This just hit me!

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I was recently at a strip club and I was looking to get a private dance. I took my time watching all the girls so I could find the hottest one to buy a dance from. And having an attractive 18-year-old get naked for me in a private room was fun in the moment, but it was just a empty attempt to plug some hole inside me that was ultimately futile.

But then it hit me: all the times I've been out desperately 'looking' for a girlfriend, whether through websites and dating apps or just by going out and joining social groups, it was still that same desperate attempt to plug up that emptiness inside me with something shallow and superficial. Every time I go swiping or keeping my eye open for all the women at a local hangout, it is the same process I was going through at that strip club: Looking through all the single women, immediately weeding out the unattractive ones, and trying to decide who out of what's left do I want to have sex with the most; who has the prettiest face, the largest breasts, the nicest butt?

It always starts when I meet a lady I find truly special. Someone I feel a strong connection with, not because she has the curviest body; but because she's the most interesting person I've met along time. Someone that I enjoy the company of, who makes me feel understood and accepted, who just makes me feel a way nobody else can. It is a rare and special feeling that I only experience once every several years. But, as things always end up for me, the woman I like friendzones me every single time. Every time that happens I feel an emptiness I'm desperate to plug. And that is when I hit the bars or the dating sites, desperately looking for someone that can make me feel the same way. But none of the women I encounter ever do. And eventually I forget what I'm actually looking for and I just go chasing after the superficial: the prettiest eyes, the most beautiful smile, the biggest boobs, the shapeliest butt. And no matter how beautiful the women I see are, there is still this vague sense in the back of my head that none of them are what I'm really looking for, but I can't figure out exactly why.

Because most women who work in strip clubs or patronize dating sites probably aren't your "intellectual" type. Though, sometimes, you can find a really intelligent woman who works in these sorts of places.

The last time I went to a strip club was when I was 21. I didn't stay long. The place just stank.

Its not so simple. I've met many women who were my "intellectual type" that I still didn't feel drawn to. There is more to than that.

And it appears you missed the whole point of my post. I'm saying that whenever I'm looking, whether online or irl, I find myself chasing after the same superficial things I look for at a strip club. There have only been certain women over the years that have truly connected with in a meaningful way.

I know what you are saying. It is rare to find such an individual. It is twice as rare to find that the other person feels the same way about you.

That emptiness that very few women could fill is hard to find so one looks for others in the hope that they might be able to fill that gap...
It is like trying to find that last jigsaw piece...

Last edited by Mountain Goat on 25 Oct 2021, 8:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You made this choice; only you can change it.

Chasing after busty blonde bimbos never worked for me, either.  They all knew what made men chase them, and to them I was just another horny twenty-something with a week's pay in his pocket.  Once the money ran out, so did they.  Then I grew up and let a truly loving woman enter my life.  We have been married for more than a quarter-century.

I get that. The whole point is that I'm trying to avoid this whole situation. The problem is that I never found that kind of truly loving woman. Every time I do they friend zone me and are only interested in being truly loving to someone other than me. I just find myself back at chasing after superficial attraction desperately trying to find someone that makes me feel like the woman that rejected me did.

It's just hard to fine your "ideal" woman.

I found mine----but she turned out to be into druggie guys. Just my luck!

One of the interesting traits is you might subconsciously be looking for somebody who reminds you of your mother who you will instinctually be drawn towards as you perceive they will love and nurture you like your mother.

Freud called this the Oedipus complex, while it seems incestuous and creepy, it actually makes sense. If you are looking for somebody to spend the rest of your life with, then your mind is conditioned to use your mother as a reference point for love and nurturing. Men instinctually want a mate who gives off these traits and naturally it's these women who we fall in love with.

I despise my mother.

In that case a projection of a "mother figure"

I think you're on to something Dorkseid.

I can kind of see what's going on with you but as yet I'm not able to explain it.

I actually think your are on the right path to finding someone who you will ultimately and mutually connect with.

How so? Every time I've met someone I felt a genuine connection with she rejected me. Why should I expect a pattern that has remained %100 consistent my entire life to just magically change now?

Well if you expect the pattern not to change then it won't.

Well written post. I understand what you're saying. I think the female equivalent is getting hurt and then going to watch a shallow rom-com movie with a hot guy in it. It makes you feel good for 90minutes, but then you go back to your empty heart afterwards. I don't even watch movies like that anymore. They feel so hollow.

The very nature of dating apps turns humans into a commodity. You use it like any other shopping app.

But then how do you meet people in this post covid world,... I don't have the answer.

I wish I could say something helpful, but I must say, you've reached a level of self awareness that not a lot of people have, so that's a good thing. Onwards and upwards.

I can remember thinking to myself (long ago) that I should look in the complete opposite direction to what I had been looking in before (relationship wise). It meant that I realised that the things I had looked for before were not what I actually needed. If this meant that I would have to spend time alone as a single person then so be it.

From everything I have read about you it just sounds like you are getting these rejections because you are following a pattern that has clearly not worked for you in the past therefore it might be an idea to change the pattern. Look elsewhere. Do something else for a while. Maybe go somewhere different and see different people. You can do this.

Your problem seems to be that you are trying to find love, without first cultivating yourself as a loveable person -- do that, and love will find you.