How do you bounce back from "cheating"?

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I am not sure how to start. I do not even feel comfortable putting this out there but have no idea how to deal with this on my own. It isn't something I can go to friends or family about.

I have been with my fiancee for 5 1/2 years. She has always been kind and understanding. She is everything an aspie can hope for in a mate. Last week she had to work an odd schedule and a friend/coworker gave her rides to work. She told me monday that she kissed him one of those nights but they had discussed it and agreed to never let it happen again. She apologized, etc. I would not call it cheating with a capital C, but it was cheating nonetheless. This coworker is engaged as well. His fiancee does not know and it is certainly not my place to tell her.

I feel partially responsible. This has been a terrible few months and my moods have been very erratic. Even so, she never gave any indication of problems. She has assured me this was a one time thing and has agreed that the friendship with both him and his fiance should go on hold while we work this out. She seems happy with this during the day, and every night around 8 completely melts down, lashing out at me. I am not provoking it. Tonight we were simply watching tv.

I think she may be having issues aside from the kiss and the situation it has put us in. Work has been very stressful for her. What I do not know is how to help her or our situation. The erratic behavior is becoming very confusing and making it difficult for me to keep my emotions level.

Any insight will be appreciated. I love her very much and do not want to see us fall into that large percentage of failed aspie/nt relationships. It is also extremely painful to see her fall into a cycle of self-loathing. Other things happened but this is the core. I will answer any questions I can without causing potential problems for the man she kissed.

I don't think you should try dealing with it on your own. I think she needs to get some counseling, and you should strongly consider premarital counseling together as well. My greatest concern is not the kiss itself, but the emotional affair that likely led up to it. She's got to figure out why, in her stress, she chose to turn to another man for comfort. She's got to work out her guilt, and repair the problems that led to this series of bad choices. She shouldn't be taking her frustration, anger, guilt, whatever it is, out on you. She's a grown woman and she did what she did - she needs to fix it.

I suspect you two need to work on your ability to communicate with each other: good communication is the foundation of mutual support (if you can't talk to each other openly and honestly, you can't be there for each other when needed). I agree that the "friendship" with the other man/couple should be put on hold for the time being, meaning no rides to work, no time together outside of work that doesn't involve all four of you. They need to keep their relationship strictly professional. I hope this helps. Good luck.

That part seems more serious. And it seems like you have a pretty good grasp on the situation, not cheating with a capital C but cheating none the less. I will try and think of something that may help.

In general, I think you might want to take a medium step and a medium chance. Fight for the relationship. Not all at once, but a medium step.

Remember, the good parts, maybe tell her about that. And say to her, if need be, I'm who I am. And please try and ease away from blaming yourself for the last couple of months.

I can kind of really focus in on one special person. Many NTs need a variety of people (that of course doesn't mean it needs to be an emotional affair).

How about just a plan for the two of you to get connected with a new social group in your area? And light-touching it and realizing the first group may not work out and it may take a while (I'm thinking of arts groups, political groups, sports groups, etc, maybe taking a class together and trying to be the nucleus and catalyst for a study group, doesn't always work out, sometimes people are just loaded with other classes, activities, etc)

Now, per preference for amount of social interaction, she might be more involved than you, but it would remain both of your's group.

'Remember when we [small, fun light activity; impromptu adventure]? What if different but in similar vein . . . '

Thank you so much for your quick reply. This was a very perceptive one, as well. I left out a few details to try to protect his privacy but realize that they are relevant, and it is not only his problem. We are currently apart due to jobs (we watch tv together online) but I am moving there in two weeks. She has been hanging out with them without my knowledge. Her version of the story is that he hugged her because she was upset and then they both "went for it". It was brief, meant nothing, etc. Well, when she texted him that they could not hang out his reply was that he was only trying to comfort her. Is this something that I am missing because I am an aspie? It seems very inappropriate to me.

The other thing is, I had to go to the hospital friday night. I am fine now, but was definitely not then. She called me, we spoke, everything was fine. When I called a few hours later to update her there was no answer. I found out that she had gone to their house because she was upset. They asked if she wanted to sleep with them in their bed. She says nothing happened, and I believe her because his fiancee was there, but was three days after the kiss. This is also confusing and odd to me but she says it is no big deal. I am 35 and feel like I have the emotional understanding of being 12. I don't know what to make of it, what to say, anything.

Last edited by asparaguseye on 22 Apr 2011, 1:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

This is very good advice. It is hard for me to accept that she did this on her own. It is so completely out of character. The relationship is definitely worth fighting for, in my opinion, but how do I make her want to fight for it as well?

This and your post below are very accurate. The same is true for me. I have to remind myself that sometimes other people actually like being in the company of others. Of course, that should not include making out with them, in my opinion.

Finding a new social group is a good suggestion. My interests are limited but I am willing to try new things for her.

I have been through much more extensive cheating that what you described...I was cheated on (capital C) and lied to extensively....there is a point past which one does not bounce back...but everyone's circumstances are different.

Lemme see:

A) There may be more to it than has been confessed so far. It's common for revelations of cheating to come out in bursts over time. They throw out just enough to throw off suspicion or alleviate their guilt, and then clam up and pretend everything is well. You probably should keep your radar on for a few weeks/months and ask a few more questions about it. A second confession might also not be the full story, etc. It's a very tricky tightrope because either way, they'll get angry if you bring it up too often.

B) Have a frank talk about her emotions toward him. If she has any then more draconian measures might be needed (quitting the job, etc). Whatever the case, you want zero contact between them for some time. I don't think this situation is a relationship killer as long as you really know the full story. You need to talk to her about the why and puzzle it out with her in a rational way.

yes, agreed. i am very suspicious about her story. in my experience, most grown-ups don't pile into a bed in a big cuddle-puddle like that under normal circumstances, without there being other activities involved.

in other circumstances, have you ever accused her of lying about anything? because it sounds like she knows you to be quite trusting and she expects you to take her story at face value.

my biggest concern here is regarding the hospital stay and not the kiss, actually. the kiss is one symptom of a bigger issue, but the hospital stay is like an alarm bell. she was worried about you, but wasn't available for contact when you needed it, and instead found her own comfort in other people. that is not a great sign here. at the very least, i would be sitting atop my phone in distress waiting for an update if my fiance was in hospital.

the cheating doesn't seem to be the actual issue - you can eventually isolate her from that man she kissed, and maybe she will never cheat again. but from the sounds of it she is withdrawing in other ways - pulling away from your emotional needs, picking arguments, and intentionally putting herself into tempting situations (and also possibly lying). taken as part of a bigger picture, it sounds like larger troubles are afoot that she has not openly communicated yet.

sorry to be blunt, but i would not move ahead with further plans with her until i had some assurance that she is actually ready to commit to you and is going to stop trying to sabotage what you have already established. therapy might be the way to go if you want to try to fix this. as you are not living together (if i understood correctly) you can do therapy as a conference on Skype with some counsellors.

I have been cheated on before but it didnt bother me I just didnt care about her really and I have cheated before to its not like we where married most of the time I treat dating as a game

go to hell

Personally, I don't think I've ever really "bounced" back from being cheated on. Even though I had another relationship after it happened, I was constantly questioning when he was going to leave/cheat/abuse etc. Now that the relationship was over, the one I'm still lamenting over was that initial cheat. I've had three relationships, two ended due to cheating. So basically I've become jaded and wary of all the men around me.

Yeah, guys like Joker make me sick. If you're going to cheat, don't be in a relationship. Is it really that hard? :/