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Just letting you now, this woman I’m with is an Aspie like me

I’ve never been in this situation, where your “dating” a girl, she’s thinking about getting serious with you. Also she’s “dating” another guy (his name is Zeke) she told you about, that she’s thinking about getting serious with as well. It hurts a lot, especially when Zeke is saying they are a thing to our group of friends, and when she is cracking jokes and acting like they really are a thing, posting a GIF saying “I feel so alive right now!” And saying “You’ve got this Zeke.” Seeing the two of them discuss what Jedi Tunic Meagan should buy, is hard. The other friends congratulating them. Ryan did comment saying “so you guys listened to me.” Ryan is going to be mentioned a little later. Is this what being cheated on feels like, or better yet a mistress feels like, man does it suck.

My situation with her is that I can’t say anything about our “dating”, (which is a trial relationship) to anybody. She especially doesn’t want Zeke, which is our mutual friend to know. Even though Ryan did come to her at a gathering of friends the night before the morning where Zeke made his announcement. Ryan said that he knew about us. So he might’ve told the Zeke to just go for it. So awhile later at the gathering, the Zeke stopped me and her and wanted to talk to her privately, I let them. Then right afterwards she told me that they began a trial. So yeah, I think Ryan wanted Zeke to be with her, because he knows Zeke a lot better and a lot longer than he does me. I’ve only known Ryan for like two days.

As we were leaving the gathering my head was all over the place. I was thinking does everybody know about me and her now. Me and her were talking to Zeke before we went to our cars. As I was leaving for my car she said to me to follow her, she was very sleep deprived. I got to my car and turned it on, I saw Zeke get into her car. Then jealousy hit, it was very minor the first hour, but just it just kept getting worse. They weren’t doing anything just talking, as far as I cloud tell. I did pull up at the side of letting her know I was waiting for her. As soon as I arrived home I checked my phone, their was a text from her saying “Zeke needed to borrow my phone to call someone. That’s what was going on.” I thanked her for letting me know.

A new day arrives, she sent another text. Thankfully she sent me a text before I saw all of the comments, “When you read the group chat don’t get the wrong idea. Zeke and I are on trial like you and I are.” Then I saw the comments and texted back, “Ok, do you think Zeke knows about us?” Her response “I’m not sure.” I texted back “I wonder if Ryan told him or anyone else?” She texted back “Kristen and Kankle know about me and Zeke, I hope this doesn’t get out of hand.” My response “I’ve been in situations just like this before, it didn’t get out of hand in my past experiences.” She said she’ll take my word on it.

I’m so upset I just want to block all contact with the entire group, for a long time. I couldn’t really eat anything for the entire day. It seems like the holidays are going to rough this year. I’m staying away from Facebook and Messenger. I’ll try to keep contact up with her. Who knows I might just talk to Zeke about this completely separate from the group. I might not do the after mentioned things. I’m the kind of guy who just up and leaves, without saying anything to anybody. I simply vanish.

Now I don’t know what to do in this situation, because I thought she was going to get my trial over and done with before she moved on to Zeke. Not start a trial when she’s in a trial with me. So I may be straight with Zeke the next time I see him. That I’ve been in a trial 5 weeks before him, and I agreed to be discreet about it. I can’t think of any more options, I’m writing this on the day of. I only had four hours of sleep because of jealousy and an increasingly upset stomach.

The following paragraphs will describe what happened 5 weeks before all of this.

I’m the only one to blame, because I agreed to it. The second after she said she was interested, she said to keep it discreet. She did tell me about Zeke, before we started the trial. I went through with because she offered it as a one time deal.

She told me that she hates putting me in this position and hates to place a grudge for me. She’s never had feelings fort two guys before. In other words, she’s torn between two guys. She also said she’s going to feel bad for the guy she doesn’t choose. She’s even asked her brother for advice on what to do, he said just choose one. I asked about the other guy she said we are a lot alike, basically the same person and she doesn’t know how to compare the two of us. She said we both respect her, a lot of guys don’t respect her. She told me the only reason, why she won’t date him is, because he smokes and likes doings drugs.

