Questions for aspie men/ men with aspie traits.

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I am sort of seeing someone. I am unsure what you you would term our relationship status but semi-boyfriend seems to fit. He is more then a friend and not a traditional boyfriend. Anyway we are taking it slow and i am happy with this because i don't want more at this point in time and want things to evolve slowly if they do.

Anyway I have a friend who also knows him. And we were discussing this the other day. Anyway i was asked some questions that made me stumped because i never thought of them and it has been confusing me since. This person said some of the things he does would show disinterest in me and i never thought of it that way. Now i am paranoid.

I am bad at reading anyone even at the best of times and i take the super logical view of everything but apparently there are all these codes and games and things that people do that mean different things . Like if a guy doesn't stop and see you when he is driving home from work and has to go past your house, it means he isn't interested. I would have just thought that the man was tired. Or if you don't phone each other daily it just means there is nothing important to say.

What do Aspie men like in relationships? How do you show interest/ disinterest? Are you also super logical or do you play these (dating) games?

Hmm.

Have you only just started to worry after your friend pointed these things out?

Although other people's opinions can be helpful and insightful...if you have only started worrying because of their thoughts, then perhaps there could be nothing wrong. (Unless you have other reasons to believe it is true.) So perhaps you can rest your mind at ease a little if nothing has been wrong til now.

From my own experience, other people compare relationships often - to their own, ones they know of, or even stereotypes or a set standard as to how relationships should go. I'm not sure if your friend is doing this or not. A lot of the time I feel like this is wrong and that people go at their own pace, and do things very differently and their own way. Not every couple is the same. But again I'm not sure if this is what your friend was thinking when they were suggesting he was showing signs of disinterest.

As you have said, you are taking things slow - I'm assuming this is a mutual decision and best for the both of you?
But - if he is aware that you want to take things slow - then perhaps he isn't calling everyday so that you don't feel pressured or rushed and so there is enough space for you both to take things a step at a time.
Also, everyday life can be rather uneventful - perhaps he would have little to say if he called everyday.

Another thing is - from my own expereince, people have their own requirements for personal time and space - perhaps he just needs a little more than most? It's a possibility.

If you are happy with the way things are going with him, then perhaps you just need some reassurance of some sort from him.

It is nice when people make an effort to say hello etc, especially when you like them a lot. But everyone has their own limits for these things - some people love doing huge things whereas others are happy to show they care by just sending a text asking how you are a few times a week.

If perhaps now you are starting to feel like he doesn't make much effort as you'd like - maybe you should try and talk to him about this and arrange something.
Making efforts like calling and catching-up is also a mutual thing. If you feel like you'd like to start talking with him more often - then perhaps you should ask him how he feels about that, and if he thinks that's ok, maybe you should call him more often yourself and see how he responds.

There is a little chance that he may be disinterested - but waving when driving past and calling can be very small things that can be over-analysed too. So my advice would be to try and ask him if he is happy with how things are going.
You can't force anyone to make more of an effort for small things either, but if you show more interest in doing so, then perhaps he could respond positively to that.

My own AS partner doesn't make much of these small efforts unless he really feels he wants to (enough for any discomfort to not bother him.), and also likes his own time and space completely away from other people. Not everyone is the same - but I'd imagine with AS he might not show typical signs of interest and might like more of his own time and space perhaps.
If you do talk to him about this, perhaps you should ask him if he is comfortable with things so far? Maybe you just need some reassuransce as although he may not show it in a typical way - he probably still likes you a lot and has his own way of showing and dealing with these feelings.

I hope that all makes sense and is somehow helpful in some way... ^^; I don't claim to know everything and its all just my own thoughts...

Good grief, no. I can't imagine why this person would want to mess with your mind by telling you that there are universal rules. I don't think any two people could agree on a set of rules and codes.

Not sure if I can be a big help due to my own personal problems with relationships, but I do have a couple of observations.

Personally I do try to play games if I think that's what I am "supposed" to do, or I think it will improve my chances of success. I practice, I do it terribly and this often results in terrible misunderstandings and consequences which are the opposite of what Intended.

Also, most of my behavior is focused on me rather than her. For example, if I drove by her house without stopping it would probably be because: I felt like I couldn't be entertaining enough, my clothes weren't right, she didn't want to see me anyway, etc etc etc - just about anything besides not wanting to see her.

I don't know if he has as abysmally low self-esteem as I do, but what I described is one possible interpretation of his behavior. I hope this helps.

Also he doesn't literally drive past my house. it was just an example. LOL

Sorry for the confusion. I was trying to use non specific examples of game playing that my friend used.

