To Date or not to Date...........

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So.... some people know my sticky perdicament in regards to me and my love situation...

I've been after one person for ~1.35 yrs now.... unsuccessfully.

And I have a date (with someone else) tonight....

and I don't know how to feel....... i wanna keep it secret from the object of my obsession (who practically lives next door to me, btw, ANOTHER down side)... cause i wanna keep up appearances? i dunno...........

he's made it clear (all along, we havent done anything) that we are just friends... it's a work ethics thing, at least superficially... maybe not, i dunno what he really thinks of me...


but i just can't keep crying on a daily basis and stressing and living with depression... damned human condition to need love.... most days i'd rather just play wow.

i feel almost reticent to even bother with this date... yet part of me needs it, i know.


not sure where any of this is going... my stomach is sick over it... for too many reasons to dissect.

Why would you want to hide it from him? Everyone knows that when someone is "taken" they instantly become more desirable. Not to say that you should use this other person like a pawn, but I think it would only help the situation in many ways. Saving yourself for someone who has made it clear they want to be only friends will only deter them even more.

Don't sacrifice the chance of meeting / getting to know / spending time with someone for the sake of staying "available" for someone else, in case they some day change their mind.

Will the person you are obsessing over find out? Maybe. Who cares. He said you were friends. It wouldn't be wrong for you to behave like that's all you are.

After one person for 1.35 years. That's 1.35 years that you've probably missed out on any other opportunities involving other people. Just don't let it become 2.7 years.

edit: I guess it is only fair to admit that this is easier said than done. I sure failed miserably at it, until it blew up in my face in June. That cleared my head, but I can't say I was happy about it at the time.

Last edited by shadexiii on 21 Sep 2007, 1:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i hear you loud and clear. except that i dont have dates.
but i know what it feels like - being trapped between the need for and dream of love, and what reality looks like. yet, im too proud to throw my dreams over board because everyone else is s**t. somehow, its like being trapped between heart and brain, isnt it?

You simply don't know what you want.

it's not that clear...

i dunno whether im being tested or what... it's not that he's not interested... just not taking bait for some reason

i just dont have any sort of physical feeling that indicates i want to date (anyone else, i should say)

i almost feel like it's unfair to the other person as well... well, maybe it just makes me uncomfortable. i dunno. im going to go though.

if only it were one or the other

does that mean? i know exactly what i want... and im not getting it... is the issue.

Just give it a shot. You might change your mind once you've been there for a while.

If it is the first time you would be going on a date with the other person, sure it is fair. It is just a date. Not a long-term commitment.
(For some here, myself included right now, it would be "A DATE! FINALLY! ABOUT DAMN TIME!" but your situation is different from that. Don't mind me, just a bit irritable on that subject since it has been a few...months. Closer to more than a year I guess. )
If it goes well, go on another. If it doesn't, well, the date served its purpose even then, you'd find out you didn't want to go on another.

im pretty hard up.... so to speak. it's been well over 1.5 yrs since i've had my last relationship (and all that kind of stuff)

Then you have nothing to lose, and plenty to gain.

guess i wanna have some sort of planned speech to say to my "obsession" for when he finds out about my date or dates, should i continue....


it's so weird.... cause we (me and obsession) have these awkward "hot" moments. i just dont know how to interpret

i just feel so small.... encapsulated and rejected...

What's there to explain? He wouldn't ask you out on a date. Somebody else did. So you went out on a date. If it were to go well, and you were to go on another...well...that's why you went on another. You had a good time. If anything, it might make him realize that he needs to actually do something if he's interested in you. (Yay, I get to be a hypocrite. Quite rare that I actually express my interest in people. )

Don't bother interpreting it then.
If he (your obsession) were to go to you and say "After ______, I thought you knew how I felt about you!" all you have to respond with is "No. I didn't. I waited around for you to show me how you felt. You didn't." Well, at least if he acts like you are in the wrong, which you wouldn't be. If he acts sad about it, eh, like I said, a single date isn't a long-term commitment to anything. This date may be enough to shake your obsession up so that he actually does something about it.

All the more reason to go on this date. This other guy is apparently interested in you. I'm not trying to imply that you should be using him, and I don't think one date could be considered that, but there's no harm in feeling good about yourself because of how he might treat you on your date. You don't have to feel indifferent, let alone bad, while you are out with him.

shadexii is giving good advice
here. You've been chasing this
guy, and he KNOWS that you're
interested. What are you going to
do? Wait until he finds someone?
Or will you keep trying to convince
yourself, even then, that he's going
to come around to you?

If you're me, I think I know the answer,
but don't be me.

This advice sounds great here in writing, but in practice it isn't so simple. In Sedaka's shoes I'd feel responsible (and therefore awful) if dateboy formed a strong attachment to me if I wasn't ready to reciprocate. Even being completely straightforward about one's heart and one's intentions doesn't tend to prevent that from happening.