First date talking points.

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hey guys. some how or another I have ended up with a date next week. I haven't been on one in a few months as I mainly switched from caring about girls to caring about working out and caring about myself instead of trying to get a girlfriend. To be honest I am not really interested in dating currently because of all my past failures and my current strike of self improvement activities (exercising and studying for a career) but I figure why not. nothing to lose.

Anyway I sort of lost all my information from last time I tried to get a girlfriend on what works and what doesn't work. so...

What are some questions or topics that are acceptable talking points/conversation starters for a first date?
What are manners Americans young adults girls are looking for in a date? (IE: paying for dinner, holding doors, etc etc)
what are some do not's that an Aspie might talk/do on a first date that should not be done?

Thanks.

1.) There are a lot of things you can talk about. Here are a few that I frequently use. Talk about hobbies and interests, family (how many brothers/sisters, how often you see them, where they all live, what they do), what you both do for a living and how you enjoy it, what kind of music/movies/TV shows you like, pets if either of you have them, places either of you have traveled to, how long you have both lived in the area, where you both grew up, your surroundings on the date, food. Those should give you at least a good 4 hour-6 hours of things to talk about, and hopefully your date won't last 4-6 hours so you will have some left over for later!

2.) Opening doors will typically win you some brownie points, so try to do it if you can. It is generally expected that the man pays for the date, but it is not nearly set in stone. I have been out with one or two girls who actually refused to let me pay, but they were definitely in the minority. Other than that, just be as nice as respectable as you can!

3.) Don't talk about politics, religion, anything depressing or sad, or anything sexual. You might want to compliment her appearance *once* (something like "You look very nice this evening!"), but on a first date it's probably safer not to, women get really weird when you compliment their appearance and some are actually offended by it. In general, keep the conversation light, don't focus on any overly serious topics.

As a lady, I think I can give you a few pointers on what topics to talk about vs. not talk about. Here goes:

1a) Good : For the first date, I'd suggest sticking mostly to "safe" and generic topics. This might mean ask her about what kinds of things she likes to do in her spare time, about her school and/or work, and so on. You could also talk some about these things.
1b) Not Good: However, not all topics are good...so I would avoid asking any personal questions about sex, where her house is located (women can think men are stalkers due to past experiences...so trust me on this one), do not talk much at all about any of your hobbies that one might consider obsessions. I know that this last one can be hard for a lot of people...but I am just being 100% honest with you. Most people do not want to hear an hour long monologue about a comic book collection, about the various insects from the Amazon, etc.

2a) Good: ALWAYS pay for the meal, IF you want HER to consider it any actual date. Something that NT's do can be referred to as the "check dance." It is odd...so I'll explain it. Instead of being straightforward with her expectations of you to pay...she might say "no, i can get it," or no "I prefer to pay for my own part." DON'T and I repeat DON"T believe her (she may do the check dance 2-3 times)....women do this to show manners and be cordial. However, it 9.5 times out of 10 she really does want you to respond to her thoughtful statement by gently saying, "No really, I've got it...thanks." You may have to say this 2-3 times to counter her dance.
2b) Not Good: If you allow her to pay for her meal or both...you will most likely get stuck in the proverbial "friend zone."

3a) Good: Pull out her chair at the restaurant, if you can remember to do so. Open doors for her. Do not burp, fart, or chew with your mouth open during dinner. Keep your elbows off the table if possible. And please allow her to order what she wants from the menu if you want her to be happy.
3b) Not Good: Interrupting her often when she talks, not making decent eye contact, becoming overly-physical on the first date (maybe a kiss on the cheek at the end is ok). Leave her wanting more...with a small kiss.

That's all I can think of at the moment....have a great date!! !

Lots of good advice here.

There's so much bad advice in this. The above isn't dating, well maybe it was in the Jane Austen era. However, some of the not goods are useful. Beyond that...if you want to jump into the 'another boring man' box, then do all of the above. Don't make many of the mistakes men make because they see the event as some sort of stiff social dance. That might work with some women - but thankfully not those worth bothering with.

First of all...a restaurant on your first date with someone? Don't do it. Many people feel uncomfortable eating with a stranger. Also, if you pay for it straight off the bat - some people have this horrible feeling of owing someone something. It's not a great place to go, and could wreck an otherwise pleasant date. And by paying for it - it makes you wonder if she will want to see you for free meals, and your wallet, not who you are. It happens an awful lot, and after date 6, a man still hasn't got chemistry with a woman - he's just blown a fair bit of cash he could have spent on his future Miss Right (not Miss Entitled). Always go halves, until you know someone better.

People make this mistake of wanting to do cool and expensive things with someone whom they're not even serious with - and when they are serious, they actually never do anything interesting together! I believe it's the other way round - the fun dates come later, after the initial 'getting to know you' has been a success. That way, you know if you are going to be together for good reasons, like actually enjoying each other's personalities and company.

Secondly, sticking to 'safe' topics alone will make you boring. Why not talk about what is going on in the 'now', and the actual environment you are in (which lends itself to humour - which is important), and scaffold this with some safe topics, done sparingly and talked about with interest. However, how you talk about things is more important than what you actually say.

