To Mention or Not to Mention...

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Relationships, or generally anything in that department are something I've pretty much persistently avoided despite the fact that I generally like girls. Throughout my teens I didn't do anything about it apart from hearing how 'successful' my classmates in school were in such matters, my 20s have also remained quiet in relation to this issue. I avoided social events such as discos, pubs, formal balls because I wouldn't know what to do or what's expected at such things. I typically remained 'off radar' from such things, again my uni's formal ball is coming up in May and my almost pre-programmed response is to avoid, avoid, avoid not because you're expected to bring someone (I don't think) but because it's socially scary.

Does the lack of relationships bother me, I'm not going to lie because there are times when it does but then there are times when I've little or no interest in it. So what's stopping me, several things - all of which I won't proceed to bore you with now but here are a few:

at 24 I figure it's too late to do anything about it
I wouldn't pick up on the 'signals' if my life depended on it (yeah woe is me, yawn)
I generally don't initiate things
I have one friend and I only see him 3 or 4 times a year so if I went into a relationship I reckon it would look rather silly due to my lack of friends - from what I've observed most people in relationships have a range of friends but then I guess it's quality not quantity which is another topic and debate.

I generally keep extremely quiet about this topic, I mentally run away from it and as I've said, socially avoid it (dare I say, part of a pathological avoidance - a term I now use though only in my own head), part of it is self protection, someone in a past thread alluded to maintaining their sanity that's probably part of it too, feeling like a bit of a freak is another component. I find it can be quite a tiring topic to hear about too, the media says this or that, not to mention almost everyone having their own 'formula' or personal twist on what you should/should not do and you're expected to figure out which one is the 'right' one.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, I was wondering if I should bother mentioning this anyone e.g. a counsellor type person and maybe what people's experiences of talking through this issue are. That said, it's not something I'd find easy to do, even the word is difficult to say and I'm paranoid it would open a huge can of worms and I'd probably be expected to actually do something about it or, on the other hand I can keep quiet and talk about other things and maintain my pattern of avoidance surrounding this issue. I only have a limited number of counselling sessions (fortunately free at uni) available and I've used most of them for my mental health stuff and in the future I don't fancy paying X amount per hour to some poor soul/therapist in order for them to listen to me talk crap about this topic. I mean most people just seem to damn well get on with it and probably don't need a counsellor type person. Talking about it would mean change which as many of you know is tricky for people with AS...

Thank you for reading if you got this far.

[/whinge]

I don't know about a counseler. It's helpful to actually speak the words, but paying to have someone listen seems such a waste. One nice thing is that right here there are a lot of us who are in very similar straits as you are. Maybe if there's someone from the forum near you, you can meet up to talk about such issues, just to be able to share frustrations ect. This sounds a lot better than paying someone who hasn't been there to listen to you.

The counselor atmy university was free to students, but he generally seemed to be good at helping newbies cope with being away from home and not commit suicide. He was pretty much useless when I asked him about similar questions to yours, and he completely missed diagnosing me with AS even after i gave him a checklist of my symptoms. BTW, I didn't know about AS at the time, so i was still lost and confused for several years after.

It's good to know I'm not alone and that people can see where I'm coming from, thank you. Yeah, it can be helpful to talk, however, I'm reluctant to raise this matter with a 'professional' given what I've said above and given what one of them said to me in that past (about this topic). There is an AS group in my university, however, I don't think I'd like to bring this topic up nor do I feel I can express myself in person as I've done in my post. That's a shame Tanz though I never saw my counsellor's role as one relating to a diagnosis but AS did come up in working with her.

I will probably continue to avoid this issue. I'll laugh it off, I'll say something (depending on who I'm talking to) like 'I haven't gotten around to it yet', or 'oh you know, probably some borderline or not so borderline pathetic pathological avoidance thing' (stolen from the West Wing), I'll change the subject, become defensive or paranoid the person talking to me is wearing a wire or wants to extract information from me.

At 24 you are still very young; certainly not 'too late to do anything about it.'

The question is do you want to?

Whether you do or do not, you shouldn't feel you have to justify your situation to anyone.
You don't have to compare yourself to your peers.

There's also no shame in wanting to be alone.

Aye, therein lies the rub.

At 24 I feel old and plenty of things and messages seem to dictate that I 'have to' do something about it. Part of me says no, it's not relevant to who I am, who I have been or any part of my life but...gah, I don't know half the time, I just don't.

There are no rules to this, you don't 'have to' do anything ( despite the media obsession.)

Maybe you are worrying too much?
I suggest that you don't avoid relationships: if you meet someone, then fine, don't avoid it. If you don't, then don't worry about it. No need to put yourself under any pressure.

You may feel old at 24, but believe me, you are not.
I have known many people, who have not got into relationships until they are in their 30s.

