Marriage

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You know, after recently coming to be more comfortable with the idea of having sex before marriage....I came to realize that I've never fully understood the point of being married.

Don't get me wrong--I'm not knocking married couples; if you want to get married, I'm behind ya all the way.

I understand that back in the day, people did it for financial reasons. That was then, though.

See, I always viewed marriage as just "something ya do after dating for a while", but never put all that much thought into it, and it always seemed like a nice thing to do.

You'd think I of all people would've put more thought into it than that, but admittedly until now I never did.

My Dad told me there are legal benefits to marriage, but.....tax credits or whatever have never been of much concern or interest to me. And to me that's certainly not a reason to embrace in such a highly symbolic ceremony, as well as legal status until either death/divorce.

I also viewed marriage as kinda something ya know "society expected of you" and all that jazz, but how often have I been known to "do what society demands of me", unless I myself want to do it?

Now, I'm not saying I won't get married at some point, I'm just saying I don't really see the point in it, in general.

One main reason I wanted to get married was so that when I finally pass on, the state wouldn't take everything I worked so hard for, and it could be properly handled by my family. As of right now, that's still the only reason that I can think of it being worthwhile. And if a girlfriend I'm really in love with wants to; y'know, for her.


Any feedback on this one?

Sometimes, even married people wonder what it's really all about.

I'm not religious, but there is something solidifying about being married that came somewhat unexpected to me. Whether it's the public, private, or legal commitment or a societal recognition I don't know. Or even the weight on the labels themselves...I loved my guy while he was my boyfriend, but as my husband it does lend a security, and finality to the relationship. I do think marriage is still relevant and worthwhile, even if I have questioned its relevance in the past.

That's another thing: divorces can be very costly, very drawn out, and hell for all parties involved; the whole "Finality" thing I've brought into question even with my psychiatrist back in my late 20s/early teens.

And from my understanding, over 50% of marriages in my country end in divorce; so to me, the whole "finality" thing goes right out the window with that.

besides, do the families and friends really want to keep taking part in wedding after wedding when one marriage doesn't work out? I'd feel bad for them in that regard.

I never thought I'd have sex before marriage as it was super taboo in the Mormon Church. Half the time in our girls youth group was spent planning our wedding and reinforcing the value of chastity. Now that I'm out of the Morg and in a stable long term relationship the question of whether marriage is worth it keeps coming up in my mind. Right now I'm leaning towards no. If I was a man it would probably be hell no, as there are serious issues with divorce law. Guys get screwed whether they're married or not when it comes to custody rights.

I can see myself being happy with this man forever, but I don't need a to pay for a piece of paper to feel like a respectable woman, or to gain his trust. My parents don't act like they care, although I'm sure my Mormon mom prays for me every night. His grandpa expressed how he wanted to see another wedding, and that was the only time that I've felt bad about not considering a public ceremony. There are so few people we would invite that it almost seems silly to me. Neither we nor our families could afford one anyway.

One benefit to marriage is that my boyfriend could be on my health insurance because I don't think he has any atm. Common law marriage is recognized in Texas, but I have to learn the ins and outs before feeling comfortable with the idea.

Neither of us is interested in paying taxes and I personally have never made enough not to get them back. I'm not sure how we could benefit in this respect. Are they really benefits for every married couple, anyway? I don't want either of us to be stuck with each other's debt, but ideally we wouldn't have any.

I've started to wear a ring that my aunt gave me because I have a lot of male customers and I'm not good at telling when they're interested and when they're just flirting for funsies. Flirting is one of the easiest forms of interaction for me, but it's not easy for me to draw a line.

My mothering instincts have hinted at adoption sometime in the future, as we don't want to procreate, but I doubt they let unmarried couples adopt. Common-law would be a different story.

Overall I'm too young at mid-twenty to make a decision like this. My brain has barely finished developing! Yet in my Mormon days I would have been horrified not to have been married by now. I would say that I hope to see changes in the law re: divorce, alimony, paternity rights, etc., but as I am for a stateless society I don't see much benefit in having laws anyway.

I'm married because I believe that's the right next step after finding the man I was looking for... yeah, I was looking, even though I tried to tell myself I wasn't... I met him, and something felt complete that I didn't even know was otherwise. I wasn't afraid to sign a piece of paper, and make promises and commitments. I'm not afraid the marriage will just fail. Relationships don't just happen, and they don't just happen to fail. Any time something that is supposed to continue doesn't, it's because someone, maybe more than one person, did something to contribute to its failure. It only takes one person to give up on a marriage, or to destroy it... but most of the time, both parties, sooner or later, gave up without recognizing that it won't always be beautiful, but it always can be again, and that you don't have to wait for it to be beautiful, you take action to make it that way. You remember what is good about the other. You accept them as they are now. And you quit acting like a pack of worldly expectations equal some kind of inalienable right.

