Living together before marriage?

Post Reply New Topic

I like the idea, honestly. It seems so practical. Why wait until after the wedding and all that paperwork to move in, only to find that you can't stand living with him/her on a day-to-day basis? If it doesn't work, just get your own place and move on (or have him/her leave, pending on circumstance). However, my mother and grandmother don't like the idea at all. They're Christian and they believe that would be "living in sin." I'm not a Christian, no longer a virgin and don't really hold those beliefs anymore. They really look down on my Aunt who did the same thing and the marriage fell apart. I don't really think waiting until after the wedding to move in would have made a difference. Mom waited until marriage to move in with my father and that didn't work out either.

I bring this up because my boyfriend told me over dinner last night that he's thinking of getting an apartment by the end of this year/early next year. He wanted to know if I would want to live with him. I said I would (we would have been together 1 year and 5-6 months by that point) but that my folks wouldn't like it, at all. His sister lived with her husband before marriage and it's going well so far. So his side of the family would be okay with it. He also asked that if I were to move in with him if I would ever be comfortable, "taking the next step." I said that marriage crossed my mind a couple times but I wasn't really expecting that at this time. He said he had thought about it a little too and to be honest, I'm still blushing from that.

Anyway, how should I go about this topic with mom and grandma when that time comes?

I say go for it! It'll be beneficial to see him regularly too.

Well I do understand your family's reaction... they believe you need about 2 or 3 years to make sure that it does work out.
I don't think it matters if you do decide against getting married and live together anyway. I also think you should prepare yourself for any and all eventualities.

I would *never* marry someone without living with them first. Never. I even dated someone for three years and then lived with them for three years after that, and I learned a lot in the first month of living together that I didn't know in the three years we dated, pre-cohabitation.

But I need a lot of control in my relationships, and I don't have the "Marriage above all else" mindset (in other words, I have zero qualms about pulling the ripcord on something that's proved not to work, whereas some people I know would stay married no matter what their spouse did/how bad or unfulfilling the relationship was).

i would want to live with someone before marriage, for sure. i'd need to experience someone with their guard down in regular day-to-day situations to know whether i could marry them.

a decade ago, the statistics showed that couples who cohabitate prior to marriage have higher rates of divorce. however, modern studies found that there is very little difference in divorce rates between the 2 groups.

Real men marry their women, they don't treat them like unpaid whores. Quite frankly, I can't imagine why any woman would want to be treated like an unpaid whore.

Just remember, co-habitation doesn't equal a marriage commitment, because it is not an exclusive relationship. Both partners are free to date others while only co-habiting, and neither has a right to freak over that or to expect exclusivity, without them being married.

One more thing. Please, please, both of you use birth control if you co-habit. Kids do better in two parent households, not in temporary shack-ups.

That's a bit harsh, Questor, even by my standards. But I agree in principle.

Remember, nothing is 'cheating' unless you're married.

whaaaaaat? how is the man treating the woman like that more than the reverse? isn't the man also an unpaid whore?

last i checked, a person who enters the situation willingly isn't being "treated" in a certain way. in these modern days it's a mutual arrangement where a man doesn't dictate the living arrangements to the woman - they are equal partners making decisions together.

What? You can be in a monogamous relationship without being married, you know. The commitment just isn't set in paperwork yet. I would still be pissed if he cheated because I was faithful to him. I'm not sure exactly where you get off saying this kind of stuff, Questor.

Fnord, we've had this discussion before, and in the end you conceded that it is cheating when there is a stated commitment to fidelity, even when the individuals are not married. i guess you forgot that.