No friends, but constantly having guys "wanting" me

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Hey people!

After years and years of being caught up in this weird cycle(more than 7 years), I would like to just write down what’s on my mind, share my story and maybe have some inputs from other people too. I don’t really know what to think about myself sometimes. Cause I kinda end up being lonely all the time.

I’m 25 years old (female) now and I’ve been diagnosed with Asperger (and social anxiety) when I was 14 years old. I still struggle to find true and long-lasting friends, eventho my social skills got very good and my social anxiety is pretty low meanwhile. I worked VERY hard to get to that point and to be socially so successful. When I was young I didn’t have much friends at school and I was absolutely non-verbal to boys. My social anxiety was very very strong.. But my sociallife now doesn’t seem to be typical Asperger-like, but not NT-like either. I end up being in weird situations ALL THE TIME. So first of all I wanna describe my dilemma:

Fact is, that I constantly experience guys, which I have interactions or friendships with, end up having feelings or sexual desires for me. And no, it’s not just an assumption, they all show it very clearly in one way or another. Sometimes I have no clue what I exactly did to make this happen. And this is a big problem for me, cause I’m still looking for friends, and not necessarily a partner or someone to share my bed with.
Probably most(or all) of my longer lasting friendships with guys in my past were based on their previous feelings, intentions or obsessions towards me. And this somehow makes me feel worthless. Because apparently I’m not worth a friendship, I’m only worth what I can offer them..(my body or my commitment). Sometimes I even experienced rude reactions by men, when I refused to give them what they wanted. Often I feel intimidated by men.

The thing I'm sure about(and that's just my personality), is that I'm simply nice (and polite) to literally everybody. I’m very open and meanwhile very talkative as well. And that seems to be an unusual thing in the society we're living in right now(?!). Or am I wrong? I crave social exchange somehow, even if it's still very exhausting and complicated for me.
The dilemma at the end is, that I feel lonely. So I keep letting people into my life. I also struggle to say no, cause I wanna give these opportunities to have new people in my life a chance. And often this leads to disrespecting myself by doing things I don't really want, because they’re putting so much pressure on me.

I'm probably a good observer. That's how got my social skills. So if I observe other girls that have platonic friendships with guys or if I observe platonic friendships between male and female in general, I don't seem to find "the magic key", that makes the guy stay in a respectful distance to the girl. Or I can't find the key that makes the guy value the girl for her personality and doesn't make her to be "a thing to want/have/get". I don't know what they're doing different. I tried so many different things already, trying to change the way I behave..

Overall I experienced so much in the past 10 years, it’s hard to put all of these things in words. I had in total five official relationships and many other men I had “something” with. We’re talking about a countless number of men that that had interests in me and that I had to push away. And all of my official relationships started extremely fast and some ended after a few months. There was barely time to get to know each other or build up trust. Every time I was the one that broke up, cause I was overwhelmed and I realized, that it all happened way too fast. And I’m just sick of it. I need a BREAK and I need to BREATHE. But the moment I end it with one guy, it feels like there’s already another one waiting somewhere… WHY?!

I feel bad and kinda guilty for it, cause at the end it always turns out me being the bad person. Me being not clear enough to them (apparently). I feel like if I’m not harsh to men, they won’t leave me alone. Idk.. They kinda don’t always respect me, cause they think I’m “open”. But it’s not the case. And if I push them all away from me, they’d probably say that I’m arrogant and I would end up being alone as always anyway. I don’t think that an NT would really understand the issue behind it and that’s why I write it here, cause for me it must have something to do with my autism or my social anxiety.

What annoys me the most is, that I really like to surround myself with men and less with women. Cause I feel like it’s very difficult for me to connect with girls + I often don’t know what and how to talk to them and they make me feel uncomfortable and mostly very bad. I had many bad experiences with girls, they often are disrespectful and jealous. I can better relate to men in the way I think and what interests me. Sometimes I tried to talk to girls the same way I talk to guys, but it seems to be “weird”, idk... Another thing is, that I can build up very good connections with people that are more than 20 years older than me (or simply older generations), no matter which gender. They are very respectful and “normal” to me and they are clearly not part of the issue. But back to people in my age(+/- 10 years)...

Sometimes I was really disgusted by some people. Harassment over text by people I knew, and they actually thought they could be successful with their stupid actions. I just can’t believe…

I just don’t know how to change the way I behave. Cause I realize it, when it's too late. When the guy has feelings, there's no chance for friendship anymore...

A very interesting post.....

Besides being an honestly good person in short supply these days) you possess a special radiant energy that people want to be near. You have a solid awareness of these individuals and have done a good job at deflecting unwanted advances. From time to time I experience similar experiences with females, not to the extent that you describe, but enough to understand the bewilderment you have concerning the phenomenon. Sorry no real answers, only understanding.

Personally, I don’t believe there’s a real platonic 1-to-1 friendship between single hetero men and single hetero women without any motif, especially at your age. It is extremely rare.

Yes most of these want to date you thro friendship.

How many male «friends » you have right now? As a total count?

