Aspie ex says he wants to be friends but has ignored me!?

Post Reply New Topic

Basically, me and my aspie boyfriend broke up after a few months.

We were friends before dating

He broke up with me because he felt he didn't "have time" for a relationship.

We spent a few hours talking when he dumped me. We ended on a really great note. We are very close and consider each other almost like family.

BUT he said he needed us to not speak for a while.

He hasn't spoken to anyone from our circle of friends about the break up and is very much keeping it to himself.

It's been a few weeks now and I still haven't heard anything.

Before we broke up he pulled away from me a lot on social media. He took a lot longer to respond than usual.

I'm concerned that he might block me out if his life entirely.

Does anyone on this forum relate to his need to pull away? Even though HE broke up with me.

I'm just confused because when I search online for advice it comes up with sites linking to...

- guys ignoring their ex because they don't want to be friends.
- guys/girls who ignore their ex's because they want them to come back. (After they are the one who has been dumped)

Neither of which is this situation.

Grateful for any advice.

Since he asked for space and time to himself, I think you should give him the space and time he asked for. Just do casual facebook stuff for a few weeks and by then he will be more likely to want to do things with you again. Pushing him in any way will probably make him panic that you're going to take over his life. I know you miss your best friend and I'm sorry that it developed this way.

Thanks for your response.
I am going to be giving him as much space/time he needs. I only plan on speaking to him after he initiates conversation and even then I will go easy on it for the first few weeks.

Just hope he does get in touch.

In two weeks we're both going to the same event and I don't know if I should act normal with him or give him space...what do you think?

I would wait till the night before the event. Then ask him if he'd like to go to that event with you (as a friend), or if he'd prefer to hang out by himself. Hopefully he can be honest enough to say what he really wants to do.

I would give him his space and let him come back to you when he feels ready to speak again.

This makes no sense. How does ignoring someone make them come back? They would just move on thinking you want nothing to do with them.

Also ignoring someone is also a form of mental abuse because some do it to stress their partner out when they are still together. It leaves the partner in chaos and all the stress and anxiety because they don't know what is going on and they worry about them.

Think about the old saying: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

In my heart, I don't really understand the concept of "space."

Intellectually, I do, though.

In my heart, I would be very insulted if a lover, all of a sudden, wanted her "space." Why? I don't get it. I thought we were friends. We don't have to be with each other "24/7"--but I believe, totally, that one should be available for the other, even if it's via the Internet.

Intellectually, if I really like the person, I would try to accept this "space" thing.

In my heart, I would REALLY, REALLY want to know why. It wouldn't make sense to me.

It was very weird when my ex sent me a PM all of a sudden about my new boyfriend and then he went silent on me again and then around Thanksgiving he sent me a PM wishing me a happy thanksgiving and then we talked for a couple minutes and he had to leave for work and I never heard from him again. He also asked about my new boyfriend again. That was so weird and I never understood it. He even said we would still be friends if things didn't work between us and he never kept that word and I tried to stay in touch. My mom had to tell me he moved on and I was no longer in a relationship so I was single. That was the best news ever so I moved on that fast and then within two months I had a new boyfriend and now we have been married for six years almost. Sure I was hurt for a while and I still hadn't moved on truly when I met my husband because I was still talking about him because he had hurt me and I had lot of low self esteem because of it and he listened and supported me and it took me awhile to recover. I still have some scars and we weren't even together that long but it still did effect.

I still wish mine were honest. If he didn't want to be friends or wanted to break up, he should have told me. He should have told me he didn't want to talk than say he is just busy. That would have saved me the stress and anxiety but maybe he did it to drive me insane and that is why he wasn't a good person. Then he saw I had finally moved on because I got a new boyfriend all of a sudden. He actually told me he hopes things worked out and that I am happy in it. He was not mad or upset. If he was, he didn't show it.

Your ex didn't treat you too well.

I wish this didn't happen all the time when people break up--but it does.

I have a few exes. I wish I would have remained friends with most of them.

I'm glad you found your present guy. I'm sure he treats you well.

I also lost few of my stuff to him and only thing I got back was that piece of thing Dish Network wanted when I cancelled the service. Never got my paycheck either when I worked with him every Sunday. Oh well. At least the stuff I lost was easily replaceable. Just cleaning supplies and laundry soap and I only lost about three of my clothes and I think that was it. I have heard of worse people lost. I also remember he was supposed to pay part of the Dish Network bill but never did. It was only a month. Then we had to move out of his apartment and I cancelled the service to save money because my aunt and uncle had Comcast and I didn't want to stay with his parents where he was staying until he found another place to live and this was meant to be temporary and then we would be together again. I should have broken up with him when I could like be an asshat and drive to his work and break up with him there since he never answered his darn phone or ever met up with me or visited me and I didn't know where his parents lived because I could not remember the location and I didn't know the address or I could have broken up with him when we went out once and it was to see Are We Done Yet. But yet I was the one who finally drove to his work just to give him his son's gaming handheld system because it accidentally got packed with my stuff and I knew he would have his son again soon for the week so I returned it. I had to drive all the way there in the middle of the night just to return it because he wouldn't answer his phone.

I could have kept it as hostage but I didn't because it was his kid's and it wouldn't have been fair to the child.

But at least you've found this new guy.

Like you said, those are all merely physical possessions.

The Aspie ex is probably just confused. He knows he broke with you and he knows you used to be just friends before that but returning to the old friendship after you were dating is not so easy. There are probably some behaviors he picked up and he is unsure which of them he can still use as a friend and which ones belonged to romantic relationship. And worse - which of them were "friendship" behaviors actually leading to romantic relationship.

It takes time to figure out how to act again. Sometimes it's easier to distance yourself and start over from acquaintance level, learning new rules than constantly wonder "should I do this or that kind of behavior was related to the romantic relationship only?".

Well i kinda understand the guy :s i ussually get scared in the middle of a relationship and then i run :s i don't understand why
I think it's because i cannot get used to it :S or i'm afraid to get hurt or other likewise stuff :s
I am at a point in my life to be afraid for the girl who will end up with me :s i overthink everything in a relationship and it drains me

Ow don't act to different when you see him act kind and don't talk about what happened you can talk to him but first wave at him and then come over if he gets nervous (which always happens to me) try to talk about something to take tension away
Look hes going through a rough patch (and he isn't like me nor do i know what he thinks) but showing you support/ want to help him will go a long way
hope to help you even a little bit

I wouldn't be able to be friends only with somebody I had a relationship with, no matter how good friends we were to begin with. This is not because I don't know what is appropriate only in a relationship (I do), but rather because I wouldn't be able to avoid flirting with her in a romantic way, or even think of her as only a friend. This is also related to breaking the (romantic) attachment, which I have to do in order to get back to a friends only level, and that would take some time (months) and cannot be done if I still see her.

In this case I just wish she had given him enough time alone so it wouldn't have ended this way.

I understand this because I'm worried that when I see him I will naturally flirt with him.

Do you think him not speaking to me is him trying to break the romantic attachment?

He told me he was pretty set on how he felt when we broke up. He didn't want to be together and wanted to be friends.

...but has pulled away as if he needs to get over something.

I also wish I had given him enough time alone in the relationship but I tried.

He dumped me because...

- couldn't handle the work load and the relationship.
- didn't feel like he loved me as much as his first love.
- felt like he wanted to be friends.
- didn't feel like he had any time for himself.

He is the sort if guy who would overthink things and get drained by it. He doesn't open up to me (or many other people) either. Which is unhealthy for him.

The saddest part is I know he is hurting too and I want to help him and be there for him...but I am part of the problem so I can't.

Thanks for the advice though! Very useful.