I wish I knew how to flirt

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For some reason men never seem to approach me, and I guess it's because I can't flirt with them. I've read a little on flirting but the idea of actually doing so... For one they all start out with make eye contact. Make eye contact with some random, albeit cute, man? Yeah, that'll happen. (sarcasm) I can barely make eye contact with my mom. The only eye contact I can maintain is pets.

So what's next on the list? tilt you head and play with your hair. Without the eye contact wont that make you look like a ditz? Or it'll look forced.

I want a relationship, but I can't approach men and they won't approach me. I can't flirt. Aside from those two tips above there is no advice anywhere. I guess because it come naturally to most. But what about the rest of us? The socially awkward? those with social anxiety?autism? where is the guide for us?

I don't want to end up a lonely, bitter cat woman. I want a husband and a family, but I have no idea how to meet men in the real world and dating sites are producing no results.

You pretty much just answered your own question.



I'm not sure how it can be done without eye contact though. It may not be possible.

I bought a book on flirting a few years back that helped me: 101 Ways to Flirt by Susan Rabin.

For me, I already know how to flirt. I imagine you do as well. It is just that anxiety gets in the way. The book helped me because it focused on the mental part of it, that mental block of anxiety and self-consciousness. I only flirt when I am in a good mood and relaxed. I only flirt in situations where the flirting is meant to be playful, not meant to lead to anything. It helps to practice on people, even if you have no intentions of hooking up with them. Do you know how to tell if a guy is attracted to you or how to tell if a guy is flirting with you?

I'm reasonably sure eye contact is one big way men determine whether or not a woman might be interested... I don't know, though. Never flirted with one, and I rarely notice when girls flirt with me. Still, it's reasonable to think that a girl who won't make eye contact might be disinterested, distracted, or nervous/put off.

If you want, you could try looking at the bridge of their nose... between their eyes, rather than into them. Still, that's looking them in the face, which I also have a little trouble with. If you simply cannot make eye contact but still want to try, you might be able to act shy instead. Simply making a passing attempt to look them in the face will suffice for that... Might not get the message across as effectively to some guys, but personally, I certainly think shy girls are cute. ;p

Another somewhat easy way to let a guy know you're interested is to touch him. A simple hand on the arm or playful shove might do... but be careful, as this one might leave the wrong impression.

My last suggestion? Try not to use the word "can't". Flirting might be difficult, but it certainly is not impossible. In my "experience," it's a bit like simply talking with friends... So just try and relax and just talk to the guy, eh? See what he likes and if you have anything in common.

Hope this helps, and I wish you luck in all of your future flirting endeavors. >;p

aside from approaching me I wouldn't know you were flirting with any of that stuff. Women make eye contact its just respectful.

touching eh, I'd assume it was a accidental bumping, happens a few times.

seems to me flirting could easy be explained by normal stuff.

like lady at work, she meets all the definitions of flirting but she isn't. Shes just nice and playful. I guess if we as society were so cold to each other as a normal thing, then yeah flirting would stand out as intrerst. as it is now flirting is the same as being polite and nice, so its impossible to tell.

are you really pretty? could be why most guys don't approach you .

Ah, pardon me. I'm not particularly adept at explaining things from time to time... Go figure. >///<; Anyway, the touching bit does actually assume one of the interested parties has managed to start up some small talk, at least, otherwise, yeah, it'll probably come across as accidental. It's also true that some friends/peers are just that way, but it is actually a little different for an acquaintance to do so.

My manner of speaking with my friends also tends to lean a bit more towards teasing, coy, and/or slightly sarcastic than polite. In turn, a little light teasing, a compliment, or a particular interest in something I'm wearing or doing are all some of the things I notice on the rare occasions wherein I'm actually aware I'm being flirted with... Of course, I doubt you could find anyone who'll say I'm exceptionally observant when it comes to that kind of thing. ^_^;;

Still, I hope my few, minor insights are helpful, even if it is true that they should be taken with a grain of salt.

I would suggest that rather than trying to flirt with him, you set about building a friendship first. Then, as you get to know him and he gets to know you, you can start flirting.

This is very different to how it works when a man is trying to attract a woman. For men, we always have the danger of falling into the "friend-zone", where after a while, if we haven't made it clear we fancy them, we miss our chance.

For women, you don't have to move fast.. there's no deadline. Men just don't have that "this person is too slow, I'm going to move on" instinct, so you really can take all the time you like.

The other advantage of this is that having got to know him purely as a friend, over a period of time, then when you DO start flirting with him, it will be more obvious to him.

If you're worried about scaring him off by suddenly coming on to him, then instead of starting with "flirty flirting", you can send more "loving" messages, that could be explained as just natural female tenderness.. More "physical" comforting if he's feeling low or upset.. a hug, a touch on the shoulder etc.

Assuming he likes you as a friend, and assuming there's no glaring reason why he might not fancy you - you're much taller or bigger than him for example, or come across as neurotic and crazy-making - a man will usually start to feel more sexual attraction to you, the more love you show him.

This is partly why so many men end up stalking women, desperately declaring their love, hoping that somehow the message will get through and she'll start to love him back. They don't realise that women don't think the same way as they do!

