36 and still single.

Post Reply New Topic

Here's my story. I have always known I was very different. I just had 3 three older sisters and a mother to imitate and learn from. It wasn't until 6 years ago when my almost then 3 year old was diagnosed with Autism, that I realized why I was so different, misunderstood and such a loner. About 4 years ago I went to a dr. and he met with me bi-monthly, over a year. He told me that I definitely had Aspergers but wouldn't give me a diagnosis, said it is completely misunderstood by society and would only hinder me in life. So, here I am, a non-diagnosed Aspie. I have a hard time finding and keeping friends. I have even more of a hard time meeting a good guy, who wants to be with me, for the long run. I have came a long way in life, and I have learned most of my lessons the hard way. I am very strong and so glad to say that I am not anywhere near as gullable as I used to be...shew. I have wasted years of my life on one's who I thought were something they weren't.

I am really shy until I feel comfortable around someone that I am interested in, and then I open up and am silly and fun. When first talking to someone in person, I get so nervous, and I act like a completely different person. Then those people are ususally not interested. The only ones who seem interested are the ones who I don't like, don't care to impress and am myself around them from the beginning...and they love me. I have my kiddos, but I long to be loved. I have so much love to give, so much to offer and yet I feel that I am withering away. Any advice on meeting/dating/talking to others is accepted

Last edited by MissCAP on 06 Jan 2013, 12:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MissCap- welcome my sister! Holy moly, your story sounds so much like mine. Except I'm not really shy and I don't have kids and I don't have older sisters....wait, my point....

I guess the only thing I can say is what I say to myself.... first, mid-30s isn't old. Imagine how we'll look back in 10 years and be like "oh, you whipper snapper" and the wasted years on men who I thought were one thing and were really another? I've gotten smarter about spotting those effers. As for men who you (we) don't like who are so into us? I do the best I can with being very clear to myself about what's not working for me, I am clear with them as well, and know that being single is better than being with somebody who just isn't right for me.

And I think I am going to search for a good therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy to help me deal with anxiety, irritation and discernment skills (of others and their intentions).

Thank you my friend You're very funny!!
I know mid 30's isn't really old, but I look in the mirror and I'm like "Oh my" ...hahaha
I am about a professional at spotting them effers too!! And I am also an Aspie magnet, or so I've learned over the years.
That's a great idea about the therapist. I have anxiety issues...and the older I get, the more social anxiety I have. It's kinda like the older I get the more my Aspie characteristics shine, or maybe it's just where I've had no one to imitate for a loooong while now? Who knows.?
I agree with you completely, being single is better than being with somebody who just isn't right for you. Even though the last was a 4 year off and on...it was more off. I guess really I've only had 1 serious relationship that counts, and yep, you guessed it, he was an Aspie. Only at the time, I had no friggin idea what Autism/Aspergers was. If I would have, we would still be together. He was by far the best guy I have ever met. Anyways, I live in Tennessee and most here are self absorbed/and shady. I meet people and I just can't be around them, they seem so mean. I have a huge heart, and I don't think most around here do, sad.

Hello MissCAP. Welcome to WP - hope you like it here.

Go right ahead.



Me too - although I actually had the diagnosis from a very early age to prove it.



I hope that didn't so as far as mimicking them, otherwise you wouldn't have been very popular!



This doesn't add up. Why would he need to meet you twice a week for a year? Why the need for over 100 visits?! This doesn't make any sense to me, unless there is something else in the picture that you haven't told me.



What else did he tell you?



I'm diagnosed. Do you have a job?



Here's what I always say:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4_kKiriCTs[/youtube]

Join our club, pay the membership fee... there are more than enough of us out there!



What about the father of your child?



Good for you.



I am sorry to hear that.



Again, sorry that this happened to you.



I bet you're great fun. What do you like doing?



Oh?



Perhaps those people are looking for prey? Have you ever thought about that as the explanation?



You don't think it's a case of wanting that which you can't have? Have you ever had any romantic interests that you've really opened up to and had a successful and lasting relationships with?