And the date isn't about you impressing her - it's got to be at least equally the other way round - so don't go with the attitide of 'oh, I hope she likes me'...newsflash, maybe you'll not like her, and maybe she'll not be a nice person. If so, cut the date short if it's painfully annoying. If you're not having fun, a glance at a cell phone and a 'I've got to be somewhere else' is fine, if it comes down to it.

This is why a short first date is better than a long one - so you can decide if she's worth your investment and time and money, and doing fun things together when you have at least established the beginnings of a relationship.

Just because she's a woman doesn't automatically make it so.

do people have reading comprehension issues?

OP clearly asked for advice on dating

Unless you are the above, you do not know what is cool so shut it

Another salient point. How does she do it?

OP can decide what is useful for himself.

Yes, I also hope he will take and leave the various points shared here. I forgot to mention...although it is good to follow most of the basic social rules listed above...don't forget to be loose enough to joke around, as long as it is not at the expense of her. Since it's my guess that you are just beginning to get to know her...take it slow and pay attention to what she likes. If she seems free-spirited enough to play a little question game with her at the table...then go for it. For instance, you could ask her three things she loves and three of her pet peeves. I've always found that if both people go with the natural flow/current of the date...it tends to be fun for both parties!

If you could divorce money from the date more or less (but not quite) altogether, that would be good.

If I see someone for the first, sometimes second time, I don't see it as a date - and wouldn't call it as such. I see it as a meet-up. Now, that might sound like a case of semantics, but it's not - it changes my viewpoint, my behaviour, and actually gives me more freedom. Which helps make things more fun - I mean, it's supposed to be fun, right?

Dating's what teenagers do, when all's said and done.

*Face palm* A date is not an interview. If someone started reeling off questions to interrogate me ("do you have any pets? What TV programs do you like?") I would be extremely bored and restless and would NOT see the person again. I don't have a problem with answering those sorts of questions if they crop up naturally in a conversation, but there would be nothing worse than feeling that the other person was working his way through a checklist of questions he had planned to ask.

You can't "plan" what to say on a date. It just happens. Each person is different. You might get into a two-hour conversation about the Meaning of Life and both enjoy it. You might each go home at the end of the date not knowing whether the other person has any pets or family, or what their favourite colour is, but who cares? The important thing is that you both enjoy one another's company.

Edit: I agree with Octobertiger. I don't think I've ever been on a formal "date." I have just sort met people, and then met up with them again. When meeting up, I just talk naturally about anything that comes into my head (within reason)! I have never had a "checklist" with which to interrogate people, and thankfully so far no one has ever interrogated me, either.

you guys, even just hanging out with people is a lot different in the States than it is in the UK. British people are different in the way they relate to others whether it be friendship, dating or business.

In the States, I will walk into a party where I don't know anyone except the host and will chat to everyone there and they will be happy to meet me and chat with me. In the UK, I will go to a party and people will be stilted, and guarded and I'd be lucky if I speak to 2 new people about the weather.

In the US it is normal and expected for the guy to pick up the check (that means pay the bill). In the UK people are very tight with their money and even when the guys pay they will b***h about it behind their date's back even though their girlfriends are too poor or whatever (thinking of 2 specific examples now, one guy is 24 yrs old and the other is 32)

I have no data on teenagers but the one's that hang around my sports club seem to be dedicated to going wherever free food and booze exists. It's funny, there is one guy there who is from the US and he has been standing out like a sore thumb for the first few months until he figured out how to fit in. They still make fun of him when he does things that are obviously non British.

Dates with girls are about being able to tune into her emotional state and figure out what she wants and needs without her having to ask. Good luck with that.

So, based on these "two specific examples" of British people you know, you are tarring the entire UK population with the same brush, and declaring us all to be stingy when it comes to money?



I could return the favour and say that, based on this one single example of a generalising American that I've just encountered in an Internet forum (that's assuming you are indeed American) I now conclude and proclaim wherever I go that all Americans make sweeping generalisations about British people. But I would know better than to do that.

Being generous or tight is entirely dependent on A. your personality and B. the attitudes that have been instilled in you from your upbringing and C. how much money you have to throw around. It is not dependent on the country in which you were born. However, since you appear to want to talk about whole nations rather than individuals, here is a report indicating that the UK is the fifth most charitable country in the world. Granted, the US came out number one, but number five is still not low enough in the ranks to qualify us as "tight."

https://www.cafonline.org/media-office/ ... table.aspx




Yes, we Brits know what that means, thank you. Due to having all your Hollywood films and TV shows imposed on us, we are perfectly familiar with American slang and vocabulary. The same does not usually apply in reverse.

Most Americans don't normally know what I'm talking about if I talk in British vocabulary. You appear to be the exception, because you've apparently sampled both cultures. I have never been to the US, and frankly I'm not sure I would want to go if all Americans base their opinions of an entire population on two acquaintances.

I think you need to *facepalm* again @LogicalMolly. Just to make sure you got it covered.

I don't understand. I didn't do any facepalms.

Do you mean I went on for too long as usual?

Sorry, Leafplant, for ranting. I just don't like it when people generalise about entire nations of people.

Edit: oh, you mean that facepalm! I forgot about that one. It was so long ago.

(LogicalMolly has quite a bad short-term memory).

Oh excuse me, I'm going to sneeze *atchoo* oh not again *achoo!*

I've got some cake. It's very tasty. Tasty cake. Everyone welcome to a slice.

Last edited by octobertiger on 09 Nov 2013, 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.