The media and others, methinks. A nice, vicious and judgemental world we live in.
Maybe worry is part of it, though as I've said, there are times when I don't really care.

I'm 22 and never had a girlfriend.I hate it when I see couples together and their displays of affection.I'm sure some of them do it to show off.
I try to avoid situations where there are lots of people and find places where I can walk and be alone to ruminate on life and it's insanity.
It may sound strange but I usually feel more lonely in a busy town centre than I do when in the middle of nowhere.Because others appear to be happy with each other and I am not.

When I'm around girls I never know whether I should start a conversation or where and when it is appropriate to do so.What would I say and how should I say it?
You're right about the media,our culture is absolutely obsessed with sex and relationships and this only makes our life as aspies just more unbearable.Part of the problem as well is we often look the same as others so they treat us just like them and expect us to have relationships and just be a typical guy.Hope I've made you feel a little better.

Well that doesn't bother me so much, it's to be expected though there are times when it's annoying (I suspect that's the case for many people, AS or not) probably down to the showing off as you say. If affection appears on the TV I usually look away...

I don't think that's strange, no.
I can talk a little, sometimes more but given that I can't seem to form friendships anything beyond that is quite out of the question.

Thank you for replying.

Ever try just staring at people when they're doing PDAs? It really freaks them out. Can be fun.

I'm in your same situation Basement. I can somethimes pick up on signals when a woman is flirting, but I have trouble responding, even when I am interested (I usualy kind of freeze up and avoid small talk with one word answers and avoid eye contact). There have also been times when other people have told me that someone was flirting with me, but I had no clue that it was happening.

I am intersted in relationships, but I think I need to get certain things in my life in order before I should seriously think about trying to find someone. I need to get my drivers license, finish my education and find work, and most importantly, move out of my parents home. I think that would greatly increase my self confidence. I'm hoping that if I can accomplish all of those things that everything will either fall into place, or at least become more manageable as far as finding my little piece of happiness.


I can also relate to feeling old at a young age, I'm 26 myself. A line from Lotr reminds me of how I feel sometimes "Like butter spread over too much bread".

I totally feel your pain, dude. I have a hard enough time finding people (not online) to talk to, let alone feeling comfortable enough to talk them about my AS. I'm to the point in my life (I'm 25) where I just need to watch out for myself. Adding more drama to my life now that I've landed a full-time job will only hurt me in the long run. I'd suggest that you do the same. Focus on what drives you (hopefully it is some thing you can get paid to do). If you can satisfy yourself atleast somewhat by doing what you enjoy, then that can dull the pain that these AS aymptoms can bring.

Not socially inappropriate, cal?

The only time I picked up on 'flirting' was in school though like yourself Arbie I mostly had no idea what was happening, even a teacher picked up on it once! It's interesting that other people have commented, what was that like? Again, similar to yourself I see other things as a priority. My future career is what I want to/am trying to focus on. I guess it's just that society dictates that you have to fumble around during your teenager years. It's tough Slapula, I tend not to tell people I have AS as I don't know what they'll do with that information and if they'll treat me quite differently. I think I've a little bit of tunnel vision in relation to this topic and others, I get scared things will divert my attention from what I want to do in the future so I sometimes avoid them...

Interesting that you've both picked up on similar themes...

Thanks for listening.

my experiences with counsellors aren't that great, ive been going to one (though i probably will not go back) and just having someone listen may help get things off your chest but doesn't do anything else. According to The Complete Guide to Asperger's, counselling has nothing to offer to aspies and that has indeed been my experience.
for myself, i don't see a way forward other than accepting that i will always be alone.

When I was in highscool, all my classmates had relations all the time, they got all the nice looking girls etc, blabla, and I found my soulmate in about 1:st grade. We didn't think about that a lot, it took a while to get to know her alright, even though we first met in 1:st grade. We just chatted around, as friends do, and was comfortable with eachother, whilst my classmates dated everything they could lay hands on.

I visited her, met both her parents, just strolled around and being comfy with eachothers a couple of months, me being very frank, and suddenly I ended up in her bed. Daytime with her parents and brothers at home. I got somewhat perplex since I was a virgin, but biology studies helped a lot. When I got upstairs afterwards her mother just said "Coffebreak!" and I blushed like a tomato.

We have three kids, have been together for about 19 years, until we both needed a break due to enourmous stress from the kids. We live within 5 minutes walk from eachother with split care of the kids.

Later I got to know I was the only one in my class that had sex for the next 3 years... I've never seen my classmate's feel so embarased before.... both male and female. This was on a class reunion.

I was just being me, not pretending anything else, and later on my ex heard the utter envy that they didn't understand me, but she did and does. We're not married, since we never needed that. Just a waste of money, and overestimated.