Is anyone lowering their standards or willing to settle?

Page 1 of 6 [ 90 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next

zzaspergerzz
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 9 Dec 2015
Age: 1941
Posts: 64

25 Jan 2016, 4:08 pm

Am a woman with AS, and Ive had no luck with dating. I am not terrible looking but been on a lot of dates that just fizzled. Usually, RL dates have led to initial interest, but then for whatever reason they stop calling or flake out. Online my results are abysmal.... lots of chat but then i get ghosted. (It's worse online because they have gotten to know my personality pretty well )

IRL, i've had dates with people from all walks of life; some guys have been unemployed, or homeless, mentally ill (like i am- in addition to the AS), but it has led nowhere. There is no lasting interest...

The only standards i really have are that I wouldn't date anyone that is selfish or nasty. Just wondering if there is something so unappealing about my personality, that it is worse than say other traits... BTW I don't think Im desperate or at least hope I dont come across that way (for example, I don't 'chase' if someone is not interested)

Am wondering why when I observe couples, they are from all walks of life and, what may superficially be considered 'damaged'...... Yet my own experiences are so different? i feel like Im not good enough for anyone :(

Or to put it this way, why is it that no one is willing to settle.... while at the same time, a lot of people appear to be settling? (example: I attend a mental health clinic, and a lot of people there are couples )

Are people out there really settling, or is there something Im missing?? Or are some personality traits (like my own) so unappealing that everyone will be repelled?

I, personally, am willing to settle but still I have standards, mainly that the person isn't mean.

Interested to know your thoughts or experiences (male or female)



AyeCarumba
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 7

25 Jan 2016, 5:16 pm

I've settled - my boyfriend doesn't read much and virtually nothing other than newspapers, investment reports. I read two books a week. It's less of a big deal than I'd anticipated. I'd also (prior to meeting him) relaxed my standards by being open to dating guys who were divorced and/or had kids.

I think everybody settles - and that's probably a good thing.



Austinfrom1995
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Jan 2016
Age: 29
Posts: 3,350
Location: Texas

26 Jan 2016, 4:03 pm

I haven't even known a girl long enough to know what the "standards" are. :/


_________________
Ya, I'm weird like that... :alien:


LKL
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2007
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,402

26 Jan 2016, 4:27 pm

I don't think that 'not mean' is too high of a bar. There may be something you're doing that turns people off; without knowing you, I'd say that the best way to figure it out is to talk about it with your therapist.



Spiderpig
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,893

26 Jan 2016, 5:42 pm

That's the only good thing about not having standards: you can't lower them.


_________________
The red lake has been forgotten. A dust devil stuns you long enough to shroud forever those last shards of wisdom. The breeze rocking this forlorn wasteland whispers in your ears, “Não resta mais que uma sombra”.


nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

26 Jan 2016, 5:49 pm

No plans on settling anytime soon. There are still some points on my "list" that are deal breakers - job, politics, religion, personality and "MUST LOVE CATS". If I go to my grave never finding my Hunny, then that's the way God planned it I guess.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


Hopper
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Aug 2012
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,920
Location: The outskirts

26 Jan 2016, 6:08 pm

With my first girlfriend, both just turned 18, I had no standards. That's not to say she was terrible, but at the time I just wanted to be wanted, and she seemed to want me.

I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, somewhere between ungrounded impulsivity and almost catatonic obliviousness. She wanted to replay her just-finished relationship where she'd been dumped.

It didn't really work out. So, standards are good.

Coupledom is an odd thing. I've been married a fair while, and I don't really get it. I was lucky to find an odd woman.

There may be something about you that puts people off - do you have anyone who knows you who you can ask?

Is there a pattern in the kind of men you go for? Or in the kind of men you draw?


_________________
Of course, it's probably quite a bit more complicated than that.

You know sometimes, between the dames and the horses, I don't even know why I put my hat on.


Homer_Bob
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2009
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,562
Location: New England

26 Jan 2016, 7:03 pm

To me it's not about lowering standards but being realistic. Would I go for the women who makes a lot of money and travels all the time? No. It's not that I would be threatened by someone successful but it is almost a guarantee they wouldn't give me the time of day and would look for a man that is equal to their status so to speak. At the same time, going for someone unappealing just because they are the only ones who show interest would be a stupid move as well. It's a waste of time for both parties involved. But to me being alone is always the better option than being with the wrong person and I will take my peace and quiet any day.


_________________
"The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. The best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."


zzaspergerzz
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 9 Dec 2015
Age: 1941
Posts: 64

27 Jan 2016, 11:18 pm

Hopper wrote:
With my first girlfriend, both just turned 18, I had no standards. That's not to say she was terrible, but at the time I just wanted to be wanted, and she seemed to want me.

I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, somewhere between ungrounded impulsivity and almost catatonic obliviousness. She wanted to replay her just-finished relationship where she'd been dumped.

It didn't really work out. So, standards are good.

Coupledom is an odd thing. I've been married a fair while, and I don't really get it. I was lucky to find an odd woman.

There may be something about you that puts people off - do you have anyone who knows you who you can ask?

