How do I handle young adult autistic boyfriend

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Hello. My boyfriend denies he's autistic and he claims that his parents only forced a doctor to diagnose him as autistic so he can get ODSP benefits (Ontario Disability Support Program) to pay off his car insurance. I believed this for the whole 1.5 years we've been together, even though I already noticed something irregular about his behavior even before his autism was brought up. I am slightly uneducated about autism and I can only base most of my perspective from Google research and my friend's son who has autism and compared to my friend's son, my boyfriend is way too smarter than him. My boyfriend can make eye contact and do what most normal people can do including working.

The problem lies in his behavior, preferences and interaction. He can't be persuaded into doing something against his will. I would call it stubborn on some degree but over time I just realized he is something more complicated than being stubborn. He is very picky on food and I have to prepare his food in a particular way or he won't eat it. It's frustrating. He eats pretty much the same thing every week because he eats a limited range of food. He's also very eccentric and I can honestly say I've rarely had a normal adult conversation with him throughout our relationship. He just makes everything into a laughing matter and he totally has difficulty acting appropriately to the situation. He's typically rude. When it's just the two of us, all he does is crack sexual jokes and he swears at me even though I make it clear each time that I do not appreciate the way he's talking. Most times, I'd catch him mumbling random sexual and morbid stuff like, oh i wanna kill you, i wanna stick my dick in my gf's ass, f**k, c**t, dick, vagina. Something along those lines where nothing makes sense but it's disturbing.

When he's confronted he doesn't wanna be wrong and he will justify his actions without proper logic and make me or another person look bad so he won't be held accountable for any mistake. Now most of it is typical teenager traits but he seems so detached with the way he responds and he can't seem to feel the intensity of the situation and all he does is laugh inappropriately even when it's serious. It's frustrating!

I'm only human and he is seriously driving me insane. He has high needs and demands and I don't really wanna complain cause he provides me everything financially but I lose all patience once he starts verbally abusing me. I literally have to throw a fit myself before I can sort him out.

I actually agree now that despite his abilities, he's autistic. I love this man with all that I am and I am ready to be there for him and give him all that he needs. I just don't know how given his condition.

Any input will be much appreciated. Thanks!

It doesn't seem to me like your boyfriend fits the profile for a diagnosis of Autism (usually connotes low functioning individuals), A.S. perhaps, but Autism is a whole other ball of wax. Some of the tendencies you described are quite consistent with A.S., while others more closely fit the profiles of a variety of conditions folks here may not be so versed in. A diagnosis of Autism, valid or not, doesn't exclude the possibility of completely different processes at work. I think his ignorance of your disapproval is probably the biggest red flag I'd spot if I were evaluating your post strictly on the basis of ASDs, but quite a number of entirely separate conditions could better explain his standoffish behavior. I can't speak to the exact nature of what that might be, but nowhere in any study of Autism Spectrum have I seen a direct semblance of what you're describing. I think you should try to explain to him that one inconclusive diagnosis doesn't mean anything in particular for the two of you, and that he doesn't have to pattern his actions around it.

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Actually many of the things you mentioned are not unique to autism and having that combination of traits certainly does not indicate autism. For example, I am autistic yet I do none of the things that you mentioned. Stubborn and often inappropriate neurotypicals do actually exist.

You should read a little more on Autism. I would suggest the guide to aspergers by Tony Attwood. You might actually find that those traits that you mentioned aren't really highlighted in that text, there are better indicators of autism out there.

I'm going to go against the other people's opinions and say he probably is autistic and just in denial. The factors listed aren't anything conclusive, but they are more so when given the information he was in fact diagnosed. Anyway, you really need to talk to him and get him to accept he is what he is so he can work on fixing his behavior, and you need to make it quite clear what's wrong with his behavior and present it in a logical manner. Place an ultimatum if needs be and you have any leverage.

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to L&D)

What made you fall for him (other than his huge dick)?

Drawing on my life experiences, which includes being a recovering alcoholic, this scenario brings to my mind the second dimension of many relationships involving people with assorted diagnoses: codependence.

As I seek to help others, it is at least as much, if not more, important for me to be knowledgeable of what codependence is, my own tendencies toward it, and of how first to take care of myself. I have had to do a lot of research into codependence, and even make it the focus of some psychotherapy, in order not to get sucked into unhealthy and potentially abusively harmful relationships.

I detected there's something wrong with him after a week of dating. He didn't talk much unless it's about cars, which I know nothing about. All he did was stare at me and say I'm cute every 5 minutes or so. I thought it was amusing at first and I gave him a chance I mean he could just be shy. I'm an introvert and I have social anxiety so I can sorta relate but I am very good at dealing with new people.

A couple months later, he shared how he didn't start speaking until the age of 6 and when I asked why, he said it's cause his brother mainly did the talkin for him and he didn't feel required to learn? That totally didn't make sense.

Much later on, like a month ago I learned from his mom he was diagnosed with ASD, aspergers, bipolar and adhd. I don't know if his mom's just makin up stuff to manipulate her son or if all of that is true. Like his mom said he's supposed to take seroquel and risperdal but he refuses. I don't know. His mom has some loose screws and she's been in trouble with the law countless times due to her mental illness. Well I just know his problem is in that ASD category for sure and everything made sense to me. He doesn't really believe he has any problem and when this issue comes up, he's good at pointing out everyone's flaws and turning things around, like when I'm trying to bring up his behavior he tells me I'm psycho and everybody's rejected me, which is sorta true, and I just start feeling like crap so I keep quiet. It doesn't help that he's so disconnected. His natural response to a grave situation is laughter and smiles. He can never tell when enough is enough. He is so rough whenever he's trying to be affectionate, he asks for too much sex, I clean up after his mess, I make him food every single day, I do whatever he asks me, I'm basically his babysitter. All I want is he'd stop swearing at me and that he'd reciprocate the respect I give him and cooperate a little with the neat and order in the house. He thinks it's all a joke when I'm mad and I blatantly tell him, it's no longer funny and he just knows how to push my buttons. He's also the same way to his family but I guess they've learned how to deal with it.

When he was in 8th grade he was placed in a special needs class but according to him, his teacher put him back to a regular class because he's too smart and he's nothing like the kids in special needs. He also took some ESL class I think which is weird cause English is his native language. I do see how he sorta has an odd way of talking compared to his siblings and peers. He can't write in cursive too. He's very good at Math though.

I want to point out, that its only an prejudice, that as an autistic you need to behavior like an as*hole. I cant tell if your partners autistic, but he definitely seems like an abusive as*hole to me. O_o

My fiancé has Asperger's and has never spoken that way. That's a little scary! I would be concerned too. Mine rarely even cusses, but when he does its hysterical because he is usually so quiet. Mine also doesn't yell and will hardly raise his voice when he is upset. It sounds like there may be an underlying cause of this, but I agree it doesn't fit an Aspie.

You're in an abusive relationship, and rather than waste time speculating about why your boyfriend is an abusive a***hole, you'd better off ditching him.

I agree with Marcia! I would leave him, it sounds like way more than someone who has Asperger's. This isn't typical behavior.