"don't worry the gurls will come around sooner or later

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I stumbled upon my 8th grade yearbook in my closet last week. I am 27, so this was 12 years ago. Included in the signatures section are two comments that I couldn't help but be disappointed at:

"Keep searching for the right girl, they will soon figure out that you're a stud-muffin!" - From a boy

"Hey sexy, don't worry the gurls will come around sooner or later." - From a girl

They disappointed me because after all of this time I am still single and have never got off the ground.

Right around 5th grade or 6th grade, my classmates starting having crushes on other classmates. I had this girl I had a crush on also. However, I could never find the courage to ask her out, or even make conversation with her. Then other girls came along whom I started to have crushes on. Same result: couldn't ask them out nor could I make conversation with them.

All while my friends found a way to make these so-called "middle school relationships" happen, and happen flawlessly. Because everyone I knew and was sort of close with had a "girlfriend," I wanted one too. Never happened.

All I wanted, and all I still want, is someone to DATE. Then we'll see where we go from there.

I painfully watched as all the girls I had crushes on loved someone else other than me. There was nothing for me to learn from these moments to help me become successful down the road. In high school, there was this one girl from a neighboring school that I had a huge crush on. However, before I could fine-tune my conversation abilities with her, some stud athlete/rich kid swept her away from my sights. They started during our senior year (she is the same age as me) and it worked out through all four years of college, despite going to seperate colleges 100 miles apart.

Then came that moment that you knew they were going to be together for the rest of their lives. If relationship statuses were like a ladder, the top would be marriage, the next rung down would be the proposal, and the next rung down is that feeling when the bond starts to forge together permanently - that's the stage that this girl and this boy were at when I went through my first relationship-oriented mental breakdown. Knowing that the road was laid out for them and I could do nothing about it was a very difficult feeling. This was the girl that I considered perfect for me, and I knew I would go to great lengths to make her happy - if I could only get past my social imperfection barriers. They are now married with kids.

Up until recently (which will be discussed later in this post) I never really had a crush on a girl after that moment. I felt lost and thought to myself that I guess I don't know how to love. It made me think about all of my imperfections, and wondering what it was going to take in order to fix all of these:

Asperger's itself
Poor dental hygiene
Only shaving when I feel like it
Being 5'7" and 320 pounds with a BMI probably off the charts
Working nights at a gas station (5 days/week)
Barely affording rent, bills, insurance
The bad habit of not picking up after myself
Not having up-to-date technology
Not having friends (I have Facebook, but I have classmates on there just to keep tabs)
Not having anybody around me that is in my situation, or has AS
Having things that aren't current or appealing (like my dinged up Grand Am)
... and that's just for starters, as I'm sure there is a few more.

I feel that I have 10x more imperfections that I do perfections. My family is always telling me that I have more perfections than imperfections, but I think they're doing that to make me feel happy. I don't know how my family can help me - my parents are stuck in the 80s and cannot seem to grasp how things are like in this present day, and my grandparents are always stuck in the 50s. I used to ask them for advice back in school, but that advice just turned out to be outdated. I can't use 1950s or 1980s advice to get a girl in the 2000s (we've evolved from going out to eat and seeing a movie at the theatre, haven't we?).

Perfections? I guess I'm always willing to help out those friends that are close. Some say I have a heart of gold, but even I dispute that. That's all I can think of, as anything else is best determined by other people. Oh, and I guess I'm a nice person.

Having all of these imperfections, I wanted to try to fix one of them (being 320 pounds). One of my single female classmates just happened to be in the same boat, but not as heavy. This was one year ago. We kept tabs on our progress through Facebook posts, and was at the point where we would exchange messages on our progress. We could never really arrange to make it to the gym at the same time.

Because I went from my lonely self to finding a female that was at least messaging me, there was that instinct inside me that said "improve on this and see if you can do more things together." That never happened. Some more macho guy came and took her away, and 6 months later they are at the point where the bond is starting to forge into a permanent relationship. Marriage is imminent. Like a strange flashback, I started feeling the same way I felt back when that "girl of my dreams" from high school started that permanent bond with her future husband. We just sort of drifted apart from that point.