Are you from the United Kingdom?



Don't feel like that. We're all still young yet. You too.



Have you thought about hanging around here? Depending on your location (and personality) of course, you might find someone that you click with here. Stranger things have happened, you know.

Anyway, welcome to the forum!

I've become convinced that the best match is an autistic with an autistic. Over the years I dated a lot of women and had numerous long-term girlfriends. Looking back, all of the relationships had issues because my autistic characteristics. If I had it to do over again, I'd only date other autistics.

There is an additional issue beyond autism: Women in America are notoriously anti-male. Back during Hillary Clinton's Year of the Woman, we heard such things as "the phrase 'I was just trying to be a nice guy' is not an excuse, it's an admission of guilt." Most guys are really tired of the feminist flamethrower and are not willing to put any time or effort into approaching a woman who gives even the slightest indication that she's not interested or has a negative attitude toward men. Generally speaking, autistics don't send the right signals, simply because autistics don't send or receive signals. I suggest you find a way to network with other autistics. There are plenty of nice Aspie guys out there. However, if they are like me, many of their cordial attempts to approach a woman have been met with a thorough roasting with the feminist flamethrower. To be truthful, any autistic woman has her work cut out for her, since you are trying to break through the effects of both autism and feminism. If you focus on autistics, then you have half of the battle won.

Last edited by ShelbyGt500 on 05 Jan 2013, 1:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ShelbyGT500- maybe you should,stick to cars rather than give people advice.
Try to understand a simple piece of logic, people desire to be treated well regardless of gender/race/wealth. Feminism is an attempt to level the playing field BUT is never an attack on men. Feminists fight for men's right to not be type cast as well, feminists are huge proponents on treating people well and admiring quirks instead of expecting everyone to conform to any stereotype...thus! are also champions for Aspies. An aspie male with quirks are certainly NOT going to get support from women bashers. Any male that argues against Feminisn argues against gender equality, the team you have been brainwashed by certainly don't stop their assault there.

The phenomenons of anti-male attitude and man bashing among feminists are directly observable regardless of the target of their attitude. Plenty can be heard on television and radio where the speaker is entirely unaware of me or any other specific listener. My point is that if a woman can't send out positive signals or respond to positive signals, that is consistent with someone who is well-prepared to start flaming away. Trying to sell me a line of political correctness will not work. While it's convenient to pick some characteristics of feminism as the exclusive characteristics of that movement, the reality of feminism extends beyond that. Feminism does carry resentment of men. The effects of that resentment are broad reaching and do affect women in some negative ways. Most of my friends are neuro-typical and they have the same view. No guy in his right mind wants to take a woman out on a date who has the "women have the right to be angry" sort of attitude toward men. And, if a woman seems to have that sort of attitude, a lot of guys will simply pass her by.

Last edited by ShelbyGt500 on 05 Jan 2013, 2:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Don't call it feminism then.

Also, there are many types of feminists. There are the feminists I'd go for a drink with any time and that I agree with nearly everything on, those feminists I agree with some things on, and scary nutters that call themselves 'feminist' that I'd avoid like the plague.

I wanna say that I am SOOOO HAPPY I found this website, somewhere I can fit in and belong, yay!!

Tequila, lol here it goes...
If I would have honestly had someone who cared enough, I probably would've had a diagnosis earlier. My mother worked 3-11pm everyday because she had 6 kids and wanted nothing to do with them and my dad deserted me as a baby, yet was a great dad to my older sister when he would come and get her...? (who knows) Anyways...My eldest sis left in 8th grade, moved in with her dad. My second eldest sis was visciously mean. Beat the shiz out of me and the next eldest sis, she ended up getting sent away at age 15. I also have 2 younger brothers and I pretty much raised them. I, as the dr said, come from a very toxic family. My mother is definitely an Aspie (she HATES when I call her that) with Narcissistic tendencies. She will not accept the fact that I am, she is, my brother is, my boys are and my nephew is. I can spot an Autistic/Asperger person a mile away. When you have lived your whole life being different in everyway, you pretty much know what the signs are. Sorry for rambling.

