I think i'm f*cked....

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Need to rant a little, need to see if anyone has any insights, need your help guys.

I realise I haven’t been around here recently, life has seriously been s**t and I’ve found it real hard to find the mental space to think about anything other than work, my kids and my wife. So, please forgive.

Well. Seems I f****d up seriously. Not intentionally of course, but hell, when does that make any difference? My AS is becoming a serious chore.

Things haven’t been going well in my marriage. My wife is only just coming to terms with my AS despite having known about it for years (official diagnosis 2 years ago). The same old story it seems, she recently admitted thinking she could ‘change’ my various AS traits, even try using marriage counselling to ‘fix’ my thinking and the way I act – something which as you all will know isn’t something people with AS consciously do to be an arse - despite me trying hard to inform her about AS, despite pointing her at books and online resources. Which she only just purchase last week (Maxine Aston stuff) and has only read half of one book, and now she’s stopped… I think she read about Maxine’s ‘Cassandra’ thing…

Anyway, I am not meeting her needs, she feels like she has a third child in the marriage, she’s fed up with "everything being about you", she’s fed up with my bad memory, inability to read her mind (my wording, but it amounts to it), the fact that I overload quickly, especially in high emotion situations, the fact that I question things I don’t understand or don’t agree with, the fact that I disagree with her when she wants a new pair of shoes when she already has 17 and bluntly doesn’t need them (for example), especially when all the income into the house is from myself and she moans wherever I want to spend £10 on Spotify a month (which I cancelled at her behest because it’s a waste of money…).

Well anyway, it’s her birthday. I asked her to write a list of things she would like, she doesn’t do it, I ask again, she tells me verbally, but I ask her again – reminding her again that I won’t remember it. But she doesn’t. I know NOW I should have written it down myself, but I took it for granted that she would and then of course, things distract me and I forget. So it comes to the crunch, I’ve bought a nice card, bought some chocolates I know she likes for the kids to get her, two other cards (1 each for the kids) and because I know she likes scented candles (she’s been burning them recently) I buy her some as well as a flickering candle (one of those with the wick deep inside that you light and it looks nice on the mantelpiece. I also book a hotel room for a night, organise babysitting, book a restaurant I KNOW she likes. Get home, get the kids to draw some nice stuff in the cards (they’re young) write my card, present it all real nice. I even bought her an Almond Macaroon too (she loves them).

… ok keep in mind, this is the women who hates money in the card and hates gift certificates (because they lack the personal thought etc), wouldn’t even have me go clothes shopping with her because I'm a drag to have around when she's doing it, has never listened to or used any music I have ever purchased for her despite the fact she liked the artists – except one of course (Queen), and that ended up as an argument when she couldn’t figure out how to rip a CD to her iPod …

So, it turns out that my present was ‘crappy ass’. She hates the fact that the candles were from a supermarket (“AND you got me some for xmas – oh yes, and those were scents YOU like” […oh… you told me which type of scents you wanted!??...]), that the flickering candle was LED based (whoops!), she gave it immediately to our daughter. Seems she wanted clothes and/or a gift certificates – go figure!

Also, her friend buys her a scented candle, a bag to wear when she’s out running and some Almond biscotti, and its like THOSE are the best present she has ever had…

Also, I took time off work, I did the laundry, cleaned the house, played with the kids to give her a break from them, got lunch etc… even went and bought a couple of bunches of flowers and a 25 quid iTunes gift certificate with a sorry card (cos of the ‘crappy ass’ present).

And she tells me ‘it’s one of the worst birthdays she's ever had’

So, anyway, of course I emotionally overload, so after doing the last load of laundry and I go for a shower (which I missed in the morning to make sure the kids were dressed and breakfast was ready so she didn’t have to do it) and the shower relaxes me, I get dressed, I go to lie down on the bed to chill for a few minutes… (3:30pm)

… and the next I know I’m waking up at 6:30 with my son and daughter bouncing on me….

Fuuuuck… ! !?!?! could it get any worse????

So I missed making the dinner for the kids, missed ordering a Chinese (which I did after kids where in bed)….

So yup. No longer wants to go to the hotel overnight, or the restaurant and tells me I should go myself as she needs the space (oh, yeh, and by the way, the hotel/restaurant combo was something she did for my birthday – so its crap and thoughtless).

And she tells me ‘it’s the worst birthday I’ve ever had’

So now, after tears (mine – I can’t deny) she now loves me but is not romantically in love with me I mean "how could you romantically love a child - i'm like your carer", and she wants space – which essentially looks like she doesn’t want me in the house any more.

I really, really don’t know what to do anymore…

Is there anything I can do to resolve any of this?

Anyone?

Or am I f****d?