Is there a pattern in the kind of men you go for? Or in the kind of men you draw?


I can ask my therapist, will see what she says. It's weird, the kind of men I draw are the ones that are sort of selfish. Have drawn a few men who have criminal histories. These are exactly the ones I don't go for. I like someone caring and compassionate, but those types are definitely not drawn to me.



darkphantomx1
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 1 Feb 2015
Age: 29
Posts: 1,293

28 Jan 2016, 12:42 am

How old are you? I'll be your boyfriend. We can go play chess online then troll noobs in chat rooms for our first date. It'll be fun.



sly279
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 16,181
Location: US

28 Jan 2016, 1:17 am

No. My standards are already well below what if prefer if I could.

I just want someone I find attractive, playful, kind,loving,sweet, doesn't hunt, basically isn't mean and won't abuse me.



sly279
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 16,181
Location: US

28 Jan 2016, 1:21 am

zzaspergerzz wrote:
Hopper wrote:
With my first girlfriend, both just turned 18, I had no standards. That's not to say she was terrible, but at the time I just wanted to be wanted, and she seemed to want me.

I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, somewhere between ungrounded impulsivity and almost catatonic obliviousness. She wanted to replay her just-finished relationship where she'd been dumped.

It didn't really work out. So, standards are good.

Coupledom is an odd thing. I've been married a fair while, and I don't really get it. I was lucky to find an odd woman.

There may be something about you that puts people off - do you have anyone who knows you who you can ask?

Is there a pattern in the kind of men you go for? Or in the kind of men you draw?


I can ask my therapist, will see what she says. It's weird, the kind of men I draw are the ones that are sort of selfish. Have drawn a few men who have criminal histories. These are exactly the ones I don't go for. I like someone caring and compassionate, but those types are definitely not drawn to me.


Maybe they caring and compassionate guys don't think you'd be interested in them. If your really pretty you'll be lumped in with all the mean pretty girls who disliked them.

I'm caring and compassionate , too much so according to ex friends. There's s lot of guys here who'd meet what you desire, whether we're up to your standards i dont know.
There's s bunch of ladies here who feel unlucky in love who I'd feel very lucky to have the chance to date.



zzaspergerzz
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 9 Dec 2015
Age: 1941
Posts: 64

28 Jan 2016, 9:40 pm

darkphantomx1 wrote:
How old are you? I'll be your boyfriend. We can go play chess online then troll noobs in chat rooms for our first date. It'll be fun.


36



zzaspergerzz
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 9 Dec 2015
Age: 1941
Posts: 64

28 Jan 2016, 9:43 pm

sly279 wrote:
zzaspergerzz wrote:
Hopper wrote:
With my first girlfriend, both just turned 18, I had no standards. That's not to say she was terrible, but at the time I just wanted to be wanted, and she seemed to want me.

I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, somewhere between ungrounded impulsivity and almost catatonic obliviousness. She wanted to replay her just-finished relationship where she'd been dumped.

It didn't really work out. So, standards are good.

Coupledom is an odd thing. I've been married a fair while, and I don't really get it. I was lucky to find an odd woman.

There may be something about you that puts people off - do you have anyone who knows you who you can ask?

Is there a pattern in the kind of men you go for? Or in the kind of men you draw?


I can ask my therapist, will see what she says. It's weird, the kind of men I draw are the ones that are sort of selfish. Have drawn a few men who have criminal histories. These are exactly the ones I don't go for. I like someone caring and compassionate, but those types are definitely not drawn to me.


Maybe they caring and compassionate guys don't think you'd be interested in them. If your really pretty you'll be lumped in with all the mean pretty girls who disliked them.

I'm caring and compassionate , too much so according to ex friends. There's s lot of guys here who'd meet what you desire, whether we're up to your standards i dont know.
There's s bunch of ladies here who feel unlucky in love who I'd feel very lucky to have the chance to date.


A lot of people have met on here apparently. There are a lot of us unlucky in love, both male and female. Have tried online dating sites, and the search engines don't seem geared for finding other people on the spectrum.



Aristophanes
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Apr 2014
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,603
Location: USA

28 Jan 2016, 10:13 pm

zzaspergerzz wrote:
darkphantomx1 wrote:
How old are you? I'll be your boyfriend. We can go play chess online then troll noobs in chat rooms for our first date. It'll be fun.


36

Lol, right around my age. Sorry darkphantomx1, looks like she's going to go trolling chat rooms with me. Then when we're done we're gonna watch pokemon and stay up all night drinking pepsi and playing call of duty. :roll:



darkphantomx1
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 1 Feb 2015
Age: 29
Posts: 1,293

28 Jan 2016, 11:44 pm

Aristophanes wrote:
zzaspergerzz wrote:
darkphantomx1 wrote:
How old are you? I'll be your boyfriend. We can go play chess online then troll noobs in chat rooms for our first date. It'll be fun.


36

Lol, right around my age. Sorry darkphantomx1, looks like she's going to go trolling chat rooms with me. Then when we're done we're gonna watch pokemon and stay up all night drinking pepsi and playing call of duty. :roll:



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



cron