Can’t sleep next to my partner

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This seems to be a reoccurring thing were I’m unable to fall asleep next to someone. I can literally be awake all night trying to sleep. I think it’s my anxiety levels but I don’t know how to manage it. Anyone else out there had the same thing, and how did you deal with it besides letting time do it’s thing?

I can't help you there. I'm the opposite. I don't like to be touched by others in daily life (e.g. getting bumped or brushed up against, having someone tap me, put their hand on me, hand shakes, etc) but I have always liked having someone to sleep next to. It feels good.

Same. The kinds of people I interact with the most are touchy-feely folks, so I just deal. I also have several female students who on rare occasions get huggy...and being a band teacher, that’s just not cool. With students I just explain that it weirds me out (it really doesn’t with them, but still...I prefer not taking any chances.

With my wife, though...I’d rather have her there than not. She likes to burrow her feet under my leg when she sleeps and it’s like having my leg massaged. There’s even a spot on my right leg that has all the hair rubbed off from her doing that.

I have a suggestion: I recently bough a set of Aftershokz to wear while working out. Yesterday I was taking a bath to escape the cold, turned on my Aftershokz with earplugs in. Bone conduction + earplugs = noise cancelling. Good stuff. My suggestion is try something like that and see if that makes sleeping any easier.

I'm the same way guys. I HATED sleeping alone when I was single but the only person I ever want to be affectionate with are people I'm majorly attracted to like romantic partners & a celeb crush.

It might help if the OP & his partner just lay in bed & cuddle a lot when they're not trying to sleep. If the problems sleeping really are due to anxiety, it may also help to take an anxiety med before bed like a benzodiazepine just for a short term. They can help with anxiety & sleep. I think the OP just has to get used to laying & falling asleep next to his partner & he may have to get used to it again with new partners.

I'm like that also, but I want to be able to sleep next to my partner, itd so frustrating though

Good tips, thanks. We have been cuddling but it doesnt seem to help. I did manage to sleep last night next to him though which was a surprise. I think it was my meditation excersises I did about 10 mins before he got in bed, lol

Serious question... how big is your bed? 6 foot bed = plenty of space and less chance of offending your partner = bliss.

Avoid anxiety inducing activities.

Last edited by BTDT on 19 Feb 2019, 11:27 am, edited 2 times in total.

It's a king size

I can't say as I'm doing anything that causes anxiety, it just seems to happen at night. Ive had in in the past when i shared a bedroom

I'd suggest no Internet or TV before going to bed.

I found it relaxing to do puzzles or play Scrabble on the computer.
Sometimes I'll do some reading on the Kindle or an old fashioned book.

I have a "british" king size bed, which is 5'. A 6' bed is a whole different thing... maybe try a night in a hotel with one. If you already have 6 or even 7 foot bed... ignore this.

From a life-long insomniac. You can't force yourself to sleep, and (especially if it leads to frustration) the harder you try, the less likely it is that you will sleep. So, you need to find a way to take that pressure off yourself; not to see it as some kind of failure, however small, when you're not able to sleep. Don't underestimate the effects of chronic sleep deprivation, either; the effects on mood and libido will do your relationship no good at all.

I simply can't sleep with another person in the room, never mind the same bed (caveat: I've only been in a bed-sharing relationships for [very small number]% of my life). But I know other insomniacs, including other chronic sufferers in my family, who have the same problem - and some are in very enduring, happy marriages.

A couple of questions...
How honest are you with your partner about this problem and how it's affecting you; is it something that you feel you can discuss without hurting your partner's feelings?
How easy would it be to arrange a separate, but nearby, place for you to sleep?

If your answers to these would be at all positive, then I'd suggest negotiating a way to take the pressure off yourself. If you can't sleep, switch to plan B. Maybe not every night. Maybe not all night. But at least enough that sleep deprivation doesn't further complicate the problem.

Just having the option there, and reassurance that it does not offend your partner may, ironically, make it easier to sleep in the same bed - it takes the pressure off yourself to perform (ahem! - I really, truly did not intend to write that as a double-entendre [...childish sniggering...].) For some couples, sharing a bed every night just doesn't work well, because of different sleep cycles or need for sensory isolation; but that doesn't mean that you have to lose the intimacy from your relationship - some couples with these kinds of flexible sleeping arrangements will even tell you that it makes the "snuggly" nights even more [ahem!] for both partners.

Yeah he knows how it bothers me and it bothers him too that I cant sleep, and end up going into another room, so when he wakes up im not there. It kinda ruins the intimacy with us, but the last time he was here i took a sleeping pill, slept, and then the following night I also slept which was a miracle. I did wake up early mind you, but at least i still slept. I think it's gonna be a case of time and becoming used to sharing a bed.

Try melatonin

Funny story, I tried a pill of Melatonin, a cup of tea with two chamomile and peppermint tea bags in, and an antihistamine to knock me the f out, and still didnt work lol