I don't really do those dating games thou I think I'm different than most Aspie guys when in a relationship; think of me as an Aspie with kinda codependent characteristics. I'm majorly obsessed, don't like being away from my partner much at all. I communicate a lot; send lots of messages/text even when I cant think of anything to talk about. I'm also pretty direct & open about my feelings towards her after I feel comfortable. I think what your friend is talking about OP is the perspective of an NT girl with relationships. I think guys in general are a little more logical & straightforward about things & less likely to think about or notice all those subtle signals you are mentioning. I think your friend is over-analyzing things & looking for hidden meanings when they may not be any like NT girls tend to do to AS guys

I probably can't speak for all Aspie men; we aren't all the same, but one of our traits is that we are very, sometimes, brutally honest. If this guy of yours has AS, then ask him how he feels toward you. You should get an honest answer, so be prepared to hear bad news. If not, then I have another theory. Again, I can't speak for all Aspie men because we are diverse even among ourselves, but I know that when I fall for a girl (which is a rare occurence) I make sure she knows it, because I'm honest. We are generally very direct, so I will go out of my way to make my feelings know, such as buy flowers, chocolates, write really long romantic letters; hey, I'm old-fashioned, so that's the way I do it. If he is NOT doing these things, then it is highly likely that he is NOT into you. Even if he was, would you want him to be so detached from you and make you feel like this? Or would you rather have someone who sincerely enjoyed your presence? Once again, I cannot claim to speak for all AS males, but I just thought I'd offer my own insight.

Don't worry. It seems like you have what you want. If your comfortable with the relationship so far don't let someone invent issues based on what they "think" they know. Always take outside views with a grain of salt. That's all I have to say. I know its best stay out of other peoples relationships unless there is concern for someone's safety.

One thing that could be happening is, at least this is something I did, I was going through something in my life, and there was a girl I very much like/love (hell if I know if I love her or not, what is love anyway?) but I figured, logically, I'd be too much of a burden on her, and she had a boyfriend, too. So I had the feelings for her, deep inside or whatever, but intellectually, I thought it would never work, so I'd talk to her, and try my best to think of her as a friend, all the while never telling her my feelings toward her, which led to us pretty much not even being friends anymore, as how can you have a friend you're constantly dishonest toward? I'd vent to her about stuff, she never vented to me actually, but eventually we got into a huge argument, and after we talked very little.

Eventually, during when I talked to her/was on better terms with her, she got engaged to her boyfriend. I intellectualized he was better for her than me, and tried to keep it out of my mind, but the feelings still bothered me immensely. So many times, I wondered if telling her was what God wanted me to do. One time, for example, I just had a strong urge to invite her to the Asian market with me, but put it off, tried calling all my other friends, but they didn't answer. So I went alone like usual, then took completely unnecessary stops and routes just making it longer. As soon as I pull into the Asian market, she's driving out of it. What the hell. That was the most clearcut one, but I had other incidents happen similar, where I could have got to known her better, that I just felt like I needed to do, but declined, one time I got into a traffic jam after intellectualizing that there was another person in the car with me who needed to get home, and I shouldn't give her a ride.

Anyway, I finally conclude I couldn't emotionally handle going to her wedding, and then my friend, who conincidentally told me not to tell her in the early stages, concluded I should now. I figured if I didn't tell her, I'd be crying at her wedding, saying "I object!" and driving home exceedingly...full of emotion...at 75mph through 25mph backroads. So I prayed, while crying I think, "God, if you want me to tell her, make it idiotproof" I don't know, but something to that effect, exact word idiotproof, so the next morning, she texts me asking if I'm going to the wedding, and yeah. I had a dream maybe a month before of her crying outside of the church, hope that's not a sign also, I think based on past track record, it probably is.

Anyway, what's my point with my story? He might feel wholly inadequate for you, and is trying to distance himself for your sake. I feel like I sabotaged myself with that girl, for those reasons. So he may be doing the same sort of thing, now that you're becoming more intimate. He feels deeply for you, and figures what he's doing is for the best longterm, as to him logically it is, but he can't take his own or your feelings into account. Later he'll regret it deeply, as one of the biggest regrets of his life.

So, the way to solve this is just ask him if this is what he's doing, and if yes, affirm to him you love him, etc. You might need to probe/interogate a little, you can ask casually, and you might get the truth, but it might involve him reaching a rock bottom with his own feelings. You might be the one who has to initiate the relationship turning serious.

There is also the chance nothing is wrong, which I hope.

I guess I'm done projecting myself onto your boyfriend, haha.

It's a long time since I did any dating, when I did, there wasn't even a name for AS and I certainly did not know I had AS. For myself, I did not play dating games. I was a very logical thinker and reasoned everything through. I believed everybody thought like me. I have never naturally picked up what other people are feeling, unless told.

In your driving past example. I would probably have drove past unless we had arranged something in advance in fear of upsetting your routine, even if I really wanted to see you. It would not have crossed my mind that you may have wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see you.

As stated earlier, just ask and tell him how you feel. If your AS friend is into you, he will be absolutely thrilled and will reciprocate. If he is not into you and he is like me, he is likely to be honest. At least you will know where you stand.

If you are AS and he is AS and your friend is NT, chances are pretty good that what you've been told is not applicable. I agree, ask him up front. He will probably be surprised by the question, mostly because he would not have thought about asking you a similar question. But his response is likely to be fairly direct and informative.

Just talk about it.
And if you two are comfort with how things are going then keep it at that agreeable pace.
Despite what the popular media tries to push their is no single recipe for relationship success.
People are unique and that is how their connections should be.