Meeting girls in College environment..... Do's and dont's

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Hi Folks.............

I am starting college classes at a new school (as a new student) in January of this year, and I am very excited.

This is a very rare opportunity for me in my life. I am going to a place where I have no "reputation" following me in......... I have a totally clean slate and a chance to go in any direction I want to possibly get a girlfriend. I am very excited about the possibilities.

When I was in High School, I began to get better socially around age 16 or so, and I began to get my feet wet talking to girls........... the problem was that in this old situation, I had such an atrocious reputation and history as a "dweeb" preceding me, that I had no chance of ever dating girls there. (No girl would touch me since I would ruin their social status if they were seen with me.)

I do not think in my life, I will ever have another opportunity like this to reinvent myself. I am also I think in a very good place atm where I am 4 or 5 years older then most girls will be at school....... I'm still close enough age-wise to date them and have it not be "too weird"........... but I have that advantage of some age and wisdom to where young girls won't intimidate me as they are chronologically outside of my "peer group."

People also tell me I look about 21 or 22 years of age anyway to them, so I won't stand out as some older guy.

I was wondering if anyone had some serious concrete advice or tips about how to act and proceed in college classes to "get with" girls?

My plan is to not say much (to not "monologue" or give away I have AS) or to not even try and ask out a girl until the 5th or 6th class. I'm also not going to go and approach the hottest girl there immediately...... (I think I will "talk up" some of the more marginal-looking girls in the class first, to make the girl I really want a bit jealous. My plan is to show true genuine interest in the class, and to make "dating" seem like a natural afterthought. I'm not just going to go swarm for the queen-bee right away, but give myself time to just get in good there and build a top reputation as an all-around good guy in classes, and one worth dating.)

I know a bit of what i wrote above sounds a bit Machiavellian, but in the past, I made the mistakes of talking way too much, and of soliciting the hottest girls right away, and even telling a big lie while flirting that totally blew it for me. I need a good "game Plan" to compensate for my AS handicap, and I really need to do well.

Good game plan? Don't have one. Be yourself. People will be attracted to you when you like who you are and have something to bring. As long as you are not an as*hole, you will meet a lot of people, many of them girls. I just got into a relationship in my second semester of college. Its funny because since then two girls have hit on me and one wanted to "hook me up" with a friend. Having a positive self image is one of the biggest things imo. If you have a hobby or talent that is interesting, so much the better. College is not like HS. People tend to like you more for who you are and as long as you are a decent person, are more willing to give you a chance.

^ Part of my problem is that in "being myself," I tend to talk too much, too quickly, and I tend to "lay all of my cards on the table" too soon. Sometimes I just get anxious or impatient, so I go right for the jugular too soon, or I do something that is "TMI" too soon.

Its hard to explain what I mean, but sometimes I go somewhere, and I'll just go on and on to where i sort of dig a hole. The more I talk, the more my AS becomes visible. That's why I was contemplating trying hard to "hold back" for a bit, and build some stock by keeping some dignified reticence.

Obviously I will speak, but I meant just avoiding "answering every question in class," "long monologues in class discussions, etc" (these things have ruined me in the past.) I've always tended to just put myself out there way too much, to the point where I display my worst qualities of AS, and I get clipped.

I agree totally about "being myself," but there are things I should "tweak." If I just have sort of a flexible game plan, and I just hold back right away, and try and "adapt" as much as possible to being an NT, etc.

yea but.. if thats how you are, then thats the best plan, right?

or are you ok with changing yourself in order to be with someone, and constantly having to put on a 'mask' to convince yourself and your partner that you are 'normal'?

iuno, i think if you continue to develop your skill set you could come across as a very smart guy who cares about his studies, and that might be attractive to some of the girls in your classes. intellect is a very good quality that some girls look for. at least, i wouldnt want to date a girl that didnt look for intellect in potential mates.

just try to be outgoing, and confident. you have to work on saying the right thing, ive been there too XD, but you can do it! just work at it. listen well to how people talk, and what they converse about. study people. the more you put yourself out of your comfort zone (more classes), the better you'll be in these places that you are learning to adapt to.

be yourself is the best policy. make sure you are dressed nicely and smell good (cologne helps a lot because it sets you apart, and makes people remember you and attach good qualities to you. its science lolz). make sure you brush your teeth and have good breath all the time also. from there, just try to interact with girls in your class. even if its just asking if they understood something, or better yet asking if they need help when they look stumped / lost.

a lot of it is small little verbal ques. its kind of like a 'dance' in that way. you throw out something that indicates you are interested in knowing if shes single or not, then she responds accordingly. she'll either say shes with someone (and be telling the truth, or lying because she isnt interested), or say no. pay attention to how her voice changes when she responds, this way you can maybe pick up on if shes interested in the potential of being with you.

its all very hard to do, to be completely honest. almost all guys struggle with this, not just aspies. confidence is key, and if you can make the girl feel comfortable around you, make her feel like you wont cling to her, and dont push her into reciprocating feelings (like telling her you want to be her boyfriend before you've even 'pseudo-dated'), you'll stand a good chance.

