Who else is unsure if they want kids?

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I guess I'm not necessarily looking for help figuring out my quandary, since it's very much a personal decision, but am interested in hearing people's views and feeling like I'm not alone in this.

I'm really not sure if I want kids at some point; all I know for sure is that I don't want them today. I was born to two teen parents, so I know the effects it can have on a child when a parent is unprepared to raise a child or doesn't actually want to be a parent. It's not a small decision or a commitment you can get out of, so I don't take it lightly.

At 28, I'd still feel like I have plenty of time to figure this out, except that many guys in my age group seem to feel very strongly one way or the other. About a year and a half ago, I wound up not getting back together with a guy I pretty much considered the love of my life because he very resolutely wanted kids and hoped to have them within a few years' time. I just couldn't say for sure I'd want the same once the time rolled around, so I couldn't commit to a long-term relationship. Now I'm seeing someone who absolutely does not want kids and I'm wondering if I could commit to a future where I know having them isn't an option. I realize I probably sound like a whiny flake, but I'm feeling like I just can't win here ...

I'm the same way - I'm not 100% in the mindset of "I will never have kids!" but at the same time, I'm not sure that I want to have any. It would be via adoption if I did, though. I think ultimately if I have a long-term significant other who feels really strongly one way or the other, I'd go with it.

I think 28 is still pretty young and you definitely have time to not worry about having kids for awhile, but I can see where you'd be concerned about resolutely committing to someone who will never want kids if it's something you think you might want in the future.

No, 28 isn't much young, you should make up your mind already about this subject especially if you are on the 'dating market' and seeking for a long-term relationship.

I disagree, 28 is still plenty young. (I had no problems whatsoever conceiving at 35 and 37. I think the modern media is often overblown in their reporting.) If you are ambivalent, even a little bit, don't have children. It's not a mistake you can fix.

i said to someone before that i wasn't sure i could ever be in a relationship with them because they didn't want children ever, and they thought this was really weird and acted like i was some baby-crazed nutjob. i don't really get involved with people much but when i do i get very attached and i don't see the point of doing that when you know 100% something doesnt have a shot at a longterm future.... basically going into something when you know damn well that at some point it will have to end and probably cause emotional hurt all round. either that or one of you ends up with a future you never wanted. i'm pretty glad i'm not the only one who doesn't see the point committing in such circumstances.
i dunno, maybe if you're undecided you need someone who is undecided too, and you could evetually decide together?

No, not plenty young.

She didn't find a partner yet, you know? By the time she finds a proper partner, she may be 29, 32 or even 35...depending on her luck.


It's time for her to know what she really wants.

I'm nearly 40, so the range for which having a kid is possible is slowly but surely closing. For me it's not so much, do I want kids, but that since there's nobody to have them with, I'm not really concerned with whether I want them or not because reality has imposed a particular set of circumstances on me.

I mean sure I *could* go get knocked up by a one night stand if I *really* wanted to (and assuming it results in pregnancy, which isn't guaranteed), but I'd never do that to a kid on purpose. (And I don't even have anybody in mind in terms of one night stands either lol).

So, circumstantially, as long as I remain single, I'll be in the "doesn't matter whether I want kids or not, they ain't happening" camp. Though the chances of any man considering me a suitable mate (and potential mother to his children to boot) is extremely low, as I consider that perhaps the reason I've never been approached is my "weirdness" screens me out in terms of suitability. And the longer this goes, the less likely I'll want to be a parent because I don't want to be 90 years old when my hypothetical kid is nearing 40.

If indeed I am entirely unsuitable and fate deals me a solo mid for life, I'll just have to run out the (biological) clock.

I definitely, absolutely, positively do not want kids.

I'm open to the possibility but I feel that I would only be willing to if we were really secure financially. I have certain reasons why I am unsure if it would be a good idea though, due to my own health and life expectancy. We'll see I suppose.

hell for me, the whole idea of finding a guy, getting married, and having kids sort of elicits a "Awww, do I HAAAAAAAVE to?" response from me. But then it occurred to me. I DON'T have to!

I have never had a desire to be a parent. There is nothing about it I consider desirable.