I did the comparison, he’s NT has his crap together, and is a year younger than her. I’m ten years older, on the spectrum like her, and I don’t have my crap together. How I don’t have my crap together is that I make minimum wage part time and I still live with my parents in my 30’s. A situation that will and has drove women away, even when it comes to just being friends. Knowing me if I was her brother, I’d advise her to choose the one that has his crap together. But that won’t happen until he quits smoking and drugs.

Day 2: I still don’t have an appetite, I’m still being rocked, my mood is just strange. With thoughts of what is Zeke and her doing over the phone or something. Haven’t felt this kind of despair in a long time. If I lose her to him, then where will I go to meet new people. I’m just going to up and leave the group and stop going to the gatherings every Wednesday. For sure I’ll stop talking to her. I’m going to be on square one again in a lot of different ways.

Losing a person that understands you is very hard to deal with. I still remember the first time when I lost a girl like that, going back to the building the following year was a very surreal experience. Before that I was just trying to deal with loss for a good month and a half. I was not myself during that time. That made for a very brutal holiday season. I couldn’t look at anything involving Kelsey for years afterwards.

Will Meagan be the next Kelsey? Well if she doesn’t choose me, then I will do what said in one of the previous paragraphs. In other words I will ghost them without saying a word. I just can’t stand losing women like that, at all. It is just a tormenting experience, that’ll demolish you mentally. I just remove them from my life completely, with no possibility continuing as friends.

Still thinking if I should come clean, with the entire group, or just one person at a time. I am definitely not cut out to have a girl I’m with being with another guy at the same time. I learned that about myself, I wonder how long I can go. I haven’t checked any social media. If you want to get off of social media, this is the way to do it. Basically I’m in Mistress mode.

It’s late in Day 2: My mood improved significantly, my appetite has came back. I still haven’t looked at any social media. I’m not going to for a long time.

Day 3: So here is what I’m going to say, “As much this will pain me as it may cause you pain, it must be said, or be a coward and say nothing at all and leave you wondering. Just letting you know if you chose anyone else but me, I’m going to leave. I’m going to block all contact from you, I’m going to change the groups to different days. You will not see me at your job. I will stop checking messenger and Facebook completely. I will not go to sabers at all. I won’t keep contact with anyone from sabers. I’m going to be at square one in a lot of different ways. They will be no possibility continuing as friends. I’ll just be a person in your memory. The loss will be too hard to bear, this might be the second time in 5 years. The other girls name is Kelsey, even though it happened 5 years ago, I still can’t look at anything involving her. This might be a very sad time for me, I understand how cruel and brutal love can be. The emotions that I’m feeling and will feel is just a natural part of love. I don’t know if you believe in God, yet I believe he’s either punishing me or testing me very hard, my 20’s were hell. My 30’s are better. I’m almost in tears writing this.”

I’m going to be depressed the rest of the day. Nothing is set in stone, I still don’t know if I’ll do any of this.

Last edited by DevilMayAsian on 29 Sep 2018, 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I would stay far away from this woman.

I’d like to know what you see in her, given what you read. FYI she’s an Aspie just like me.

I see that she wants her cake, and she wants to eat it, too—at your expense,

I’m wondering if she knows what she’s doing, she is very lacking in knowledge of relationships. I asked her before all this happened, and the question was “So, what should I do about my ex that wants to get back together?” She said “I’m not the best person to ask this, I think she just wants to be friends.”

She is taking a relationships class to gain more knowledge.

I read the whole thing. Odd situation.

If I were you I would NOT say any of the paragraph above. NONE of it. It wreaks of woe-is-me emotional blackmail and will be a total turnoff that drives her away. It's like the stereotypical "I'll kill myself if you leave me," BS some depressed people try to pull on their partners. Making someone be with you so you don't feel bad is Not cool & entirely unattractive. If you say those words, they will have the exact opposite effect that you hope they would.