Without any reason nobody will ever approach you or want to be with you. You don't want guys to have sexual interest but without this nobody will approach you except may be you are very wealthy. Why should they have interest into you? May be one thing NTs additional want is a deep emotional connection. It's nothing that's as easily possible at all for people of the spectrum who lack the empathy or the required feelings for establishing emotional connections. I'm able to this in case of eye contact only. To value you for your personality, knowledge, brightness aso. isn't an NT thing at all. They are nearly in general quite calculating towards others and nearly never just a self-less and totally positive towards you. Beside of this remains the question here which traits of you are the ones that make you great. How about telling a little bit about you? (Once you don't like to do in public the you can also do it using PM to me.) Your selective mutism makes me feel really sorry for you. I know how the ones who have it do suffer from this sh*t. It's mostly kind of an anxiety disorder. Best is to have always a plan how to deal with it by signaling in nonverbal way that you just need an urgent break. This can reduce your anxiety as well and you are less likely becoming that way.
Btw. I like the colors of your avatar but not the hopless facial expression. Would be nice to see you being totally happy.

_________________
I am as I am. Life has to be an adventure!

I do understand and I remember it was terrible. I had no clue as to what I was doing that was making men think I was wanting sex when I just wanted to be friends. But the sex seemed to be mandatory.

I wish I could help you out, but in my case it was just getting older that helped.

All I can say is that I had the same experience and much confusion and distress. I was blessed with a stubbornness that helped me get through all those years.

I have experienced this with men as well and it gave me serious trust issues. As if they don't value me as a "friend" Maybe since making friends is easy for them they don't understand how special it is for us to have a friend.
Someone i knew once told me that after a certain age no one cares about making friends. They are just looking for a life partner.
Maybe because they have already made enough friends in their formative years. This behavior has made me suffer a lot.

AprilR/blazingstar and OP: It will always happen. Your story is very typical and so common that you should already be aware that it never works like that.

So it's much better to seek for like-minded female friends; to spare yourselves from headaches and drama, especially if you are not seeking any relationship with a guy.

LunaticCentruroides is an very open, honest and good hearted individual who voluntarily supported me in another thread when I was getting my backside whipped.

I am sorry to hear about your dilemma.

To put it in the simplest terms, if you are not leaving the door open for a relationship then you might want to avoid friendship with single unattached heterosexual NT males who (as boo eloquently put it) are going to look at you as a potential intimate partner (whether short term or long term). That's literally how we are programmed (yes I'm an NT).

Focus on making female friends. Why do you think its so hard to make friends with other girls? how have you fared making female friends on WP?

This is why I stopped spending free time with boys completely after 14 years of age. I thought they wanted to be my friends because I have many rather boyish interests, however it always turned out they had feelings or sexual desires towards me. Than I always felt guilty because I thought I "seduced" them unintentionally. Unfortunately, I don't know how some socially capable girls manage to have even male best friends without making them believe they want a relationship. Unfortunately, for me it is easier to form "friendships" with men, as I don't feel as well with other women. However, I am lucky to have a female best friend with whom I have much in common and I am genuinely happy with. Maybe this is not a best advice, but you could try to look for a female friend in an aspie community.

Well, here is some aspie honesty:

You are obviously good looking.
The way you describe it, that many men interested in you is not because you are a plane Jane.
A lot of women would envy your position.

Regarding an in-depth relationship:
Everything I have personally seen indicates to me that most significant other relationships are on the rather shallow side, especially in your age group.
Don't most people your age just want to have a good time and experiment before they get serious?
The man/woman paradigm pretty much inherently means sexual intercourse, these days, in western societies.

How often have you explained, up front, you are just interested in a platonic relationship?
And when will you be ready to settle down?
Do you want children?

In the scheme of things, I think you are being a little unrealistic.

That was me: exactly. I have letters (including one that was charred) by my guy friends who inevitably all "loved" me. Most stayed friends for a while, some parted ways immediately, eventually all parted ways. I did find one female BFF during that time period who is now a lifelong friend. It was by accident if you will (we kept being put together), but somehow worked. Now at near 50 I have quite a few women friends. I started to transition in my late 30s --- I had a guy friend and when his wife experienced a medical trauma I reached out to her and now we are friends (her efforts). Just recently (again, near 50) I reconnected with many of my guy friends of old. I do feel such affection for them - they are good people. All except one are married now. I visited one recently and his wife did not like me. But then my BFF's boyfriend does not like me either. Jealousy at the "intimate" (non sexual) connections I make? (For me --- it's an deep connection or it's none at all. There is a theory about ASD - the "intense" world theory - as a play on words: I am definitely intense. It seems folks appreciate it, or really don't.)

Hang in there. I don't regret having those friendships and I know my guy friends don't either, even though it was hard sometimes.

This sounds like how things would be like for me if the male/female dynamics were reversed. Since I'm a guy, I don't have the opposite sex flocking all over me.

I get why guys constantly wanting you can be stressful, but there is a positive: you have a lot of options.

I don't know why I am surprised, but I am that so many other women had this experience when young. I also could not make friends with other women when I was younger. I didn't understand the "rules" and I thought their lives and conversation was shallow.

Now I have some women friends, but have little interest in most men. Now the women seem interesting and the men seem mostly shallow. This would be NT men, not anyone on WP. Also not including in that my husband, who even after some 12 or more years of living together, still surprises me with his insight and ability to have transformational experiences.

The women friends I have: some are work connected and I wouldn't be surprise if they faded away when we are no longer working together, or are Quaker related and Quakers also move on to other locations and so on.

I had a male friend in early 2000, I really liked him as a friend, but he wanted more, he wanted me to have sex with him, I was so hurt, I ended it with him.

In early 2000s, I wanted female friends, but didn’t know how to get them, I talk to some women, but we were not close, I mostly talk to guys. Now I have more women friends

A lot of the behaviour of NT males unfortunately spoil the potential for relationships between Aspie women and men.

But as it's been pointed out that men are capable of transformation (I certainly have changed/matured with age) and are not all shallow.