I meant to type I went to this Psychiatrist bi-monthly, my bad. My son's speech therapist recommended him to me. He works with people on the spectrum. I met with him for justification on why I was the way I am and for a diagnosis that I knew I had, to prove to my family why I am me..........he refused. He said they were toxic and it didn't make a crap what they thought. He told me to get my son's IEP re-established and get my butt back in college. I did both and I graduated

I was with this guy (if I can even call him that?) for a few years. He wore a beautiful mask. The day I found out he was seeing someone else, I was done. 2 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. While I was pregnant, found out he is a diagnosed sociopath (joy). So, I was a full time student with 2 boys and pregnant and working as well. I did it, all by myself. After I graduated, finished all my clinicals I had my baby girl (soooo precious) I do not have a babysitter for her, I just have no help or support from my family, with the exception of my oldest son who's 18 and my brother who's 22. But my son is a full time college student, and my brother works. So, I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home and take care of her and am very active in my 9 year old's school. So, no, I do not work outside of my home. I do however work my butt off at home!!

I left my ex Aspie. My middle child was 2 and screamed allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the time. I was a stay at home mom and didn't know I was an aspie, he was autistic, and his father an aspie. All I knew wass I was stressed out to the max......and took it out on my ex
I have learned so much since then. I really think that God puts people in your life for a reason. My daughter's father taught me what a bad man was. Now I will NEVER nitpick someone again, ever. I know so much more than I knew 10 years ago. I have grown and learned so much about myself and my children and family. Thank God for my son's diagnosis, it changed our lives.

What do I like to do? I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to fish. That is the most relaxing, peaceful, most awesome thing to me. I even have my own pink pole and tackle box...haha
I write poetry and pretty much, my world consists of taking care of my kids. I am very proud of them, they are really great kids. I know what I didn't have growing up and I have made sure that they will never do without like I did, ever.

I have had romantic interest that I have opened up to and were successful, they were years ago though. I have tried, and will keep trying. I know a lot of people are like, I've been burned, I don't trust anymore, I'm damaged. Not me. I LEARN from everything I experience. I just want a better life for my family and I constantly push to make that happen. I will not let my past or hurt I have experienced haunt my next relationship, I refuse. I was made to be a wife, just have to find the right guy

I live in the U.S.A. in Tennessee. Thank you for your comments, I plan on hangin around.

Shelby,
I agree with you. I think the best matches are Aspies with Aspies...
I am not a hater of men. I have had my fair share of good and bad ones but they didn't change me.
I am a giver, a nurturer and I love to make others happy.
I don't at all have a bad attitude. HOWEVER, I must have a scary face when I am focused and thinking. I have had people ask if I was mad a bunch of times over the years, when actually I was very happy. I have been told that I am very intimidating and unapproachable.? I'm really fun, easy going and very simple. I am so clumsy (maybe cause I am 5'10") and silly. I love to make others laugh and I laugh at myself all the time. If someone would just approach me, take the time to really get to know me, then they would be a very happy man.

Hi MissCAP,

It sounds like you may be a genetic Aspie. I'm somebody who's autistic characteristics seem to be inherited. In particular, I don't have the ability to communicate using facial expressions or tone of voice. Consistent with those characteristics, I have never learned the customs of eye contact, so I have what they call the "direct dye gaze." I'm very interested in the differences between people who have genetically transferred autistic characteristics and those who are autistic due to environmental or unattributed causes. If you don't mind the question, are your characteristics similar to mine?