What I would do instead:

As bizarre as this double "trial agreement," thing sounds to me (although it is not all that uncommon for a woman to date more than one guy concurrently if she's undecided whether she wants a relationship with either etc.), you've agreed to it & agreed to be discreet about it. Be a man of your word and follow through as agreed and be patient and let her decide. Under no circumstances should you go blab about it to others (even though some already know), or the other guy, because you agreed not to. What purpose would that serve? Chances are it would show her that you can't keep your word or a secret and those are not good behaviours to show her when you're trying to impress her.

Just be yourself. Be your most positive self & put your best foot forward kind of thing. Continue being a gentleman and respecting her etc, be friendly, make her laugh, make some fun memories when you're with her. Show her what being with you in a more serious relationship would be more of - don't threaten her with your being distraught & destroyed if she chooses the other guy. That's just a terrible move because it'd drive her away from you and towards him - and if she were to be manipulated by you, then you'd always wonder if she choose you because she wanted to or because she felt obligated to so you didn't get hurt. I wouldn't want that on my mind if I were you. You'll fair far better putting a positive vibe out there into her world than you will bringing her down.

Also, if she does choose the other guy, I can understand excommunicating her from your life to make things easier on you. Just don't be a jerk to her, him, or other friends about it. Annnnd, accept that her decision is her decision and what she feels is best for her at this moment in time. As long as you put your best self forward, you'll have done everything you can. If she's more attracted to the other guy there's exactly Zero you can do about that. One great mind trick to help that whole thought process is the very classic "If you love someone/something, set them free," kind of thinking. Let her be free to choose who makes her happy.. and if you love her and want her to be happy, then in time you'll find comfort in the thought that she's happy & if that other guy is the person that makes her happy, then be happy for her happiness & accept and respect that he's the one to do that for her.

I'm glad you posted your thoughts about all of this here so that we could have a read and give you our feedback. I really think you needed a different perspective on this all & I hope my words help.

I don’t like the situation at all.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe all this is owing to a sort of naïveté on her part.

But you are, in effect, the second banana to Zeke.

And she knows it.

It’s just not good to be a second banana to anybody. She will never totally respect you.

My ex didn’t respect me, I told her to keep it discreet because we worked together and still do. She told a lot of people about, and after we broke up, she said “I might’ve led you on.” After that she texted me “Leave me alone forever please.”

Any ways to make women respect you? Will be much appreciated.

The best way, really, is to think of women as being people, rather than women, when you first start hanging out with them.

Talk to them (mostly) like you would talk to your buddies. The exception being “guy stuff” where they might lament their lack of success with women.

Women are not mystical creatures. They can be hard for men to understand at times. But so can men to women.

They like “real” conversations. Talking about family is usually a good starting point.

I’ve been at this for a long time, you seem like you see social deficits in me, in getting a GF. Can you please explain what these deficits are. It seems like you knocking me, just a little bit.

The best way to be respected is to be respectable. If your actions and behaviours aren’t respectable, you won’t be respected. Consider analyzing how you behave that doesn’t get you any respect and taking a look at the behaviours of others that you recognize as being highly respected people & then plan on learning from their behaviours.

And umm, your social deficits are autism.

I don’t sense you have “social deficits.” I have no idea if you have them.

You asked me how to gain women’s respect. I gave you my answer.

How have I “knocked” you?

I used to think women were “mystical creatures.” Then I started thinking about things, and I also received some advice. I used to stutter at the sight of women. I couldn’t ask a woman out without stuttering.

Uh, it’s pretty obvious by his “Day 3,” post that he has significant social deficits.

I thought you knocked me, but that is a misunderstanding on my part.

I thought I got rid of the deficits, I’d like to what type of deficits you see in me. I thought the only deficit I have is poor conversational ability. Other than that I think I perform better than most NT’s in all other areas, for how much time I put into them. I get into arguments with my therapist sometimes over this.

Sometimes, supposed “deficits” merely are “differences.” Sometimes, they are actually “deficits.”

I have both deficits and differences.

I feel like the OP was being used.

I don’t feel it’s because of deficits, necessarily. I feel more like he dug this girl, and couldn’t “see the forest for the trees.” I’ve experienced this many times.

I feel like he would do better if he made sure he wasn’t a second banana.

The girl dropped him like a hot potato once she knew she really dug Zeke.