Question for Men who are Aspies...

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I have a question for you men out there in Aspie-land. My husband and I are both in the process of being diagnosed with Aspergers, along with our three children. Up until 6 months ago, I had no clue what had happened to the man I had married. He was wonderful, with some quirks, but nothing even close to being a deal breaker. We were IN LOVE and HAPPY. After our wedding... life changed overnight and I was thrown into a massive tailspin. So was he. So were the kids. I'm an obsessive researcher, always trying to understand the complexities of the world. Philosophical, psychological, etc. So, I came across ASD after months and months and months of constant research. I'd never even considered it a possibility. I never knew much about it. When I found out more and more about it, I felt HOPE for the first time. A weight lifted... until I realized he'd dig his heels in and cling angrily to denial. I'm having a hard time with knowing how to deal with that. So far, I've learned to just keep my mouth shut about the "A" word and go to therapy with him every week.

So... here's my question. It's actually a 2 part question. Does this description below sound like something you can relate to? If it does, can you try explaining why there is such an intense preoccupation with opposition and placing blame on others rather than listening and attempting to understand? Why can't my husband hear what I'm saying when it's very grounded and logical? He's such a logical person, until he's triggered by one of his many touchy topics. Typically something that requires him to look at himself and take responsibility for something he IS or ISN'T doing that's causing imbalance or toxicity in our family/marriage.

My husband displays intense emotional meltdowns when he feels opposed (just hearing someone express an opinion that is different than his own); he's incapable of having a conversation in these moments, becomes intense, rigid, inflexible, forceful and aggressive with no compassion or empathy for others (typically me). Oddly enough, he's a very logical person when he's not in the midst of a disagreement or meltdown. Unable to see things from another perspective. Turns into incessant off topic nit-picking. ALWAYS disagrees when he has a different perspective, usually rooted in denial, self-preservation, fear or guilt. Becomes locked and stuck and then repeats his position over and over and over without letting up. Leads to a meltdown. Unable to "let go" of things he can't change or control. Always focused on the literal interpretation of what I say. Constant debate over semantics. Drives me nuts. Turns everything around on me. Everything is my fault. Rather than empathy, he displays opposition that feels stubborn, cold, selfish and mean. Unable to comfort. Can not see how this is hurtful or inappropriate. Getting through to him is oftentimes next to impossible.

Any feedback would be appreciated!! Trying to figure out how to communicate with him so we can live in peace. Even though I fall on the spectrum myself, I'm affected in ways that are entirely (with the exception of a few things) different than him, which makes it hard to find common ground when it comes to communication.

Thank you for taking the time to listen...

What your husband is exhibiting is not a necessary aspect of Aspergers.

Many Aspergians are not touchy like your husband. And many respond to logic. Something tells me something else is amiss, rather than merely Aspergers.

I believe your husband needs counseling, and/or a psychological evaluation. to sort out why he gets so touchy about so many things.

I am well known as a rather stubborn guy and I will admit if I am approached wrong I can be defensive and shutdown and ignore anything outside what I deem acceptable despite the fact I am being completely unreasonable. It took a lot of work on myself to try to keep an open mind when people are trying to show me something about myself or to let me know that i am doing something bad or wrong. For awhile some people that had more patience than I deserved would "walk on eggshells" around me and try to get me to realize that I was unhealthy. I hope that with a counselor's help your husband will learn the techniques to be more receptive and hopefully start to accept his diagnosis. Good luck to you both!

I've been able to make significant changes to help a relationship. From what I've read and heard, sociopaths don't change, or even get worse when challenged.

I don't see him as being a Sociopath, but I've been wrong before. Our therapy is SO UNPRODUCTIVE. The blame game is getting old. Wondering why the therapist doesn't start explaining more about the dynamic and how to address it. No use in arguing for 1 hour and going home. Our marriage is worse in therapy than it is at home. By far.

We can't address anything because of his blatant lying about something that happened or was said, all in an effort to avoid blame or fault. It makes therapy impossible and VERY emotional for me. My problem is that I seem to get so backed into a corner emotionally, that I'm unable to process all of it and I just cry without any ability to speak. It's so frustrating. On top of that I have a hard time expressing myself verbally when I'm frequently interrupted (difficulty focusing is ALSO very frustrating & frequent) and my husband is so articulate and quick on his feet, I feel defeated before I've even begun. Is this what a normal therapy session is like for 2 married aspies? I'm curious what the experience is like for others.

What happens when you confront him with the lies, and give evidence that he is lying?

I'm also wondering if they counselor does any one-on-one work if there is little to no progress while you are both together in sessions. Also, does the counselor not moderate as well? Seems pointless if they just let you two have at it.

viewtopic.php?t=275874
Thread on couples therapy. My opinion is that if a therapist isn't familiar with Aspergers's the good intentions and expertise with normal couples isn't enough to be helpful.

Well, Lucy he does sound to be on the spectrum, if a bit confrontational for an Aspie. However, it sounds like he is one. If you both are, you need a Psychologist and not a marriage counsellor. No NT counsellor will be able to understand your minds. He needs to accept what he is and move on.

You would probably have more success with hypno-therapy rather than conventional-therapy.

I will tell you about an interesting story that I remember reading (although it seems to have disappeared from the book for some reason that I suspect might be related to The Mandela-Effect). Anyway, within the book described a case where there was a couple who had marital-problems, and neither of them could figure out what was happening. This was a case where the man was being abused and/or humiliated by his wife in any and every way possible to make his life as miserable as possible, yet he was what many would consider to be a perfect husband, such that all of her friends were even jealous of her for having such a great man. They went to multiple therapists and marriage-counsellors but none of those sessions did anything to help with their marriage. One day, they were referred to a hypnotherapist, and they agreed to give it a try since nothing else was working to resolve their marriage-issues.