I'm just going to go and say it, don't make it a goal to hook up with a girl. Don't go out of your way to only talk to one girl in your class and ignore everyone else. Be sociable and friendly with everyone. Try to form study groups. Don't go out of your way to please someone so they will be your friend either, ie take notes for other people or let them copy when you just met them. Also it's not a bad thing to answer questions in class, especially if you are really interested in that topic/discussion. It shows people you are passionate about something, and that's always an admirable quality.

You say you speak too quickly, so be mindful of this during conversations and speak slower and less and don't over explain yourself. One of the easiest ways to start talking to people, guys and girls, is to introduce yourself just ask what major they are and what other classes they are taking. You can ask their opinion of a class you plan to take. Or if it's around lunchtime and you've been talking to a few people already ask them if they want to get lunch. Or you can straight up and say Hi I'm Pengu1n, this is my first semester here what do you think of this college so far. What are some things you should check out on campus, etc. Also compliment people, guys and girls. That's a nice shirt, what brand is that. That's a nice bracelet where did you get that from, it looks really unique.

I'm in a similar situation, I'm a much older college student but look young still. For the most part the age difference isn't bad at all. But I'm coming to realize that some people expect more (maturity?) out of you sometimes. Like you can joke around and have fun, don't get me wrong, but as an older person it looks real bad if you don't keep up with your grades. And this is something I'm messing up on right now.

also you said:
"This is a very rare opportunity for me in my life. I am going to a place where I have no "reputation" following me in......... I have a totally clean slate and a chance to go in any direction I want to possibly get a girlfriend. I am very excited about the possibilities. "

You have to condition yourself to not think this way. Don't be so fixated on what people may think of you. In all seriousness and practicality, everyday you have a chance and opportunity to define yourself. Just because you acted one way before does NOT mean you cannot change. You do not have to follow that routine. There's been many times in high school where I said I don't like xxx about myself, or I'm always quiet around these people. NEXT summer I will change and do better and make more friends. Why wait? Why waste time when everyday you could be improving your quality of life. Every passing moment is a moment that you decided yourself how to spend it. You have to give yourself the opportunity to reinvent yourself if you want to. Be happy with life, there's no point on dwelling what could have been, just enjoy it for what it is, embarrassing moments and all, and just move on.

Also, you may be confused when people say "be yourself" and you're like, "being myself is not working". Being yourself means act natural and not worry about what people will say about you, it does not literally mean, "be yourself and never change." As I said in my previous post, you are who you make yourself out to be. The moment you start "acting" confident and outgoing, people will see this and think, hey this guy is outgoing. They're not going to see right through you and say what a phony. Their perception of you is how you conduct yourself around them. People are not mind readers, what they think of you depends on how you behave around them. If you feel awkward being outgoing, then the other person is going to feel awkward also. If you feel happy to meeting new people, they will generally feel happy too.

The biggest problem for me is connecting with people on a deeper level since although I am interested in their lives, I am too forgetful. I would ask them the same questions next time I see them. The only thing I can say is take notes after meeting people and read through it the next day.

^ I certainly won't be "pretending to be someone I am not." I just want to make a good first impression, period. I HAVE to at least get in the door, and my "quirks" can come out later, but any girl I date has to get acclimated to me.

I think perhaps I didn't say things clearly enough as I'm not planning on being some sort of "poser," but I just want to "tone down" my more extreme AS nuances just to make a decent impression, that way NT girls don't turn away immediately out of shock and give me a chance.

My "mask" will come down later as a girl gradually gets to know me more and more. An NT girl can't immediately see all of my AS qualities since she won't understand them, and they will be "warning signs" to her.

That may seem reasonable but you are most likely to face getting too attached to her/her breaking it of because" you have changed"(showing your true self).

Whatever you do be yourself at all times, otherwise you are going to be accused of changing as soon as you drop the act.

This comes off as manipulative and ingenuine to me. I don't imagine you have much intention to begin something serious if you are going to begin your relationship with someone by intending to make them jealous, and using other people along the way.

All love theories are BS.