Next up was this attractive new co-worker. I was able to break the communication barrier with her, and sort of get out of my shell because of her. She had this off-and-on with a couple of boyfriends and both eventually broke up. Single now, I wanted to try to make my moves and see how a relationship with me and her would work out. She was (and still is) everying I could imagine, moreso than that girl in high school. She is talking with me, for crying out loud! I haven't had a friend like this since I was in grade school. My kindness, or whatever, seemed to mean a lot to her, but I think my many imperfections caused a delay in connecting. She is one of those country girls that loves country boys and motorcycles and I have no personality whatsoever.

I wanted to sacrifice my interests in order to ensure that a future relationship would be possible. I cut out almost all of my pro and college sports followings. I even cut back in high school sports journalism - which is my Asperger's-based narrow interest.

Then a month ago some guy came into her life and swept her away from me. He walked in through the gas station doors one night while she was working, and that was it. Move after move after move after move, bam bam bam. It's only been a month and they are already at the point where a proposal and marriage are imminent. I had never seen love evolve that quickly. I am very happy for her because life hadn't been going well for her in the past couple of years, and this man is someone that can help her. His ex even said that God was meant to put them two together. Really?

While I am happy for her, I'm even more shaken about these events than before. This was Miss Everything for me, without a doubt. It's pretty much sucking the life out of me. I swear this man has such a stranglehold on her that it is drifting apart the best friendship I have ever had since grade school because we seem to be talking to each other less and less. That's two girls that went from single to apparently-forever, and the second quicker than the first.

Basically put, I am paranoid right now. I've become so paranoid that my Facebook posts about dealing with this situation are becoming more apparent. I have both this co-worker and her boyfriend on Facebook, but I want to hide these posts from them as to not let them know about my frustrations. Because I don't have any real friends, it's rare for me to even get a "like" for the things that I post. I have written posts and detailed blog entries about my frustrations and hopelessness, and not one ounce of feedback or "like" from anyone on my Facebook.

All of this leads me to believe that no one cares about the situation that I am in, and that no one cares about helping me find something that I've always wanted to feel and everyone else has felt at least in some point of their lives. It's made me think about my classmates telling me to "Shut up!" and "I don't want to hear about your drama!"

One night it came to a head where I had my first sucidial thought - I had dreamed that all of my classmates on Facebook and friends were telling me that the situation I was in was too grave to fix and that I "should just pull the plug on myself." And that it would be a relief for them not to hear about my complaining and whining anymore. Maybe I really am beyond repair.

It's hard to be positive when I have nothing to be positive about. I've learned that I can no longer persue my co-worker best friend for a relationship, despite the fact that she is my only real friend. I don't even think she will understand the situation that I am in. I don't think my family will be reliable help for the reasons I mentioned earlier. In all of this I have become a dark cloud, and who wants to date a dark cloud? This is a huge Catch-22 that I can't seem to get myself out of.

At this point, I'm waiting for that girl to come through the gas station doors while I'm working (just like how my co-worker and her boyfriend found each other). Last week I thought I found one. Only to find out that she has a boyfriend already, without even asking her. Next!

I'm still waiting, and I don't know how much longer I can wait before it all explodes. I threw away my sports interest, my history interest, and my chief narrow interest to make things work out between me and her, and it didn't work. Now I find out that NONE of my interests are going to help me find a girl, even if I go to bars. Do I have to live a lie to help me? I don't feel that is right. The community that I am in is small enough (25,000 population) for me to know who is out there in my age range, who is taken, and who is an undesireable. I am in zero financial shape to move anywhere to start any new beginning, and I would hate to do that because I'm just going to be more lost than what I feel like now.

Seeking out that girl is a very difficult task for me. If I feel that I can't do enough for them, I give up. If I feel like I will be used and abused in any way, I'll back away. All of those girls in the middle are married or on the verge of being married. My greatest worry is that I will find a girl and tell my sad life story, and they'll run away thinking that I'm a predator when I'm really not.

Until then, I'll just be locked away in my house all alone - where I may be spending the rest of my life. Beyond repair. This isn't supposed to happen for someone who is just 27. All I want is to be like those that I know. That's all.

no one "comes around'

It's going to take time to turn things around and there's no guarantee that you'll find someone while you're doing it. I say while, because stuff like that never really ends (life is a journey, not a destination has been overused but I guess maybe because there's some truth to it).