They went through hypnotic-regression sessions in order to determine if there was any historic root-cause or perhaps «hypnotic-triggers» that may have been the source of their marital-issues. Somehow, the regressions eventually went all the way into their past-lives, revealing that the woman was a former Jew in Nazi Germany and that the man was a Nazi Soldier during WWII, and the memories that they had pulled out from the sub-consciousness, with its roots in Nazi-Germany, explained how and why the give-and-take interactions within their marriage were so bizarrely one-sided. Turned out that the former Jewish lady was trapped in a tram-car, and the Nazi-German Soldier witnessed this, but he ignored her screams and pleas for him to help her escape, instead to continue on with his patrol.

The Nazi-German soldier later on felt guilty about leaving the Jewish woman to be trapped in the tram, returning the next day/week (I don't remember the specific amount of time but it was either a day later or three days later or at maximum a week later), only to find that he was too late, for she was already dead by the time he returned, witnessing through the window of her corpse looking at him as-if to say : «You did this...! This is your fault ! It's your fault that I died, even though you could have easily saved my life, yet you left me here all alone to die ! I will never forgive you ! » The Nazi-German Soldier was quite devastated about what he had just witnessed, resulting in such an extreme feeling of guilt that he was responsible for the unnecessary death of an innocent Jewish lady, that he swore to himself and to God and to the universe and to fate itself that if it were at all possible to make it up to her for letting her down, then he would want to do anything possible to make things right over such a tragedy.

Simultaneously, according to the woman's past-life-hypnotic-regression, she also swore a promise that, were it to be possible to so do to the man, the she would never forgive him, but would try to make his life an absolute misery and as much of a hell for him as possible, for in her mind, that man was responsible for her death due to ignoring her. Upon learning of their past-lives, they finally understood what was going on in their marriage and, according to that particular documented case (although I think it might no longer be documented due to what I think is a Mandela-Effect), follow-ups with them indicated that they no longer had any more problems or issues in their marriage, now that they finally understood the root-cause of why they had such a turbulent-marriage. This was an American-couple by the way. This may sound strange to those who are not familiar with para-normal research but, for those who have done their homework, the effect of past-lives influencing the present is not necessarily surprising (phobias are often found to be due to death from what someone fears during a previous life, for example, arachnophobia due to death from a spider in a past-life, fear of heights due to death from falling from on high in a past-life, fear of crowded spaces due to having died in the rubble of an earth-quake or similar in a past-life, etc., subjects who then find themselves cured of their phobias after learning about the root-cause of their phobia due to having been from a death in a previous life-existence).

Also, compulsive-lying is a psychological-disorder, and I tend to stay away from people who are compulsive-liars.

He changes the subject very quickly and knows to press a trigger in me so that I easily forget about what I've just caught him lying about. I've heard from other spouses that their partner will often lie to get out of facing blame or responsibility for something that they would have to take responsibility for. Having ASD I can't handle the overload of info in therapy once he retaliates by pushing my buttons, especially with so many emotions attached to it all... and it just becomes a jumbled emotional mess for me with no clarity and extreme internal frustration. He refuses to admit he's lied and gets IRATE when he's being accused of lying -- complete loss of emotional control.

Unfortunately, she will not see us individually since we are there for marriage counseling. That makes it so difficult for me to be honest with her. If I am, I'm cut off and shut down by him if he doesn't like where it's going. The Therapist seems very competent. She's an ASD specialist and the head of an organization that addresses autism in adults and children. Although, I feel very let down with the progress we haven't made over the last few months. I'd like her to quit avoiding the topic of Aspergers since it is clearly the reason behind all of our problems. I'm a researching fanatic and if I could just get my thoughts out of my mind I could break it down so much better in therapy. Unfortunately, my husband swears he does not have Aspergers and it's like she won't touch his denial with a 10' pole. Isn't that her job? To be real with us and explain why the dynamic is so toxic... right?!

I've actually seen people accuse Aspies about lying about something that is said when it's not actually lying. What it might be instead is the missing of non-verbal cues in addition to what is said, which NT's remember as being something that is said but which the aspie misses. In other words it's interpretation of the same words differently but not actually lying, just miscommunication.

She's actually the head of an organization that provides therapy and other services to individuals who fall on the spectrum, including diagnosis, marital therapy, individual therapy, group sessions, etc. So, she is very well versed in the field. We've already been to see two other unqualified therapists before I realized that ASD was even a possible reality. Now I know it is. He's just in massive denial and it makes resolution impossible.

A diagnosis can be resisted or unwelcome (college kid, a little rough)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tVEEfOGQhs

There can be a defensive component to Aspergers that creates misunderstanding which then exacerbates feelings of hurt and prompts a counter attack.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1izup2uX3U

If a person has a neurology that accentuates sensations, intensifies thought processing, and produces a focus of attention that can exclude consideration of others, that person may experience difficulties in attempting to communicate with others.

It might be helpful to not try to label your husband but instead ask him if he perceives difficulties in communication and what management tactics might be employed to reduce those difficulties. For example, if a person feels attacked or defensive, two people might arrange a signaling system such that a raised hand automatically brings a five minute “time out” to allow for a break in what might otherwise escalate into a more harmful exchange.

A focus on "what to do" might be more productive than "what you are".

Does she think that he's got Asperger's? If he hasn't been officially diagnosed, then some people go through a phase of denial before accepting it. Different people react to it differently, some will initially go through denial while others think that it describes them. Maybe the therapist doesn't want to broach the subject with him because she doesn't want put a label on it making him the "wrong" party. How has she been approaching the counselling?