advice for the hopeless aspie female

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I have never been in a relationship and have no clue where to start. Next week I start culinary school and that may be a good place to meet a man.
The problem is that I feel uncomfortable around men that I am attracted to. How does an aspie with poor social skills talk to an NT male?
Should I avoid deep discussion and try useless small talk?

Yesterday at a coffee shop my mother told me that an attractive man was checking me out. I would have never noticed that myself but he really was looking at me quite a bit.
How would I have began a conversation? He had earbuds plugged into his ears while reading a book. It would have been rude to disturb him.

Do any men like girls that don't ware makeup or trendy cloths? Do men like strange,introverted girls that don't conform to society's rules?

Aspies that have been in relationships: How did you begin? Where you scared to talk to your future partner at first? How did you get over it?

Do dating sites really ever work?

To a certain extent, I think you should until you build comfort and familiarity with that person, talk about the local area and surroundings, weather, events. There's no point in talking about physics or art if the person you are talking to has little interest or any understanding of what you are talking about.



A good idea would be to go up to him and ask him about his book, ask him about the type of books he likes, just find something to talk about that will break the ice and make the conversation flow smoothly. It takes confidence to approach someone and if you show it in the approach or initial impression, it will be expected of you to be that way most of the time.

Do any men like girls that don't ware makeup or trendy cloths? Do men like strange,introverted girls that don't conform to society's rules?



My relationships have been through mutual friends or events, I think that getting to know someone through a friend or somewhere you frequently visit such as a gym or class is a good way to meet someone because you will already have a good foundation for familiarity and comfort. It is more difficult randomly approaching people because you don't share that level of comfort or familiarity.

As for getting over a relationship, I just think you have to realize that life goes on and that there are possibilities out there. I think dating is a process of finding what is right for you through trial and error, if you look at it that way, you can't really go wrong.



I've never used them but I'm sure they do for some, supposedly there are more males that are looking on dating websites so perhaps you would success on them being a girl.

I would advise against dating sites as its very stressful getting rejected, and stressful writing messages, and your competeing against all the normal ladies who write much better messages and are much more normal in general, and then you have to meet a guy who you dont know with all the pressure hanging over you of romance and its just all yuk!

I think the best way esp for nervous aspie women is to meet a guy at an aspie social group, that way you have a chance to get to know the person without the pressure of romance hanging over you, and they are more likley to have a similar lifestyle (rather than men in nightclubs who would like drinking and partying) and they are more likely to be open to dating an aspie woman, and most important a lot of them are lonely and want to find someone (where as in all the evening classes Ive been to men have wives or dont want to meet someone).

I think if you find someone your interested in you just have to be brave and ask them for a date, for example at the social group ask if they would like to meet for a coffee on another day, if they agree they are probably interested and you can arrange another meet up if the coffee 'date' goes well. When you feel comfortable with them you can ask them how they feel about you, or ask if they would like to be your bf, or ask if you can kiss them. If its an aspie guy he is unlikely to be put off by a certain amount of social clumsiness as he should understand how you feel.

I found all the books by Leil Lowndes very helpful in social skills tips
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Leil-Lowndes/e/ ... r_dp_pel_1

and video jugs dating tip videos are fab
http://www.videojug.com/tag/dating

I usually meet guys online. I found my current boyfriend on a dating site (okcupid, NOT one of the other heavily NT-targetted ones), and my previous one in a forum where we shared a common interest. I find meeting guys this way much easier than out in the real world. Plus on a dating site, you can put it out there that you are not conventional, so guys know what they are getting themselves into. If he contacts you, you know he likes those qualities you have written about.

I don't wear makeup or trendily clothes. I am a strange, introverted girl that doesn't conform to society's rules. I have met guys who like this about me, so yes, some do.

Yes some do including me. Guys who are less into the mainstream culture & are less superficial are more apt to


I met em both by posting on forums. Last one was from here on WP.


Not for guys like me. I wasted years trying dating sites & I never got one date.

My advice is to try to look for guys on forums; there's plenty of guys he3re on WP who are looking including me. Or you could try a dating site & take the initiative to message guys 1st; especially guys who seem they would be less popular, more shy, geeky, dorky ect

Been avoiding advice threads for a while but lets see what I can about this:

The best advice Ive seen on this subject is to treat them as you´d treat any of your female friends.
In order to achieve this you may have to start talking to random males you are not attracted to just for the sake of talking... until you are comfortable around males.


Useless small talk is usually best for starters but if a guy likes you he´ll look beyond whatever you are talking about and try to get to know you better.
Last year when I was introduced to a girl her first words where "are you familiar with death note?"(apparently my behaviour reminded her of one of the characters). This isnt a conversation starter Im used to but considering that she was way out of my league... I made sure that the conversation didnt die there, which is probably what she was looking for.



