Boyfriend on the spectrum?? or a socio path?

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I am having a hard time dealing with my boyfriend. He has been lashing out and because for years we thought it was all due to my "bipolar" but I am not ASD, I have always taken the blame and tried to "fix" myself over and over to make things better. Now that I found out why I flip out and have meltdowns and tantrums, I see myself able to calm down and not "care" as much as before. SO, I have discovered that he has the same issues. No matter how calm I talk or try to tell him I do not mean what he things I mean, he continues to tell me I attack him with my words. He gets angry and will lash out at me. Tonight he through Tequilla in my face because he did not want to talk. He hides and balls up in this blank stare and he HATES talking about feelings. I mean worse than just a "guy thing". I feel he is on the spectrum because he stays cool till some little thing happens and he will explode and bring up a hundred things that have nothing to do with what we are "arguing" about. He zones into his games and if they are disturbed he will become the most mean and brutal person. Like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He hurts me and will blame his outlashes on me and he will give every reason to why it was a justified attack towards me. Even if I missread something he says, there is never a reason to hurt your partner. I have lashed out on him in the past before I understood about myself, now its easier to spot and they do not come on now unless I have been "threatened". I think thats why my parenter does. He thinks I am really attacking him, when I am just simply speaking my opinons. I told him he was getting his signals crossed and that he has trouble understanding what I say sometimes (I know NT and ASD have this issue but he sounds like me and has a hard time letting go like I do so it just seems more ASD like behavior) Then he will get this straight face and go mute. He will not want to work anything out and he will walk away and say "leave me alone" even if I dont even bother him. It just seems like ASD behavior. I am not saying I dont bug him, because I am sure I do. But he handles it inappropriately. I think his work is too much and he hates change so we are moving and I think the change and extra responsibility has crushed him which led him to explode. Either that or he really does not care that he hurts me and really wants me to believe its my fault because he gets very controlling or very antaganistic. I dont know I am getting afraid of him.

Why are you still with him?

This doesn't sound like sociapathy much.

I don't know, you said you guys were going through changes, maybe that's just a little too much to handle. My aspie best friend sometimes gets that way when things don't go according to his plan. I found that it was crucial not to bug him AT ALL during those times because that only makes communication worse. So I usually circle back to the issue a few days later when he's calm and over it. I know it's hard, because girls usually want to talk it out and make up, but that's not how thingsnwork in this case.

That said I still think you shouldn't allow him to use you as a punching bag. He's in a comfortable spot right know, there is a girlfriend by his side who satisfies his needs and takes his meltdowns and verbal abuse like it's her fault. Try to explain him that he is hurting you but only when he's calm.

You deserve better and how can you feel good about yourself if someone is constantly belittling you. My only thought upon reading this is why are you still there?

Just leave him im not sure if hes a sociopath hes just an as*hole having Aspergers doesn't exclude one from being one.

That sounds like emotional abuse. I very much doubt there is anything you can do at this point to make it better. He is already used to getting his way, and these tantrums are not acceptable adult behavior. My advice is to leave as soon as you can. It will be better for your health to remove that stress from your life, especially while you are already working on yourself and don't need the confusion, frustration, and misery that he is giving you.

No matter what is causing him to be that way, there's only one important thing: seriously, you need to call it quits on this relationship. Emotional abuse and the threat of physical abuse; passive aggressive moodiness -- trust me, this is not a healthy relationship and he is not an emotionally stable or healthy person.

I know whereof I speak, as I've been in a similarly abusive, messed up relationship with a very, very unstable, messed up person with deep, deep issues.

Right now it's not the most important thing to wonder what your boyfriend "is" in terms of explanations for why he behaves the way he does, and also right now it's not the most important thing that you have issues too that you bring to the situation -- all that actually matters is that this has become a really bad relationship, he is making you afraid, and you need to get out.

There doesn't seem to be any possibility of working with him on anything as he is unwilling to do that. There's a "point of no return" in relationships that start to go bad, and from everything you describe, you guys have passed that.

Trust me, when a partner is at that stage of emotional resistance against the other partner, there's nowhere to go but move on.

You are wasting years of your life on someone you can't heal with, deal with or get on an even keel. I tried too -- it just isn't going to happen. I know you probably don't want to hear that, and you probably love him anyway, but do you really want to keep living with this misery, and this unworkable person?

.

I really, REALLY hate saying this, but I don't see how you two can be together. Doesn't matter WHY the relationship is abusive, just that it IS abusive. You can't keep this up long-term.

Boyfriends and girlfriends do not have any tangible commitments to each other. You are allowed to break up.

I wouldn't give the same advice if you were married. I'd tell you to take all possible steps to fix your problems. What I'm reading here is you have a guy who isn't interested in fixing his problems. You're under no obligation to help him. He can't change unless he wants to change…and let's face it--people don't change and it isn't up to us to change them. If you want to maintain this relationship, you have to inform him that the choices he's making are not choices you can live with. Tell him that you'll leave him alone for a couple or three days to think about what he wants to do, and give him another chance. He makes one bad move after that and you're GONE.

I say "one bad move…" Be fair. Don't set him up for failure. Don't raise the bar or move the goalposts. Agree to reasonable and measurable goals in your relationship and go for that. You're both going to make mistakes. But you have to agree that THIS behavior or THAT behavior must STOP. If it's something that just annoys you a little but you could live with, it doesn't count. If it's something that really means a lot to you, though, and something you know you can't live with, then it's not just a matter of a guy changing his behavior to be the perfect guy for you. It becomes a matter of this guy just not being the right guy for you, period.

