Free ebook on dating for Aspie men

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Hi all,
About seven years ago, I wrote a small (87 pages) book on dating. The book was inspired by an indie band called The Timelords (aka The KLF) who achieved a surprise number 1 UK hit with their track "Doctorin' the Tardis. They subsequently wrote a book for the musical layman about how anybody could manipulate the UK music industry and produce a number 1 hit called "The Manual: How to Have a Number One the Easy Way." My book started out as a laugh, but soon turned serious. As I began to write it, I realized that I had undergone a serious journey from somebody who truly didn't understand dating to someone who was competent at it through years of trial and error. After I finished most of the book, I was diagnosed with AS, which cast not only the book, but my whole life in a new light.
I offer this book to anyone who wants it as a free PDF download. Please feel free to share and redistribute it as you wish (you may even repost it on other sites if you like). If you find it useful, please tell others about it. If you find fault with it, please share that information with others as well. This version is abridged. If it proves popular, I may post the unabridged version. I may also from time to time post revised versions if mistakes in the text are found. You may download the book here free of charge:
http://www.hotlinkfiles.com/files/10669 ... hGirls.pdf


By the way: Girls are welcome to read it too!

Thanks for posting, I have saved it onto my computer.

The artical is very good. I don't see anyone having an issue with this artical. Idealy it would be a tad more practical by including more flirting skills

An excellent suggestion Chav! I'll consider including your suggestion in a possible future addition.

I'm fairly close to being Phil, I have a dead end job that's a lot better than working at a fast food place but still on the poverty line. I'm about a stone overweight that I can't seem to shake off, no real social network and I spend most of my time playing games and watching films. Where I differ is that I don't have that hope, I know full well things aren't going to get any better. My ego isn't fragile since it actually shattered a long time ago. But I'm reasonably content, I have a lot of freedom, no stress and I'm never bored.

If I spend the rest of my life grooming, working out, developing false interests and working overtime to try and progress my career just so I can spend time with a woman then I'd just rather not. When you take into account the actual likelihood of ending up in a satisfying relationship now I'm getting older the reward/cost ratio there seems to be worse than killing myself with drugs.

I'm not trying to knock you, I can respect the work you've put into this, I respect your candour and honesty. It would be easier to sell a load of books by telling people only what they want to hear. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, I'm sure this is something that a lot of people could benefit from. But for me the only benefit is a clarification of just how far I'd have to go.

Do you have it in any other formats b/c my internet connection is crazy slow and it always says that the file breaks and I can't download it......

Rack,
I've thought long and hard about your post.
The million dollar question is "are you happy?"
If the answer is "yes" then great, don't change a thing.
However, I suspect that you're not happy and I'll tell you why. You downloaded and took the time to read an ebook called "How to be good with girls the easy way."
I've only been on this site for a week, but so far I've found that everyone on this site has two things in common:
1. They're trying to make a connection with other people and
2. They're struggling with something, either living in the NT world, trying to meet people, dating, or Asperger's itself
In short, people are here because they're looking for hope; and there is hope...for all of us.
You don't have to go on a crash course to change your life like I did. Still there are things you can do to move toward a better life.
Many people like us tend to get wrapped-up in their own interests to the exclusion of all else. We like to live in our own heads. You don't have to develop false interests, but you can give other interests a chance. You don't have to kill yourself working out, but you can do a bit of research on healthy weight loss and get outside some more. The world and the rules that govern it are not going to change, but we can change. Change, however requires desire and effort. One of the advantages that Aspies have over NTs is our ability to focus in on a problem or thing to the exclusion of all else. What if you turned that "Aspie power" for just an hour a day to either taking a walk outside, learning about something new, dressing better, or trying to understand the way the NT world operates, would that be a wasted hour? Would you be worse-off for the experience? Would you miss that hour away from your films or games?

In terms of having a meaningful relationship with a woman, I can promise that it will never happen if you never try. Again, that's not something important to everybody, nor should it be; but I suspect it might still be important to you somewhere deep down. If you've never been in a relationship, I can't explain it. But I can say that it is like everything else in life worth having: something you have to work for but the journey is an end unto itself. Much like any type of game, the point is not to win, but to play.

I appreciate your kind words for my book. I did not write it to boast or put anybody down. I wrote it to provide information for people like me, people who have difficulty understanding how the world works. The "Phil" example I use in the book is an example of a guy who is not a bad guy, but a guy who would not take advice or put forth any serious effort to attain his goals. For much of my life I simply would not listen to what people were telling me because, well, it didn't make any sense to me. Their advice did not conform to my world view. Neither did I put forth any serious effort because I did not see the point. The point is this, people who have desirable things of value are people who learn the rules, whether they make sense or not, and apply themselves toward those goals. It's much more difficult for us Aspies, but not impossible and not as unpleasant as you imagine. There is great value to things that are outside of our experience and our comfort zone, but it is up to us to give those things a chance.