Losing weight would help you feel better. Not to get to some perfect weight, just enough to feel better and improve your image. Yes, people should judge others by character, but things like weight loss, good hygiene, a good haircut (more for women) and shave (for women also, their legs ), clothing that fits, looks nice and is clean show people that you respect yourself.

There's no guarantee that you'll get respect, at least not from everyone you meet (because there are jerks out there), but it's certain that you won't if you look like you don't respect yourself.

Aspergers is a bigger problem. That and having no friends. I think a lot of dating comes from friends helping you find people. And with Aspergers sometimes we need to get off by ourselves and it confuses NTs. I don't have dating experience myself, but from reading a lot of posts here, it seems that we want companionship, but on our terms -- contact when we want it, no contact when we've reached our limit. And that varies from Aspie to Aspie. And many on here say they want a companion who won't bore them with small talk, who shares their special interests.

Are there any Asperger's associations or GRASP meetings in your area? It helps to talk to other Aspies but of course it has its limitations too. But any practice socializing will help. Staying holed up in your house will only make what socializing skills you do have shrivel up more. Work doesn't help. A gas station you mostly take the money and say stuff you have to, not conversations. Most people aren't lingering to chat.

I make a point to make contact at least once a week at my support group and I do much better now than I did a year ago. I'm not dating, but I'm not sure I want to. Friendship is hard enough. Dating is like friendship at a much more sophisticated level.

I feel your pain, pal.

It requires effort and risk to put yourself out there. The overarching trend I noticed from your long post is that you don't seem to be willing to contribute either. You never actually asked out any of these girls you are upset got "snatched away" from you and you don't seem to be attempting to do any of the very basic things (like hygene and weightloss) that could make you more appealing.

I care. I'm just a random person on the internet, but I relate to your problem. I haven't been on a single date in my life and my situation is very unlikely to change any time soon. If you succed then maybe there's hope for me too


I feel that none of my interests will help me either, but I keep them. I try to improve myself, but I do it for me. I don't care if someone else likes my hobbies or not. That may sound egoistic but if I'm never going to have a relationship then at least I can have a good time. I try to be happy about myself.

Try not to beat yourself about this. Many of us, on this forum, will stay single. There's not much we can do about it, but we can still be happy.

I am 35 with AS, and have similiar friends. I am happily married. I had similiar emotions at various points of my life. Let me make some points:

1) The largest problem we have is mindset.
2) These are hard issues for EVERYONE. Since we are a little different, we internalize these issues and blame AS. I don't know a single male in my life that I know well who hasn't had there heart broken. It is a part of life.
3) You lack self-esteem. This is a problem. If you are looking to the world to give you self-esteem, you will never find it. It comes from within.
4) You say:

"Seeking out that girl is a very difficult task for me. If I feel that I can't do enough for them, I give up. If I feel like I will be used and abused in any way, I'll back away. All of those girls in the middle are married or on the verge of being married. My greatest worry is that I will find a girl and tell my sad life story, and they'll run away thinking that I'm a predator when I'm really not."

The "sad life story" is a function of self esteem. That doesn't mean things haven't been rough. But if this is your sales pitch to a girl. its bad. Would you say this on a job interview. Your not a predator, and you can't internalize people's opinions. If people get that impression of you, figure out why, or just move on, you can't be afraid of it.

5) Thinking all women are taken is false. There not.
6) When you say you can't do enough for them, what do you mean?
7) You need to approach this like a numbers game and meet more people.

Good Luck!

I completely agree with this post.

Instead of concentrating on what you don't have, take the time to busy yourself by self improvement.

Get yourself a good diet and work out regimen, read books that are to help with approach anxiety, dating tips, conversation tips, whatever about social stuff that you need to help you. Start practicing what you've read.
Improve your dental hygiene. Do a deep cleaning of your house and try to assign one or two days of the week where you spend the whole day cleaning so your place never gets completely trashed, that way if someone is coming over, it'll only take you 20 minutes or so to pick up the place.

