, aggravating the situation. I'm not trying to justify what he did; if anything this kind of misinterpretation can go both ways, but sometimes threads like this are needed to illustrate just how much we can hurt others in turn when we ourselves are confused and hurt. So thank you. I hope when he wakes up he is able to comfort you, and reassure you that he does love you and always will. Additionally, I hope that he will be able to work on it and make arguments less stressful in the future.

Just from my own experience though: sometimes when you are emotionally overloaded the worst thing anybody can do is follow you when you are trying to run away. I've never been pushed to the point of meltdown, but I got pretty close in my previous job as a ride attendant at a theme park when I was working on a ride alone. Sometimes I would make a mistake on a busy day with batching or whatever, and I would end up with a) guilt for my error, b) an angry member of the public whom I have to face sooner or later, and c) a long queue of people getting increasingly restless while watching me, and all of this would happen at the same time. On those occasions I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide from the rest of the world until I had calmed down. At the same time I knew that I couldn't calm down properly until the situation was resolved, which meant taking a 30 second breather, talking to the angry guest, and biting my tongue to stop myself from saying all the things they deserved to hear, even if it hurt them. Sometimes it took me all afternoon before I was back to normal inside.

Thank you again. I don't know how to comfort you or make you feel less lonely, so instead I will send you some hugs via this post.

<hug> <hug> <hug>

Thanks for the insight from the aspie side of the fence....would be great to hear more from aspies about these situations and how us NTs can try to avoid setting them off without feeling we are scared to say anything....

You're welcome. I'm hoping HopeGrows will post soon. She usually has something thought-provoking to say about these sorts of things.

Other than on the matter of breaking things, your fiance and I are virtually identical ... and I definitely recognize (after observing my wife for many years) how strong, patient, and loving you must be to be with someone like him or me. It has been quite a while since I have had a screaming meltdown, but you have described all of that almost perfectly. I do not think the "just walk away for now (until everyone cools down)" plan would work very well with me, so do not fall into believing you have discovered any kind of "magic bullet" there. For me, being ignored or "abandoned (again)" can easily just make things worse.

Let your actions reveal to him your trustworthiness as someone who is not a threat to him ... and you will go far.

I don't have much time now so I'll try to return to this thread later but I wanted to drop a line any way. Both of you are being abused and there's no possible excuse for that. Your partners need professional help in dealing with their anger and yes, that's possible for people with AS. I suspect you might also use some help and support in dealing with what you've been through. It saddens me to see such things excused as being part of autism and to hear you think you should put up and adapt to tolerate abusive behaviour.

I'll try to write more later as I realise things are not so simple as they might sound from my post - I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and many of us understand what you're going through and don't think you deserve such treatment.

ned.

Last edited by Gigglesqueak on 20 Apr 2011, 4:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm very familiar with meltdowns - especially overload and in my case shut-downs. Personally I don't believe violence is excusable because it was "provoked".

It's your life and decision and none of my business, I apologise if my concern angered you.

troll.

Last edited by Gigglesqueak on 20 Apr 2011, 4:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

if.

Last edited by Gigglesqueak on 20 Apr 2011, 4:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

maybe you are not ready to hear the opposing perspective, but that doesn't mean Sallamandrina is wrong.

you said this:


you introduced the word abuse, so i think that you do understand on a certain level that your partner is behaving in an abusive manner.

it'sup to you if you want to stay in a situation like that, but certainly you must know that many people would be sad for you, or worried, or they may want to reach out to help you.

we are largely aspies and auties on here, for the most part. and we know other aspies and auties in real life. and not many people would think that the behaviour you have described is acceptable in any way for an adult in a romantic relationship, autism or not. there is a big difference between having a meltdown and directing this kind of behaviour towards other people (i.e. if your partner said, "i get so damn frustrated, life is a b***h", it is different from, "you piss me off and dammit you are a b***h.")

i can't advise you as to what is best for you to do, because all of my advice would only be applicable if your were listening to your own words and seeing the situation as you have presented it to us here.

good luck, and i hope you understand that people here truly want to help you, even if the advice isn't what you want to hear.