Whenever I dont know if I should approach someone I wave at them and watch for their response(it may look silly at times but it saves quite a few misunderstandings).
A smile/wave back is usually a welcome to approach sign and I avoid those that dont reply.



There are some men that actually prefer this kind of women, there are men that dont care about whatever clothes you wear and there are males that just want a trophy wife and expect her to be wearing the latest fashion...so I dont think that you are doing yourself any harm by avoiding trendy clothes/makeup.


If you take into account that not every male likes conforming society rules you´ll find that there are some males that are actually looking for that sort of thing

Dating sites can work brilliantly or not work at all. Females usually have more success finding dates but maybe the males there arent what they are looking for... you cant define wether or not online dating will work for you until you´ve given it a propper chance for at least some months.

I've tried dating sites too but I either get no replies or rejection. It's mostly NT's who wouldn't understand me being an aspie. I'm in the same boat when it comes to approaching other people. I wouldn't know what to say to them but you have to feel comfortable approaching them.

My therapist recommended an aspie social group to me as well. I hope to have success in meeting other people through it.

Not all guys are attracted to girls are who into trendy clothes, make-up, and "girlyness". I for one tend to be attracted to girls who are not into all of that silly pink stuff and who are overly concerned with being pretty every time they go out. In fact, I think you'd be surprised at how many guys are actually turned off by this. I am more into girls who are attractive to me physically and emotionally, than girls who are always trying to conform to societal expectations.

Not only that but there are a lot of guys, often creepy, on sites like that just looking for sex. Also, you often don't know who the hell you're meeting. You might just want date within the tribe? I'm sure there are people local to you from WP.

All true, you just don't know what you'd be getting into on dating sites. I would rather date an aspie since they would understand me for who I am.

Avoid small talk until you are at a comfortable stage to use it or have developed a better understanding of where it is good to use it (ice breakers, jokes, relieve tension etc.). See a male you are attracted to and engage him when he is doing something or has something related to your focused interests.

It may come as a shock but a lot of men out there like a girl with a natural or modest look over the make up, skimpy & trendy outfits etc. (though they are nice to look at on occasions ). And it won't come as a shock to you but.....a lot of men aren't all that picky if you are a nice person and there's physical chemistry between you two. Be happy with what you are

As far as dating sites go? You don't have to go as far as saying you're an Aspie but like another person here said just confirm you don't usually exhibit behaviour that fits within social norms. Again there's a lot of lonely guys out there and they are more interested in finding out if you are a caring person that maybe has similar interests and a good physical bond to them. And if you make these things clear in your profile you won't have trouble finding some decent guys after a while most people don't always get the right person after a few tries so don't let a botched date or bad connection throw you off the track to romance.

Well, all I can say is good luck with men and your studies

Hmm. There's some good feedback already in this thread, so I won't repeat what others have said I think the biggest thing to keep in mind is that yes, there is someone out there for you. Yeah, not everyone is up for a relationship with an Aspie. And yeah, there will be some who will reject you because you are unconventional. But there will be others who are willing to put in the extra effort that an Aspie relationship requires, to have the extra reward of being with you And there are folks who will see your uniqueness as special and wonderful, not as offputting or weird. It does exist. I've dated two girls and they were both able to see and appreciate the good aspects of Asperger's in me, and celebrate my uniqueness. It totally happens, and you should not give up.
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Speaking only for myself, I prefer: "strange,introverted girls that don't conform to society's rules". They are the most interesting and the most lovely.

Men's tastes vary depending on the individual. Personally, I like introverted, nonconformist girls, but my opinion probably does not count, since I am an introverted, nonconformist man.

As for makeup and trendy clothes: I do not care about them. I would not choose a woman based on that. As Wonder Woman said in one episode of the Justice League animated series, why would a woman want to hide her natural beauty? Sure, there is no problem in trying to enhance it, but it is unnecessary.

Sorry, given my experience on the subject, that is the only question I can answer for you.

I have it on the best authority that the answers are: yes, and yes.

I have some idea of what makeup can and cannot do. Once it is too obviously applied on a woman (or a man) [1] I tend to look right through it.

[1] There are ... way more ladyboys in Dublin than I would have imagined before I arrived here.

Why specifically an NT male? An Aspie male might be more likely to "get" you and work with you over the short and long term, and definitely won't have the same expectations with respect to the mating dance.



Not unless you want to keep that up for the entire length of a relationship.

Being yourself is a useful filter... keeps away those that don't like who you are.



I think you were meant to give him the eye and smile and stuff, let him know that you wouldn't mind him approaching you. Maybe it would have worked, maybe not.



Yes, yes, and yes! Especially aspie guys.



She gave me a surprise kiss, and I kissed her back. The rest is history.