The only thing I'm trying to sell you on is yourself. You deserve a rich, rewarding life. True, it's more difficult for people like us, but that doesn't mean we should give up on ourselves.

I identify with this. I have a couple of friends and a few acquaintances I get along with OK, but no gf. It's been literally years since I met a girl that I both wanted to date and wasn't taken for the long haul, so I don't see myself in a relationship any time soon, and probably never. I still think this is better than a bad relationship, hence unless I meet a girl that I both have a chance with and that I want to date I will remain single for the rest of my life.
It doesn't help that I have firmly decided to leave this country as soon as I finish my studies - hence I couldn't even take seriously any relationship that I got into (what are the chances an English girl would follow me to the Third World?). No offence meant, but I don't understand English girls anyway.

The million dollar answer is "sometimes". Since I'm so focussed when I get into a rhythm, when I can distract myself I am happy. But that's not all the time, you're absolutely right that deep down it is important to me to be in a relationship, and while it's something I can quell I'd still like a solution when it comes down to it. I also have an ambivalent attitude to hope, I'm happier now it's gone, but I still miss it. So there are some lengths I'll go to.

Up until recently and for about 3 years I'd go on two 45 minute walks 5 days a week. For about 6 months I also did an additional 45 minute workout at the gym. Ultimately though my focus was on results and after not really seeing anything after 6 months I just gave in and when the gym failed the walking just kind of followed.

Since then I've acquired an hour gap and I've tried to devote it to other things, the last one was a kind of one off experience singing on stage. Ultimately that was by far the best thing I've ever done, so I'm quite eager to find something similar. For my next project I might try and get involved in a community theatre project.

But to tie everything together, I'll need to restart my fitness kick and knock it up a notch so that hour is going to have to go as a minimum. To get a 'respectable' job my working day is going to expand by about 2 hours. Then I guess I'll need another 45 minutes grooming every day. My four free hours a day has suddenly turned into 15 minutes. And I still don't have a clue how to decode NT behaviour.

Somewhere or another I'm just going to have to cut corners, but I'm not optimistic about the outcome. From the few short relationships I've had I found the dating game painful and humiliating. I can't live for that. Perhaps the biggest barrier is that I'm at my strongest when I'm content, I only really want to take action when I'm depressed, and then I kind of drown in the negativity. Maybe I just need a different route. If I can get a well paid job doing something health oriented that makes for interesting conversation I'll be set. Maybe a firefighter. (not quite serious but there may be some crossovers I can make, or just increase my free time generally)

I scanned through the first half or two-thirds of the book pretty quickly. I liked it, pretty good book imo. You started out with the survive and replicate and moved on to some evolutionary psychology, and hit ton of points that I agree with and are very useful. The gorilla story really had me laughing

On the nice guy thing, I generally agree what you are saying except I don't think you really pointed out that being a nice guy isn't a deficiency. In my experience, guys who whine about how nice guys get no women.. their problem isn't that they're too nice, their problem is that they are chronic whiners with no-backbone that don't let their desires or intentions known - a lot like some of the examples you described. These qualities get unfairly lumped in with "nice" - but being "nice" isn't the problem.

Another thing that I kind of disagree with is the advice regarding meeting new people: Move your eyebrows in a flirtatious way, sit back, and see what happens. I would much rather prefer walking over and starting a conversation, even if it's just a question. Maybe you covered a more direct approach later, sorry but I am a bit short on time right now so I couldn't give it a full reading.

Anyway, cheers, it's awesome that you wrote this book.

For what it's worth Rack, you sound like you actually have a lot of interests that other people can relate to. If it makes you feel any better, I've had many, many humiliating date experiences. I was also (falsely) once accused of sexual harassment at work. I didn't give up though. After A LOT of bad experiences with women, I finally cracked the code and I started to do as well as other NT guys, if not better, but I met my wife rather quickly at that point. Of course after I got married, like a lot of guys I packed-on the pounds. Two years ago, I decided to lose the weight. I lost 50 pounds (but 10 came back). Still, I'm in the best shape of my life. If you want to know how to lose the weight quickly, and in a healthy way, in a nut shell:

It's all about calories in and calories out. First of all, read the nutrition labels on what you eat and determine how many calories you're consuming. I lost my weight consuming about 1600 calories a day. You'll be somewhat hungry, but you won't starve yourself. Second, you have to spread those calories out during the day and eat breakfast to get your metabolism going during the day. Sunday through Thursday I would eat:
Breakfast
Packet of brown sugar oatmeal and a glass of skim milk
Lunch
Wendy's Hamburger (no fries and no cola)
After work
400 calories of something (but no simple carbs)
Evening snack
300 calories of something (no simple carbs)
You can eat carbs on your diet, but only complex carbs (such as oatmeal, brown rice). Simple carbs like pizza, fries, potato products cause your body to store fat. Try to eat mostly protein, fruits, vegtables, and complex carbs. Friday and Saturday I would mostly have the same diet during the day but allow myself a generous dinner both evenings. I avoided breads during these meals, but allowed myself french fries.

