I don't know what to do - NT/AS relationship problems.

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Hello WrongPlanet community,

I'm a neurotypical female who has been involved with an aspie male for three years or more. I love him, more than anyone, but I really have messed things up. I hope I won't be judged for saying this - as I do have entirely innocent intentions . I have broken his trust - went to college, had an "experience", it was wrong, I've apologized and we moved past it. Or so I thought. He admitted recently to having problems with us(which I guess I can understand), and things have gone crazy. He's ended up ignoring me, rejecting me, and finally told me he doesn't want to talk. My emotions range from anger, sadness, neutrality, and maybe happiness, as I feel like I've been a burden on him(he has anxiety among other things). But I miss him insanely.
I don't know if his goodbye meant forever. I am pretty sure he is just withdrawing from me, and I'm afraid he won't ever contact me again. He always feels like he can't in these situations. He's talked about this site before so I came here. Can this be fixed? Is it hopeless? I would love to contact him, but maybe that wouldn't be best( I have no idea what to say)... Please help! Have I scared him away for good? I don't want to harass him or bother if it can't be fixed... He loves music so I was hoping to do something with that...

P.S. I'm not a total stranger to Aspergers, Tony Attwood's books have been particularly helpful, but I can't seem to find some advice for the situation anywhere...

your second mistake was confessing the experience. that was sure to hurt him. tell him you respect his need for space and to contact you if he feels the relationship deserves a second chance only when he is ready. tell him if you don't hear from him in six months, you'll assume he has moved on and you will move on, too.

I'm curious to see what others have to say, but thanks for your input.

I don't know if you can fix it or not. A lot depends on a lot of things.

How forgiving is he?

Are you his first gf?

Are you his first sexual partner?

No answers needed, but things to consider.

I would give him some time It's possible that he didn't really forgive you, or wants to forgive but can't. People with AS aren't the best with feelings.

I am not sure how forgiving he is. But he tends to come around, as I've learned to give him space.

I'm not his first girlfriend, though I believe he loved me the most out of his exes(If possible. I am not trying to sound like a braggart, here. Just my honest opinion. We talked about marriage and a life together in the future).

And no, I'm not.

I'm afraid that perhaps I have pushed him too much...Harassed him. I don't know. No, I haven't really been obsessive, in terms of trying to get in contact. I just think I've scared him away with my overwhelming feelings. I'm usually quite happy - this separation is making me realize a lot of things. I'm not exactly willing, or ready to give up on him yet. I would drop him an email and do what a previous poster suggested, but I'm pretty clueless on what to say - especially if he's tuning me out. Then he may not feel anything...

Cheated on your boyfriend, upset with you. Find a new boyfriend and try not to cheat on that one. You broke this one.

Pretty much this. Aspies are usually the last people on earth to forgive a betrayal.

Have to agree with the others here - once trust is broken it hardly ever gets rebuilt as solid as it once was, if it ever can be rebuilt. Aspies are very trusting, gullible even (sorry everyone, at least this is true for me). So to betray (especially by cheating - and for me it is the emotional betrayal in cheating, not the physical part) that hurts the most.

If you loved (love) him "more than anything" - no amount of curiosity for having "an experience" would have you hurting him in the way you have. If I love someone, that's it - no one else even comes on the radar. If someone new does attract me, that is a clear loud warning signal I am not truly committed to my partner and the relationship I am in is sure to be doomed. Sorry - but I think he is right to walk away.

Hind sight is always golden. Maybe you will learn from this and not make this mistake in the future with anyone else.

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Last edited by daisysunflower on 24 May 2013, 2:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No. Just no. It's not honesty that hurts your partner, it's cheating. Confessing is just giving them what they deserve, the ability to make an informed decision regarding whether or not to continue the relationship.

All this about how admitting to it will hurt them is just justification for trying to get away with it, rather than accepting the consequences of your actions like a mature adult.

I don't know how someone could cheat on their partner, make a fool of them, spend the rest of the relationship lying to them (and yes, lying by omission is still lying), all the while claiming to love the person.

Yes, if you admit to cheating, your partner might (and should) leave you. But the time to worry about that is before you cheat, not after. It is their right to decide for themselves whether or not they want to stay with a cheater, and to deny them that information is to wrong them further.

Wow. That is so Spot On. :applause:

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Last edited by daisysunflower on 24 May 2013, 3:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Straight from the mare's mouth. This is why I don't bother with monogamy, folks. Go sow them oats wild and free! Even if you can muster the self control not to tap every hot piece of ass that comes your way, there's no guarantee your girlie won't be using logic like this.

I know it sucks, but I applaud you, Tori, for your honesty. We need more women like you (minus the cheating part, that was naughty).



+1

Trust is what makes or breaks a relation. You had two options:

- Confess it to him and try everything you can to be there for him while he tries to cope with it. Result: You might keep him.
- Keep it as some dark secret that will either wedge you apart or come out eventually. Either way it will absolutely wither him. Result: You will lose him.

I can only talk for myself, but if I was your partner, if was done. So I never could trust you ever again, If you simply said: "I am sorry. I dont have that strong felings anymore. I want to end our relationships, because I want to "experience" with other men and dont feel that related to you anymore." it would have been ok. Or "I dont have that intense feelings anymore and feel the desire for experience with other men. I really hope that you can give me that freedom in our relationship, and if not I understand that it need to be ended, because of us not agreeing with each other on that topic." also ok. Thats simply the truth as it is.

But telling someone that you want to have an relationship and suddenly experiencing with others, without agreement of your partner or ending the relationship before. Nope, Sorry. Its a no go. Feelings change and there is nothing to blame about and if thats happening we have to face the truth. But liars that act on purpose we dont have to face.

You are simply a cozy, cheating person that tries to grab as much as you can...so I want to have my experiences, but I dont want to ask if he agrees because he could say no, and I also want to keep my relationship, so I better simply dont ask him... You simply grabbed as much as you can, without caring for your relationship or anyone else beside you. Its not about forgiving, so I could forget this, but anyway if forgiven or not, why should someone be interested to share the rest of his life with a partner, whoms words he never can trust, and where you always need to be suspicious if you get lied again about important stuff. ("Ladida... oh, I wanted to buy myself some cloths these months, but then suddenly these huge bill for electric supply was in the post, and I couldnt have payed the bill and buy myself some cloths, so I simply hid the bill so I can buy my cloths...."

Sorry no. I am not into that etnernal love stuff and so on. Love can fade, love can change, sexual desires can change.... Its ok, as long as you are being honest to each other. Nothing bad about having sexual interest on others, as long as you give your partner the chance to decide on his own, how he wants to deal with the changing of your feelings.

Every Aspie is different. Personally, I would forgive but only on the condition that I see you feel extremely apologetic and promising to make it up for me in a way that would satisfy me enough to forgive.