Shelby, you can ask me anything...I love to learn and am willing to share my experience in this world to help others as well.
My brother (the one not on the spectrum) gets on to me all the time about my tone. He says I talk way too loud and no one will ever listen to me, they will only shut me out. I don't even realize I am. I can make eye contact but not for long. It is just odd to me. If I am staring into someone's eyes while they talk, I almost can't remember what the heck they said.....I don't think my facial expressions add up to my emotions most of the time, it really depends on what is going on around me.
I will say that I FRIGGIN can't handle (especially if I am tired) a bunch of noises or talking. My oldest son is so dang smart and he loves to talk. He went on and on for an hour about his Chemistry paper in college one day. I wasn't trying to be rude but I was like, "Dude, really?"
I remember being at an appointment one day, I was tired. The door was loud and when it closed (behind my seat) it was horrible. Then a man came in and smelled like he bathed in pickles, and the baby 4 seats down was screaming...I remember looking around and being like, am I the only one who feels like this??? And WAL-MART....Oh Geez, that place is the pits. For some reason I stand out and people are always staring at me (I don't like) and it is so loud in there.........shew.
Do we sound similar?

Good for you! I'm so happy that you feel at home here.



OK. I'm listening!



A touch strange.



Nasty.



Good for you!



Yes, it sounds it.



I'm sorry to hear that.



It very, very often runs in families to a greater or lesser extent.



Don't apologise; you just go right ahead!



Ah, OK. That makes a lot more sense. When you just said that you went to a doctor twice a week for a year (you didn't specify a psychatrist), I inferred from that statement that you were having an affair with him!



Good.



Sounds good.



Oh?



I think it actually depends. They can induce a sort of learned helplessness in people, and many people might actually be able to do alright without them. If you can function well enough in society without a diagnosis, you're better off that way I think.

And good for you, by the way!



They say that people like yourself, who have those kinds of tendencies (or who grow up around people with those kinds of tendencies) end up being attracted to people like this in later life, which is probably why you ended up with him.



Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.



I bet it was!



Bloody good on you too, girl!



I bet she's a sweetheart.



Oh? Can't you find one? You never know, there might be someone in a similar situation to yourself who also needs a night off every once in a while and will be happy to have your little girl. You have to trust the person who will be looking after her, of course. No use just giving her to anyone, but you seem to be more than smart enough to know that anyway.



I see.



Ah, OK.



I bet you do.



I bet this wasn't easy for you.



I'm sorry to hear that.



Good on you.



You're speaking to an atheist here, but I understand the sentiment. I would have said that it's nothing to do with your God (and he shouldn't take credit for what you've done anyway), but you've shown your inner strength in your character to do what you've accomplished for yourself. You should be damn proud of yourself. You did it on your own, remember.



Excellent.



What sort of fishing do you do? I love eating fish-- actually, no, just scrap that - I just like eating.



Good for you.



Good for you and good for them. It sounds like you've had a very harsh and difficult journey in your life and you've achieved so much. I know this usually sounds wrong but: I hope you're proud of yourself.



Go to it!



Excellent stuff!



Please do - there are members here from all over the U.S., and this is a U.S.-based forum, mainly, but with a lot of UK (and a few Canadian and Australian and New Zealand) members here too, as well as a smattering of other people from across Europe as well.

Ah ha! I do see some emotions on the faces of other people. However, I'm oblivious to communication. And, my face is generally blank, except for an occasional slight showing of emotion. For me, filtering out the communication so that I see raw emotion has turned out to be useful and informative. In particular, I can see a sort of sadistic emotion on an individual's face that serves as a warning they are up to something bad. That sadistic look is often the precursor to an attempt to take advantage of me or make a fool of me. For neuro-typical people, those emotions seem to be obscured by the facial expressions of communication. So, under those circumstances, I am uniquely warned to be careful. Do you have similar experiences and do you see similar things?

FYI, I'm currently training my Dragon Dictate speech to text system, so please be tollerant of a few translation anomalies.

Also, Alex has a dating site affiliated with wrongplanet.net , which is http://aspieaffection.com . There are a few bogus ads, which is true of almost all dating sites, but they are easy to spot, since they are way too generic and don't mention autism in any way. I gave it a try and had some nice chats, but I'm 57 and way out of the general population's age range. You may find success.

Welcome aboard! Your story sounds painfully similar to my own...

Glad you're keeping positive about it!