The workout:
The work out was sort of a good news bad news situation.
The bad news is that you have to lift weights or something similar (like a bowflex). I would lift weights for about 20-25 minutes. Lifting weights is important because when you do cardio immediately afterwards, it forces your body to burn mostly fat and not the good, lean tissue (like muscle) which helps you to naturally burn calories. Immediately after the weights, I would walk on a treadmill for 45 minutes at about 4 miles an hour, which is the good news. You don't have to kill yourself running to lose weight! If you do the weights first, your body uses stored sugars (glycogen) to fuel the weight lifting. When you switch to cardio, your body is out of stored sugars, so it switches to burning fat for energy. The first 30-35 pounds came off very easily in about 16 weeks. I struggled with the last 15 pounds, but by that time I had discovered that working-out relaxed me and caused other positive benefits in my life--I actually learned to enjoy it! I never realized how important physical activity was to mental health before. It really gets you out of your head, where most of us Aspies tend to live.

Viska, thanks for taking the time to comment!

I agree with you here. You make the point better and more precisely than I did.



I sort of agree with you here, but I probably failed to make the larger point. My point was (and at the time I didn't know I was an Aspie) that much of human communication is non-verbal and it's important to appear open and welcoming. Having an open face (raised eyebrows) achieves this. Of course you should make conversation. NTs tend to make the correct facial expressions unconsciously. Aspies don't. When you're interacting verbally or otherwise, having a welcoming face is important.



Thank you! I kinda thought that I was finished, but you've made me realize there may be a need for a revised and corrected addition.

I don't know about Rack, but in my case I'm just not going to hit on random girls I'm not interested in or that I know are taken for the long haul (so I haven't hit on anyone for years). I know that's how people date, but 'to thine own self be true.' I'm just not interested in having a girlfriend just for the sake of having one, and sex isn't worth the inevitable drama and effort in otherwise pointless relationships. Being single is the lesser evil to bad relationships in my view, I've seen enough bad ones.
The last crush I had, she's taken for the long haul (and we'd be incompatible anyway), upon learning this (as I could feel myself starting to fall in love, and that's not good if you have absolutely no chance) I avoided all contact with her. Of course it was interpreted as me thinking 'If I'm not going to have sex with you, I won't even bother talking to you'

A good add on for an aspie like myself would be ways to get guy friends although that isn't the main goal it helps I just met one guy and the first thing he did was offer a girl my way as soon as women came up in our conversations. Also I would like to run around my school but am to nervous and have no one to ask and I can't go to the gym b/c I clam up it's what I do when I'm alone and defenseless basically if I had even ONE friend male/female whatever it would actually allow me to go there and be comfortable but I don't so I can't anyway just thought that might help. Oh and I don't have any money almost ever and maybe a little job getting advice like for me I need to actually go to the places and ask for the app's. Basically we all have weaknesses mine are the first moves after that I do really well and am calm but I dunno hope some of this made sense and might be useful should you want to update one day. Oh one last thing for those that don't care about being clean I used to be like that for a long time a trick that you could add is just let them know that being clean feels sooo much better than being dirty ever does and no one including the smelly person likes smelly people.

222 Downloads over 5 and a half days. Not bad.

Good. I'm glad that people are reading it. I think you offer a great deal of good advice. This was also probably the most respectful treatment of women I've ever seen in this sort of material. Hats off to you!

The only criticism I'd make is that I think it's unnecessary to recommend that guys get rid of their hobby and special interest materials. Granted, I am strange, but here's my take:

I love walking into a guy's home and seeing that he has nerdy stuff all over the place. Even if his particular interests aren't ones I share, I still like seeing that he is excited and knowledgeable about subjects that are important to him. I think it's sweet and attractive. If a guy is too polished and "grown up", there are two possibilities in my mind: either he is deep down a boring person, or else he is so concerned with guarding his successful "I've got everything under control" image, it will be impossible to bond with him.

An exception to this (and a situation in which I'd agree with your recommendation) is if I'm aware he is spending an irresponsible/extravagant amount of money on his hobbies. When I see a situation like that, I inwardly question the man's compassion for those less fortunate, as well as his level of self-control and wisdom. Like most women, I'd prefer to see responsibility and restraint over a show of spending power.