^ Ok, I respect this. I even admitted I'd have to be more assertive and possibly strategic to achieve an end. i have every intent of seriousness and finding real love.

The thing is that the real me is just a doormat who get ignored and passed over by more savvy individuals who instinctively play social games. I have the feeling I need to "up" my game atm and fight fire with fire if I ever want to get anywhere and not get stomped on.

My "plans" are no serious personality shifts, but just efforts to go get in the door and make a good first impression.

I feel I just need to move out of the 'black and white' thinking to "shades of gray" I'm sorry if some don't like it, but my old ways were complete failures so I need to really focus on my first impressions and if possible strategize when and where to talk to certain people, and when to reveal things.

Ewwwwww.

Then you will move on to the more attractive ones?

This sounds like the game plan from hell for all the unfortunate women who think you are seriously interested in them and for yourself. Being emotionally dishonest, hey there's a plan. Not.

I get that you want very badly to be socially successful, but I do not think this is the way and oh by the way, you are using other people, and that is what is called Bad Relationship Karma.

As other posters have suggested, hang loose, do the activities you enjoy at College and you will, hopefully, meet some women you have something in common with naturally.

If you follow your first idea, I predict a lot of bad situations and if you think the other ladies will not have figured you out by the time you get to the 'hotties' you are sadly mistaken.

Rethink your game plan, maybe see a therapist to work on your social skills before you hit campus? Seriously.

I find it kinda ironic that Pengu1n was saying that the real him is basically a doormat, and everyone's all like "be yourself, be yourself." If he's a (self-proclaimed) doormat, then who would want to go out with him? I think in that case, a little bit of a personality change is in order. I'm not talking about becoming an as*hole, I'm talking about getting out there and being less of a doormat, which to me it sounds like he's doing. Maybe he needs to tone down wanting to manipulate some of these women though.

Improving yourself is changing yourself.

OK, I'm sorry, I think my idea of "manipulating" women was way exaggerated.

What I meant by that was talking to multiple girls, and not just making a beeline for the one I found most attractive, as she might find that creepy and single-minded of me if I just hung on her all of the time but gave nobody else a thought. I'm not going to sit there and overtly flirt with all of them like I'm playing hot-potato, but just not cling around and get all drooly over the girl I have most interest in, and show that I'm multifaceted.

Everybody says "be yourself, be yourself." The problem is that "myself" sucks, and my true personality is textbook-severe Aspergers, which no girl will touch with a ten-foot pole. If I was to just truly "be myself" all the time, I'd do nothing but stutter and drool, and go off on long rants......... who would date that? My strategy is purely one of self-improvement and to mask the big traits that NTs loathe. My "pure" personality has zero redeeming qualities.

In the past it has been a HUGE social problem for me in that I instantly zero in on the individual in the room I find most attractive or engaging, and I hang around them and smother them in my fascination (male or female). I automatically ignore anybody who I don't think will immediately interest or benefit me. Its a huge negative for me since it makes me seem obsessive and creepy, so what I mean by "spreading myself out," is to avoid this big error I was making in the past. In the past, I made a beeline right for the girl I'd want to date, and I'd hang around her for far too long to the point where it weirded her out and obviously killed any chance I had.

I don't want to "manipulate" anybody....... I need to do these things to eliminate the errors I would make with AS, and to help me function well enough as an NT so I make a decent first impression...... otherwise no girl would even give me a chance. I'm sorry if such a thing is too brutal for "black and white" thinkers, but its what I have to do as I have no chance naturally. I know some people won't like such "changes," but the old ways I did things were complete failures.

Last edited by Pengu1n on 01 Dec 2011, 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Its absolutely impossible for me to date or flirt just "being natural" and relying solely on my own intuition. I tried that way for years and it never came close to working. I'm simply not capable of completing this social ordeal without some other factors helping me.

Even if I do "fun activities" , its simply not enough as my AS stench is too strong to overcome even the best setting. Just trying to talk to women and get to know them will never work for me, as I have too many initial "negatives" for any woman to ever give me a chance.

The fact is that I'm trying to actually think about what I do before I just do it. One of my AS traits is that I am very impulsive and I say things before thinking about them (and then I regret strongly what I said) Thats my plan is to just have some flexible idea, play my cards close to my chest, conceal my intentions, and not overwhelm the girl I find most interesting. I'm not looking to "nail and bail," or to be a "player." The fact is that I'm not genetically wired to be able to do the dating ritual, so I need any "edge" I can get to even have small odds.

I shant apologize anymore as I've been at a huge disadvantage in the "game" of life for too long, so silly me for actually trying to make some moves to get myself advancing again on the board.

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