You are trying harder to fix things than any man I know, THAT INCLUDES NT's, and that makes you a very honorable man. Your a tough bloke, and I agree, if she is not trying to understand herself, which it seems like she isn't, go to counseling yourself. When all else fails, find a gal who is into AS guys, or you know can cope, and fall in love with her. A gal who understands AS and may be into it, and a man like you should stay together for a long time. Your toughing something out most NT men are too much of a lazy jack*** to tough out themselves, your a bad***, Just to let you know.

i found an aspie gal, and i could not be happier. and more amazed she really "gets" me like nobody else. and vice-versa. aspie gals are the way to go! i do hope the OP finds himself in a similar situation in the near future, the VERY near future. but i hope even more that his wife wakes up and realizes the value of what she is jeopardizing.

To be honest, I think she is being really harsh with you and you're totally right, she really doesn't get it. I don't understand how she fails to see how much effort you are making....
I'm young and I don't have experience with things like that so I don't know what advice to give, but I hope everything works for the best. If she makes the effort and try to understand it could go so much better.

she is behaving horribly, probably to give you an excuse to break up with her. how much more are you willing to put up with?

She is treating you terribly. Don't let her make you believe that it is your fault, you have made a massive effort. Anyone else would have loved what you did, in fact, I thought people only did all that in movies!!

She sounds very controlling, referring to herself as your 'carer' seems to be a way of forcing you to feel inferior to her. This way, all the decisions about your life get to made by her.

You sound like an amazing and loving guy.

Good luck and don't be downtrodden

She sounds like a real diva. You are the one making hte dough and you went out of your way to help her out on her birthday. I think the lesson learned here is: the more you cared, the harder you tried and the worse things got. It was probably better if you just didn't tell her what you were going to do for her birthday or didn't even bother asking. Just get her something with your own thought put into it.

I of course would recommend writing a letter telling her your emotional frustration over the fact that you tried hard for her and it went unappreciated. Really let her have it. You have nothing to lose by doing that. And don't feel guilty if she doesn't like your communication of what you felt.

Well, she's asked me to move out this morning...

Maybe it's too late, but anyway for anyone who's facing similar situation:


The fact that's she not reading or asking about AS only means that she really doesn't care much about your condition and you. Your marital problems have nothing to do with AS in my opinion, based on your side of the story, the problem is the wife herself.

When a wife constantly nags about silly materialistic things like gifts not being from prestigious stores and when she nags if you spend little on yourself but ok for herself .... all this only means that she has someone else in mind, a wealthier man or a slave-man who's willing to buy her anything she wishes for, and once she makes the deal with the other man then she's gonna divorce you, I am pretty sure there's a another man in the picture already, Moridin.

Is her friend a male by the way? just curious but for you it doesn't really matter who.

That what you should do (or what you should have done months ago):
- Cry if necessary till you stonify your heart, you're gonna need a stone heart and a reasonable mind to proceed, go "Vulcan" mode.
- Go with the flow with her as much as you can to delay her move, buy her what she wants for a while, mind you she'll still gonna finds things to nag about and demand for more and more, as long you're not as wealthy as the 'other' then nothing is gonna satisfy her but keep playing along as much as you can afford in order to win time.
- Strengthen twice and even thrice your bond with your kids, do not miss little things like making them dinner or taking them out, anything can be used against you in the court and you need to make your kids more attached to you. Take whatever vacation days left from work.
- Read what other things makes you gain points in custody case, and act accordingly. And check what things that can make her lose custody points and gather evidences and proofs for them. Don't ever think of seeing another woman.
- Hire an infidelity private investigator, getting proof she's cheating would give you much bonus points for custody court, I think it's the case in your laws too.
- Yes, I am evil.


Maybe it's too late for Moridin but this can be useful for other married men facing the same s**t.

Thanks for support everyone. I really appreciate it.

So, here I am sitting on my parents sofa, listening to their bad music and trying not to wince. I really need to get drunk or stoned or something, but my particular brand of AS means I can't tolerate alcohol and I don't have access to any weed. But hell, i'd only be kicking the can down the road anyway.

... So now I am wondering how the hell i'm going to cope with work next week, how i'll cope with seeing my kids for an hour on the weekend (cos that's all I will get) without crying in front of them (in public - which is always stressful for me anyway), how i'll get any f*****g sleep at all without having to totally exhaust myself mentally first... and of course wondering what the f**k I am going to do with myself. My day is usually really busy with work or the kids or cleaning up the house... very little down time.

Oh yeh... and wondering when or if i'll ever find anyone who will ever be able to work with my AS and want to be with an overweight guy in his mid-thirties who snores. I can see my future being very lonely.

God damn... I wish my parents would go out so I could put on something better to listen to...

Message BlueMax, he knows best about coping.

In my opinion she has treated you very badly.I mean you were the only one doing something to save the marriage also you were even the only one who was bringing money in the home....At least she could put you off the stress with daily life.Anyway i wish you well and to find a girl who really appreciates you