I don't think pregnancy is appealing.
I don't think taking care of a baby is appealing.
I don't think taking care of, living with and raising a small child is appealing.
I don't think taking care of, living with and raising a teenager is appealing.
I don't think visiting a young adult as her/his mother is appealing.

This is not considered normal by some and when I was a child my self it was considered a phase that I would get over.
As I grow older I come across people how seams to think wanting a child was obligatory for a young woman and that something was wrong with me or that I hated children. If I don't do the exact life choice they want in other aspects they where fine with it, but with this one was some kind of heresy.
An argument that I heard many times is that I one day will change my mind and be sorry if I can't get pregnant because of age, and therefore should have a child when I can even thou I don't want too. I have found this somewhat horrible that these people seriously suggest that the creation and childhood of a human being (not to mention a lifelong responsibility after that) is something you should initiate "just in case".

When defending my self from people who seams to think reproduction is obligatory I found it helpful to list things against having a child, like above. Often they can't even say why they themselves want a child in a structured manner (which only means that they haven't thought about it that way, many are still quite young). Often they resort to listing things not connected to the decision ("But then you can't buy toy's! You will never get to play again." "Why do I need a kid to buy toys? I can buy toys whenever I want to, and play with them for that matter.").

My advice (who might or might not suit you) is to think about what it is you want when you think about having kids, do the thinking not done by the person with the "toy-argument". Do you look forward to something in particular or something in general? Or do you find that you don't like any part of it?

Thank you for posting this, what you've written is perfectly in sync with my own feelings on the subject; it's rare that I run across anyone who understands any of this.

When I was a kid, I thought it was mandatory for people to grow up and reproduce. I remember my Mom saying "You''ll understand when you have kids of your own." Not IF, but WHEN.

It was years later before I realized I actually had a choice in the matter.

I find that most women simply are not interested in a guy who doesn't want kids. I think women are so conditioned to be mothers that they really don't believe there is anything more important to do in life. The choice has been made for them, by unthinking biology.

I make it very clear, when I'm first getting to know someone, that I do not want kids, and that I will not date anyone who has kids, or who plans to have them. Inevitably, they lie and tell me what they think I want to hear: "Oh, I don't want kids, either, they're dirty and messy and noisy and they smell bad...."

Three months into the relationship -- I could almost set my watch by this, if I had a watch -- they do a complete turnaround and now it's suddenly "I NEED A BAY-BEE!! !!"

Well, jeez, if you wanted someone who was OK with that, why didn't you just go after THAT guy in the first place?

Time after time after time, they try to change me into a domesticated cardboard cutout of a brain-dead sitcom dad. Time after time after time, that ends the relationship.

I believe there must be some sort of award given to a woman who can change a committed non-breeder into a dad. There must be, because so many of them are so interested in doing just that.

I've heard all the arguments:

Don't you want someone to carry on your name? No, why would I care about something so frivolous as a sequence of letters being kept around after I'm dead?

Don't you want a little version of yourself running around? No, I'm not that egotistical. I have enough problems with the big version.

Don't you want to make sure there's someone around to take care of you when you're old? No, that seems malevolent and selfish to me.

Don't you want to pass your genes along? Not particularly, there's nothing all that special about my genes.

They'll say "But being a parent is so rewarding." When I ask them how, they stammer and end up saying "You wouldn't understand unless you had a kid."

No thanks. Next....

Yes, exactly.

If I was a guy I'd definitely, positively want kids.

but since I'm not, meh. it seems like too big a sacrifice.

then again, I've never *really properly* thought about it. most likely it will be one of those things that I'd missed because of my lack of focus. there's no pressure on me to even consider it, form any side, and I'm not inclined to think about it, it's too abstract.

rationally speaking, I shouldn't procreate at all, so for now that's where I stand.

I definitely want kids, but I am at the point where I am willing to settle for someone who doesn't.

I am still undecided.

If I were to have kids, I'm leaning towards adoption. I would feel cruel conceiving my own child while knowing there are so many abandoned children out there who need a home and parents to love them. Plus I don't know if it's viable genetically to pass my genes on, I am still uncertain what my final functioning level as an adult will be after the onset of severe bipolar this year.

If my long term functioning level is too low, then I won't be having/adopting kids by default as I would only do so if I felt fully capable of being a good parent.