Being free of problems before dating?

Post Reply New Topic

Something my mom lobbed at me just now. I started looking for a partner right after I bought my house. She's like, "well you thought that everything will be fine once you live on your own".

...I think she forgot that they threw me out just as I was let go from my last job, that I had to live in a rented apartment while I was running out of money, and at one point had nothing to eat.

In order to date, should a person be 100% free from any problems or troubles? Must I be perfect in every way?

No but getting rid of any baggage always helps. You just bought your own house and your mother still moans about you not being ready to date?

Did she buy her own house by herself out of interest? If not then she's hardly in a position to complain.

Yes you should go into dating with a clean slate and start over!

Everybody has some problems, whether they're single or in a relationship.

Are these problems that need to be solved before dating? It depends. There's no one-size-fits-all solution. Attraction is neither rational nor predictable. Sometimes romance happens when you're not looking for it. Maybe engaging with said romance gives you the strength and energy you need to better address these problems. Maybe engaging with said romance makes your problems much worse, and causes issues for the other person.

These things aren't predictable. Romance isn't an investment with a guaranteed return (neither is friendship). The fact that so many people think it should be one is kind of a problem, IMO.

It’s impossible to be “free of problems.”

As long as you don’t take them out on your partner, you’re okay.

It’s irritating, say, when someone snaps at me merely because they’re “having a bad day.”

It’s also not good to let the baggage from previous relationships adversely affect new relationships.

You've got a house and a job, what else could you possibly need?

Function better? Be more athletic? More social? More organized? More positive?

I dunno.

^I bet you’re pretty good already……probably better than me.

I’m not lamenting my existence……despite my faults.

Well you could be problem free, enter into a relationship, then encounter a problem. Do you then end your relationship? Like you could have a great job and be in perfect health, get married, then get laid off and be diagnosed with cancer. Do you then separate from your spouse?

If you have a problem that somehow makes you a bad partner in general, like alcoholism (and not being in recovery) then maybe. Being on the autism spectrum is a big problem for some people that affects relationships and that isn't going away.

I'm not sure whether you can be more organised (and stay that way indefinitely), or if you can become more social, but certainly you can become more athletic. Sounds like a good idea to me.

Not sure if this is an example of resolving a problem, but in my experience, for a man, getting into better physical shape by working out definitely helps. The last person I dated before meeting my wife might not have been attracted to me were I not in such good shape at the time she met me, and I can recall that women in general started looking at and reacting to me differently once I had been working out for a while.

Oh. Yeah that stuff probably would help actually. For me it was more about getting a good income. Somehow that increased my confidence.

Well dating is an extra problem.

Its not a math problem, but it requires some work.

I dont date as I find interacting with people often feels like a chore and I have no clue what to talk with females about, let alone on a date.

The fact is if people used their brains before dating there would be no humans, as procreation and dating is pretty much a primal process.

If your mother was sane person she would know that with that attitude no one would have a chance in dating or procreation and humanity would go extinct.

I think your mother has a bigger problem than you. I mean what she is saying is only meaningful if you actually plan to hop on first female and go into marriage and have kids instantly.

Otherwise its the type of advice crazy people give.

When people say to be free of problems, I don't think it means we have to own houses or be athletic.

In my opinion that sentiment means we should be rid of relationship baggage from other people, and get a handle on any depression, anxiety, etc., so we are as stable as possible and our partner isn't drawn into the fray.

In my experience when I wasn't ready for relationships it's because I was looking for white knights or someone to comfort me from the previous person. Later on I had trauma so badly it wouldn't have been fair for me to commit to anyone, because all of my emotional resources needed to go toward my own recovery. No one wants a needy partner or a partner who can't be self-sufficient in their own psychology. Sure, it's good to share and help each other but ultimately, we're all individuals and we have to care for ourselves before we can love anyone else in a safe or healthy way.

I was traumatized. Yeah, I have trouble picturing myself with some (beautiful) stranger, finding things to say and do. It's very difficult to make me have interest in a person in general.

Indeed I'm in no shape right now, but at the same time I'm really running out of time in terms of age. I don't have a year to wait and see.

I understand your concern but I don't think age is that much of an issue.
I didn't date from age 34 until I was 51.
There was just no way.
I found a keeper who was 58 at the time.