How to meet someone

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Hi,

I'm late 30s and have never been on a date at all. I don't want to sound bitter here, it's just how my life has worked out, partly by choice, but also not really a choice. I've heard all the clichés - 'you're still young, it'll happen when happens, get out of your comfort zone' and more besides. Just drivel.

I'm pretty horrified at the prospect of reaching my 40s without any experience. My sense is if I do I'll want to hurt myself in some way, I already have experience of that from several years ago and it's how I came to be diagnosed with AS.

I'm only 3 dating apps, I think about 70% of what's on there is rubbish. So many blank profiles. I know with the lockdown it's a really weird time to consider online dating. I'm talking to someone now on POF. I don't think she's really my type, the messages have all been fine, pleasant. The apps are very addictive and it's frustrating not being able to see who likes you unless you cough up money which so far I'm not going to.

Last year was my first experience of asking someone out and it was without doubt the hardest thing I've ever done. We had built up a connection in real life (running) and I found her to be very kind, encouraging and approachable. I said that straight to her face some months before ask her out, and it was appreciated. I was little rattled when I did ask her out that she's with someone. It knocked me back a bit because it took so much mental energy to actually ask her after about 18 months of speaking to her. It was hard to see her running in the weeks and months after and the outcome was not her fault, or mine. I've had other opportunities to ask people in the past (not many), but never did.

It's hard to say whether I've friends or not as I've not seen them in a few years. My main hobby is running. I can appear quite social, but don't really integrate well and find it hard to make the leap to start a friendship.

My psychologist is familiar with all of the above and more. She said I've nothing to apologise for in asking the woman out and I know that. I'm so embarrassed of my lack of experience, it drives a lot of self-hate. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

I’m almost 50, I never went on a real date, I went on a group outhing with an ex-boyfriend,but not a real date. It’s hard for me too.

If I was asked out and couldn’t go out with them for whatever reason, I’d feel flattered. I know it’s embarrassing but I’m very sure she doesn’t feel that way. And you did a really brave thing! That’s really good. Sometimes things are hard but that doesn’t mean we should stop. (:

I'm 41 and have never been on a real date. I simply lack the ability to meet single women. Going back to when I was in high school, if I met a female I found interesting and wanted to ask out, she'd have a boyfriend or be married.

I know what you mean. I feel like I am the queen of unrequited love. I either love them and they don't love me, or I love then and they don't love me. Yes, i said that twice. I have even grown tired of trying. I was married at one time even. Ten years ago we divorced. He was the first person that suspected aspergers. we are still friends, and he trusts me to cat-sit for him every once in a while. I just feel like there is something wrong with me.

Its been hard to meet people lately.. I have just felt so weird and different from everyone else. I just tend to immerse myself into work a lot and call it good, but i am lonely. My only close friend is a guy who is a strange fellow as well. We dated for a while, but we were better off as friends, so we stayed friends. He was the second person to suspect aspergers in me.
I would ideally would just love to meet someone who was loving and supportive. 'neurotypical' or not. I sometimes fear relationships, because i am afraid of becoming obsessive, or being controlled.

Here are my thoughts based on my experience (doing dating apps with discouraging results until finally meeting my wife on Zoosk). Most of the people on there won't respond, no matter how much thought you put into your messages. Of the ones that do, because you contacted them first, there's a much higher chance that they won't reciprocate (compared to cases where they came to you first). In some ways, it makes more sense to wait for others to come to us (which is often what women do on these). It can be hard because most of the attractive women out there are just waiting for men to come to them, so you'll feel that's what you're supposed to do. FWIW the woman I ended up marrying was one of those women who reached out to me first (and I was literally the first person she talked to on a dating site). During that time, I had a nice picture of myself smiling as a profile pic, also it was a full body picture taken outside by someone else (which I think helps). Now keep in mind you'll receive many messages from women you just aren't interested in as well (what women have to deal with a lot of the time). But it's a good screening process, since at least you know they're interested, and that's more than half the work right there. I would recommend reaching out to women of course, but there's something to be said for waiting to see what comes your way as well.

The goal here is to get you a date that you think could possibly work out. There's a good chance the first one will go nowhere -- or worse, you'll miss each other entirely (due to some mixup or something, it can happen). If you think there's absolutely no chance (like you know you could never be romantic with this person), then probably you shouldn't bother. It's easier to gauge the likelihood of you guys hitting it off if you already know they're basically interested. If you think there's some chance it could work, I'd say go through with it. Dates are challenging and they make us nervous, moreso if you're inexperienced. It's actually impossible to know if it could work out, without a first and sometimes a second or third date (or even more) date. When I met my wife, I was pretty skeptical by that point. But I was quickly able to gauge our "chemistry" based on the last several dates I had, which were of varying degrees of success.

In 4.5 years I only had a grand total of 5 dates (with 3 women) before I met my wife, and none of them went anywhere substantial (beyond a handshake or a hug). I sent out dozens and dozens of messages to women, maybe into the hundreds. The vast majority did not get back to me. I had quite a few women I talked to online for a while, and came close to setting up a date with, but just never quite got there. Lots of women hit on me who I just had no attraction to. I found it was hard to truly set something up with someone who I thought it might work out with. Talking online etc is one thing but to move to dating mode takes some confidence, trust, assertiveness, patience, etc from both parties. What I discovered is that the specifics of the date do not really matter. What matters is whether you're right for each other. All you need is to get the two of you in the same place at the same time with some time set aside to talk and so forth, and see what happens. If you're good for each other it'll work out, if not, it won't.

Also, it's really best if you can just afford to pay for the basic subscription on these sites. Not the one that gives you all the extra stuff, but not the free one either. The free ones make it really hard to actually get what you need which is communication etc.

Basement, this woman that you wasted 18 months for just to ask her out:
- Did she frequently initiate texting with you (if any)?
- Did she ever introduce you to her close friends?
- Did she ever wanted you to accompany her to social events?
- In an outing, did she often choose to sit next to you?
- Did she ever invite you to something?
- Did she ever flirt you?

I have a feeling it will be a No for all these questions.

Read this please: http://dev.wrongplanet.net/forums/viewt ... p?t=387442

Hi all,

Me an a friend of mine want to make a dating app for people with autism. We both have family and friends with autism and know it is hard for them to find a partner or even find a date.

We Know a lot of sites have failed, and we know some of the reasons why. We feel there isn’t a site that has took everything into consideration to make things a lot better, easier, successful for people to meet their special someone in this world.

We want to try a new approach to try and make life a lot easier to find love. We want to cover every basis of what the site should or shouldn’t have for its users.

We know it has to be something totally different, something people can use with ease, with confidence, a place to not just find a new partner, but new friends.
Maybe have group chats on the app? Quizzes on certain subjects? Something that gets you talking with others and gets you to know other people a little so if you do feel that you like them it might give you a little bit more confidence to start a private chat with them?

We would like to hear other peoples thoughts on this and ideas.
What do you think a dating app for people with autism should or shouldn’t have?
Thanks