I often mention that the woman I married was (and is) my best friend. Best friends don't treat each other like dirt. Best friends love each other for who they are, not what the other person wants them to be. I have to figure out who I am, she has to figure out who she is, and "we" have to figure out who "we" are together. There is no change, no sacrifice, and no compromise. We bring the best we have together to the table and we help each other with the parts we don't like--that is, the parts about ourselves (individually) we don't like. If I want to change and I need her help, or if she wants to change and needs my help, we're there. We saw what we expected in a mate BEFORE we got married and have been going with it ever since.

The problem I see in your relationship is that there is no "together" here. You should reasonably expect certain behavior, and exactly what that means is entirely up to you. Some people can live with the person you're describing, and that's fine. Some people choose to be orderlies in nuthouses and they're happy there. Great. From what you've said, you're not that person. Crazy is hard to live with, but Crazy is even harder to get rid of. Get out now while you can. If you really care about this relationship, give it one last chance as I suggested earlier, i.e. communicate your displeasure with abusive behavior, give him time to think about whether he wants to continue the relationship, discuss how you want to go from there, and make a quick exit if he's unable to keep that up.

Most importantly, don't look at breaking up as punishment for not getting your way. Look at it as discovery that THIS relationship isn't the right relationship for either of you and that breaking up really is your best option. There will be no lingering hard feelings. The love is still there and always will be. But it is love that seeks the best in all things and everyone, even if it means dissolving the relationship.

My advice is the same whether you're married or not. People often make mistakes and you don't need to know someone very long to make a mistake and marry them.
It seems like you're wondering what he "has" that could justify his behaviour? Do you want to justify and excuse it?
You've grown and made changes for the better, and you've outgrown him. It's quite possible you were both behaving just as badly as each other in the beginning but now that you've done the work to intercept your mood before you lash out, you can notice that his reactions are still wild. Your volume has turned down but he's still freaking out up there. You may be seeing him quite clearly from your new place of calm and feeling the abuse is too one-sided now because you didn't "do anything to deserve it."
If I am close to the truth then how amazing that you've been able to make the changes you have in that environment!
If he used to be calmer and now you've changed roles maybe he misses the old fire storms and has to cause them himself now. Maybe he's taking the chance for some retribution to show you how you used to be.

There has to be enough good to warrant the work of making it better. There has to be something worth fighting for. It may be wiser to put your energy into advocating your own personal happiness above the health of the relationship.

So I guess that's not really advice but maybe some new perspectives to think about..?

My two cents is just about the same as everyone else who has posted here. You describe a relationship that has become toxic. It needs to stop...or possibly heal. But from what you describe, health is not on the horizon any time soon without radical intervention. It also sounds as though he is not a person who can be in a relationship right now. The behavior you describe cannot happen if he does not have a target. You have grown and changed - and some of it may even have been with his help. However, NO one has a right to throw things at their partner or set them up and verbally abuse them.

The withdrawal, tantrumming, etc that you describe 'might' be related to a spectrum disorder - but you are not a diagnostician. And this is not really your problem - you have ASD, and you are dealing with yours. If he is on the spectrum, he is going to have to put on his big boy pants and learn how to behave appropriately. Everyone has to do this, no matter if the are NT or AS or whatever. It's part of being a grownup and if you can't do it, you can not be in a healthy relationship.

I'd tell him that either the he (and you can be a part of it) gets professional help - also with professional couples counseling if he wants to stay together - and you get counseling as well...Either you get help or you're out of there.

You are describing classic deep emotional and early physical abuse. It has to stop - you know it, it's why you wrote this post and you've come to all of us on the WP to tell you that you can do this...You must do this.

Yep. Get out of this one. If you don't have a friend to help you out of there (you're living together?), then talk to someone at a women's shelter, even if it sounds overdramatic to do that. Abusive guys often react poorly when the woman tries to leave.

I wouldn't say he is on the spectrum or a sociopath. The only thing that comes to mind with the post is that he is angry and probably expecting love from you when he doesn't even understand how to show love himself. What I would like to say is speculation and not really truth because I can't find anything else to go with. So I will ask these questions instead?

Do you accept him as he is, or does he accept you as you are? Love has a hard time developing because of this.
Is someone trying to force another in to change and having expectations that are unreasonable?
Is someone looking for love and expecting to get it from the partner rather than understanding what self-love is first? Love is hard to show without loving one's self first.
Substance abuse issues present? the tequilla incident makes me ask that.
Would withdrawal be a form of punishment for doing something he doesn't like you doing? or is it something else entirely?

like other users said this relationship is obviously very unhealthy and he seems to be manipulative as he makes you blame yourself for the things that happen.


okay, this alone actually doesn't link him to aspergers. Maybe he is emotionally unstable or he can't control himself well or just a resented person (yes they do that).

you know this has to stop.

Read back what you wrote and imagine it was someone else's situation. What would your advice be to them?

As with many others, my advice, based on what you say here, is to leave.

It doesn't really sound like ASD, but even if it is, this is not a healthy relationship to be in. Whatever may be the cause of his problems - and he clearly has problems - unless he is able to admit to them and want to change them, I don't think there's anything to be done. If he can't understand and accept his behaviour and treatment of you is a problem, let alone trying to blame it on you, then I don't see any hope.

I have two kids with him and I love him.