Meant to Be Alone

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Heh, who ever thought I would be starting a thread in L&D? Not me.

First, let's get this out of the way. Yes, I am biologically female. No, I have not so much as ever been asked on a date. No, the reason I have exactly zero experience romantically is not because I'm picky or turn people down, it's because I honestly, sincerely never even get any romantic interest shown to me in the first place. If you cannot handle the fact that all this can be true of a woman, please just close the thread and don't come back to it - don't try to invalidate or insult me. I wish it wasn't necessary to say this, but experience tells me that it is. Also please do not try to tell me how good I have it because of anything I say, or how much better I have it than you or anyone else. This isn't a contest to me, nor is it a pity party.

Okay, now that we're through with the disclaimers, on to the topic at hand. I feel really weird when I see all these threads and posts about how having a romantic relationship is the most important thing in life and that if you can't have that, you have nothing. I've seen these from both men and women, please let's not make this a gender thing. I feel so weird because this has never been a priority in life. I'm much better off alone, I know and accept that and it doesn't depress me or anything. But I feel downright alien about it, because it's such a huge thing for the vast majority of people. I'm not even sure if I'm actually capable of feeling romantic love. Sure, I can have close friendship (when given the opportunity), but it feels like there's some sort of barrier or something that I just can't get through, preventing me from anything besides platonic love.

Plus, I'm very much designed to be solitary. I do not crave social interaction. When I'm feeling down, I don't long for someone to comfort me (I post about it on here just to get my emotions out - much as I'm doing right now, I suppose), I want to be alone and sort things out myself. I need a huge amount of alone time, and I need a space to be mine and mine alone, where I can retreat to if I really can't be around anybody. I cannot imagine ever being able to be around someone else most of the time, sleeping in the same bed as someone else, being ready for loving touches at any time, having someone depend on me... clearly I'm at least not suited to married life. I think I get uncomfortable thinking about that level of closeness, for me to feel that close to anyone or anyone else to feel so close to me.

Maybe part of my issue is being afraid of disappointing someone with whom I shared such a close bond. I know I'd be afraid that no matter how much they insisted otherwise, there were things they resent about me but just won't tell me, that I'm missing subtle hints that I've upset them or that they don't like something I am or am not doing and one day they're just going to explode at me because of all the cues I missed and that will be it.

Enough rambling for now, I think - I'm distracting myself too much with tangents in my mind. Basically, I've never had a romantic relationship, I've never had much desire for one, and it makes me feel very... other to just be completely out of that scene when it seems to be such a huge part of most people's lives even though I know I'm happiest alone.

Likewise, I'm probably more sociable by some measures but that doesn't stop me feeling that this is the only way to live for me. I would take a lot of convincing to think otherwise.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I totally understand and agree with you. I would have been the same except for the situation I was in.
I actually wrote loads of entries in my notebooks like yours, especially after marriage! LOL .. then it was just in the notes section on my phone as I didn't want my husband to see it by accident. I can still see these entries, as my notes section was connected to my Gmail.

Always in awe of how alike ppl here are.. before, i thought i was the only one (which seemed to confirm the label of "freak")...

Even though I liked making someone else happy, but if life had worked out to my ACTUAL comfort, I'd be on my own entirely except for living with parents and doing whatever for them that they needed.

I think you know who you are and what you are- that is awesome.

Whatever happens after, whatever life path-
will be better if you continue to trust your observations and judgement like this.

If and when you meet the right person, you just know that the sacrifice is worth it. You get a tingle from being around them and feel a sense of well-being that you want all of the time.

Most people admittedly never capture this unicorn. And lesser relationships can certainly bring chaos and even destruction into your life.

Many Aspies crave solitude and the freedom to pursue their interests without interruption. Good for them! They may well be better off alone.

Just don't cheat yourself, is my motto in this. If you have the capacity for a loving relationship you should try to have one before it is too late.

I do think that it’s best to not force yourself to be or feel any certain way that doesn’t come naturally to you. If you find someone that’s great, if you never want to find someone that’s great too. You may be different from most people but not wrong or broken or anything, just you are you - and that’s the best when you can find happiness in and hopefully love yourself.

I was a little disappointed that you deleted your post on another thread because I thought it was a valuable contribution. But I see that you basically moved your post to a new thread to elaborate