Well, that was a lecture. The way I figure it, if you're that willing to commit, what do you need to be afraid of a piece of paper for? I didn't just enter into this to feed my need for approval, or sex, and certainly not for kids. I respect the institution of marriage and I maintain it. And yeah, I believe in waiting for sex until marriage, because I respect that, too. It saddens me to see it cheapened, knowing what it can be between two people with their minds in the right place. I have too many privacy issues to be able to handle seeing sex scenes in the movies anyhow, and I certainly don't need memories of past lovers floating into my head in a private moment! That's just how my brain does things, too... very irritating.

So that's my reasons. Not very clear, but it's a tricky subject. I know what I mean, at least...

I was married, it didn't work out in the end, but I never once regretted it. We are still good friends. I blame myself for the marriage not working, because at the time, I was unaware that I had ASD. I couldn't cope with the co-habiting and the social requirements, which consequently brought longer and longer periods of depression. I felt a misfit.

So many people devalue the importance of a diagnosis, but had I known then, I could perhaps have had the help I needed, and not have felt like I was a nasty person who didn't try hard enough.

For all it's worth, it was an experience. I take all the positive things it brought me, I wish it had been different at the time, for both our sakes.

But I am at peace now, because my ex husband, knows about my ASD, and he has been the most wonderful, caring, and dearest friend one could wish for. There is no more romantic love, only friendship love, and that one, has to be the most rewarding one of all.

Looks like I *did* choose a great guy regardless.

I still fail to see the point of marriage. If you are together with your partner and it is something solid, how is marriage going to make ti any better? It just seems like an excuse to have a big pointless celebration followed by a over priced honeymoon, things you can actually do without marriage.

I didn't have an over sized celebration, nor an over priced honeymoon.

It was a simple ceremony with just 2 witnesses. The honeymoon was later on, in Greece, and on a budget. It was a well deserved holiday.

I understand some people not wanting to marry, I don't think I would want to do it again, but to generalise it? Not everyone has to make a big deal out of it. It's more about the couple than it is about anyone else.

I was married for a few years,,,, it didn't work due to me being unable to have that close relationship an NT wanted,, I felt controlled and suffocated.. we parted on civil terms..I doubt ill remarry at my age,,don't see a real reason to.. my son is raised,, I have my own asserts which will go in a trust to support my son,, I do not want to endanger that for him. I found dating vs living 24/7 with someone to be totally different experiences,, I was unable to make the neccessary adjustments.

Also I am seriously wondering ,, with people living to 80s and 90s..if being with someone for life in this world is possible for most.

I still fil to see the point :/ but being a celibate I doubt I ever will.

I feel marriage has more to do with economics than anything else. If offspring are a result of this union the children will have someone to guarantee their support until they themselves become wage earners. If children are produced and there is not a father, raising and providing for them becomes the responsibility of society.

If the right man came along, and it meant a lot to him, and was legal in our state, I'd get married.

However, I'm not a big believer in marriage. To me, it's more powerful to wake up each day and choose to be with my partner, not because of some contract we made, but because it is in our hearts to do so. Each day is a renewal and fresh commitment of love. Is this for everyone? No; I think many people would take the easy road and use this as justification to leave when things are a little difficult. I am not this type of person, though.

Marriage is important to me when it comes to certain things like health benefits, patient's rights, and all the other legal rights that come with it. I wish we didn't need marriage to do all that, but it is what it is.

I'm also not religious, so I definitely don't need my relationship validated by some religious institution. I am Taoist.

Hard hitting, but to me that sounds pretty accurate to how society works.

Reproductive control and parental rights are unbalanced, favoring the mother. Even if offspring are born outside of the union, current laws force the male to pay child support for a child that he potentially did not want. She can lie about birth control or whether she is ovulating and can refuse to get an abortion. If she wants to continue with the pregnancy, she can give it up for adoption, or legally abandon it. Only she can decide whether she wants to become a parent. If she does, she can limit the amount of time he can spend with his child. But she is not held personally responsible for the baby's financial support. Who wants to pay for a child he never gets to see? Not many, so society foots the bill.

In a recent blog post, Kristina Hansen argues for legal paternal surrender, and "Why equal protective rights benefit everyone." Not only do our taxes pay for welfare, but for keeping open our prisons, a large population of which are fatherless, abused, and under-parented.

Whether you get married or not, as a male you are pretty much screwed if you have a child and/or your woman decides to end the relationship.

Don't get me started on alimony.


from Stephen O'Brien's, "Why women need the men's human rights movement"

Just a few more ways the state is inefficient and harmful.

The overlooked point is that marriage is supposed to be a solidifying contract FOR LIFE.

Rather than merely being together until one or the other pisses someone off enough to end things and walk away - two people make legal, contractual vows to stay together and make things work no matter what (rich OR poor, sick AND health, etc.) No walking away at the drop of a hat.


...or so it's supposed to be. If divorce is such an easy (and sometimes beneficial) option, there's no reason NOT to walk away and laugh - eliminating the whole point of getting married at all.