Last edited by pete42 on 27 Mar 2014, 4:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

Did you check my thread: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt254875.html
or check this, the thread about this link: http://www.quora.com/Physical-Appearanc ... attractive

It's full of real life experiences written by nerds and socially inept girls (and some guys) who went from invisible to sex goddesses. None of them talked about flirt skills, except the Asian male who talked about how his lack of confidence still affecting him despite his big change in looks.

You don't need flirt skills, maybe you need to do something about your appearance. Grooming and Sexy clothes might help but it might give you unwanted attention too.

I dunno if that helps, but there are some things that makes me not to approach a girl that I may find physically attractive (talking about girls I never talked with, there are more if I know them further):
- If she never smiles, never salutes others and always looks "gloomy" or worse "pissed off". --> It indicates that she's not much friendly or stuck up. Lack of eye contact or shyness might unfairly give that impression.
- If she always put on earphones. ---> it indicates that she doesn't want to be bothered . (even tho one time a girl got upset because I never approached her while she's always putting a big red headset)
- If she always and constantly texting on her smartphone. --> It indicates that she has a boyfriend or texting-mania.
- If her body or breath stink.
- If she's taller than me or same height (=taller than me with heels) ---> because of the women's opinions I am seeing here on WP/internet/real life about wanting taller men and how dating shorter men made them feel insecure/unsexy.

Maybe it's just me, but I rarely see other men approach those either.


Are you too tall? Are you too gloomy? What's your fashion style?

The other day I was (jokingly) advised (by young male colleagues) not to wash for three days so that I would start to stink. I cannot remember what it was about at all, but I just remember being really upset about being told something like that even as a joke because NTs do a lot of subtle joking around saying things opposite of what they mean so it made me paranoid that they think I stink. Even though I am sure I wasn't stinky, I had a shower that morning like every other morning and was even wearing perfume.

So idk if that was their idea of flirting or what, but I thought it was horrible.

the women I interact with are all coworkers. I don't friend coworkers. I just don't get touching as flirting unless they stood next to me and moved their hand up and down my arm or something then i'd be suspicious. I just don't get how pretending to do a accidental touch is suppose to come across as flirting.

why can't they just come out and say it. >.< I wouldn't do any of that touching stuff, but i guess thats cause guy touching= harassment, woman touching = flirting . as for the teasing and such, me and a girl do alot of that at work, which is why I find myself attracted to her and thought was flirting, but shes not. Its so confusing and frustrating.

It should be mentioned creepy guys proposition me when I am out walking, but nice guys never try to talk to me. I don't know why. I dress modestly and am clean, so why sleazy guys and no nice guys? I some times try to talk to guys when I am out but can't get a conversation started. They respond to a direct statement, but won't really talk.

Just today I went to the store and the guy in front of me at check out had a lot of litter and some cans of cat food. I jokingly told him his cats eat better than mine, he just gets dry food. He looked at me but didn't reply. Another time I was at the store and a guy was near me shopping and I made a comment about the movie I was thinking about buying. He replied with a monosyllabic answer and continued to shop. the only time I have managed to draw a guy into conversation at the store he mentioned he was looking for ingredients to make dinner for his girl friend. So it's not for lack of trying. I don't try very often, it takes a bit to work up the courage, but I do try.

And no, I don't realize when some one is flirting with me. Apparently a couple of weeks ago when I was out with my mom the cashier at Lowes was flirting and I had no idea, I just thought he was being friendly. That pisses me off, I had a real shot and didn't even know it.

As for the online dating sites on the occasion I get a guy to respond we'll message back and forth for a while and then, poof, he disappears and I never hear from him again. I have been on two dates with one guy in the past year and he was a creep, definitely not marriage material.

I am really at my wits end. I was messaging a guy off geek2geek recently but he seems to have disappeared to.

I really don't know what to do. I am pretty. I am clean. and I try to be friendly, even if I do come across as painfully shy, but I just can't meet a nice guy who stays interested long enough to meet me.

what do you mean by creepy? some nice guys are considered to look creepy

would you be up to sharing your dating profile, do you have okc?
I'm curious, if you are really pretty some guys won't approach you, I wouldn't. pretty girls are seen as unobtainable to me and others.

my family said the same about a female cashier at wallmart.

Here are my worthless profiles. if the links don't work I am halfmadgenius on all 3
plenty of fishokcupidGeek2geek

I went to profile on okcupid. I could not find you.

deleted - I wasn't looking at OPs profile at all, I am such a spaz

sorry OP!

Last edited by leafplant on 29 Mar 2014, 12:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I notice in your profile you say you're quiet, and you want a man who's quiet., and you like to read...

It reads like you don't like conversation?

Also I didn't see anything about what things you'd enjoy doing with him that he can visualise.

"Cosy evenings in talking about everything under the sun."
"Pottering round the yard planting flowers.. or landscaping if you help move the dirt!"

Give him an idea of what it would be like being with you, not just a dry list of interests.

I've never had that many common interests with partners or close female friends when I think about it. The main thing is there are no major clashes where it would prevent one or other of you from pursuing one of them.. Indoor type vs outdoor type for example.