Panicking on OKCupid

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So basically I'm really new to this kind of thing. On Thursday night I thought I'd set up a profile on OKCupid because I heard of people doing it here. So I signed up. I had turned off the instant message thing because I didn't want people talking to me when I haven't completed my profile yet, as chatting to someone takes my FULL focus. Well, within the first few hours of me completing my profile without even answering any questions yet, I had 6 messages in my inbox from nice, genuine looking guys. I thought whoa I wasn't expecting it to be this busy... I can't handle this right now. So I went offline and thought I'd look at them later. Yesterday evening I was too tired to log in but today now I have 25 messages in my inbox, all but 1 from genuine, non-creepy guys. So far I have not replied to a single message.

Here's the deal with me: I have a lot of trouble answering messages. I take a long time to write a message. And more importantly, I'm the type of person who is extremely paranoid of being rude and paranoid of offending anyone. I have no clue of what is rude and what isn't, that's why I "lift the bar" as high as possible, if anyone gets what I mean. I don't know any different. I don't want to ignore any of these people, but if I keep replying and chatting to everyone who sent me a message and they all want to meet or something, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how to be nice to everyone without giving off strong impressions to everyone, you know?

I'm freaking out right now.

Can someone please help me understand how this online dating thing is supposed to work?

Also, I have some questions about the inbox and instant message features.

1. What will happen if I turn on the instant message feature? Will people be able to bombard me with messages? Or is there a friend feature or something?

2. Is the inbox like a PM feature intended for more lengthy messages, or is it the place where offline instant messages go like when someone goes offline on facebook?

3. Can people tell when I have read their message?

If you read this far, thanks for reading.

A lot of those guys are pretty desperate, that's why you probably have so many.

I assume you're straight, so it's probably why you've got so many messages so quickly.

Because you have so many, I would only message the people you think you might be interested in, and haven't said a simple greeting and asked one question about you, usually "how are you?" or some other variant.

They can't tell if you've read the message, no, but they can tell if you've been online recently, so if you've not replied, logged off, and seen to log on again and haven't replied, they'll see you've just ignored them.

1. If the instant messaging feature is turned on, people can message you any time you're online. I know a lot of girl's tend to turn this feature off on OKCupid and it is understandable, there are a lot of perverted males on that site and some of the messages they send are disgusting.

2. The inbox is for private messages, like Hotmail or AOL Mail. As far as I know, conversation's are not stored on there like Facebook would. It's for more in-depth, long-winded, messages where you can take your time to think about your replies to those that you're interested in.

3. No. People have no idea if you have or have not read their messages.

No need to freak out (: Calm down and take it one step at a time, there's no need to get so worked up over it.

Callum

Last edited by CuriousCallum on 21 Jul 2012, 6:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks Morphin and Callum for the great advice and information. I feel a little calmer now. =)

Yes I am a straight female, but actually I think the main reason I ended up with so many so fast is cos I went on a clicking spree and I clicked on so many people's profiles who had a high match with me, often several times on the same one, before I realised they could see me looking. I have since turned on anonymous browsing. lol.

Anyway, I'll sort through them tomorrow. I think (and hope) they won't mind if I replied slowly.

They wouldn't be on a dating site if they weren't desperate for some.

Not every guy that joins a dating site is desperate for intercourse, sometimes it's just about widening ones horizons and seeing who else is out there, especially if you have been single for a while and you require a gradual re-introduction to the dating scene. I personally found OKCupid very useful in that respect.

I tried Plenty of Fish once a few years ago, and once just recently. Both times I found it too overwhelming and only lasted a couple of days. If you get upset easily by accidentally offending people, be careful about replying to people that you aren't really sure you're interested in. I found that once I'd acknowledged the communication, some guys (not all) would get irritated if I stopped answering future messages, and then they'd send sort of passive aggressive type, "why aren't you answering anymore" type messages, which would just send my anxiety through the roof. Also I don't know what your profile is like, but I came off in mine I think as being decidedly "not normal", and some guys would just send mean messages demanding to know why I was like this or that or if I don't like xyz, why don't I just give up, just mean stuff. Ignore it! They're just hatin', and they won't get dates that way. Good luck!

Or maybe if you sent a simple message expressing your lack of interest, it might have prevented it.

Weirdly enough, I feel no obligation to appease strangers on dating websites that I'm uninterested in, I owe them nothing. If someone stops messaging you on a dating website, it's probably safe to assume they're not interested, and bothering them further is a completely illogical waste of time.

Fair enough, I get your point.

Yeah, I fail at small talk on daiting sites not sure what kind of messages are appealing, and which ones are not, and they seem to stop messaging me in the middle of conversation a lot, I thinking of giving up on dating sites all together.

Real life approaching may be better for you because you stand out more and you have the attention of the person you have approached.

I wish more people thought this way! Once I send someone a message, I forget about it, so if they don't reply, I won't even know. Unfortunately most people seem to want a reply one way or another and will hunt you down for it. I'd rather hear nothing back, than hear "I'm not interested", especially when I had put them out of my mind. I don't want them coming back into my life with a "sorry, I don't like you" message!


Shroomy, the volume of messages will decrease over time. Some people deliberately search for new members, so once you are no longer new you won't get as many messages from such people. I'd be a bit cautious about people messaging you when you haven't even filled out your profile properly. I'd only message back the ones you are keen on, and only if they sent a message that is "reply-able", i.e., they actually show that they have read your profile and they ask you a question. If the message just says "Hey what's up", or there's a lengthy paragraph about how he thinks you will really click, but doesn't mention anything that shows he didn't send the exact same message to a hundred other girls, I wouldn't bother.

Good luck, once you settle in you should find it a fun site. I certainly enjoy it.

I just try to start a conversation. Best way to start I think.

Yeah on dating websites new girls (especially decent looking) get a lot of attention at first. Especially if you clicked on a lot of profiles. After a little while you'll be able to judge if the person has even bothered to look at your profile. Some very quickly want to meet up or just say pointless small talk.
Either ignore those you aren't interested in or politely let them down. There are some horrible and/or overly eager people on dating sites so don't take it too seriously. Otherwise you will get put off very quickly.

Answer to ones you are interested in, and just be casual with everyone until you get to know them.

That is what I am doing but I only get 1 message every few days. XD