Once you get those things together, then you'll be at a better advantage to get out there. Not only will your social skills have improved but you'll feel more confident in yourself - You'll look better, smell better, you know if someone wants to come back to your place it's clean.. etc.

Sorry to say it but yeah, saying a relationship will just happen on its own is BS advice. Maybe that's how it works for cute women but not for socially handicapped men like me (us?).

A couple of these things are simple to fix:

Clean your damn teeth! Find 5 minutes each morning and night to spend brushing them so you won't have the breath of a dog.
If you have sensory issues with toothpaste, you can buy non-mint-flavoured toothpaste which is apparently a bit gentler on the mouth.



This is probably only a bad thing if you have a horrible straggly beard with old food scraps stuck in it.
If you think that just having facial hair is putting women off, then buy a razor and add shaving to your morning routine.



(I said simple, not easy.)
Start exercising more and eating less, and eating more healthy food and less junk. It will take a long time, but even with a few kilos off you'll feel better and have more energy, and that will benefit your interactions with others.



Make a habit of it. If you see one thing that needs putting away, do it, otherwise things will just accumulate.



Don't act like you're ashamed of this. There is nothing wrong with not having the latest iPhone or whatever. If anyone tries to make you feel lesser for things like this, make them feel like THEY are the shallow one. Because they are.

Getting back to this post after reading the responses, one thing's for sure:

I suck. And it'll take at least a decade for me to complete all of these "changes" that have been suggested to me, and getting in the habit of doing routine things. Knowing that it's going to take a complete overhaul of my own self, life, and surroundings is a tough thing to deal with.

I know, I was quite negative about myself just now. However, I was really quite honest about myself. I don't want to go about appearing as a fake, do I?

I wholeheartedly agree with all that has been said above. However, there is one thing I still seem to disagree with:

In my experience, for EVERY girl that I liked (and there have been at least 20 so far) there has been at least 5 other boys that have liked the same girl at the same time I liked her. It's a battle royale every time. At least one of them is better at getting her than I am. I have yet to find a girl that only I like, and that is the best chance that I have right now.

You need to lose weight and a lot of weight. You can start now, this very minute. Shave, shower and brush your teeth.And get a good haircut. While losing weight get involved in activities where you meet other people. When you meet girls stop telling them your sad story. it also sounds as though you are interested in girls out of your league.

I do not think you are ready for a romantic relationship, but improving your life will get you there. You might meet people [no,not the girl, but girls to talk to for practice] walking your dog, or borrow dogs, or dog walk in your spare time for money.[plus weight loss]

Learn some 'different but kindof cool" stuff like magic tricks, juggling or balloon animals [tutorials all over the internet]

Cultivate an interesting life. Boring is not sexy.

Make 2014 the year for the most intense growth ever.

I think I found my quote for 2014.

You've got to think of yourself in terms of retail value. Right now.for a variety of reasons, yours is low. That is alright because you can change that [ me, on the other hand, I am an old woman and if I were single there is not much I could do about that. luckily I am in a happy marraige]
You have to lose that weight, plain and simple. And you could lose it all in 2014. Be sure to work out during this time and write down everything you eat, down to the smallest crumb. After you have lost the weight, your story of losing the weight can be just one more interesting thing about you.

Maybe while you work out you can be listening to and studying jokes. Jokes are good but ONLY if you can tell them seamlessly. So, practice, not just the joke, but inflection, timing, the whole thing. over and over and over again.

Start making lists and goals for everything. Maybe to make it easier to keep things picked up you need to de-clutter?

Maybe throw in some volunteer work. it's a good way to make friends, feel better about yourself, help others, and most girls are impressed.

You can do all of these thiings, and though growth is a lifelong process, I see no reason that you cannot do all things mentioned in one year.

Be sure to devote at least one hour a day to working out and one hour a day to personal growth.

If yo u need an accountability buddy, I will be there for you. You can do this.

You say you've registered people's advice. But you're still offerring up more excuses. Basic things like hygene and weightloss can be worked on, but you have to do those things for you first or they will never stick. You need to be a person that YOU like because if you don't like yourself it becomes far harder for other people to like you. The rest of that stuff can come later.

It could take a decade but that's better than the alternative of letting yourself deteriorate.